Topic : Toxic Family Relationships
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August 24, 2008, 7:30 pm PDT
 Quote From: nrotfps My Father is a controlling manipulative self centered jerk. My sister married someone she didn't love at the age of 18 just so she could get out of the house and then my parents forced her to divorce him within three years ultimately driving her to drug and alcohol abuse... My Dad has a nasty streak in him not nasty in the sense of abusing us it was a nasty/mean sense of humor purposely doing things just for the sheer pleasure of humiliating us in front of our friends and relatives . He takes pleasure in ruining special occasions like weddings birthdays Christmas. Nothing is special or sacred to him. Things weren't bad 100% of the time with Dad at times he was a lot of fun but he could also be a huge ass when he wanted to be. My Mother became ill with cancer and he mellowed somewhat but when she went into remission he went back to being a selfish and self centered jerk. Mom died six years ago Dad changed completely he became much more reserved,loving and caring,it didn't last long.. He dated a few women nothing serious until three years ago he began dating his current lady friend (a woman my Mother hated with a passion BTW) and now everything is all about her, and she's an even bigger self centered jerk than he is! Since he began dating her I've seen him four times in three years and he hasn't visited me in two years. However they visit her children almost every week and have flewn to California several times to visit her son. My sister and I are only allowed to visit them when it's convenient for his " lady friend",my husband and I have to stay in a hotel or bring our camper and stay in a campground when we visit and we spend a few hours with them at dinner Friday or Saurday out of a three day weekend. Her kids can visit whenever they want and don't need permission. I'm glad he has found someone who makes him happy but I don't like being treated like a second class citizen so I had it out with my Dad. He wouldn't talk to me in person so we argued over the phone.. instead of saying he was sorry, he hung up on me and didn't speak to me for months. Last year on Father's day weekend we went to visit (with permission first) we rented a vacation home,Dad and his lady friend came over for a few hours on Father's day I made him a special dinner it was a disaster Dad ruined it like usual he acted like a jerk,I haven't been home since then. My sister is clean and sober now she's found a wonderful Man and they are getting married soon. My Dad announced yesterday he and his "friend" will not be attending her wedding his " lady friends" son is flying in from California to visit that weekend and they would rather be with him. My sister is hurt and I'm furious I'm at my wits end with him I just don't know what to do anymore. I never thought I'd ever say this but Dad has driven me to the point of despising him. I have decided that for now if Dad can not attend my sisters wedding and can not be bothered with us I can not be bothered with him My husband and I had plans to pay a surprise visit to him labor day weekend. I cancelled our hotel reservations and we are going elsewhere we will not be visiting Dad and his friend. Maybe my sister can be treated like crap and still welcome him with open arms but I can't. I'm in my early 40's I'm not that 16 year old girl that has to do what Mom and Dad tell her.. Since Mom died I have felt alone but never as alone as I feel now thanks to Dad. I know the Bible says honor your Mother and Father but what if your father is like mine? It sounds to me like your father just mimics what he has heard from his lady friend. I think it is an insecurity thing but I don't know what makes these men tick. They have NO mind of their own. I hope Dr. Phil does a show on this subject. Stupid or ill ? Which is it ? It is not normal behavior. I find my husband does this too. I didn't notice this about my own husband until we were married for more than 20 years. Now, when he repeats me or agrees with me on everything I say...I get angry. I feel like I am living with myself. One of my sons is like this too. He repeats everything his wife says. If she says the sky is red, then it must be. My other sons don't have this problem, so it can't be ALL men. My brother is also like this with his wife. Now that I am older my antenna's are up.
I am so sorry for your situation. You already lost a mom and your dad is preoccupied in his own mind?
Ask Dr. Phil if he could help you. |
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August 24, 2008, 7:36 pm PDT
Quote From: cass53 My first son was married 2 years ago & had his first son 5 months ago. I was ecstatic to be a first-time grandma. The problem is we are SMOKERS. I know how non-smokers feel about smokers & have tried many times to quit & eventually start again. Since we became grandparents, we were told they will not bring my grandson to my home. We told them we will go outside & not smoke in the house if they come over, no good. We were told we have toxins in the house & that we could go to their house anytime & smoke outside. The problem is everytime I call to go over on the weekends, it has to be late, when the baby is too tired or early in the morning, They go to her mothers every Sunday & some weekdays & we live in the same town. Just to see the baby, I have gone 1-2 hours before work & they live 40 min. away. I work full time nights & some days its hard to run around like that. Holidays & birthdays are no more at my house. They just had his christening in her mothers backyard. My husband just went to the church. It is killing me coming from a close Italian family & needless to say has caused so much arguing & stress because my husband sees me crying all the time. My son says he is caught in the middle & has to side with his wife because it has caused them many arguments. IS THIS NORMAL, Everyone tells me because I dont have a daughter, they are closer to their family. My husband didnt do this to his family. ANY HELP OUT THERE????? Don't react. Just keep doing what you are doing. It may take a very long time but if you react your reaction will be held against you. Your son will tell his wife everything yo say, so be careful. I would love to talk to you about this but am hesitant to give out my email address. I have been there. |
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August 24, 2008, 7:39 pm PDT
Quote From: pinalou Don't react. Just keep doing what you are doing. It may take a very long time but if you react your reaction will be held against you. Your son will tell his wife everything yo say, so be careful. I would love to talk to you about this but am hesitant to give out my email address. I have been there. Another thing you can do..is hire professionals to wash all the walls and furniture and stop smoking in your own house. Ask your DIL if hat would be acceptable to her. Talk to her, not your son. She is calling the shots. |
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August 25, 2008, 9:22 am PDT
Quote From: pinalou Another thing you can do..is hire professionals to wash all the walls and furniture and stop smoking in your own house. Ask your DIL if hat would be acceptable to her. Talk to her, not your son. She is calling the shots. Thank you so much for your response. I could use all the help I can get because I dont know what else to do. I have told my dil I would sanitize my home, the problem is Im still trying to quit smoking. Thanks again, Diane |
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August 26, 2008, 5:12 pm PDT
Good Evening Folks, Before I begin with my question(s), I would like to give a little family background. My parents divorced when I was very young. My sister went to live with my mother in Chicago, while I stayed behind with my father in the Southern region of Illinois. My mother married this guy before she left here and they moved up north. Whenever I would visit in the summers growing up, stepdad always seemed like a nice guy but something seemed kinda off about him. Especially the relationship him and my sister shared. Although I am pretty sure he never "touched" her, some things seemed kinda weird about him. For example some of the clothes he would purchase and encourage my sister to wear. Not anything the average teenager wouldn't wear, but definitely stuff that most parents would have frowned upon. Something has really been bothering me as of late. My sister graduated high school this past summer and turned 18 a couple of weeks later. As a graduation/birthday gift, they all went to California for about three weeks in July. A few things smelled kinda funny about the whole trip thing. First of all, all I got from them for graduation was a $50 dollar Wal-Mart gift car. Second, whenever they would go on vacations in the past, I was always invited. I didn't hear about this trip until after it happened. When I asked about what they did during the trip they told me a few things. Took in a Lakers game, visited the Hollywood Walk-of-Fame, Disneyland, a few other things. The problem is, all the things they said they did, would not have warranted a three week stay. It could have all been done in one week. What were they doing with the other two weeks? A few nights ago I found out the answer. I was feeling bored and lonely. I went to the video store(you know the kind) to solve my problems temporarily. I took home a video which depicted mothers teaching their daughters how to... I don't know how to put this really. It was a pornographic video, okay, we all know what goes on in them. My sister and mother were in that movie(and through internet search, I found out they were in even more). In the same room, with the same guy. What should I do? I have the feeling my sister may have been coaxed into this by my stepdad, but not entirely sure on that one. My buddies all say not to worry about it. My sister is an adult(as is my mom) and free to make her own choices. Some of them even made crude jokes, and took offense when I socked on of them in the eye for one of their jabs. A female friend of mine says all the women who do porn are raped, and usually pimped off to the producers by somebody close to them(fathers, uncles, boyfriends/husbands, and sometimes even mothers). She even said I should do something to have my stepdad and mom jailed for this, even if I have to lie about somethings. What should I do? Should I confront my family about this and let my feeling be know about what I think of the situation(I hate it, and don't want them to do anything like it ever again)? Should I just break off all communication with them without reason(because I know if I talk to them, eventually I will it up)? What should I tell my dad? Should I keep it a secret from him? I think it's driving me slowly insane. I walk down the street, and think people are looking at me funny. I see people talk quietly to each other when I go grocery shopping, and think they are talking about my screwed up family. Another thing that worries me about the whole thing is, before I realized who she was in the movie, I found my mother to be quite attractive. I was aroused by her before I realized it was my mother in the flick. I have trouble even looking at an attractive girl anymore without wanting to compare her to my mom. help me |
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August 27, 2008, 6:31 am PDT
Hello, I find myself in the middle of an issue that is extremely toxic and feel lost in how to deal with the situation. I am a 28 year old male, that is academically successful and finishing my third degree, in education. My girlfriend of almost three years is completing a psychology undergrad. We both come from Christian backgrounds, but mine would be considered liberal and hers would be under the stereotyped banner of Fundamental. We both live at our respective parents homes as we are financially strapped and trying to finish our education. (Yes, I realize this is a problem, but not the one at hand for me!!!) My girlfriend and I are very loving of each other and fully intend on getting married. We try to work as a team and allow each other to have voice. This is difficult as my girlfriend was taught through her parents actions that she is not to have voice and must submit to what ever her father tells her to do, such as making him coffee while he was watching television even though she is studying for an exam that day (only one example out of MANY). Four months ago we found out that we have been blessed with an expectant child. This has brought immense joy to us. The timing is not perfect, but we are scintillated none the less. Having this child has become the catalyst to bring out many skeletons in a some closets. This is causing lots of stress, it is harming us emotionally, and fears that the stress of my girlfriend is going to harm the baby. My family, has reacted with love. Coming from a deeply religious family, my family has seen this issue as a gift from God. My girlfriends family has made this situation out to be on par with a funeral. They fit the cookie cutter of Fundamental Christianity perfectly. Their religion is oppressive and feels abusive. I have had many concerns for her family, but this has brought them out into the open. Her mother has reacted the worst. She told us she is going to take care of the baby as we will be terrible parents. She forgets that I have worked as a social service worker for five years, and am highly recommended by behavioral therapists. All the parents I work with tell me how wonderful a father I will be as they see the work I do with their special needs children. In my education program I also get the same feedback. Heck, as a primary junior school teacher I'd like to think I know something about parenting in order to get into the highly competitive program. Her mother dropped this argument after some resistance. I have lots of family in Northern Canada that are Aboriginal (I am not... by grandfather has had many wives... its a long story thats irrelevant!), and was planning to go up North to work a few years as there are few jobs teaching in my area of Canada. My girlfriends mother said, "And dont even think of taking the child up with those Na...." and stumbled, then said, "Up North." I have observed some racism in her, and was not surprised that she was going to make a comment about Natives, but was none the less very insulted at her ignorance, not to mention a character trait I don't want influencing my child once it is born! The toughest aspect has arisen when she said my girlfriend and I could not live together, as if it were her choice. She said that if we did she would divorce her daughter from the family. We plan on moving into an apartment of my parents. Regardless of what her parents say or do we will be doing this, as the baby deserves a father and a mother, and we love each other and feel strongly that I need to be around to support my girlfriend and her support me. Understanding the religious issues, we said that we would sleep in different rooms, but her mother insisted this was not acceptable and will result in my girlfriend being ostracized from her family. We tried to meet her half way, but it was no where near good enough. Her entire family sees it wrong for us to live in an apartment of my parents, and we have been told to do the 'righteous' thing instead of the moral thing. The 'rightous' thing is raising the child at her parents house and 'permitting' me to come by and visit my own child. At first I was told, not asked, that the baby would be raised at her parents house and I would be 'allowed' to come and visit. Her father has softened and said I could sleep downstairs. This is all nice and dandy, but my girlfriend has been wanting to escape her house for years now due to the oppression. Her parents want to have the appearance of 'Godliness' and as a result are extremely legalistic and appear to be devoid of love or healthy relationships. We both agree her home is no home for a baby. More importantly, we feel strongly that as a new family we need to act as one, and this means having our own place. My girlfriend and I have both agreed that we need our own apartment as we are starting a family. We are the parents, and we want to be active in our child's life. I told my girlfriend that these issues are make or break for me, as I refuse to sit on the sidelines as a father. I want to be woken up at the wee hours of night to help stop the crying, I want to change diapers, I want to see the first smile, I want to be active in my child's love. It has been a dream to be a father, and now it seems her mom is doing everything to crush that dream. Her mother recently told her that if my girlfriend was to break up with me that she would get full custody. My girlfriend said she was shocked as breaking up with me was the last thing on her mind. My girlfriend feels it vital for me to be there for the baby and for her. We also worry about her home as her father has some strange mental issues. While not trained, many people suspect he has bi-polar disorder. He is also addicted to pain killers. Simply put, there are far to many things going on in her house that make it the worst place for a child to be raised, even if this house was the only option! While at my girlfriends house we read books to her belly, and I rub cocoa butter on it. We have studied parenting books and are giving it our best. Her mother has issues with this. My girlfriend is not allowed to touch her belly in public, and I am not allowed to rub her belly in her parents house. Ever since her mother found out about the baby she has begun to sigh when any attention was made to my girlfriends belly. My girlfriend called her mother on this saying that it appeared she thought this beautiful gift was a funeral, and her mother responded by saying that its terrible and her life will never be good again. We have been told this is not a gift from God, and made to be shamed. Religion has been used to make us feel prisoner. Do not get me wrong, I am not against religion, I myself am Christian, I am just pointing out that their branch of religion seems more of an abusive power used to control people, instead of a message of love and that funny thing called grace! My girlfriend and I have been talking lots about her family dynamics and both agree its a vitriolic environment. But, she maintained for some time it was her job to make people feel better, even if it came at the expense of her personal health. She said it was not her fault her parents acted the way they did and it would be better for her to sacrifice herself to make them happy. She has told me on many times she does not deserve voice. She believes that women do not deserve voice and the man is most powerful. This is how it is in her home. I have tried so hard to get her interested in feminism, so that she can see that she has just as much value as a man. I try to foster to her that her views are just as important to mine and that there is no hierarchy in the family we are starting. Sometimes its hard to get her views out, and I want so desperately for her to be herself (Yes, I know the irony that encouraging her to look into feminism may not her being herself... I am not trying to force her into it though, just show her another view point and to empower her!) She is seeing this, and staring to take voice to her parents. The other day she asked her mother to respect her, and her mother began to sob, and became irrational. My girlfriend said she felt terrible and should not voice herself for fear of her mothers fragile state. But I see this as wrong, her mother is manipulating her with such attitudes. I have a hard time feeling reassured that my girlfriend may not put her new family first over her parents family. My girlfriend asked to come to my house as the child is celebrated there and we are encouraged to show it love. We as a giant family talk about plans for the apartment and the joys of being parents. She feels welcomed here, and feels she can be excited due to the lack of oppression. I have been told by her mother that my girlfriend is not allowed to stay at my house, and I must drive her home. She even calls my house to tell my girlfriend to come home and guilts her. To make things even weirder, and what seems super unhealthy... My girlfriends father is away for work, and MY GIRLFRIEND IS EXPECTED TO SLEEP IN THE SAME BED AS HER MOTHER, as her mother hates being alone. It is not a once in a while thing, but every night. My girlfriend thinks this is normal, and says her mother needs it. Ive tried to research on academic databases about this issue, but it seems people only write about it with adolescence and not full grown adults that are expecting a child! It also scares me as my girlfriends shows some of the same behaviors of being terrified of being alone, but she is receptive to hearing people out about this concern. My girlfriend and I do not know what to do. We are starting counseling, and have suggested this to her family, but they treat us as if we have slapped them in the face for inferring that perhaps their perfect religious lives may not be perfect. I know family is important, and want my girlfriend to have her family there for when our new family begins, but we feel her family is inept to change, and that unless we walk into oppression and their every demands that this issue will not get solved. WHAT DO WE DO!!! We have to walk on eggshells. Heck, I cannot even openly talk about supporting gay-rights, for its a 'sin' in their house, and there are ample concerns about me being good for their daughter as I am a supporter of evolution. Their daughter and I are both not the cookie cutter of religious fundamentalism,and as a result we are lost in a sea of toxic family relationships. My girlfriend is perpetually distraught over the issue, and her mental health is a huge concern, not to mention the health of my child. My girlfriend has suggested to me on many occasions to elope. Over the last year an a half this issue has come up many times. I usually chuckle at the thought, but she has always been serious. I have let her down as its taken me too long to propose to her, and feel we should be married, but have been fearful of commitment. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, not because of the child coming, but because we work well together. We can have disagreements and amicably come to solutions together. We really work well together and strive to be healthy. My last issue to bring up, is elopement a good idea considering the issues. Her father is a pastor, and it was my girlfriends dreams to get married by him, but he wont do it for at least three years (its a power struggle things against me), and her mother is upset we didnt secretly get married and have a shotgun marriage. We have told everyone about our expecting child, as we are excited, and everyone shares this, but her parents. My mom said we should just elope, have force her parents to cut the strings of oppression that they have been using on her. I do not want to elope out of spite, but as I love her. What to do. So many issues. Its all so frustrating, as her family has forgotten there is a third party involved, my precious child, and this blameless child has done nothing wrong to deserve such a toxic environment to enter the world itn. WHAT CAN I DO SO THAT MY CHILD WILL HAVE A CHANCE AT A HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT ONCE ITS BORN!!! |
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August 27, 2008, 9:53 am PDT
I don't know what to do about my mom's manipulation of the entire family. If I tell anyone what's going on it will look as if I'm dragging people into arguments and I can't take feeling like I have to defend myself to everyone. My father has always been a control freak and an abuser. My mother has always protected him at the expense of my brother, sister and myself. Well about 7 years ago my father beat the crap out of my niece (who lived with them because her mother was in prison). She told me dad had hit her and my brother who lived 5 mins. away refused to. I stopped at their house and saw my dad, not a mark on him (and he answered the door in his underpants). He told me they were at the police station. When I got there she treated my niece like she was garbage and blamed her for everything and said dad was all clawed up (at that time she didn't know I already saw dad). Well I brought her home with me and my mom started with defending my dad and told at least 5 different versions of what happened (and ended up with oh! he has a scratch behind his ear). I told her she should be ashamed of herself and stop the lies. I spoke with CPS and they did not get a police report (the police said CPS would call and tell me what to do) so they could do nothing because I could just be trying to make trouble. I told my mom if she calls me again I would not pick her up unless it was at CPS.
When she went back to school a few days later a teacher took her to the office and they called my parents in to talk. My dad refused to show up so my mom went alone. The school reported it to CPS themselves after my mom said she would be punished because she had to come to the school. I found this out from a cheerleading coach I had to call later because my mom wouldn't let me talk to my niece.
For over 3 year I visited and was belittled, treated like garbage, and told I don't know how to mind my own business. My dad believes I had my niece press charges against him, because he had to pay a fine. I have never brought the subject up but they always do. I have since stopped putting myself and my children and husband in the position to be treated like that.
Every family member I have talked to always brings up how I won't talk to mom (I have never refused to talk to her and she very rarely calls except to start a fight). Recently my mom called about a cousin that was dying (nobody ever told me she was sick). Well she left a message (I wasn't home) and imediately called my aunt and said I won't take her calls.
I called her back and asked about my cousin and she laughed and said she called to tell me to pick up the phone when her cell phone number pops up. I don't have caller ID and I explained to her that if she leaved a message I will get back to her (it took me 10 mins.) Then she screamed when my number pops up pick up the phone and laughed (a lould phony laugh). Then dad yells from the background "what's she talking about", then she tould him I was talking about that fight with "my niece". And proceded to say "Oh that we forgot about that years ago ha! ha! ha!" she repeated this at least 5 times, while I was on the phone telling her that wasn't true and asking why she's doing this to me. Then I lost it and proceded to tell her off.
Later looking back on things that happend over the years I realized that she has been doing everything she could do to keep me away and my dad is completely unaware of things she has been up to. She has my aunt and my sister completely convinced I am doing something to hurt her. She has been pushing me out of the family and if I say anything I'm trouble. Once she actually called a few days before my birthday and said "are you having a good birthday?" and then when I said it was in a few days she tried to make me believe it was that day then laughed and hung up. I wrote it off as getting old at the time. Now with the events that recently happened I am beginning to put the pieces of a lot of odd things together and realized she has been doing a lot of things to ensure that I won't come around.
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August 30, 2008, 2:19 pm PDT
I am 19 years old and married to a wonderful husband who happens to be a Marine {OoRah :) }. We live 12 hours away from back home and I find myslef with some major issues with my father still. I do not know how to get past him. He has been an alcoholic for my entire life. My mother (who is wonderful) and my father divorced when I was around 11, but they had been seperated on and off again pretty much ever since my sister (who is 5 years older than me) was born. I was used to my father not being there and then being there. Not showing up places or worst yet, showing up intoxicated. I have put the disappointment past me long ago. I feel like I still hold on to anger as well as the need to have a father. I hate that I have that need! I have a wonderful life, a wonderful family. But I cannot get past the non-existence of a father-daughter relationship. I did have a father figure growing up (my grandfather) so it's not like I want that. I have tried so many times to put him in my life, but he ALWAYS does something that puts us right back at square one. For example, I married my husband June 07. I had my grandfather walk me down the aisle b/c I wasn't even sure if my father would show up. He did and thank God he was sober. In fact, I found out from family memebers that he had been for about 4 months. So I made the mistake of letting him back into my heart. My husband was deployed 3 weeks after we were married so I stayed in our home town for six months. Things were okay between us. We talked on the phone and I went to see hima coupl of times. Christmas came around and my husband returned. Everything was fine between them (My husband doesn't think the greatest of my father because he knows how much he put us through) and they even got along okay. We moved 12 hours away and I would talk to him every once in a while. Maybe every 2-3 weeks. In May 08, my husband's father unexpectedly passed away, so we went home on emergency leave. We made time to have a quick breakfast with him. Everything was fine...my father told us he had kept his job for a couple of months. Immediately following our return, things went down hill. Fast. My father began having severe back problems and his doctor put him on a pain medication. Medication like Muscle relaxers and Vicodin. Then the drinking started again. With the alcohol and the meds my father became a different person. Not just the drunk I was used to, but a very mean drunk. He called me July 4th weekend and pretty much went nuts on me telling me I never called him, etc. He also was very disrespectful to my husband. My husband dealt with it okay, he just brushed it off. Well I made the mistake of calling him and asking him to respect us when we were in our house. Wrong move on my part! The harrassment began immediately. I was so close to changing my number! He would call at all hours of the day and night. Leave terrible messages on bpth our voicemails. Threatened to kill us and put a "hit" out for my husband. The verbal abuse was atrocious! Language I would not even think about using! I tried to very hard to brush it off, but I broke. I probably cried for 3 hours, not exaggerating. I was so mad at myself for letting him in! To make this long story a little bit shorter, he is in jail now for setting his father's car on fire among a few other things. I recently found out I was expecting our first child (we're so happy!!!!) and I am debating on even telling him (although I am sure he has found out by now). I wrote him a letter that is still stitting waiting to mailed to tell him. But I wonder if he even deserves to know. I want my father in my life, even after all of this. But I want the father that I have the happy memories of. The sober father. I absolutely hate that I have that need for the relationship. But he is all I have thought of in the past few days. I put in the letter that the only way he could have a relationship with me (especially since there will be another person invloved) he will have to do it sober. So here I am. Confused and still hurting. Any advice would be so great. And I thank-you in advance. Have a wonderful day and thank you fo taking the time to read this. |
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September 6, 2008, 7:02 pm PDT
I am wondering if there are mothers out there who have adult daughters that they are close with? My daughter is a 31 year old professional woman. She is going through a divorce this year but has no children. She owns her own home and lives about 30 minutes from my house. I am very involved with my daughter-and actually moved from California to be near her thinking she would be having children soon, (and having my entire family living along the east coast from Pennsyvalnia to Florida. ) Since she gave her husband the boot, my husband (not her real father) and I have been financiallly assisting her. with things like utility bills, divorce attorneys , therapy, etc. I have been also doing what I can to help get her house back into good repair among other things. She tells me everything that is going on in her life with men-and she has recently taken in a fellow who is a work friend and a roommate. I don't like the arrangement because they are sleeping together sometimes and he is much younger than she is and the relationship is "Only temporary". Long story short, we had a blow up about a week ago and she stormed out but not before I said "you are so selfish"....how I really felt was that she doesn't seem to get that I would like to have only her time, quality time, in return for everything I do for her. I am living alone and get very lonely-I realize that I need to have my own life and do, but don't get to spend time with her because she fills her time with girlfriends and guys, either the roomate or others she is meeting. Not to mention she works during the week. Because of the blow up now she says that I let her down and she is disapointed that I pushed her out when she was dying for someone to love her. Now she isn't speaking to me. The last time we had a "fight" was 15 years ago and we probably will go another 15 years before we have another blow up....but if I can't be honest about my feelings in fear that she'll shut me out like this then what kind of real relationship do we have? And why is it just about her feelings when I felt sad about what happened too? How do I get this behind us? How can I stop enabling my adult child without feeling like I'm abandoning her? Since her separation she has been suffering from seizures and migranes, chest pains....that have put her in the hospital over and over again. She is now on topomax and was on a beta blocker for the chest pain...she has also gone through cancer treatment for melanoma, so I'm extremely sensitive to her health issues and need to know that she is okay...but also think she is pretty self absorbed. Any thoughts on this? |
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September 8, 2008, 5:13 am PDT
Presentation: I am an 27 years old Romanian and I live and work in Norway temprarily with my girlfriend. We plan to marry to have children and to return to Romania to have our own house and to be independent of our families. Families: I come from a poor family.My mother works as a clean woman and my dad has not a job, he just wants to be on his own and he is working alone at home for little money since 1998.He is an alcoholic, egocentric and selfish man. His family were also poor.His mother were analphabet and his father an alcoholic. His family didn't help him with nothing not even when he married my mom. In Romania the boy's parents must handle all the stuff for the wedding. I have 2 sisters who live with my parents, one she is 22 years old and the other is 25 years old. None of them is married and none of them has plans to make her own future. Our mother raised us by herself from 1998 when dad quit his job (in fact he was fired because of his behaviour). She struggled so much with us and she suffered with my alcoholic and stupid egocentric careless inconstient father. We were forced to move from our apartement since 2000 because of the debts so we moved into a house in the suburbs. The house we bought there was a disaster and needed improvemets in all the fields. The situation didn't change much even today. My mother has a low salary, my father's money are almost invisible, and my sister work pretty much for them selves.So if we marry now i will not get any help from my family: not for the furniture, not for the wedding, not for nothing. Currently they have 4 loans in banks all of them were made for improvements to the house, one of them is made by me before I met my girlfriend and I was in the same situation like them.Before i got luckily to Norway I used to help with money my family but now I have to be on my own. My girlfriend comes from a middle class family. Her parents managed to buy her and her sister apartaments and they didn't miss almost anything in thei lives. She is used to go in holidays, to buy beatiful clothes whenever she likes something. Her parrents suported her in every situation and they let her choose in life whatever she wanted no matter if they knew it isn the best for her. But usualy she chosed good. We met 1 year and 3 months ago, we liked each other, she had the oportunity to come and work in Norway and I followed her. We love each other very much and we since the begining we planes to get married. Problems: She didn't know from what family I came, her parents didnt know either.Recently we had a discution involving our future marriage. She realized that my parents help will be ZERO.We talked with her parents about this before talking with my parents. Her parents were very angry and they said that if my parents wont help us with the wedding at least they wont let her marry with me. When we talked with my family I found out that they want to make another loan at the bank, a big one. When I told my mother that we want to get marry next years she said that we dont have to hurry so much and tht we have to wait and that they have to make that credit at the bank because their house is a shame for them. My sisters begun to be against me. We faught really bad about it. Since then my girlfriend would not want to see my parents again and she will not respect them at all from now on. When I asked my father if they going to help me for the furniture or for our wedding he said categoricaly NO to both of them. My mother was very upset on me because I asked this normal help for us. The big problem is that I know that now they can't help me with money but they want to make the loan in the bank instead. My father was always not for our family but pretty much just for himself. He drinks a lot., he smokes a lot, he goes to fishing even if he knows that the bills are higher and higher. He always let all the house matters to my mother and to us the children. Sometimes he used to argue with my sisters and to say to them that they should marry quicker just to let him stay only with my mother and to have less concernes. She used to beat my mother when he was drunk. But my mother stayed with him just for us to have an entire family.She always hoped for a better future for us. But the situation never changed. They struggle evry month to pay the loans, the bills and to live. My sisters are a little egocentric themselves. They didn't help my mother like I used to help her before I left to Norway. They used to buy clothes for them selves to buy unnecesary things and to spend fulishly their money. When I left they begun to help her. My girlfriend parents dont want to help us anymore and they said that they did enough. They say that it is the boy's parents business to pay for the wedding and if it will not happend so they will interdict our relationship. They were very categoric in this matter. My girlfriend begun to hate my parents and she doesnt want to see them anymore not even at our wdding if we can somehow marry without their help. We earn enough here in Norway in order to have a peaceful life when we come back in Romania but she used to have a peaceful life even before she came here. So she doesnt like to stay here and to save money. She miss her parents her habits. So she doesnt want to stay here for ever in order to allow us to make them all for our future. She wants to stay just for couple of years and to return. In this time we wont save enough moey to start on our own in Romania. I love my mother a lot. I love my girlfriend a lot and we realize that we are going to suffer a lot if we separate and that will be not because us , will be because of my parents that they cannot help us with nothing and her parents that they wont allow our relationship. HELP!
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