Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

Less than a year ago, my brother married his long time, on and off girlfriend.  I love her for bringing my brother out of his shell.  She has introduced him to a lot of new things.  They travel a lot and he is generally more outgoing than he has been in the past.  The issue I have with her is that she is controlling and flat out mean at times.  She talks AT him and almost orders him around.  When I visit them at their house, there are only pictures of her family and friends and everything is decorated to her taste.  There is nothing that would lead anyone to believe that he even lives there.  She doesn’t help out with housework or laundry as she says it hurts her back.  She is currently unemployed with no visible intentions of ever getting a job.

It’s easy for outside observers to say, “tell him to grow a pair” but that’s just not how my brother is.  He is a fantastic listener and a kind hearted person.  The problem is, it has caused my brother to lie to me about their relationship and other aspects of it because he knows I will usually confront her, which I have done in the past.  It’s always been in a respectful, kind way.  I have a professional background as a counselor and am familiar with communicating effectively.  I guess my question is, do I keep confronting her when she is rude to my brother or other family members?  She has a habit of being extremely blunt and does not show tact in certain statements.  I want to have a better relationship with her and I want my brother to know that the only reason I say anything is because I love him and I do not like to see any family members mistreated.  I have real concerns for when the kids start coming.  I can just see him getting up all hours of the night, cleaning, cooking and working full time at his job…..

Not sure where to start, so here it goes...

My husbands family is so toxic that I am ready to tell him that I can no longer have anything to do with them.  The problem is that he is so close to them that this will most definately cause issues between us, and I'm really not sure how to approach him with this.

Let me start by saying that we've been married for almost eight years, and the immeshment issues between him, his 29 year old sister (with the maturity of a 12 yr old), and his parents have been prevelant since the beginning.  He has worked really hard at establishing better boundaries, but they are so sick that for me, no amount of distance is enough.  Up until now, I have beared their presence for his sake.

Both my husband and his father are recovering addicts, and they both attend 12 step meetings twice a week together (which I find odd in itself).  His father is an extremely controlling and overbearing person that tries to intimidate and manipulate everyone around him.  I am not impressed, nor phased by his persona, thus we have an unspoken understanding in that we do not like each other, but mask it for my husbands sake.  His mother is a passive woman that never really stands up for herself, who I really love, but have no respect for.  Who allows her daughter and husband to treat her like an evil stepchild.  My husbands sister (who is single and has a toddler) is so co dependent on her father that she cannot conduct day to day life without his approval or direction.  She has moved in and out of her parents home too many times to even count, and must enlist her father in every aspect.  She just recently had a "breakdown", and was admitted to a crisis center under "suicide watch".  Supposedly her counselor told her to quit her job because it was too stressful (I don't buy it since she lies about everything).  So she just didn't call in so they would fire her in order for her to claim unemployment, before finding a new job, and now has no way to pay her bills or support her child, and will no doubtedly end up moving back in with mommy and daddy.  She is so emotionally immature that everywhere she goes she creates drama from nothing, she says inappropriate things at inappropriate times, and I honestly can't even have a conversation with her becuz it's like talking to a mentally challenged person, or to a child.  She uses illness to get attention and has also used this tactic with getting attention for her child.   

She is now attending the 12 step meetings right along with my husband and father inlaw!  I find this oddly strange and, once again, extremely inappropriate.

The problem is that anytime I try to talk to my husband about things, he either gets defensive or abruptly ends the conversation and refuses to talk about it.  I understand that it's his family, but if it were mine, I would limit my association, as well as try to spare him from having to endure them. 

At this point, I want to tell him that I cannot associate with them at all.  But how do I do that and not cause huge issues between us?  Am I being to unreasonable here?  I feel sick at the thought of even having to spend the day with them....

Any advice would be more than appreciated.  Thank you

I have Googled keywords and phrases and still can't find answers.

My fiance and I have a 4 month old son that he spends no time with. He spends his free time on the computer, mostly Myspace.  When I do ask him to hold our son, he does for no more than 10 minutes, he says his arms get tired, he'll occasionally say "hi" to him over the course of the day and it infuriates me that he doesn't seem interested at all which in turn effects how I treat my fiance so that creates more issues...No attention or sex which seems to be the most important issue for him. He doesn't "say" that though, he communicates through his Myspace page, changes his moods and status etc. Thats another huge issue, communication, there is none, he doesn't speak and when I do I've reached boiling point, at that point and yell and he tunes out.

I thought it would get better once our son got a little older where he could interact with him, but it hasn't. I am starting to (if not already) resenting him because he can get up and go whenever he wants without any concern for anyone but himself.  I understand the bond between parents are different, my son is my heart but he doesn't even seem to care.

How do I get him to understand that his son is more important than the computer? That it would make me happy to see that he cares and in turn he would reap the benefits too. Or am I just kidding myself?

After growing up in a household where violence and alcohol was commonplace, I came to the painful conclusion several years back that it was best for me to cut all ties with my parents.  It was not done in anger, nor was it done to spite them.  It was only after much therapy and many attempts to set boundaries with them that I realized it was time to say goodbye and not allow them to continue their now insidious abuse of me as an adult. 

While those closest to me understand my decision, there are those who don’t understand it and either want to fix it, or try to guilt me into reconciling.  I now feel as if I can’t be honest about this decision because of the stigma that comes from not having a relationship with a family. 

My childhood was one long nightmare.  My alcoholic dad was a very loud and angry man who would beat me regularly over minor offenses.  He would follow up these sessions with a teary drunken apology.  My mom was uneducated, never worked, and was a very bitter woman overwhelmed with all of her kids.  As the first girl of the bunch, I was singled out for her disdain, disgust, indifference, and yet she wanted full control of me at all times.  Never heard an “I love you” from her, and barely remember even getting a hug.  Although she didn’t go after me physically as often as my dad, she stood by while he beat me and I vividly remember seeing a sick satisfactory smirk on her face whenever she would tell on me, knowing full well what it would lead to.  Because I was treated this way by them, my brothers thought it was ok to treat me just as bad, both physically and sexually.    

Fast forward to my late teens/early 20’s, I moved out at a very early age and despite a serious lack of social skills and insecurity that just about consumed me, I did well for myself.  I bloomed and became a successful businesswoman who took pride in her accomplishments and for once, her looks.  It was then that for some reason they saw some worth in me.  They wanted me to come to every family gathering and paraded me around like a pony.  The gall still amazes me, but they would actually sit back and enjoy kudos from others for raising such a daughter.  It was at this point where the public “I love you’s” and hugs began… 

As I got older, I still played the game of “we’re such an awesome family”, dutifully attending all family functions, and at the same time, adhered to my mom’s scripts.  See, whenever an uncomfortable topic would come up, she would immediately chime up with her warped version of events to gloss everything over.  For instance, because she was uncomfortable with my femininity, she would chop my hair off.  Now that I have long hair, I am often asked if it was always like that.  If my mom was around when I would say it was short, she would immediately chime in with “it wasn’t that short, and that was the style”.  No mention of her telling the hair dresser not to listen to me, to just cut it short.  Or, if someone commented regarding how small our house was and how did we all fit, she would immediately gloss this over with “well the kids were smaller, there was always plenty of room”. 

After I got married, and became a parent, I realize that I needed to learn how to parent.  I was heads up enough to realize that I was at risk of either repeating the cycle of abuse, or going full board the opposite way and not instilling structure in my child’s life.  This was also the time when I started therapy.  Then, one day when my Daughter was younger, I had what I can only describe as an awakening.  It came in the form of a phone call between my Daughter and my dad.  I saw her face, she looked confused and when I got on the phone, I heard a voice from my past.  It was my dad’s drunken slurry voice on the other line, and in an instant, I was a powerless child again without any control. 

Now it’s not that I never heard that voice as an adult, I think the catalyst was that my daughter heard it.  After the call, and fortunately out of sight from her, I cried like I have never cried in my entire life.  All the tears that I held in over the years trying to be brave burst forth, and for once, I cried for the lonely girl that I once was, who suffered a long time in silence.  It was then that I saw with clear eyes the full extent of the abuse that I grew up with and just how incredibly toxic my family is. 

For the first time in my life, I spilled the beans.  I told the family secrets to a therapist.  It was chaotic and intense being completely 100% honest about everything since it went against the family creed of keeping secrets and lying by omission.  I realized then that in a sick way, I was still very much tied to my family.  And with my open eyes, I realized that they were still very much abusing me. 

It was during this time that I learned a little more about alcoholism, and learned what a narcissist is. It was also when I realized that some serious boundaries needed to be set up between me and them including making sure that my Daughters time with them was monitored for her protection.  Had my first honest conversation with my mom, asking her some hard questions about my upbringing, all the while explaining that I want to have an honest relationship with her.  She either denied or claimed to not remember.  I was in tears during this call but the only time she cried was when she turned the conversation around to her, and talked about what she endured growing up…Although I wasn’t expecting someone who seemingly has no feelings to suddenly feel something, I was hoping that she would at a minimum, acknowledge my feelings.

I began setting boundaries such as if they are in my house, I do not want to hear gossip about others. (She is a major gossip who likes to play her kids against each other)  In addition, I asked that they keep their drinking to a minimum around my Daughter.  Most important of all, I told them if she is over their house, they are not allowed to drive her anywhere. (Although my mom drinks less, way too much alcohol is being consumed for either of them to be driving)  Needless to say all of my attempts were a bust.  They not only drove my daughter (asking her not to tell), they took her to catechism (knowing full well I do not share their beliefs nor am I raising my Daughter with them) classes behind my back, they even tried negatively talking to my Husband about me to deflect anything that I might be saying about them, and all the while boo hooing to everyone who will listen about what a horrible and mean daughter I am…

After one last booze infused Christmas gathering, I decided enough was enough.  With the support of my loving husband I decided that the only way I could ensure that my focus remains on MY family (i.e., him and my Daughter) is to say goodbye.  I was not about to waste anymore energy trying to fix or even maintain a relationship with them.  Since they couldn’t accept boundaries, I knew they wouldn’t accept a goodbye from me.  So without any fanfare, I/We simply faded away from them and for the first time in my life, I was genuinely happy. 

As is the case with every toxic family, if they see you moving away from them, they try to pull you back in.  I cannot begin to tell you the lengths they have gone to try and lure me back into the fold.  I’ve even moved out of state and when they realized this, they cried to my in-laws asking for my new contact info, all the while bemoaning that they have no idea why I am “doing this to them”.  They now once again have my contact information so a clean break was not to be. 

So here I am today, in a position where I’m genuinely happy, and yet I get a bit down when I’m faced with judgment for my decision.  In my heart of hearts, I know the important people in my life understand, and that I shouldn’t allow others to make me feel bad.  I guess the issue is that while I don’t shout it from the roof top, I do want to continue to be honest when I'm asked about my parents and siblings.  And my wish for a subject as controversial as this one is that others can agree to disagree with me and move on.

Has anyone made the decision to cut ties with their toxic family?  And if so, are you feeling the same way?  I’d really like to hear from you. 

In the meantime, many blessings to each and everyone on this board for being brave enough to  tell their stories.  

I cut all ties in May 07, after a huge fight with my dad.  My mom went behind my back to my kids school functions to talk to them when I sent her a letter tellling her that if she continued I would put a restraining order in place.  So, she responded by sueing me for visitation of my kids.  Said at the hearing that I am prone to overeacting and this was just a fight that has since blown over.  Since, I cut ties I have less stress in my life and my kids behavior has improved.  My parents told me that they have veto power over any decisions that I make and if they want to see the kids I can't stop them.  Since the first hearing was to see if we could come to an arrangement and I said no contact.  We are to have evaluations that cost $300 per.  I haven't heard a word since.  The law is on my side.  My ex came to see the kids and my parents gave him a sob story and asked him to let them see the kids.  I reminded him that the case is also against him and they will use anything he does in court against him.  He didn't let them see the kids however he gave the kids presents from them which I took and promptly returned.  I said no contact means no contact.  It has gotten easier as time goes on.  No more drama, No more being played, they are still spreading rumors about me. So what, who cares.  Good luck to you.  Stay Strong.

  My youngest sister’s marriage ended in divorce she has 2 daughters 13 and 11 …..She needs a sitter 3 days a week for 2 hours a day and for days the kids are out of school.    I did not choose her husband and it is not my fault she has to work now 

My Honest Opinion...  her oldest should have to cut the extracurricular activities (clubs 3 days a week) until the youngest is responsible enough to stay home alone! 

She refuses to have her daughter stay at a friend’s home 2 hours a day after school 3 days a week until the oldest child gets home.

She will not call the school for after school programs and claims "I should not have to pay for child care when I have two sisters and my Mother to watch them! 

She used to watch another of our sister’s children when she was single.  Sure she got paid a few times but not always.  She feels it’s payback time!    And that we owe her!   she never watched my kids.  she did once when my father in law passed away but that was it!

We are 10 and 13 years older than she is, our kids are much older (some of them).

One sister works full time and feels exhausted when she comes home at night, and she works all day at a school with kids!   When she has a day off from school her kids are home too, having extra kids just feels out of the question.   She was watching them, but when it was time to come get them it was around 7:00 or 8:00 p.m. and she gets off work at 5:00 and should be there approx.  5:30 abusing the free help!

I have 5 kids, I run 2 home based business one is a full time seamstress, when the kids are home for a day off of school with 5 kids adding 2 more is just too much for me!  ... I used to babysit for years.  I don’t like it anymore, it’s too much to handle with the amount of children I have now!

  She expects me to keep them from 8:00 p.m. for a sleepover and stay until 5:30 p.m. the next day it’s too much for free sitting for me!

Her girls are great!!   My kids are wonderful too......but when they all get together they act differently and it is total chaos.....

 I don’t feel anyone should Have to do it... she is working it’s her obligation to find a sitter....  SF!