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Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

Number of Replies: 1900
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:18:00 am
Author : dataimport
Whether it stems from substance abuse, violence or manipulation, some family relationships are harmful and need to be terminated until the abuse stops. Are you involved in a toxic relationship?

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August 23, 2005, 8:45 pm CDT

HI

I may be on my 3 move this has got me very depressed I got a house to wrent but i havent been able to move in yet and where I am staying now they want to start paying wrent which I don't have they want to charge me $100.00 dollars wich I don't have because I am saving it fore rent and geting things turned on I am also trying to get my landlord to get the other people out so I can move in I have until this thursday to ether move in to my house of find a nother place to live because I can't aford to stay hear. I just don't know what to do all I have done is get upset and cry. 

 

sara 

 
August 24, 2005, 10:15 am CDT

My mom???

Im 18 and I live with my mom. My mom is mean and rude about almost everything I do. She has to know everything I do, everywhere I go. If I go to walmart or something, she even has to know what I bought??? This summer, my g/f of 9 months, were going to move out and get a place of our own together. Then when we had everything going good, we were going to get her son back and take him in. At the time, he was staying with her uncle. I was looking forward to moving out and being on my own, and being with her. But then after I went to see her at her uncles while she was seeing her son, she decided she wanted to come back with me. So I was going to wait the weekend and take her back to the women's shelter where she had been staying.(Long Story, she's 18 too) So, I was going to have her just stay here at the house for a couple of days, knowing my mom wouldnt mind. Then all of a sudden, I wasnt even included in the conversation, my mom told her she could stay here. And then some things happened at her uncles house and my mom knew something was going on, and she told me to send my gf into her room, they talked and when she came out she said "Your mom said me and my son could stay here" SO I was like ok, good, great. Then, about a week or 2 down the line, she says, Im going to have to charge her 50 dollars a month to stay here, which isnt bad, but she shouldve told her that in the begining. And when I first started dating this girl, my mom told me i couldnt, and my mom made it obvious that she didnt like her. I had the nerve to bring her to our house once and my mom was courteous to her face, but rude after she left. What I want to know is, is my mom just jealous, that is what the rest of my family thinks. Was she mad that I was happy? Did she just think that im not ready for that kind of relationship? Or was she just scared that my g/f was about to take her place in my life, and im the youngest so, what is it?
 
August 24, 2005, 10:41 am CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: sun_star

I may be on my 3 move this has got me very depressed I got a house to wrent but i havent been able to move in yet and where I am staying now they want to start paying wrent which I don't have they want to charge me $100.00 dollars wich I don't have because I am saving it fore rent and geting things turned on I am also trying to get my landlord to get the other people out so I can move in I have until this thursday to ether move in to my house of find a nother place to live because I can't aford to stay hear. I just don't know what to do all I have done is get upset and cry. 

 

sara 

 

  

Is there anything I could do to Help you? You really need to Breath, and slow down. Get a pen and paper, Make a chart, or list of: 

  

            eg.  What do I need    When do I need it by     Is there anyone to help me      Could there be a negotiation between you and the $100.00, maybe you could write an I.O.U to be paid befor  ? date. 

I am praying  for help for you. God Bless. Lorrie   

 
August 24, 2005, 12:19 pm CDT

Your mom.....

Quote From: bball4life

Im 18 and I live with my mom. My mom is mean and rude about almost everything I do. She has to know everything I do, everywhere I go. If I go to walmart or something, she even has to know what I bought??? This summer, my g/f of 9 months, were going to move out and get a place of our own together. Then when we had everything going good, we were going to get her son back and take him in. At the time, he was staying with her uncle. I was looking forward to moving out and being on my own, and being with her. But then after I went to see her at her uncles while she was seeing her son, she decided she wanted to come back with me. So I was going to wait the weekend and take her back to the women's shelter where she had been staying.(Long Story, she's 18 too) So, I was going to have her just stay here at the house for a couple of days, knowing my mom wouldnt mind. Then all of a sudden, I wasnt even included in the conversation, my mom told her she could stay here. And then some things happened at her uncles house and my mom knew something was going on, and she told me to send my gf into her room, they talked and when she came out she said "Your mom said me and my son could stay here" SO I was like ok, good, great. Then, about a week or 2 down the line, she says, Im going to have to charge her 50 dollars a month to stay here, which isnt bad, but she shouldve told her that in the begining. And when I first started dating this girl, my mom told me i couldnt, and my mom made it obvious that she didnt like her. I had the nerve to bring her to our house once and my mom was courteous to her face, but rude after she left. What I want to know is, is my mom just jealous, that is what the rest of my family thinks. Was she mad that I was happy? Did she just think that im not ready for that kind of relationship? Or was she just scared that my g/f was about to take her place in my life, and im the youngest so, what is it?

You might not ever know what the real, true reasons why your mom acts this way, but it does sound like she has some jelousy and possesiveness towards you. What was her childhood like, what was her life like when she was your age? Did she miss out on things, because if so, she could be jelous that now you are living the life of a teen that she didn't get to live.  

When you buy things and she wants to know about what it is, is it out of concern that you are wasting money? Does she try to guide you towards being frugal or staying on a budget...or is it all just because she is very nosy? It would be good if the reasons why she is concerned about what you buy is because she wants to teach you the value of a dollar....however it sounds more like she has the attitude that, "this is my home and you do what I say, just because!"  

Its possible that your mom is jelous, but she has allowed your gf to move in, right? Is she nice to her? Is is possible to talk to your mom, like when she is quizzing you about your purchases, say something like, "mom, I know you are concerned about my budget, but why do you need to know everything I buy?" It doesn't have to be a fight, just a conversation so that you can understand her better. You are at the age where you relationship with your mother is going from parent/child to adult/adult now, it can be a rough time when you are figuring out how to assert your adulthood onto your parent. I wish you the best!! 

 
August 30, 2005, 3:18 pm CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: lorrieannd

I am not sure about the U.S., but here in Canada we have a "Grandparents" law. It was put into place for exactly your reason. I am sure you can find something for your state/province on the internet. Look for "Grandparents Law" or "Grandparents Rights". Good Luck, We are having the same problem with my EX sister-in-law. My parents live in the same town, and have not seen my nefew in over a year. God Bless. Lorrie
That part is true here in US also.  I do believe there is a law that gives you visitation.  Good luck!
 
August 30, 2005, 3:22 pm CDT

Stepchildren

I really need some help with this:  I am remarried.  I have two children from a previous marriage (they are 13-boy and 8-girl).  I have one child with current marriage.  My son, 13, and my husband go head to head all of the time.  My son has been through a lot.  His dad used to whip him with a belt, his step mother locked him in their basement and wouldn't feed him for hours, etc et.  I have soul custody now.  BUT my husband and my son can't seem to get along.  Husband will yell and yell.  I know my son needs discipline but is it my husband's job to do it?  I know we have to work together as a team but he does it all.  He will yell over what I am saying to my son.  I am sooooo confused.  I don't know if they will ever have a good relationship. My son needs a father but not somebody who holds him back from excelling. 
 
August 31, 2005, 11:56 am CDT

Step-child

Quote From: tresanbob

I really need some help with this:  I am remarried.  I have two children from a previous marriage (they are 13-boy and 8-girl).  I have one child with current marriage.  My son, 13, and my husband go head to head all of the time.  My son has been through a lot.  His dad used to whip him with a belt, his step mother locked him in their basement and wouldn't feed him for hours, etc et.  I have soul custody now.  BUT my husband and my son can't seem to get along.  Husband will yell and yell.  I know my son needs discipline but is it my husband's job to do it?  I know we have to work together as a team but he does it all.  He will yell over what I am saying to my son.  I am sooooo confused.  I don't know if they will ever have a good relationship. My son needs a father but not somebody who holds him back from excelling. 

  

  

  I was wondering if your son has had any proffessional help for the ABUSE he suffered with the others? I have a step-dad, since I was 8 yrs, i am now 40. I too suffered abuse from another party, and my s-dad and I constantly argured. Now we are very close ( but that doesn't help you does it) OK It is MY opinion that the step parent must stand back for a while, say 6 months, or when you are all ready. It should be your job to discipline your son, WITH your husbands 100% backing. I feel that your son has issues that need to be delt with...by a proffessional. He must find it hard to except authority considering what he has been through. I hope this helped a little. Oh ya...YELLING is not going to get the response you are looking for, so tell your husband to take the BACK seat to you, and just follow your lead. Good Luck 

 
September 1, 2005, 3:54 pm CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

    

    

 My mother --we don't get along.  Because my mother chose to tell another family member that she "Preferred" my sister over me, we don't speak, nor have we spoken in more than a year.  Our relationship has always been strained.  A week ago, my ex husband came to me and told me that through my sister, he had been asked to bring our 6 year old so to my mother's home during his visitation weekends. Behind my back of course.   

    

  When my son was born, he was in the NICU for a week and MY Mother never came to see him, or me. My mother in law came everyday to give her newborn grandson his lunch She's very much a part of his life, and unlike my mother.. our son knows her.   Naturally he's my son, so why should MY mother be bothered,?  When my mother called me to say she was a couple of blocks from our house- the week before, but never called or stopped by, or let us know she was going to be in the area-- well, I just chalked it up to her less than stellar "grandmothering" and let it alone. She had a busy life being my sisters full time caregiver to my sisters kids.  Naturally she's too busy to be bothered with my kids.   

    

  So, I am posting this in hopes of getting a few Ideas on what to do about this, if anything.  Once I took the ex down memory lane and how involved my mother has been in our son's life-for the last 6+ years... He agreed that she's up to something hokey, and we are pretty certain it's because my sister has no use for her since her kids are elderly teens now-- that my mother wants to use our son to entertain herself-- until the olderst grand from my sister starts having a family of her own.  Then we can console our devastated son because "Grandma" no longer knows he's alive-- again. Our son has extended family in his father's side.    

    

  I dont know if I should tell other family members about this-such as my mother's sisters and such,  but it would certainly explain my hostility toward her.  I could keep quiet-- since they already know of our rift from her last alienation tactics and why we are no longer speaking.  Our son is protected..  No, my mother is not diagnosed or on any medications for mental illness- though I have my suspicions.   She's been calling me and being silent on the phone, since I called her and told her I knew, and a few "Adjectives" about her to describe how I felt about her and going behind my back.  

Thanks !  

   

Annie  

 
September 1, 2005, 4:07 pm CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: tresanbob

I really need some help with this:  I am remarried.  I have two children from a previous marriage (they are 13-boy and 8-girl).  I have one child with current marriage.  My son, 13, and my husband go head to head all of the time.  My son has been through a lot.  His dad used to whip him with a belt, his step mother locked him in their basement and wouldn't feed him for hours, etc et.  I have soul custody now.  BUT my husband and my son can't seem to get along.  Husband will yell and yell.  I know my son needs discipline but is it my husband's job to do it?  I know we have to work together as a team but he does it all.  He will yell over what I am saying to my son.  I am sooooo confused.  I don't know if they will ever have a good relationship. My son needs a father but not somebody who holds him back from excelling. 

  

  

 Oh am I in your boat... I have a son from a previous marriage. Same problem, my boy was WILD.. my ex husband was a very "Disinterested" parent.  so my son would tell my new husband he hated him.. did not have to listen to him.  So.. maybe what we did will work for you.  My husband and I provide my son a United Front.  This takes time, and it does work,and it takes DAILY work also.  

  

     You and your husband are a team.  Basic rules apply, (an example: no desert before dinner, that sort of thing.  Start at the basics.  Yelling has to stop.  If my son goes to my husband and he says "I want icecream now" and my husband says no, It's lunchtime" and then my son comes to me-- I say no also.  Even if I think it's okay for my son to have the icrecream... Always a UNITED FRONT. 

if I disagree with my husband on his verdict, we go into our room.. lock the door .. and discuss it.  Quietly.. and I will ask-- "what is the reason you say no?  It seems okay to me .." and we Come to an agreement,  and if any changes are to be made, we let "OUR" son know.  Now "my son" is OUR son.  We are a family, and my husband is respected by my son and he even calls him Dad. Now my son won't go to sleep unless he knows my husband is safe and at home. Sometimes.  Our kids need love, but support comes in many forms, and your husband needs to feel his opinion is supported and he has a role as the father of these kids.  he needs to feel respected (it's why he yells to be heard) also.  You BOTH have the last words, your a united front, and best friends.  Then the kids get everything they need in a loving enviroment. Not a war zone.  

 
September 1, 2005, 4:23 pm CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: bball4life

Im 18 and I live with my mom. My mom is mean and rude about almost everything I do. She has to know everything I do, everywhere I go. If I go to walmart or something, she even has to know what I bought??? This summer, my g/f of 9 months, were going to move out and get a place of our own together. Then when we had everything going good, we were going to get her son back and take him in. At the time, he was staying with her uncle. I was looking forward to moving out and being on my own, and being with her. But then after I went to see her at her uncles while she was seeing her son, she decided she wanted to come back with me. So I was going to wait the weekend and take her back to the women's shelter where she had been staying.(Long Story, she's 18 too) So, I was going to have her just stay here at the house for a couple of days, knowing my mom wouldnt mind. Then all of a sudden, I wasnt even included in the conversation, my mom told her she could stay here. And then some things happened at her uncles house and my mom knew something was going on, and she told me to send my gf into her room, they talked and when she came out she said "Your mom said me and my son could stay here" SO I was like ok, good, great. Then, about a week or 2 down the line, she says, Im going to have to charge her 50 dollars a month to stay here, which isnt bad, but she shouldve told her that in the begining. And when I first started dating this girl, my mom told me i couldnt, and my mom made it obvious that she didnt like her. I had the nerve to bring her to our house once and my mom was courteous to her face, but rude after she left. What I want to know is, is my mom just jealous, that is what the rest of my family thinks. Was she mad that I was happy? Did she just think that im not ready for that kind of relationship? Or was she just scared that my g/f was about to take her place in my life, and im the youngest so, what is it?

   

   

  You mom is really nice to let your girlfriend move in like that.  50 dollars a month is a bargain.  

You mom would rather have you in her home, than somewhere she does not know where to find you. that tells me she cares a great deal what happens to you, and that your okay.  She's even willing to tolerate a girl with a baby in her home to keep YOU safe. In my book it's okay that she loves you, but love can cripple too.   

   

  I realize your 18 and think you have the world by the tail-and that you "know it all"- but your mom knows the world has teeth and how sharp they are.  If you were my kid-- (and my oldest son is 23.)  I'd be marching your butt down to the nearest recruitment center and signing your butt over to Uncle Sam.  Your girlfriend with the baby would be back at her uncle's house in a heartbeat, and you may hate me, but you'd be alive to feel it. Get on your knees, and thank God your not my son. Thank your mother for putting up with your self centered, self serving whining. How Dare You.   

   

Proud mom of an EDUCATED-Self Supporting- U.S. Marine.  

 
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