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Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

Number of Replies: 1900
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:18:00 am
Author : dataimport
Whether it stems from substance abuse, violence or manipulation, some family relationships are harmful and need to be terminated until the abuse stops. Are you involved in a toxic relationship?

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September 5, 2005, 4:46 pm CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute....... Work this out as
you read.. Be sure you don't read the bottom until
you've worked it out!




1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that
you would like to have chocolate. (more than once but
less than 10)









2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)









3. Add 5.









4.. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the
calculator.................









5. If you have already had your birthday this year add
1755....



If you haven't, add 1754 ......









6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were
born.







You should have a three  digit number .



The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each
week).



The next two numbers are ........




YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)



THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2005) IT WILL EVER
 

 

 

WORK, SO
 

 

SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS. 

 
September 7, 2005, 12:58 pm CDT

Thank you

Quote From: donner63

Hi, when I read your posting it broke my heart.  I am a Mom of 3 teenage daughters who chose 3.5 years ago to live with their Dad and step-mother.  The situation there is nasty, but they made such a fuss about never wanting to live with me again that I don't think their pride will let them change that.  But when I talk to them I get the same frustrations and pain as I hear in your letter.  I wish I could be there for you and give you a big hug.  You honestly don't have to go through this alone!!!  I can gaurentee you that there is someone out there who loves you!!  You sound very mature, even if you are rather angry. You talked about wanting counselling but they won't take you.  There are resources in most cities that are available to teenagers be themselves.  Like a teen help line, a local youth group or even an Al-Ateen..( A support group for kids with an alcoholic parent).  I know sometimes this is hard to do, but I think you have turned to the right place with this website!  

  You may not be in any immediate physical danger, but your emotional wellbeing is a stake!.... Find someone to talk to!!!!  I can be a caring substitute parent for you from a distance......but my goal is not to fill their role, rather to help you get healed enough that you stop taking their inadequacies out on yourself.  Under all that garbage there is a pretty good chance they love each other and you, they just honestly don't know how to handle it.  You are wise to say that this is just one side of the story, but it is your side......and even if you are not 100% innocent...because we rarely ever are....your fellings are still valid.   I want to see you strenghtened so that you can not just survive your teen years, but come out the other end a well adjusted healthy adult capable of making wise decisions.....even if your parents never get there themselves!  Please post me a reply.  I care very much and would not like for you to fall between the cracks.   Donner  

hmmm... I think I was just really upset the other night, I really don't think I have enough wrong to have this attention. I feel really guilty on this message board, i feel like like I'm hiding this from my mother, I mean, BOTH of my parents love me, I know, I wanted a cell phone, i got one, i wanted a guitar, i got it, i wanted a party, i got it. I think I just needed to blow of steam. The only thing wrong are the minor imperfections, and though it isn't good that mom drinks, Its a disease, and I do not blame her, yes, I get mad, but I know she doesnt do it to get me mad. I mean, right now, America's worst naturla disaster is happening, and Im complaining about this small stuff, it's not right, and I feel wrong being here, I do not want any one to tell me it isn;t wrong, i Kno it isnt wrong of me to be here, it  just doesnt feel right, so this will be my last reply, sorry it took so long to reply, I just saw this this morning and had to go to school.   

Counciling: I do not want it for me, I want Family Counciling, and I want my parents to attend marriage counseling, I think things would be better if they at  least attended. I thank you very much Donner for wanting to be there for me, and I appreciate you not trying to fill in time from your own daughters with me. (if that sounded bratty- it really wasn't meant to be :) ) You do not need to be worried for me, as I am more responsible than my mother at times, I can make good decisions, as I am not out getting high, having sex, or drinking. I am on the high honor roll, student council, and just about anything else you can think of. I have taken the SATs in the 7th grade, so as you can see, I am intelligent, and they don't need to be there to stay on top of me and make sure my work is getting done. Once again though, I feel I am betraying my parents by posting, so this will be my last post, I may change my mind down the road, and if I do, I will find you.. I will come back to read anything that may have been posted after this, but I will not post.. Thank you again..  

-tomcsik51  

 
September 8, 2005, 5:10 am CDT

Thanx for the sites.?

Quote From: trinket

Lorrie.. 

  

  

   Check out  Dougy.org  and Kidsaid.com... these are sites that help kids deal with the issues you mention in your post.  Pass them on too.  

 

  

If I ever meet someone who's child has Our desease, I wll pass it on. I am not quite sure this worked the way you wanted it to. Have a good one. TTFN, GB, Lorrie 

 
September 9, 2005, 2:07 am CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: tomcsik51

I do not know what else to odo, I am so sick of lies and false promises. I do not even know where to begin...I guess first of all, I am a 13 year old only child with both of my parents still together, they can barely stand eachotehr, I do not know why they bother. My dad has an anger problem, and my mom has an alcohol problem. My parents never really taught me HOW to clean, (that sounds like a lame excuse, but I don't know where anything goes in our house) My Parents constantly complain about me not doing work around here, Dad is never home, he works alot, and mom is just lazy and hippocritical. They yell for me to keep my room clean, but if a cat throws up in her room, she waits for "someone else" to clean it, and out of pride from dad, and my squimishness, it stays there for 2 weeks sometimes. They are always fighting about money, "mom spends money on beer, Dad spends money on unnecessary items" etc... I have ask mother numerous times to get us a counselor, get me appointments with doctors such as a dermatologist, dentist, orthodontist, etc... She was also supposed to sign me up for 3 sports, which I am too late for, and I've even asked to go back to church, and we will, she promises. Well, it is about 12:30 and mom came home, we got in a fight, and she told me "you both can go to hell" i confronted her and shes like "I never said that" but I heard her, and I wouldn't put it past her. I have ran away a few times, I have cut, I throw up, and after all that, I still manage to be one of the most recognized students by the faculty at my middle school. I do not know where else to turn, these are only a few of my problems. But for now- I will stick with this, and to leave you all one more note to comment on about how screwed up I am, and what a drain on society my family is, I, THE KID think my parents do not set enough boundarys, are not strict/tough enough on me, and I hate how I have lost all respect, I curse in front of my parents half the time, do not get yelled at. They don't try to teach me it is wrong. They figure just bcuz I am student council, High Honors, and National Junior Honor Society, I won't get into any trouble, but I have been cutting for a year, and throwing up for 6 months, no one has even gotten wind. I do not even remember the last time either of them sat down to talk about my life, and actually tried to get me to talk about it. I have never had the drug talk, never had the alcohol chat, and never had the sex lecture. Never--- But for some reason- after all the award winning parenting I get, mommy dearrest still has to say how terrible my friends are.  Please remember before you call social services, I am an angry teen, you are getting one side of the story, and I am not in any immediate danger. Please, help me, somebody, anybody... Thank you for listening...  

-me  

(ps. it really sux, ive been throwing up for 6 month, and Im still at least 10 pounds overweight)  

Dear donner63   

    

As an adult who has survived an alcoholic mother who laid into me with physical, mental and emotional abuse, I would advise very quickly to go and talk this out with someone.  You are not betraying them by doing this, you are caring for yourself and stopping the pattern.    

    

Hurting yourself is not the way, it's self abuse and it doesn't solve anything, it makes it worse.  Please trust me on this one.  Your anger needs to be released and not in a destructive way.  I have found writing and music to be a great release.  Writing letters of anger and saddness then deleting them is great, it gets it out and no one else gets too read them...which is generally what people fear...It is a councelling term called Write It, Rip It, Bin It...Again, please trust me, it works...I even do it when people in my every day life have pissed me off, it saves me getting angry at them...and I'm at a point where I usually have a laugh afterwards... 

    

Learning to love yourself is very important and you are at a great age to start this process.  Holding onto anger is very unhealthy.  Underneath all anger is saddness, crying helps and it's very natural and very healthy. Being with good people who love you is very important.  Learning to TRUST yourself is important especially when TRUST has been broken by parents.  They do love you, some people just don't grow emotionally and it's widespread throughout the world...Your parents have their own issues and it is very sad and unfortunate that you are wearing the brunt of this...don't take it personally, it's not your fault. (I know that is easier said than done...) Your self esteem has been bruised not broken, you have the strength to make it through this.  Reading and researching about human behaviour is also a good way to understand them a lot more.  Learning to forgive them is also very important and in time you will reach this point...it's very healthy to have this as a goal...  

    

Confronting an alcoholic is not easy, generally they don't believe they have a problem.  I know it doesn't seem right but educating yourself on the do's and don't's in life is a wise decision, you appear to have the right intellect too do this.  Be very proud of yourself for doing so well at school with all of this going on...I really admire your courage and strength.   

    

As for the cleaning...well I run my own cleaning business ...most 13 year olds don't have a clue...so don't beat yourself up over this one you're a kid and evey kid I know hasn't a clue...besides your mum really should be doing it herself or hiring someone too assist her...it would do her the world of good...good on you though for pitching in...you are a brave little soul...  

   

I do deeply empathise with you and I would love to give you a big hug...and make you smile...reading your letter is like reading a mirror of my life and all I can say is ... talk this out...read, research and release...  

   

Your doing well mate...I live in Australia and I've met a lot of kids in your position, they are doing really well now and have made it through...be kind to yourself and very gentle, even amongst all the chaos and hurt...it's very important to love yourself...  

   

Keep your chin up...  

   

Love  

   

Sugajazz  

    

 
September 9, 2005, 2:15 am CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: tomcsik51

I do not know what else to odo, I am so sick of lies and false promises. I do not even know where to begin...I guess first of all, I am a 13 year old only child with both of my parents still together, they can barely stand eachotehr, I do not know why they bother. My dad has an anger problem, and my mom has an alcohol problem. My parents never really taught me HOW to clean, (that sounds like a lame excuse, but I don't know where anything goes in our house) My Parents constantly complain about me not doing work around here, Dad is never home, he works alot, and mom is just lazy and hippocritical. They yell for me to keep my room clean, but if a cat throws up in her room, she waits for "someone else" to clean it, and out of pride from dad, and my squimishness, it stays there for 2 weeks sometimes. They are always fighting about money, "mom spends money on beer, Dad spends money on unnecessary items" etc... I have ask mother numerous times to get us a counselor, get me appointments with doctors such as a dermatologist, dentist, orthodontist, etc... She was also supposed to sign me up for 3 sports, which I am too late for, and I've even asked to go back to church, and we will, she promises. Well, it is about 12:30 and mom came home, we got in a fight, and she told me "you both can go to hell" i confronted her and shes like "I never said that" but I heard her, and I wouldn't put it past her. I have ran away a few times, I have cut, I throw up, and after all that, I still manage to be one of the most recognized students by the faculty at my middle school. I do not know where else to turn, these are only a few of my problems. But for now- I will stick with this, and to leave you all one more note to comment on about how screwed up I am, and what a drain on society my family is, I, THE KID think my parents do not set enough boundarys, are not strict/tough enough on me, and I hate how I have lost all respect, I curse in front of my parents half the time, do not get yelled at. They don't try to teach me it is wrong. They figure just bcuz I am student council, High Honors, and National Junior Honor Society, I won't get into any trouble, but I have been cutting for a year, and throwing up for 6 months, no one has even gotten wind. I do not even remember the last time either of them sat down to talk about my life, and actually tried to get me to talk about it. I have never had the drug talk, never had the alcohol chat, and never had the sex lecture. Never--- But for some reason- after all the award winning parenting I get, mommy dearrest still has to say how terrible my friends are.  Please remember before you call social services, I am an angry teen, you are getting one side of the story, and I am not in any immediate danger. Please, help me, somebody, anybody... Thank you for listening...  

-me  

(ps. it really sux, ive been throwing up for 6 month, and Im still at least 10 pounds overweight)  

hi I wrote the wrong username at the top...i addressed it too donner63 not your message name...my apologies... 

  

PS>>> I read your reply to donner63... 

  

Don't deny yourself the right to go and talk with someone...material items are good and fun and it's good they are buying you these... 

  

Sorting the emotional problems out is very important...masking them with material items only works for awhile...trust me... 

 
September 10, 2005, 9:02 am CDT

tomcsik51

Quote From: tomcsik51

hmmm... I think I was just really upset the other night, I really don't think I have enough wrong to have this attention. I feel really guilty on this message board, i feel like like I'm hiding this from my mother, I mean, BOTH of my parents love me, I know, I wanted a cell phone, i got one, i wanted a guitar, i got it, i wanted a party, i got it. I think I just needed to blow of steam. The only thing wrong are the minor imperfections, and though it isn't good that mom drinks, Its a disease, and I do not blame her, yes, I get mad, but I know she doesnt do it to get me mad. I mean, right now, America's worst naturla disaster is happening, and Im complaining about this small stuff, it's not right, and I feel wrong being here, I do not want any one to tell me it isn;t wrong, i Kno it isnt wrong of me to be here, it  just doesnt feel right, so this will be my last reply, sorry it took so long to reply, I just saw this this morning and had to go to school.   

Counciling: I do not want it for me, I want Family Counciling, and I want my parents to attend marriage counseling, I think things would be better if they at  least attended. I thank you very much Donner for wanting to be there for me, and I appreciate you not trying to fill in time from your own daughters with me. (if that sounded bratty- it really wasn't meant to be :) ) You do not need to be worried for me, as I am more responsible than my mother at times, I can make good decisions, as I am not out getting high, having sex, or drinking. I am on the high honor roll, student council, and just about anything else you can think of. I have taken the SATs in the 7th grade, so as you can see, I am intelligent, and they don't need to be there to stay on top of me and make sure my work is getting done. Once again though, I feel I am betraying my parents by posting, so this will be my last post, I may change my mind down the road, and if I do, I will find you.. I will come back to read anything that may have been posted after this, but I will not post.. Thank you again..  

-tomcsik51  

Well you may not want counciling for you but my dear you certainly should consider it as an option. 

At 13yrs of age believe it or not, you just don't know everything. If you have been throwing up for 6 mos. it's time to go talk to someone just about that. Continue on that path and your tooth enamel and gums not to mention your throat and body start showing adverse effects. .....the good thing about YOU going to counseling is to make things better it starts with you.  

  

Even though you get material things and are an honor roll student there are other issues in your life that need to be addressed. This is YOUR life and you want to make it better and be the best for you all the way around.  Familiy Counseling sounds good too. A good place to start is with just talking to your school counselor for a referral. If you aren't comfortable doing that go to your local church or youth organization. 

  

I think it's a good thing posting and not at all a betrayal to your parents. Sure they do great things for you and love you but everybody needs help sometime in life. Right now I think it's you even if it's just to discuss your feelings about things and don't forget that throwing up issue. That should be addressed and soon. 

  

  

  

  

 
September 11, 2005, 9:32 pm CDT

To Lissbaby

Quote From: lissbaby

Okay, I'll start by saying that I am 24 and I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years now.  I live at home with my parents and have been attending a local college since graaduating high school.   

  

My parents are super controlling and over protective and I don't know what to do about it!  They are so controlling that they never taught me how to drive, my boyfriend did when I was 21 years old, and I just got my first car in March of 2005.  My parents have a very strict curfew of midnight, not a minute late.   

  

My boyfriend lives an hour away from me and for 4 years he has done all of the driving in our relationship.  He got a new car in Oct of 2001 that already have 98,000 miles on it, just from driving to see me on weekends only.  My parents will not let me drive my car anywhere except to college (a 15 minute drive) and to the mall, and I must have the cell phone on me at all times because they are so scared something is going to happen to me.   

  

Recently my boyfriends car has broke down, so this weekend I was suppose to drive an hour to where he lives so that we can see each other.  However, my parents won't let me drive there because I'm "Not experienced enough and might get killed," therefore we can't see each other which jepordizes our relationship.  I am tired of it and don't know how to change things! 

  

When I ask about why I have a curfew of midnight I am told "its more for the respect of others in the house" when really I know that's not the case!  They are so scared and paranoid I am going to do something they don't approve of.   

  

Any comments would be appreciated!   

There are a couple of things going on. 

  

First - You are an adult period.  However they don't want to recognize that, and can you afford to live on your own or go to a different school. 

  

I have watched Doc Phils shows about this and it's about them not you - they still want to be the focal point of your life - with you dependent on them!!!  There was another talk show about two years ago where they had the mother and daughter on to try and mend the relationship - the counsler finally got to the heart of the matter when it was brought out that the mother didn't want to recognize the fact that her daughter was an adult and entitled to make her own decisions. 

  

In everything that you said - you do sound responsible - are you sure that you can't find a job and earn your own money and a place of your own????? 

  

  

 
September 12, 2005, 8:31 pm CDT

Loveless

I would like to start out by saying I'm 29 years old and I'm looking for some advice on how to handle my family.  My parents have told me that they never wanted me and that I'm a total disgrace to them.  They kicked me out when I was 13, so I lived on the streets of a big city.  I turned to drugs to help me with my fears and now I'm clean.  They have wiped all my feelings, and emotions away from me.  I go through this life everyday wondering what I did.  My mom has ruined my life by telling my friends that I'm a slut, opening credit cards in my name, calling social services on me because my daughter fell off the slide.  My problem is that I am so afraid to touch anyone.  I can't hug, hold hands, or look people in the eye, but I have the biggest heart.  I make sure everyone around me is okay and doing well, but I'm dying inside and I don't want them to see it.  I had to take psych classes just to try to figure me out.  I want to ability to hug someone or receive a hug from someone without crying or having an anxiety attack.  I want someone to explain to me how to love someone and feel love.  I can't handle the pain of keeping this inside anymore.  I still talk to my parents, but they just abuse me.  My dad does whatever he feels like to me, and my mom is always calling me a Bitch.  I recently started to cut myself to release pain, that's when I realized I had to talk to someone.  I figured this is the best way.  I'm afraid of most people, won't give anyone the chance to get close to me or touch me because I'm afraid of touch altogether.  Please, some advice on this matter.  I don't want to live my life like this anymore.    

 
September 13, 2005, 5:42 am CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: ru1096_2

I would like to start out by saying I'm 29 years old and I'm looking for some advice on how to handle my family.  My parents have told me that they never wanted me and that I'm a total disgrace to them.  They kicked me out when I was 13, so I lived on the streets of a big city.  I turned to drugs to help me with my fears and now I'm clean.  They have wiped all my feelings, and emotions away from me.  I go through this life everyday wondering what I did.  My mom has ruined my life by telling my friends that I'm a slut, opening credit cards in my name, calling social services on me because my daughter fell off the slide.  My problem is that I am so afraid to touch anyone.  I can't hug, hold hands, or look people in the eye, but I have the biggest heart.  I make sure everyone around me is okay and doing well, but I'm dying inside and I don't want them to see it.  I had to take psych classes just to try to figure me out.  I want to ability to hug someone or receive a hug from someone without crying or having an anxiety attack.  I want someone to explain to me how to love someone and feel love.  I can't handle the pain of keeping this inside anymore.  I still talk to my parents, but they just abuse me.  My dad does whatever he feels like to me, and my mom is always calling me a Bitch.  I recently started to cut myself to release pain, that's when I realized I had to talk to someone.  I figured this is the best way.  I'm afraid of most people, won't give anyone the chance to get close to me or touch me because I'm afraid of touch altogether.  Please, some advice on this matter.  I don't want to live my life like this anymore.    

 Hi, after reading your post I had to reply. Wow, I can not believe you still have contact with your parents. Your daughter is witnessing the abuse you receive, she will think that is normal...Well it is NOT normal. Some people think physical abuse is the worst, well from experences with physical, verbal and emotional abuse (I survived all and now I have healthier relationships) I found the verbal and emotional the worst, coz, like Dr Phil says " the tapes keep running for a long time when we give them the chance". You REALLY need to love yourself, show yourself how important YOU and your daughter are...Kick them to the curb. We can not pick our family, but we sure as h*ll DON"T have to put up with this sort of behavior. Have you ever gone to counseling, or a clergy (church)? As far as your response to physical affection, start with your daughter, then if you have friends ( male or female) that you TRUST explain to them what it is you need, if they care about you they will help, if not...Their loss!!! You DO matter, you were put here for a reason, and it is NOT to be abused. I don't know if this is what you were looking for here, I hope it clears your mind so you can focus on what is REALLY important...YOU & DAUGHTER. Please keep me posted, I am praying for you. PS God loves you, always.
 
September 13, 2005, 10:29 am CDT

very sad

Quote From: ru1096_2

I would like to start out by saying I'm 29 years old and I'm looking for some advice on how to handle my family.  My parents have told me that they never wanted me and that I'm a total disgrace to them.  They kicked me out when I was 13, so I lived on the streets of a big city.  I turned to drugs to help me with my fears and now I'm clean.  They have wiped all my feelings, and emotions away from me.  I go through this life everyday wondering what I did.  My mom has ruined my life by telling my friends that I'm a slut, opening credit cards in my name, calling social services on me because my daughter fell off the slide.  My problem is that I am so afraid to touch anyone.  I can't hug, hold hands, or look people in the eye, but I have the biggest heart.  I make sure everyone around me is okay and doing well, but I'm dying inside and I don't want them to see it.  I had to take psych classes just to try to figure me out.  I want to ability to hug someone or receive a hug from someone without crying or having an anxiety attack.  I want someone to explain to me how to love someone and feel love.  I can't handle the pain of keeping this inside anymore.  I still talk to my parents, but they just abuse me.  My dad does whatever he feels like to me, and my mom is always calling me a Bitch.  I recently started to cut myself to release pain, that's when I realized I had to talk to someone.  I figured this is the best way.  I'm afraid of most people, won't give anyone the chance to get close to me or touch me because I'm afraid of touch altogether.  Please, some advice on this matter.  I don't want to live my life like this anymore.    

I hope this message brings you in good spirits. You need to focus on "you and your daughter" for now. You cannot change your parents or their mistakes they have made towards you when you were growing up, but you CAN change how you react to them as of today. You do not need them in your life "yet", you have been on your own since "13". You are now a mother. Love your child like you wished to be loved. Show her what love is and you will find it "within yourself". I would press charges on your mother for using your name for credit cards and possibly "ruining" your credit before you even get it started. Dont let your parents control your emotions inside by causing you to cut yourself. You are in control of yourself now. Let them go. Stay away until you are doing better "physically, emotionally, mentally and stabelly". I can relate to the cutting. You dont want to have scars to remind you of what you have been through, dont do that to yourself no more. HOld your child each night, play with her, love her, and SHE will show you what love is. Your parents failed parenthood. You learned from their failure. Show your child what you have always wanted. "LOVE" and God will reward you in many ways that you have never dreamed of. NOt all people are toxic like your parents are. You will find a mate one day who would love you as well as your child. Dont give up hope. Keep your feet in the ground and keep reaching for the stars! You will overcome this anxiety. Pull yourself together, be the best you can be, and enjoy life with your child until God sends someone your way. Take care and keep in touch.
 
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