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Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

Number of Replies: 1900
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:18:00 am
Author : dataimport
Whether it stems from substance abuse, violence or manipulation, some family relationships are harmful and need to be terminated until the abuse stops. Are you involved in a toxic relationship?

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September 14, 2005, 8:03 pm CDT

lorrieannd

Quote From: lorrieannd

 Hi, after reading your post I had to reply. Wow, I can not believe you still have contact with your parents. Your daughter is witnessing the abuse you receive, she will think that is normal...Well it is NOT normal. Some people think physical abuse is the worst, well from experences with physical, verbal and emotional abuse (I survived all and now I have healthier relationships) I found the verbal and emotional the worst, coz, like Dr Phil says " the tapes keep running for a long time when we give them the chance". You REALLY need to love yourself, show yourself how important YOU and your daughter are...Kick them to the curb. We can not pick our family, but we sure as h*ll DON"T have to put up with this sort of behavior. Have you ever gone to counseling, or a clergy (church)? As far as your response to physical affection, start with your daughter, then if you have friends ( male or female) that you TRUST explain to them what it is you need, if they care about you they will help, if not...Their loss!!! You DO matter, you were put here for a reason, and it is NOT to be abused. I don't know if this is what you were looking for here, I hope it clears your mind so you can focus on what is REALLY important...YOU & DAUGHTER. Please keep me posted, I am praying for you. PS God loves you, always.
Thanks for the advice.  I do go to church, but i sit in silence and think to myself.  My daughter is older than you think, she is 15.  I had her when I was 14, as a result of living on the streets.  I raised her well, but she is currently in a private school in another county than myself.  We have a great relationship, and she understands its been hard for me.  She gives me advice all the time about love and hugs.  I do hug her and cry everytime, but she is slowly teaching me that.  I don't talk to anyone about these events except my daughter.  I don't trust a single hand that comes near me.  I have anxiety attacks at work when I have to shake someone's hand or sit rather close to them.  This is how I lived my life since getting kicked out.  I watch Dr. Phil daily hoping that someday someone like me will be on his show and I can learn more, because I don't even know what my problem would be called.  Thanks again, it was nice to talk. 
 
September 15, 2005, 6:26 pm CDT

16 year old daughter in a bad relationship

 Our 16 year old daughter started seeing this boy "Dave " last year in school. After meeting him and giving hima chance , he has shown disrespect to me and my husband. Dave yelled at my husband , argued with us about "Missy" being grounded. Told us we are not fair to her . We also found out that they were planning on running away last year. 

   We were letting "Missy" see "Dave" , we let them go out to the movies , or just hang-out.Now we have restricted their time to school only.  

     How do we get it through to her that this isn't a real relationship? She is hurting herself and when she is seeing him she becomes grouchy and moody . No one understand why she is doing this. 

 
September 16, 2005, 11:25 am CDT

16-year old..............

Quote From: lisa_p_70

 Our 16 year old daughter started seeing this boy "Dave " last year in school. After meeting him and giving hima chance , he has shown disrespect to me and my husband. Dave yelled at my husband , argued with us about "Missy" being grounded. Told us we are not fair to her . We also found out that they were planning on running away last year. 

   We were letting "Missy" see "Dave" , we let them go out to the movies , or just hang-out.Now we have restricted their time to school only.  

     How do we get it through to her that this isn't a real relationship? She is hurting herself and when she is seeing him she becomes grouchy and moody . No one understand why she is doing this. 

Your decision to limit their time together is the right one, don't let her or anyone else talk you out of that decision. From what you explain in your post, it sounds like you did all the right things, by allowing them to go to the movies or just hang out at your home, etc. Those activities are privledges that respectful, responsible teens should get. But  when mom or dad makes the rules- such as your daughter being grounded- there is NO place for the boyfriend to be yelling at your husband! What you say is what you mean.  

It sounds like this boy is bad news!! I know that you must be thinking, 'why is my daughter choosing a boy like this?' etc... I know that I would feel the same way. Is this her first 'real' boyfriend? There are a few reasons why she might stay in this relationship even though it has caused problems in her family and makes her grouchy. One reason might be that she has low self esteem, if she doesn't think she can 'do better' then this guy, then she is thinking that this is as good as it will ever get for her and she should be glad she even has a boyfriend. Unfortunatley, this is the way too many young girls in our society think! Their rational is that a bad boyfriend is better then no boyfriend, but nothing could be further from the truth. Another reason she might be staying in the relationship is because he might be threatening her, he might be saying things like, 'if you break up with me, I would kill myself' or other people. That is a manipulation that abusive people use to keep people around, make them too afraid to leave.  

I encourage you to stay strong with your rules. Even though kids don't like the rules now, they will be glad they had them later on in life. I know I did. I know it hurts to see your daughter choosing this crappy relationship; you want to see her happy. But she doesn' t think that she deserves to be happy. I urge you to seek a family councelor or a councelor that specializes in teens. If you do, you will never regret it, because this will help guide your daughter to make better choices not just for now, but for the rest of her life. Us moms can give good advice until we are blue in the face, but when our kids hear the same stuff from a councelor/professional, often times they will listen to them. Its really important that you not waste another day, that you do this soon. It sounds like she doesn't think she is worthy of a better relationship. I wish you the best! 

 
September 16, 2005, 8:19 pm CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: jenoc99

Your decision to limit their time together is the right one, don't let her or anyone else talk you out of that decision. From what you explain in your post, it sounds like you did all the right things, by allowing them to go to the movies or just hang out at your home, etc. Those activities are privledges that respectful, responsible teens should get. But  when mom or dad makes the rules- such as your daughter being grounded- there is NO place for the boyfriend to be yelling at your husband! What you say is what you mean.  

It sounds like this boy is bad news!! I know that you must be thinking, 'why is my daughter choosing a boy like this?' etc... I know that I would feel the same way. Is this her first 'real' boyfriend? There are a few reasons why she might stay in this relationship even though it has caused problems in her family and makes her grouchy. One reason might be that she has low self esteem, if she doesn't think she can 'do better' then this guy, then she is thinking that this is as good as it will ever get for her and she should be glad she even has a boyfriend. Unfortunatley, this is the way too many young girls in our society think! Their rational is that a bad boyfriend is better then no boyfriend, but nothing could be further from the truth. Another reason she might be staying in the relationship is because he might be threatening her, he might be saying things like, 'if you break up with me, I would kill myself' or other people. That is a manipulation that abusive people use to keep people around, make them too afraid to leave.  

I encourage you to stay strong with your rules. Even though kids don't like the rules now, they will be glad they had them later on in life. I know I did. I know it hurts to see your daughter choosing this crappy relationship; you want to see her happy. But she doesn' t think that she deserves to be happy. I urge you to seek a family councelor or a councelor that specializes in teens. If you do, you will never regret it, because this will help guide your daughter to make better choices not just for now, but for the rest of her life. Us moms can give good advice until we are blue in the face, but when our kids hear the same stuff from a councelor/professional, often times they will listen to them. Its really important that you not waste another day, that you do this soon. It sounds like she doesn't think she is worthy of a better relationship. I wish you the best! 

Thank you ! We do have "Missy" in counseling and she has been for about 6 months . She has a counseling session next Saturday! Her counseler is aware of the situation and plans on discussing this with her. We went to our youth pastor and he says it is basically a phase! I couldn't believe that he would say such a thing. We truly do love "Missy" and only want what is best for her. Her father was abusive both mentally and physically to me. But, I found the strenghth to get out 6 years ago. Her step-dad is totally opposite , he couldn't be a more loving,caring, giving man to my children. I told her I would see the signs long before she or anyone else would. I Pray she will understand soon. I am truly scared for her. Thanks again.... I feel better about the decisions we have made.            Lisa
 
September 17, 2005, 2:53 pm CDT

I've Got To Get Out!!!!!!!!

I don't understand What is going on in my home.  My Kids and my husband do nothing but put me down, call me names, one of my sons, pushed me down the stairs.  I have huge holes in my walls of my home.  No one in this house respects, "Mom".  I donot tolerate violence in my house, but when I bring this up to my husband,  his response is, Kids will be kids!!!!!! What the H***?????  I have tried to disipline them by taking away priviledges, but nothing works.  This house is a War Zone and I, the Mom, am the Target!!!!!  The kids have skipped school, gotten in trouble with the law, and other things I could go into but won't.  What is a mother to do?????  I feel as if I have No Reinforcements!!!!!  These kids are old enough to drive and have a job, but refuse to do so.  I work fulltime, keep the house, pay the bills, and everyone else sits on their A**.  I cannot take this anymore........................
 
September 17, 2005, 10:55 pm CDT

Lisa

Quote From: lisa_p_70

 Our 16 year old daughter started seeing this boy "Dave " last year in school. After meeting him and giving hima chance , he has shown disrespect to me and my husband. Dave yelled at my husband , argued with us about "Missy" being grounded. Told us we are not fair to her . We also found out that they were planning on running away last year. 

   We were letting "Missy" see "Dave" , we let them go out to the movies , or just hang-out.Now we have restricted their time to school only.  

     How do we get it through to her that this isn't a real relationship? She is hurting herself and when she is seeing him she becomes grouchy and moody . No one understand why she is doing this. 

I agree with everything Jenoc said.  This 'punk' thinks he's hot stuff, and your daughter probably like it.  Some girls at that age like boys who think they know it.   

  

Now why in the world are you and your husband letting this punk yell at you and tell you how to bring up your daughter.  Your supposed to be the adults and not be bullied by this kid.  The more you let this punk push you two around - he is scoring points in your daughters eyes!!!  Call this kids parents and let them know whats going on and that you have had it with him. 

  

When you two stand up to him, your daughter will at first scream and yell, but as Phil says - she has to have a 'soft place to fall'. 

  

Jenoc is right - she has no self esteem and I'll bet she's starving for attention and affection. 

  

  

 
September 18, 2005, 7:45 am CDT

Madam

Quote From: inbetween

I don't understand What is going on in my home.  My Kids and my husband do nothing but put me down, call me names, one of my sons, pushed me down the stairs.  I have huge holes in my walls of my home.  No one in this house respects, "Mom".  I donot tolerate violence in my house, but when I bring this up to my husband,  his response is, Kids will be kids!!!!!! What the H***?????  I have tried to disipline them by taking away priviledges, but nothing works.  This house is a War Zone and I, the Mom, am the Target!!!!!  The kids have skipped school, gotten in trouble with the law, and other things I could go into but won't.  What is a mother to do?????  I feel as if I have No Reinforcements!!!!!  These kids are old enough to drive and have a job, but refuse to do so.  I work fulltime, keep the house, pay the bills, and everyone else sits on their A**.  I cannot take this anymore........................
You have said a mouthful - just read what you wrote.  Run don't walk to the nearest counsler and get all the help that you can.  There is a possibility that this family can be saved, but with your husbands responce - he doesn't want to have any responsibility.  Start being good to yourself or your going to wake up one morning on Empty.  Are you trying to deny what's going on.
 
September 18, 2005, 11:32 am CDT

No Denial*****Apparently "I" am the Problem

Quote From: renagade

You have said a mouthful - just read what you wrote.  Run don't walk to the nearest counsler and get all the help that you can.  There is a possibility that this family can be saved, but with your husbands responce - he doesn't want to have any responsibility.  Start being good to yourself or your going to wake up one morning on Empty.  Are you trying to deny what's going on.
Nobody wants to face the problem.....They all tell me that "I" am the problem.  All I want is "Peace", I have seen a counsler myself, and was told that they have the problem, not me.  I have tried to have family meetings to discuss these problems with anger that they display and it ends up being "All my fault".  My husband sides with the kids!!!!  What can I do??????  I feel like the outsider in my own home.  All I get is I am a Wh***, B****, and C*** from my husband on down to my kids.  No one shows any respect.  I don't approve of my husband or kids talking this way.  I feel my hands are tied!!!!  I am leaving Monday,  Just can't Take Anymore of this.......   Everything is falling apart.  I am the one who is trying to get them to see that everyone should respect each other.   No One Will Listen!!!!!  I can't make them acknowledge the problem if they all think it is me.
 
September 18, 2005, 1:41 pm CDT

Madam

Quote From: inbetween

Nobody wants to face the problem.....They all tell me that "I" am the problem.  All I want is "Peace", I have seen a counsler myself, and was told that they have the problem, not me.  I have tried to have family meetings to discuss these problems with anger that they display and it ends up being "All my fault".  My husband sides with the kids!!!!  What can I do??????  I feel like the outsider in my own home.  All I get is I am a Wh***, B****, and C*** from my husband on down to my kids.  No one shows any respect.  I don't approve of my husband or kids talking this way.  I feel my hands are tied!!!!  I am leaving Monday,  Just can't Take Anymore of this.......   Everything is falling apart.  I am the one who is trying to get them to see that everyone should respect each other.   No One Will Listen!!!!!  I can't make them acknowledge the problem if they all think it is me.

I meant that you arenot the problem - they are.  When I said see a counsler, what I meant was that you need help in what your going thru, you need to vent, you need support, you need someone on your side. 

  

Please don't take this the wrong way.  When you say 'all I want is Peace - this is what my mom used to say - and I finally realized that she was the type of person who couldn't handle, loud voices and what some people call getting it on or having a 'rousting time'.  What you are being subjected to is mental, and spiritual abuse.  You do not deserve it.  If you have any lifelines - use all that you have. 

  

Take Care and Keep Yourself Safe. 

 
September 18, 2005, 3:35 pm CDT

Thanks Renagade

Quote From: renagade

I meant that you arenot the problem - they are.  When I said see a counsler, what I meant was that you need help in what your going thru, you need to vent, you need support, you need someone on your side. 

  

Please don't take this the wrong way.  When you say 'all I want is Peace - this is what my mom used to say - and I finally realized that she was the type of person who couldn't handle, loud voices and what some people call getting it on or having a 'rousting time'.  What you are being subjected to is mental, and spiritual abuse.  You do not deserve it.  If you have any lifelines - use all that you have. 

  

Take Care and Keep Yourself Safe. 

I know you didn't mean it that way!!!!  I am just frustrated and tired of trying to get thru to them.  It is not the noise that bothers me, it is the disrespect they show towards me and others.  Surely this is not the way I wish them to face the world outside.  I feel as if I am on Page 50 and they are on Page 1 of the ethics and maturity books.  And my husband is the same way.  I need to get away and gain some strength, so I am doing just that.  I was not raised this way nor do I plan to put up with it.  I do not want violence and foul language used in my home.  So I am going to seek out some help.  Thank you for your response, I appreciate it very much, I just sometimes feel like I am beating my head against the wall with this.  And unfortunately, my husband is Zero help........
 
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