Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

My sisters kids are the same way. (they used to be anyway). Holes in walls, wont clean, wont work, cussing at her, fighting each other. It is a mess. They finally moved out. If it were me, I would only do for myself. I would let the kids and hubby too, cook for themselves, wash their own clothes, and if they have no money for gas, oh well, they need to get a job. I would look out for me since nonone else is. Save your money and go on a vacation by yourself for awhile. Enjoy life without them and relax. When they see mom is gone and they cant go, and they have to fend for themselves, they may wake up and realize what all you have done to help them. I knew of couple who had kids like these, and they moved out of their home into their camper in their back yard and let the kids stay in the home to fend for themselves. (of course these kids were like 17 and 18 y/o.) You donot deserve this type of treatment from anyone. Your husband should not allow the kids to treat you this way, he should step up to the plate. Maybe once they see you are gone, then your hubby will be treated this way by them and then he will see how you felt. I wouldnt leave forever, but just for a little while and see what they do. Be strong, you are a human and deserve to be treated like one. Take care!

Your welcome.  Is the email listed yours?

Yes, and you are welcome to email me!!!

 She has been through some tough stuff.  

 She knows we love her , she gets affection and attention from everyone in the family. I understand that what he is showing here is a different kind of attention and affection. Yes, I have told him off and told him he is very disrepectful!  Right now , I'm thinking about home schooling her so she won't have the time or the chance to communicate with him.  

   We are very upset! 

  We will always be her soft place to fall 

That she does not like herself and may not know how to communicate this and she may also be going thru something that even she doesn't understand.  Is the family 'staid' and this kid robust, does she have a different personality from your other kids or her parents.  Don't cut her off from the outside - but Tie into her and her feelings.  Once you break thru - she'll see this kid for what he is.

I have read a few messages on this board from grandparents who feel they are wrongly being kept from seeing their grandchildren.  I agree that this situation is tragic and that children do need their grandparents.  However, what I don't agree with is all the head scratching that's going on:  the seeming total lack of understanding as to why this has happened.  The fault is just never 100% on one side. 

  

I know because I have been in this situation for years.  I am not a grandmother but a mother dealing with inlaws who never liked or accepted me into their family from the getgo.  I dutifully put up with the snubs, the lack of support and the snide remarks for 13 years, then one day things just went too far.  I drew my line in the sand and I have never looked back.  No one with self esteem can allow others to treat them like a doormat forever.  So my relationship with my inlaws ended and sadly, for almost three years, so did my kids relationship with them.   

  

So for the grandparents who have been cut off from seeing their grandchildren, maybe ask yourselves this question:  what's more important:  your pride (ie:  being "right") or seeing your grandchildren?  Be accountable for what you do and acknowledge the TRUE role you yourself might have played in this situation.  Then just stop carping about how unjust it all is and for the sake of those wonderful kids, mend fences.  Just do it.  After all, you're an adult, right?  You may never be best friends with some family members, but you can be polite and civil for the sake of the kids. 

  

I know this will be unpopular with some of you but that's the way I see it. 

  

Sincerely, 

SB 

  I grew up in a dairy farming family consisting of a dad, mom, two brothers, and one sister.  My sister is my mothers favorite child and can do no wrong.  She married a guy who makes a lot of money and is viewed as smart and successful.  They had three kids who are all disrespectful and think they can have whatever they want.  I married a school teacher and have three kids of my own.  Things were going fairly well with my family until my sister decided to start bashing my wife and saying how we are terrible parents and are way "too strict" with our kids.  She refers to us as "the idiots" when we aren't there.  Needless to say, we don't go to my parents house much anymore for family gatherings because it has become a bash on us fest when we leave.  The reason I know this is because my younger brother tells me what is said when I'm gone.  Many of the things are lies or manipulations of the truth to make us look bad.  I recently confronted my family about the lies and I want them to stop or we won't come over anymore.  My family (with the exception of my younger brother) says I'm way over reacting and jealous of my sister and her family because they have a "better life" than I do.  Somehow, my wife got blamed for driving the family apart and it being a part of her "master plan".  She is now refered to as the "stupid bitch" that ruined the family.  I haven't had any contact with anyone in my family (except younger brother) in 6 months.  My kids (age 6.5, 5, and 3) want to know if we are ever going to my parents again and if they are going to see their cousins anymore?  What do I do???

Are you sure your younger brother isn't stirring things for some reason?  The recent reaction of your family - that you are jealous - suggests to me that things aren't entirely the way he describes them.   

  

I'd speak to your parents, your brother and your sister individually.  Each of them needs to be told that your wife is not responsible for the arguments between you.  Say as far as you are concerned the root cause of the situation is that you and your sister have not respected each other's choice of parenting styles.  (You are not the biggest fan of her children are you?)   Then say you'd like to improve things and start working towards normality again.  Therefore parenting is off the agenda for future discussions as far as you are concerned.  Finish up with an invitation to some sort of family activity that everyone can join in with and that can be the focus of discussion eg bowling,  

  

Hopefully you will get somewhere and if you don't you've got the moral high ground.  

Hi Tammy   I completely understand-sounds as if we had same father.  Mine was also  very abusive both physically, & verbally to my mom, sister and myself.  My sister and I both had 

abusive marriages the first time around-in what I believe when you accept something is normal 

you don't feel you deserve better.  My daughter is also bi-polar and has been hospitalized with 

a sucide attempt.  She also used to be a cutter/has stopped.  She seems to being doing much 

better with the meds she takes.  She had been molested/almost raped on 3 occasions and now 

questions her sexuality-does not want anything to do with a man. 

  

I can only support her decision since I feel life is too short to be unhappy/she must live with all 

her own personal choices.   I absolutely agree that you MUST prosecute your X for what he has 

done to your daughter-with the hope she will someday find peace with herself.  mom in agreement 

My mother also always favored my sister over me, to the point that she now favors my sister's kids over mine. My sister even sees this, and agrees with me. Have you ever talked to your sister about this? If she agrees with you about this, it may be possible for the two of you to present a united front, and confront your mother. Only if this is something that you feel needs to be resolved. If you are content with the situation as it stands, leave it alone. Only bring family members into it if you feel something needs to be resolved, or if they ask. My kids and my sister's were very much aware of the favoritism, so my sister and I did confront our mother. The favoritism is still present, but she now makes more of an effort to include my children more often.