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Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

Number of Replies: 1900
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:18:00 am
Author : dataimport
Whether it stems from substance abuse, violence or manipulation, some family relationships are harmful and need to be terminated until the abuse stops. Are you involved in a toxic relationship?

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September 18, 2005, 6:12 pm CDT

Bad situation

Quote From: inbetween

I don't understand What is going on in my home.  My Kids and my husband do nothing but put me down, call me names, one of my sons, pushed me down the stairs.  I have huge holes in my walls of my home.  No one in this house respects, "Mom".  I donot tolerate violence in my house, but when I bring this up to my husband,  his response is, Kids will be kids!!!!!! What the H***?????  I have tried to disipline them by taking away priviledges, but nothing works.  This house is a War Zone and I, the Mom, am the Target!!!!!  The kids have skipped school, gotten in trouble with the law, and other things I could go into but won't.  What is a mother to do?????  I feel as if I have No Reinforcements!!!!!  These kids are old enough to drive and have a job, but refuse to do so.  I work fulltime, keep the house, pay the bills, and everyone else sits on their A**.  I cannot take this anymore........................
My sisters kids are the same way. (they used to be anyway). Holes in walls, wont clean, wont work, cussing at her, fighting each other. It is a mess. They finally moved out. If it were me, I would only do for myself. I would let the kids and hubby too, cook for themselves, wash their own clothes, and if they have no money for gas, oh well, they need to get a job. I would look out for me since nonone else is. Save your money and go on a vacation by yourself for awhile. Enjoy life without them and relax. When they see mom is gone and they cant go, and they have to fend for themselves, they may wake up and realize what all you have done to help them. I knew of couple who had kids like these, and they moved out of their home into their camper in their back yard and let the kids stay in the home to fend for themselves. (of course these kids were like 17 and 18 y/o.) You donot deserve this type of treatment from anyone. Your husband should not allow the kids to treat you this way, he should step up to the plate. Maybe once they see you are gone, then your hubby will be treated this way by them and then he will see how you felt. I wouldnt leave forever, but just for a little while and see what they do. Be strong, you are a human and deserve to be treated like one. Take care!
 
September 18, 2005, 9:57 pm CDT

Mam

Quote From: inbetween

I know you didn't mean it that way!!!!  I am just frustrated and tired of trying to get thru to them.  It is not the noise that bothers me, it is the disrespect they show towards me and others.  Surely this is not the way I wish them to face the world outside.  I feel as if I am on Page 50 and they are on Page 1 of the ethics and maturity books.  And my husband is the same way.  I need to get away and gain some strength, so I am doing just that.  I was not raised this way nor do I plan to put up with it.  I do not want violence and foul language used in my home.  So I am going to seek out some help.  Thank you for your response, I appreciate it very much, I just sometimes feel like I am beating my head against the wall with this.  And unfortunately, my husband is Zero help........
Your welcome.  Is the email listed yours?
 
September 19, 2005, 9:19 am CDT

To Renagade

Quote From: renagade

Your welcome.  Is the email listed yours?
Yes, and you are welcome to email me!!!
 
September 21, 2005, 7:11 pm CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: renagade

I agree with everything Jenoc said.  This 'punk' thinks he's hot stuff, and your daughter probably like it.  Some girls at that age like boys who think they know it.   

  

Now why in the world are you and your husband letting this punk yell at you and tell you how to bring up your daughter.  Your supposed to be the adults and not be bullied by this kid.  The more you let this punk push you two around - he is scoring points in your daughters eyes!!!  Call this kids parents and let them know whats going on and that you have had it with him. 

  

When you two stand up to him, your daughter will at first scream and yell, but as Phil says - she has to have a 'soft place to fall'. 

  

Jenoc is right - she has no self esteem and I'll bet she's starving for attention and affection. 

  

  

 She has been through some tough stuff.  

 She knows we love her , she gets affection and attention from everyone in the family. I understand that what he is showing here is a different kind of attention and affection. Yes, I have told him off and told him he is very disrepectful!  Right now , I'm thinking about home schooling her so she won't have the time or the chance to communicate with him.  

   We are very upset! 

  We will always be her soft place to fall 

 
September 21, 2005, 9:44 pm CDT

I have a feeling then

Quote From: lisa_p_70

 She has been through some tough stuff.  

 She knows we love her , she gets affection and attention from everyone in the family. I understand that what he is showing here is a different kind of attention and affection. Yes, I have told him off and told him he is very disrepectful!  Right now , I'm thinking about home schooling her so she won't have the time or the chance to communicate with him.  

   We are very upset! 

  We will always be her soft place to fall 

That she does not like herself and may not know how to communicate this and she may also be going thru something that even she doesn't understand.  Is the family 'staid' and this kid robust, does she have a different personality from your other kids or her parents.  Don't cut her off from the outside - but Tie into her and her feelings.  Once you break thru - she'll see this kid for what he is.
 
September 27, 2005, 7:14 pm CDT

Something for Grandparents to think about...

I have read a few messages on this board from grandparents who feel they are wrongly being kept from seeing their grandchildren.  I agree that this situation is tragic and that children do need their grandparents.  However, what I don't agree with is all the head scratching that's going on:  the seeming total lack of understanding as to why this has happened.  The fault is just never 100% on one side. 

  

I know because I have been in this situation for years.  I am not a grandmother but a mother dealing with inlaws who never liked or accepted me into their family from the getgo.  I dutifully put up with the snubs, the lack of support and the snide remarks for 13 years, then one day things just went too far.  I drew my line in the sand and I have never looked back.  No one with self esteem can allow others to treat them like a doormat forever.  So my relationship with my inlaws ended and sadly, for almost three years, so did my kids relationship with them.   

  

So for the grandparents who have been cut off from seeing their grandchildren, maybe ask yourselves this question:  what's more important:  your pride (ie:  being "right") or seeing your grandchildren?  Be accountable for what you do and acknowledge the TRUE role you yourself might have played in this situation.  Then just stop carping about how unjust it all is and for the sake of those wonderful kids, mend fences.  Just do it.  After all, you're an adult, right?  You may never be best friends with some family members, but you can be polite and civil for the sake of the kids. 

  

I know this will be unpopular with some of you but that's the way I see it. 

  

Sincerely, 

SB 

 
September 28, 2005, 8:06 am CDT

Where to go from here

  I grew up in a dairy farming family consisting of a dad, mom, two brothers, and one sister.  My sister is my mothers favorite child and can do no wrong.  She married a guy who makes a lot of money and is viewed as smart and successful.  They had three kids who are all disrespectful and think they can have whatever they want.  I married a school teacher and have three kids of my own.  Things were going fairly well with my family until my sister decided to start bashing my wife and saying how we are terrible parents and are way "too strict" with our kids.  She refers to us as "the idiots" when we aren't there.  Needless to say, we don't go to my parents house much anymore for family gatherings because it has become a bash on us fest when we leave.  The reason I know this is because my younger brother tells me what is said when I'm gone.  Many of the things are lies or manipulations of the truth to make us look bad.  I recently confronted my family about the lies and I want them to stop or we won't come over anymore.  My family (with the exception of my younger brother) says I'm way over reacting and jealous of my sister and her family because they have a "better life" than I do.  Somehow, my wife got blamed for driving the family apart and it being a part of her "master plan".  She is now refered to as the "stupid bitch" that ruined the family.  I haven't had any contact with anyone in my family (except younger brother) in 6 months.  My kids (age 6.5, 5, and 3) want to know if we are ever going to my parents again and if they are going to see their cousins anymore?  What do I do???
 
September 28, 2005, 10:58 am CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: milwaukee4

  I grew up in a dairy farming family consisting of a dad, mom, two brothers, and one sister.  My sister is my mothers favorite child and can do no wrong.  She married a guy who makes a lot of money and is viewed as smart and successful.  They had three kids who are all disrespectful and think they can have whatever they want.  I married a school teacher and have three kids of my own.  Things were going fairly well with my family until my sister decided to start bashing my wife and saying how we are terrible parents and are way "too strict" with our kids.  She refers to us as "the idiots" when we aren't there.  Needless to say, we don't go to my parents house much anymore for family gatherings because it has become a bash on us fest when we leave.  The reason I know this is because my younger brother tells me what is said when I'm gone.  Many of the things are lies or manipulations of the truth to make us look bad.  I recently confronted my family about the lies and I want them to stop or we won't come over anymore.  My family (with the exception of my younger brother) says I'm way over reacting and jealous of my sister and her family because they have a "better life" than I do.  Somehow, my wife got blamed for driving the family apart and it being a part of her "master plan".  She is now refered to as the "stupid bitch" that ruined the family.  I haven't had any contact with anyone in my family (except younger brother) in 6 months.  My kids (age 6.5, 5, and 3) want to know if we are ever going to my parents again and if they are going to see their cousins anymore?  What do I do???

Are you sure your younger brother isn't stirring things for some reason?  The recent reaction of your family - that you are jealous - suggests to me that things aren't entirely the way he describes them.   

  

I'd speak to your parents, your brother and your sister individually.  Each of them needs to be told that your wife is not responsible for the arguments between you.  Say as far as you are concerned the root cause of the situation is that you and your sister have not respected each other's choice of parenting styles.  (You are not the biggest fan of her children are you?)   Then say you'd like to improve things and start working towards normality again.  Therefore parenting is off the agenda for future discussions as far as you are concerned.  Finish up with an invitation to some sort of family activity that everyone can join in with and that can be the focus of discussion eg bowling,  

  

Hopefully you will get somewhere and if you don't you've got the moral high ground.  

 
September 29, 2005, 12:52 pm CDT

Dysfunctional Family response

Hi Tammy   I completely understand-sounds as if we had same father.  Mine was also  very abusive both physically, & verbally to my mom, sister and myself.  My sister and I both had 

abusive marriages the first time around-in what I believe when you accept something is normal 

you don't feel you deserve better.  My daughter is also bi-polar and has been hospitalized with 

a sucide attempt.  She also used to be a cutter/has stopped.  She seems to being doing much 

better with the meds she takes.  She had been molested/almost raped on 3 occasions and now 

questions her sexuality-does not want anything to do with a man. 

  

I can only support her decision since I feel life is too short to be unhappy/she must live with all 

her own personal choices.   I absolutely agree that you MUST prosecute your X for what he has 

done to your daughter-with the hope she will someday find peace with herself.  mom in agreement 

 
September 29, 2005, 1:55 pm CDT

me too

Quote From: trinket

    

    

 My mother --we don't get along.  Because my mother chose to tell another family member that she "Preferred" my sister over me, we don't speak, nor have we spoken in more than a year.  Our relationship has always been strained.  A week ago, my ex husband came to me and told me that through my sister, he had been asked to bring our 6 year old so to my mother's home during his visitation weekends. Behind my back of course.   

    

  When my son was born, he was in the NICU for a week and MY Mother never came to see him, or me. My mother in law came everyday to give her newborn grandson his lunch She's very much a part of his life, and unlike my mother.. our son knows her.   Naturally he's my son, so why should MY mother be bothered,?  When my mother called me to say she was a couple of blocks from our house- the week before, but never called or stopped by, or let us know she was going to be in the area-- well, I just chalked it up to her less than stellar "grandmothering" and let it alone. She had a busy life being my sisters full time caregiver to my sisters kids.  Naturally she's too busy to be bothered with my kids.   

    

  So, I am posting this in hopes of getting a few Ideas on what to do about this, if anything.  Once I took the ex down memory lane and how involved my mother has been in our son's life-for the last 6+ years... He agreed that she's up to something hokey, and we are pretty certain it's because my sister has no use for her since her kids are elderly teens now-- that my mother wants to use our son to entertain herself-- until the olderst grand from my sister starts having a family of her own.  Then we can console our devastated son because "Grandma" no longer knows he's alive-- again. Our son has extended family in his father's side.    

    

  I dont know if I should tell other family members about this-such as my mother's sisters and such,  but it would certainly explain my hostility toward her.  I could keep quiet-- since they already know of our rift from her last alienation tactics and why we are no longer speaking.  Our son is protected..  No, my mother is not diagnosed or on any medications for mental illness- though I have my suspicions.   She's been calling me and being silent on the phone, since I called her and told her I knew, and a few "Adjectives" about her to describe how I felt about her and going behind my back.  

Thanks !  

   

Annie  

My mother also always favored my sister over me, to the point that she now favors my sister's kids over mine. My sister even sees this, and agrees with me. Have you ever talked to your sister about this? If she agrees with you about this, it may be possible for the two of you to present a united front, and confront your mother. Only if this is something that you feel needs to be resolved. If you are content with the situation as it stands, leave it alone. Only bring family members into it if you feel something needs to be resolved, or if they ask. My kids and my sister's were very much aware of the favoritism, so my sister and I did confront our mother. The favoritism is still present, but she now makes more of an effort to include my children more often.
 
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