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Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

Number of Replies: 1900
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:18:00 am
Author : dataimport
Whether it stems from substance abuse, violence or manipulation, some family relationships are harmful and need to be terminated until the abuse stops. Are you involved in a toxic relationship?

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September 29, 2005, 7:12 pm CDT

hi

Quote From: trinket

  

  

  Do this.  Plan an overnight at someone's house.  Then write your parents EACH a letter -- maybe a copy of the post you wrote, and give each parent a copy.  This way, YOU are safely out of the house while they read and absorb your "IMPACT Statement.   

  

  In a murder case, the family of the victim is allowed to write something to the court, to express how the loss of their loved one has affected them.  Your parents are killing eachother with words, and you too.  

  

  Honestly-- they don't want you to hear them arguing, but they get so frustrated, they begin to not care that you can hear them, so maybe if you told them what the "IMPACT" on you is, they may seek help.  

  

  Alot of people are under this idea that if they stay together "for the kids" they are doing the kids a favor, and you and I know better.  However, if you don't tell your parents how you feel, and they expressing their anger at you also-- how will they know the damage they cause?  

  

  Yeah, they'll probably get mad, but can it get any worse ? Can your dad call you any worse than he already has?  They will get over it, and it will help them to open their eyes that the damage they are doing is not just to eachother.  

  

 Try it.. and remember, when you write it or copy you post from here...try to come up with ideas for them to try expressing their opinions better.  Like in a councelors office, or with divorce attorney's.  

outside in the car-- over the phone.   Give them other avenues to avoid hurting you.. and the dogs ears any further.  

ummm....ya if i wrote a letter 2 any of my parents they would just say "this is sh**" then throw it away..i know them very very well..unfortunatley~well...things havent gotten better but havent gotten worse..my mom left on monday to go shopping in duluth..she got back wednesday so everything was good around the house~my dad was all nice & everything when she was gone(thats y i think they'd b happier apart)..since she got back it hasnt been so bad..but the worse has yet to come~i curaintly started drinking..when i go 2 my friends moms house we drink a lot..its not like we get torked or n e thing..but i do think it has sumthin' to do with my 'family life'~well i still dont know what to do with my life~im also not doing very well in school...well my grades were kinda bad ever since i started highschool(i am now in 11th grade) & i believe there is nothin i can do bout that..no matter how hard i try i still get like a C-D..& im also in 10th grade math~& to top it all of i get motion sickness all the time..i've been 2 the dr. many many MANY times..i've had like 2-3 MRI's & they cant find nothin'..i've been getting motion sickness ever since i was like 6..so i also believe that i can never get better from that~my life is so pathetic...i wiegh bout' 134 & am like 5'6"-5'7" & i think im fat..do u think i need to do like a major turn in life cuz i have no clue what to do~i think im fat..dumb..& not worth the time..oh my gosh i cant take this pain any more~so what do u guys think??
 
September 29, 2005, 7:35 pm CDT

Verbally abusive

I just don't know what to do.  I am sitting here feeling like the walls are closing in on me.  I am 24 years old and still constantly fighting with my parents. You see, they are from Russia and have very old-school standards. I am Jewish and have been dating a Palestinian for almost two years now. Even though he is Christian and not Moslim, my mom is mortified. She was so nice to me when she thought him and I broke up but she recently found out we are still dating and she is threatening to call the police on me if I ever try to show up at our house again.  She is verbally abusive and says things I could never imagine saying to another soul.  My parents have been so serious my whole life and I never truly felt like they were proud of me no matter how much I accomplished.  I constantly find myself trying to impress them and that alone gets very stressful.  I am so scared that the relationship I have had with my parents will ruin all other relationships in my life and I won't know how to treat my children when I have some.  I tried talking to them, writing letters, yelling at them and nothing seems to work.  I work and go to a university full time, don't drink, don't do drugs, don't stay out late, and still they can't be proud for me or about me.  AAAAARRRGGGHHH!!! 

 
September 29, 2005, 7:54 pm CDT

Alcoholic father

 Hi! I'm brand new to this site today and it's my birthday so be kind. :o)  I don't have any toxic family relationships currently, however, my family relationships were toxic my whole life up until about a year and a half ago when I remarried.  My biological father was an alcoholic and drug abuser who abandoned me as a child because of his addictions.  At the age of 5 I witnessed one of my mother's boyfriends come home drunk and beat her, almost to death.  All I could do was cry in the other room and watch.  My half brother had/has brain damage and diagnosed with hundreds of different disorders ranging from ADHD to Scizophrenia.  He tried to kill me when I was around 6.  I married at age 18 to someone who was also an alcoholic and abusive.  After growing up a little getting out of those bad situations, I evaluated my life.  I could see that I was following in the same exact footsteps as my mother had and I knew that she was not happy.  A year and 4 months ago, my biological father, whom I had only met a couple of times growing up, ended up in the hospital.  At the age of 45 he died of Cerosis of the Liver and Hepatitus C.  To make this short, I just want to tell everyone out there, that although he was the source of so much pain growing up, I'm SO glad that I was able to stand before him on his death bed and tell him that I forgave him.  He did not ask me to, and it really wasn't for him; it was for me.  Abuse is very serious and we should not put ourselves in harms way, but we should try not to hold onto ill feelings toward the person who is wronging us, because in all realtiy, we become our own abusers when we do that.
 
September 29, 2005, 7:57 pm CDT

Ya have said a Mouthful

Quote From: lanav404

I just don't know what to do.  I am sitting here feeling like the walls are closing in on me.  I am 24 years old and still constantly fighting with my parents. You see, they are from Russia and have very old-school standards. I am Jewish and have been dating a Palestinian for almost two years now. Even though he is Christian and not Moslim, my mom is mortified. She was so nice to me when she thought him and I broke up but she recently found out we are still dating and she is threatening to call the police on me if I ever try to show up at our house again.  She is verbally abusive and says things I could never imagine saying to another soul.  My parents have been so serious my whole life and I never truly felt like they were proud of me no matter how much I accomplished.  I constantly find myself trying to impress them and that alone gets very stressful.  I am so scared that the relationship I have had with my parents will ruin all other relationships in my life and I won't know how to treat my children when I have some.  I tried talking to them, writing letters, yelling at them and nothing seems to work.  I work and go to a university full time, don't drink, don't do drugs, don't stay out late, and still they can't be proud for me or about me.  AAAAARRRGGGHHH!!! 

First - your parents are not going to change nohow, noway. 

  

Second - you are an adult, and fighting with your parents ain't gonna accomplish anything. 

  

Third - this is America, and your parents can't have you arrested for dating someone outside of your Faitrh. 

  

Can you go out and find your own apartment and so on.  You work.  Contact the campus housing for places to stay.  I wouldn't say that they can't be proud for you, I have the feeling it's contingent on your following their rules.   

 
September 29, 2005, 8:08 pm CDT

:(

Quote From: renagade

First - your parents are not going to change nohow, noway. 

  

Second - you are an adult, and fighting with your parents ain't gonna accomplish anything. 

  

Third - this is America, and your parents can't have you arrested for dating someone outside of your Faitrh. 

  

Can you go out and find your own apartment and so on.  You work.  Contact the campus housing for places to stay.  I wouldn't say that they can't be proud for you, I have the feeling it's contingent on your following their rules.   

What bothers me most is that my relationship with my boyfriend is amazing.  He treats me so well and we have a very respectful relationship.  It's something I am very proud of.  My parents are so stuck in their stupid ways that they could never be happy for me.  My parents paid for my brother's entire education and never asked for a dime from him.  He is ten years older than I am and now that I am attending a university, they will not pay for mine.  I always felt like  they were more proud of him than me.  I wish I could just move out and forget about their evil words but something inside of me will be so empty if I just try to move on without my parents behind me.  Even though I feel like they have never truly been behind me unless I was doing everything they wanted me to do, it's a strange feeling.  I guess no matter what happened, I so badly wanted a perfect family and was willing to do anything to believe I had one. 
 
September 30, 2005, 12:55 am CDT

when to make your 19yr old daughter move out

i have a 19 yr old daughter that has her own car, pays us 100.00/mo to live with us,but is so irresponsible. we do have rules  in our house and everytime we let her go out she is always late coming home if she comes home at all. she thinks we are just the meanest parents because we set a curphew. she went  out tonight and was suppose to be in by midnight. it's 3am and she still isn't home. no call from her or anything. i have called the police station and hospitals to make sure she wasn't there and she isn't. my husband is at his wits end and so am i........i love my daughter but it is putting a strain on our marriage. she can't make it financially without us but i don't know what else to do. we keep taking her back everytime she does this.. her dad is really mad this time and he wants her  out. what do i do??
 
September 30, 2005, 6:32 am CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: nursejan

i have a 19 yr old daughter that has her own car, pays us 100.00/mo to live with us,but is so irresponsible. we do have rules  in our house and everytime we let her go out she is always late coming home if she comes home at all. she thinks we are just the meanest parents because we set a curphew. she went  out tonight and was suppose to be in by midnight. it's 3am and she still isn't home. no call from her or anything. i have called the police station and hospitals to make sure she wasn't there and she isn't. my husband is at his wits end and so am i........i love my daughter but it is putting a strain on our marriage. she can't make it financially without us but i don't know what else to do. we keep taking her back everytime she does this.. her dad is really mad this time and he wants her  out. what do i do??
Did you ever try just talking to her the way that you would want a friend or parent to talk to you??Personally, I don't think any 19 year old should be paying rent to live in her own parents house. She may become resentful at this and I think she is already showing signs of these emotions.  She probably sees that none of her friends are paying rent and don't have curfews. The more boundaries you set, the more she'll want to break.  My parents were very similiar to this and this is why I am responding to your post.  The more they set rules, the more I became bitter and leaned on my friends when I should have been trusting of my parents over anybody.  Try letting her know that you are there for her no matter what and remember that she is a young adult.  I don't think it is anything against you or your husband but she is trying to figure out who she is and this is when she needs you guys the most!!  Kicking her out will be traumatic if not now, then later on, and not just for her but for you.
 
September 30, 2005, 9:48 am CDT

Treat your daughter like the adult she is.

Quote From: nursejan

i have a 19 yr old daughter that has her own car, pays us 100.00/mo to live with us,but is so irresponsible. we do have rules  in our house and everytime we let her go out she is always late coming home if she comes home at all. she thinks we are just the meanest parents because we set a curphew. she went  out tonight and was suppose to be in by midnight. it's 3am and she still isn't home. no call from her or anything. i have called the police station and hospitals to make sure she wasn't there and she isn't. my husband is at his wits end and so am i........i love my daughter but it is putting a strain on our marriage. she can't make it financially without us but i don't know what else to do. we keep taking her back everytime she does this.. her dad is really mad this time and he wants her  out. what do i do??
She insists on making her own rules, just like she would if she were living in her own apartment, so treat her like an adult tenant. See, your assumption that she is dependent on you is wrong. If you insist on treating her like she's still a child, she will continue to be one, including the acting out she's doing now. If she's not in school at 19 years old, she should be working full time and paying you rent equivalent to an apartment. Society considers her an adult, and will treat her as an adult if she's caught breaking any of society's rules, like driving drunk or stealing, what have you. It's time you did too. You do her no favors by continuing to see her as a dependent child. If you were to die in an auto accident and she were left alone, wouldn't it be nice to know she CAN take care of herself?
What we are doing with our son (who is also and adult not in school), is charging him rent that goes up every 6 months. There is no cap on how high it will go, so sooner or later moving out will become very desirable. The rent he pays us goes into a savings account that he can use when he moves out, for deposits or even a down-payment on a condo, furniture, whatever. We don't need the money, but he needs the responsibility. We set the initial rent low enough that it wasn't a problem for him, but it is getting steadily higher. He is currently looking around at apartments and making plans. We love him, and can afford to keep him around but he needs to grow up and be his own boss.
 
September 30, 2005, 2:48 pm CDT

Concerned about a friend

I have deep concerns about an extremely kind woman that I worked with when I was working my way through college. They say that fiction is never as bizzare as truth and I feel that this situation typifies that statement. Let me explain. 

  

As I said I used to work at an office while I was persuing my undergraduate degree and met a woman their who was my coworker. She was in her mid to late 50s, I was 18 at the time and she really took me under her wing there. We would talk alot more than work, she would listen to alot of the concerns that an 18 year old starting college and his first job would have, and was just extremely supportive of me. At the end of my two years of work there she seemed very upset that I was leaving and I will always remember the goofy photoshop letter that she printed off for me that day. While I'm not extremely close with her today, as will become apparent later, I definately care for her. 

  

I no longer live in that town, but my mother still does and works with her at her primary job. Throughout my time working with her I knew that she had cancer and was constantly in treatment for it. Despite the gravity of every situation she was faced with, she would always make it through and get a brief respite from the cancer. She has reached the limit of radiation treatment that is allowed and is currently in remission, but given her past pattern she will likely be faced with a resurggence of the cancer. Essentially she is faced with an indeterminate amount of time to live, but deep down I know that eventually the cancer will win out. 

  

During all of this she was dealing with a particularly insane situation regarding her immediate family. Allow me to explain. Prior to my knowing her there was an incident where her mid 20s aged son who is a drug addict battered her. He had a pattern of abuse and, obviously, this seriously angered her husband. Not wanting to see her son get in trouble, and this makes no sense to me, they decided to blame the incident on her husband and he ended up in anger managment therapy. While he does have some anger issues himself he has never, to my knowledge, been violent towards his wife. During the course of this therapy he confided to the counselor the truth of the incident and the counselor urged him to confront the truth and get them away from her son. 

  

My friend refused, and the situation soon grew worse. Her son got a girl pregnant, also addicted to drugs, and leeched off of her throughout the pregnancy. Throughout the pregnancy my friend seemed in her own world regarding the pregnancy and was very happy about the whole process. She felt these things despite the fact that the mother continued to drink and use drugs during the pregnancy and it seemed almost certain that CPS would take the baby from her when it was born. 

  

She has gone back and forth on kicking her son out and he always ends up living with them again or leeching resources from them. Her husband has threatened divorce and has lived in and out of the house over all of this, but seems to have finally settled back in with her. Her friends repeatedly see her out at the grocery store, struggling through pain to push the cart while her son and his girlfriend lag behind. Her son takes her own painkillers and she allows this and freely admits it. Her rationale is that it is just too much of an ordeal to go against him, so its better to just break down. 

  

I know this woman is very caring and is blinded by some sense because this is her son. She is faced with the prospet of death and the hands of chronic cancer and should not have to be put in this situation. I know I can now do very little. My mother and her co workers have tried to get through to her, but have had no progress with this. Everytime I talk with my mother I hear about this and it saddens me greatly. I know I can do very little personally and while spending time with my mother recently I said jokingly, "They should go on Dr. Phil". As I thought about it I figured, why not give it a shot. So here I am hoping that I might be able to get some advice concerning this situation or possibly a trip on the show. I realize they would have to conset to someting like that, not me, but making a post about it can't hurt anything I suppose. 

  

To those of you that made it through my sprawling, scatterbrained writing, I appreciate it. I'm sure you had serious doubts if I would ever get to the point and I apologize for that. Thank you for soldiering through! :) 

 
September 30, 2005, 4:53 pm CDT

I am now

Quote From: lanav404

What bothers me most is that my relationship with my boyfriend is amazing.  He treats me so well and we have a very respectful relationship.  It's something I am very proud of.  My parents are so stuck in their stupid ways that they could never be happy for me.  My parents paid for my brother's entire education and never asked for a dime from him.  He is ten years older than I am and now that I am attending a university, they will not pay for mine.  I always felt like  they were more proud of him than me.  I wish I could just move out and forget about their evil words but something inside of me will be so empty if I just try to move on without my parents behind me.  Even though I feel like they have never truly been behind me unless I was doing everything they wanted me to do, it's a strange feeling.  I guess no matter what happened, I so badly wanted a perfect family and was willing to do anything to believe I had one. 

going to be more explanative, and you may not like it.  Are your parents Russian born and been here only a short time or born here.  Your parents ways are not 'stupid' That is their ways.  They are embracing the old ways because that is where their comfort is.  You feel comfortable in the new ways and they either or don't like them or are afraid of them.  Never, Never ever loose your respect for your parents - believe me they will be there if you need them, but you have every right to live life your way. 

  

Ya know why they paid for your bothers education and not yours - he is a male and in a lot of European/Eastern societies, the male is honored, and the female is a female, and I have a feeling that is the thinking of your parents - remember Russia is Eastern Europe. 

  

You are going to have to please yourself and at the same time honor and respect your parents, even if from a distance.  Why are you striving for a perfect family when not one perfect family exits. 

  

                                                                                  Rog 

 
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