Quote From: equinelvrAfter growing up in a household where violence and alcohol was commonplace, I came to the painful conclusion several years back that it was best for me to cut all ties with my parents. It was not done in anger, nor was it done to spite them. It was only after much therapy and many attempts to set boundaries with them that I realized it was time to say goodbye and not allow them to continue their now insidious abuse of me as an adult.
While those closest to me understand my decision, there are those who dont understand it and either want to fix it, or try to guilt me into reconciling. I now feel as if I cant be honest about this decision because of the stigma that comes from not having a relationship with a family.
My childhood was one long nightmare. My alcoholic dad was a very loud and angry man who would beat me regularly over minor offenses. He would follow up these sessions with a teary drunken apology. My mom was uneducated, never worked, and was a very bitter woman overwhelmed with all of her kids. As the first girl of the bunch, I was singled out for her disdain, disgust, indifference, and yet she wanted full control of me at all times. Never heard an I love you from her, and barely remember even getting a hug. Although she didnt go after me physically as often as my dad, she stood by while he beat me and I vividly remember seeing a sick satisfactory smirk on her face whenever she would tell on me, knowing full well what it would lead to. Because I was treated this way by them, my brothers thought it was ok to treat me just as bad, both physically and sexually.
Fast forward to my late teens/early 20s, I moved out at a very early age and despite a serious lack of social skills and insecurity that just about consumed me, I did well for myself. I bloomed and became a successful businesswoman who took pride in her accomplishments and for once, her looks. It was then that for some reason they saw some worth in me. They wanted me to come to every family gathering and paraded me around like a pony. The gall still amazes me, but they would actually sit back and enjoy kudos from others for raising such a daughter. It was at this point where the public I love yous and hugs began
As I got older, I still played the game of were such an awesome family, dutifully attending all family functions, and at the same time, adhered to my moms scripts. See, whenever an uncomfortable topic would come up, she would immediately chime up with her warped version of events to gloss everything over. For instance, because she was uncomfortable with my femininity, she would chop my hair off. Now that I have long hair, I am often asked if it was always like that. If my mom was around when I would say it was short, she would immediately chime in with it wasnt that short, and that was the style. No mention of her telling the hair dresser not to listen to me, to just cut it short. Or, if someone commented regarding how small our house was and how did we all fit, she would immediately gloss this over with well the kids were smaller, there was always plenty of room.
After I got married, and became a parent, I realize that I needed to learn how to parent. I was heads up enough to realize that I was at risk of either repeating the cycle of abuse, or going full board the opposite way and not instilling structure in my childs life. This was also the time when I started therapy. Then, one day when my Daughter was younger, I had what I can only describe as an awakening. It came in the form of a phone call between my Daughter and my dad. I saw her face, she looked confused and when I got on the phone, I heard a voice from my past. It was my dads drunken slurry voice on the other line, and in an instant, I was a powerless child again without any control.
Now its not that I never heard that voice as an adult, I think the catalyst was that my daughter heard it. After the call, and fortunately out of sight from her, I cried like I have never cried in my entire life. All the tears that I held in over the years trying to be brave burst forth, and for once, I cried for the lonely girl that I once was, who suffered a long time in silence. It was then that I saw with clear eyes the full extent of the abuse that I grew up with and just how incredibly toxic my family is.
For the first time in my life, I spilled the beans. I told the family secrets to a therapist. It was chaotic and intense being completely 100% honest about everything since it went against the family creed of keeping secrets and lying by omission. I realized then that in a sick way, I was still very much tied to my family. And with my open eyes, I realized that they were still very much abusing me.
It was during this time that I learned a little more about alcoholism, and learned what a narcissist is. It was also when I realized that some serious boundaries needed to be set up between me and them including making sure that my Daughters time with them was monitored for her protection. Had my first honest conversation with my mom, asking her some hard questions about my upbringing, all the while explaining that I want to have an honest relationship with her. She either denied or claimed to not remember. I was in tears during this call but the only time she cried was when she turned the conversation around to her, and talked about what she endured growing upAlthough I wasnt expecting someone who seemingly has no feelings to suddenly feel something, I was hoping that she would at a minimum, acknowledge my feelings.
I began setting boundaries such as if they are in my house, I do not want to hear gossip about others. (She is a major gossip who likes to play her kids against each other) In addition, I asked that they keep their drinking to a minimum around my Daughter. Most important of all, I told them if she is over their house, they are not allowed to drive her anywhere. (Although my mom drinks less, way too much alcohol is being consumed for either of them to be driving) Needless to say all of my attempts were a bust. They not only drove my daughter (asking her not to tell), they took her to catechism (knowing full well I do not share their beliefs nor am I raising my Daughter with them) classes behind my back, they even tried negatively talking to my Husband about me to deflect anything that I might be saying about them, and all the while boo hooing to everyone who will listen about what a horrible and mean daughter I am
After one last booze infused Christmas gathering, I decided enough was enough. With the support of my loving husband I decided that the only way I could ensure that my focus remains on MY family (i.e., him and my Daughter) is to say goodbye. I was not about to waste anymore energy trying to fix or even maintain a relationship with them. Since they couldnt accept boundaries, I knew they wouldnt accept a goodbye from me. So without any fanfare, I/We simply faded away from them and for the first time in my life, I was genuinely happy.
As is the case with every toxic family, if they see you moving away from them, they try to pull you back in. I cannot begin to tell you the lengths they have gone to try and lure me back into the fold. Ive even moved out of state and when they realized this, they cried to my in-laws asking for my new contact info, all the while bemoaning that they have no idea why I am doing this to them. They now once again have my contact information so a clean break was not to be.
So here I am today, in a position where Im genuinely happy, and yet I get a bit down when Im faced with judgment for my decision. In my heart of hearts, I know the important people in my life understand, and that I shouldnt allow others to make me feel bad. I guess the issue is that while I dont shout it from the roof top, I do want to continue to be honest when I'm asked about my parents and siblings. And my wish for a subject as controversial as this one is that others can agree to disagree with me and move on.
Has anyone made the decision to cut ties with their toxic family? And if so, are you feeling the same way? Id really like to hear from you.
In the meantime, many blessings to each and everyone on this board for being brave enough to tell their stories.
I too have to deal with a toxic familys but it is my husbands mom and step dad and his evil drama drivin sister. We cut ties from his alcoholic mom and step dad in 2003 when our son was just 2. We also cut ties with his evil Sister because she enjoys hurting others and creating toxic hurtful drama and turning my husbands mom against us. Now we are dealing with his step mother that has major anger issues and control issues. She is slowly turning my husbands father against him and I. When we have talked to her in the past she has taken things we have said out of context and used it against us. We think she is suffering from insecurity, feeling Jelouse of us and not feeling loved by her husband. She has driven my husbands sister and brother away from the family. She has been charged with abusing the sister and had to go for anger managemnet. We dont feel comfortable letting our son go out to see gramma and grandpa if grandpa isnt home in fear she will possibly physicaly or emotionaly hurt our son. I'm hoping we can some how work out our differences and stay a family so my husband doesnt have to live a life without any parents. But time will only tell. Some times I regret us breaking away from his mom and step dad. I feel like im to blame for our leaving them, even if it is for the best! Best wish's to you and I pray you will have piece in your life!!
