Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

Thanks for reading this and offering your opinions and or advice. I'm so worried that something terrible is going to happen within my sister's family but don't know what to do. I've talked with her, listened to her, and suggested therapy. But, she says they can't afford therapy since they're really struggling financially.

Their family consists of her, her husband, and their two young teen sons. The home is very chaotic and often volatile. It's just a normal day for them to all (parent to parent, parent to child, child to parent, and child to child) verbally asault and sometimes physically assault one another. There is no consistency, no boundaries, and no respect for one another. The boys are now old enough and big enough to physically cause serious injuries. The youngest son has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD (Obsessive Defiance Disorder). The older son is highly emotional. They both have little to no self control and react with great anger . The boys physically fight; the oldest son and his parents have exchanged blows. The law has even been called to their property once that I know of. However, the boy had changed his bloody shirt, all blood had been cleaned up and they downplayed it to the law, who did nothing.

Today, the two boys got into a an argument that escalated to one of them getting his dad's rifle and pointing it at the other. My sister did a lot of yelling and crying, and said she doesn't know what to do but can't afford therapy. However, they cannot afford to continue down this dangerous path. I'm so frightened that someone will end up dead or seriously injured. I've asked my sister to get counseling for herself or her and her husband since the boys were very young. They never have worked constructively on their problems and now I'm afraid that it will be too late for my nephews.

I so very badly want to help them but don't know what I can do...

Hello and thank you for reading.  I need help with my mother and I don't know where to start.  She has lied my whole life about large and small things.  Every time she is caught in a lie she gets very defensive.  She has been living with me, my husband, and our 2 children for the past 4 years.  We are looking to purchase a home and had to tell her we wanted to be on our own.  Since then, her lies have become worse.  She does not work and has no friends to talk to.  She has been lying to my children about me.  She manipulates them by telling them she doesn't know why we don't want her to live with us because she is a good person.  This makes us feel like she is trying to turn our own children against us.  She lies about little things such as moving my husband's tools.  I will watch her pick them up and then when I ask her where she put them, she says she never touched them.  I have overheard phone conversations where she has told people that we throw away all her stuff when she leaves.  She also takes food that I buy and hides it in her room.  I have no idea why she does this.  I have 2 sisters and she tells us each lies about the other.  I have heard her tell my sister that I treat her badly and she can't stand it here anymore, but we were the ones that had to tell her we needed our own space.  We have never been a close family and I think it is because of her.  I remember when I was a child she told me on numerous occasions that she tried to kill herself and when she gets caught in a lie she gets very defensive and says everyone would be happier if she wasn't around.  She once told me when I was around 7 or 8 after she got in an argument with my older sister that she went for a walk and tried to step in front of a car, but it swerved.  She then told me I was too young to take care of myself so she would not do that again.  My 14-year-old son knows what she is like, but the problem I am having now is with my 5-year-old daughter.  I do not want my daughter to go unsupervised to my mother's new home and she doesn't understand why.  She blames me and I don't know how to tell her it is because her grandmother is a lying, manipulative, backstabber.   My husband is absolutely adamant that he does not want our children unsupervised around her.  How can I make my daughter understand? 

Hello and thank you for reading this.  I am 33, well educated, attractive, content and well liked by those in my life.  have 3 beautiful kids under 4 and a great husband.  My husband's brother is married to a woman who has

on numerous occaisions, said and done things serving only to hurt me, chip away at my self-esteem.  She uses to say similar things to my husband until he "put her in her place". She is 7 years older, from a different country, also educated.  Mu husband has many times expressed how she says and does thoughtless things and 'that's just how she is', also that she is jelous of me.  Others in the family simply say, "oh, she's funny" as they know "how she is".From walking through the dance floor while we had our first dance as a married couple, to often questioning what I do, to refusing to clink glasses with me at family toasts, to now, saying things (not in front of my husband's parents, of course) to my daughter lik "oh, you want attention, eh?" and now refusing to say hi to me at functions. Her husband has actually said that we (she and I) need to have a "reconciliation".  I have done nothing wrong! Once last year I tried something new and avoided her at a function and didn't say hi.  I feel as though I spend much time disliking her and want to cut her out of my life, and only see her at the in-laws, at CHristmas and not speak to her.  Especially since I believe she says and does a few "nice"things fo my kids, though only when the in laws are watching. Your help is greatly appreciated.

My homelife was abusive from a young age. Mental and verbal and emotional mostly. I have been punched by my dad. THings ended up being good with us until I married a nice man and my dad lost control of me. My hubby works 80-100 hours aweek, I get to stay home. We have a really nice house. I have 2 children, one from a boyfriend 14 years ago and our toddler who is 3. My 14 yr odl was molested by an ex husband of mine. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. My parents wanted me to NOT press charges on ex husband for the molestation. ARE THEY CRAZY i guess so.

Then when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, they told me it was my fault and if my husband and myself would spend more time with her she would be ok. We live with her so we spend all our time with her...

I had to have her admitted to a psych hospital (not fun for a mom) and my dad said I should be the one who is locked up.

Anyhow things go tso back we stopped talking for about 1 year. I have begun speaking to them again but cannot get past the last couple years of the stuff with my daughter. Whenever I bring her up in conversation and what is going on with her illness they change the subject or tell me to go to schurch. I do go to church and do not get me wrong I believe and have faith. BUT a mental illness just doesn't go away. Why don't they get it,

I try to not talk about my daughter with them and then they say they feel left out. SO then I end up not talking to them at all.

Am I wrong?

To Dr Phil and everyone,

I'm in desperate need of your help and guidance in how to talk and understand my mother's feelings towards my current long term girlfriend.

Me and my girlfriend have been togther for the last 18 months and met at university but unfortunately for the last 5 months, my mother and I have been constantly arguing over my current girlfriend and things have been getting from bad to worse as each day goes for example fighting verbally with my mother. This I don't understand cause I'm use to having a vey close relationship with my mother and family but since I've moved back home, I feel like the whole family has turned against me saying that my girlfriend isn't good for me and having abusive language said about my girlfriend. I have listened to me and tried to present my feelings but then it seems to end up on phone's slamming down or who can shout the highest. Recently from what my mum has said "as I'm living under her house, its her rules. There will be no travelling up to see your girlfriend, she can only call a certain time and I don't want her in my house and that you have no time for a girlfriend, so why do you need this one. You should basically leave this one because, I'm never going to get on with her and that if you continue with this relationship I will cut you out of my life".

This has put alot of pressure on me and my girlfriend and that most of our agruements are started from what my mother says. I am 22 and this is my first serious relationship but I am in need of your help into sorting out this relationship because from all the arguing that is happening, I'm tired of it and stressed from it and honestly i don't know what to do anymore.

Your mother is attempting to control your life with emotional blackmail.  Move out into a bedsit or shared house.  Then take your time with your relationship with your girlfriend.  Maybe she is not right for you in the long term, may be she is.