Quote From: kdtrumpHi,
I am at my wits end. I have no idea what to do. I am my mothers only child and emotionally I am drained. Guilt trips, degrading my husband and my choice of marrying him, alcohol dependency...just to name a few. My mom only deals with me through email and they are very hateful, and getting worse. I dont really know where to begin. this is the last email she sent me today..
"ok i accept your husband, just to have you back in my life. I realize that I wont see you at the holidays......because you have an excuse of working and his family.......so will you come to my funeral atleast..............that is the least you could do. I loved your grandmother and you are not loving me like I did your grandmother" There is so much I want to say about these emails she sends me, but I just let it slide and I dont email back. I dont want to say anything that I will regret, but on the other hand, it just keeps building up inside me. I can't talk to my husband b/c the initial email from mom back in Feb. said things like
"dont bring him with you when you come to see me" I was raised by my mom and grandmom since I was in first grade. I went to college, lived on my own, and married, while my mom still lived with my grandmom. Mom hasnt worked in years, so she "took care" of my grandmom, when she didnt need daily care. Grandmom passed away 3 years ago. I understand my mom subconsciously wants me to leave my husband and live with her and take care of her until she dies, so we can continue the "trilogy". But I'm not going to. I understand the underlying issues that my mom has with my husband. She feels like he took her away from me by marrying me. Then on top of that, we moved 1300 miles away from her. Now, my husband does not want to be around her. She degrades him to his face. He knows that mom doesnt like him. He already has a battering parent, he doesnt need another one.
I don't want to just let all these emails "go", because they are very hurtful and it changes the way I act around my mom and how I treat her. And, it will happen again in the future (this is the 3rd time she has sent/emailed me hurtful letters during my life). Mom really needs to get some therapy to work out her issues that she is pouncing onto me and my husband. My assumption is that she would not, (but u know what that makes me)because she closes up when I rebuttal her arguments. She just walks away and says fine...you're right.
The three of us really need to talk to someone about this issue and get it resolved. I won't be the middle man anymore. I feel like I am to a point where I need to choose between them...if thats the case, I'm choosing my husband...and that really hurts me to say that. How do we get help when we are so far away from each other? I havent really talked to her since Feb from the first hateful letter, b/c I dont like her right now and have too many other things I am consumed with emotionally and physically to have to deal with a jealous parent. help!
demolished and dispaired
Hello-
Please read, "Toxic Parents," by Susan Forward.
This book has been one that I repeatedly return to when I need to re-evaluate my relationship with my parent, who is still abusive at age 90! I've chosen to have very limited contact and that is working for me.
Best wishes to you!
