Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

Well, she is your mom.. moms like to give advice... and sometimes we don't know when to quit! Its true.. sometimes we just don't know when to stop giving advice, its not because we think our kids are stupid or anything, we just want what is best for you. (Atleast, thats where I stand on the subject of mothers giving too much advice!)  It sounds like your mom does have a hard time letting go. She is probably very worried about you, thats all. Its because of many factors: you are in Japan, you are considering moving to Las Vegas to be with  a man who is going through divorce and custody issues- no mom wants her daughter to suffer the hearthache of being a man's "rebound" girlfriend. That is what your mother is worried about. I don't blame her, either... I'm not saying that her telling you that he is "only interested in one thing" was right- I disagree with that comment- but she doesn't want to see you get hurt. Sometimes mothers are too overprotective in that area, you need to go and live your life, make your own mistakes and learn from your own, personal life experiences. My advice to you is to try to understand where your mother is coming from. She wants the best for you, she wants to protect you from making mistakes. But then, after you have considered her advice, tell her that you have listened to her advice and now you want her to listen to what you have to say, then tell her that you and Joe and serious, and that you are moving there- let her know that you appreciate her advice and her words of wisdom, but ask her to please not be negative. The last thing that you need is negativity! I wish you the best of luck. Keep your head up, your mom is afraid of you being nieve, don't prove her right, okay??

 To begin I'd like to share a little bit of history with you.  When I was nine years old my mother, who was married to my dad, decided that she wanted to be a lesbian.  It was very tough for all of us.   Eventually we had to learn to accept my mother for who she is.  When she kicked my dad out of the house she moved her new girlfriend in.  This woman came into our lives and was very physically and verbally abuse to my siblings and myself.  It was a very difficult and confusing time in my life.  I couldnt understand why this had to happen to me.  My entire Childhood I was an emotional wreck.  I didnt have any friends because I was scared they would find out about my mom and not like me.  It's only by the grace of God that I'm still sane and live a somewhat normal life. In my opinion I thought and still do think that mom was very selfish in her decisions and she didnt consider her children at all.  My sister now is a drug addict and in jail for forgery and my brother has his own emotional issues.  Now that I'm an adult and live on my own I have a since of normalcy.  I still very much love my mother because she is my mother. I visit her at least once a month and try to call every week.  She recently emailed me and told me that I have forgotten about her and dont care about her.  I have a boyfriend whom I've been with for a year and she is very jealous of him and his family.  I have not brought him around to meet her because I'm scared that they wont get along and I am somewhat ashamed of my mothers lifestyle.  I have tried telling my mother that I love and care for her and that I should visit more but she is so stubborn and still thinks that I dont care about her.  I'm really not sure what to do because now she wants me out of her life and I havent even done anything wrong. It really hurts that my mohter thinks this way of me.  I have tried to tell her how I feel but she just doesnt want to listen.  She has no problem saying what she thinks but she wont listen to me.  Should I just leave her alone for awhile or try to talk to her more or just stay out of her life completely?

My husband and I have been married for 7 years.  About 3 years ago he starting using Crystal Meth.  We seperated for a few months about 2 years ago and he might have gotten another woman pregnant (no DNA test have been done).  There is no contact between them now, however I had him arrested and he spent about 3 months in jail.  I filed for divorce because I didn't think he would change.  However while he was in jail he called and appologized for everything that happend and he wanted to work on our marriage.  So I took him back.  He was given probabtion for 2 years.  About 2 months ago he was arrested on a probabtion violation and was sentenced to a year and half in prison.  We have 2 children together one is 6 and the other is 2.  My oldest knows what is going on and that he won't be home for a while.  My little one just asks for him.  He says now that he has learned his lesson and that he only wants his family and nothing else.  I am a stay at home mom and don't make much money.  We are in debt up to our eyeballs and I am having problems with bills.  Is leaving him a better choice and if so how do I let him go as I do love him and he is a very good man when he is not under the influence

I just lost my bil of 21 years to crystal meth. The drug drastically changes people for the worse. My sister went through hell why he was on that (with his attitude) and went through hell when she found him dead. (murdered) by some "aquaintances" he ran with. You would probably be better off without him, unless he gets drug trreatment. If the other child is his, one day the ex will be back in the picture wanting to collect child support. I would make him prove himself to you before you take him back. The ball is your court. If you take him back and he continues to use the crystal meth, I would get rid of him for good. Good luck!

Yes, I have watched her try to maintain her attitude about life in general and with her mother constantly trying to maintain this grip over her at college...she wants to "work things out" now with me and sends me emails asking for advice about things. It appears that she simply can't say no to her mother or feels like if she doesn't do everything that her mother wants her to that somehow she just couldn't be as successful or something. I don't know, but I have been trying to ask her to please leave me alone because I believe that she will use me and treat me like crud again. I have tried to be nice about it but now she has progressed to following me around campus and sending me IM's about how she made a big mistake treating me the way she did and that she wants to "make it up to me". I don't know if I would oppose being her friend if she could shake the iron grip of her mother-- but as the situation stands I just can't handle it. One of the things I have learned over my college years is that there is no shame in admitting that you can't do everything all at once. Limits (contrary to popular belief) are actually a good thing! 

  

So to reply more directly to the idea of a guy trying to date Chanel: I have had multiple guy friends of mine who are also friends with Chanel and immediately become smitten with her. I tried to warn like three of them that the situation was very unstable and that if he tried to date her that he would be getting himself into a world of hurt. Two were chased off by Mom's attitude, and the other, I'll call him Sam,  just couldn't take her constant sexual advances (he had made a promise to himself to wait until marriage for sex) on him. So he broke it off after one particular fight about how he wanted to wait and she didn't etc. Well lo' and behold--  Sam was accused of raping Chanel!!!! My nerves were shot when he called me to tell me that he was having to quit school and go somewhere else because Chanel and her mother were pursuing him for this supposed assault. Now, I know that we shouldn't "blame the victim here", but Chanel and her mother (as I have illustrated elsewhere) are gold-diggers by nature, and will do anything to gain publicity, money or both. Sam (my friend) is the son of a prominent politician and was hoping to go into politics himself until this happened.  

  

Chanel is in a sorority here on campus and she has gained a reputation as the "crazy" girl. I had one friend reply to me when I told him that we no longer speak (chanel and myself): 

  

FratBoy: Oh man, that girl over there (Chanel) is so hot!!

Me: Whatever floats your boat man-- 

Fratboy: What don't you think she is worth my time? 

Me: I don't really speak to her any more for various reasons-- but if you want to go talk to her its cool. 

Fratboy: no no man, I have heard some crazy stories about that one. Two of my brothers who dated her were accused of some stuff and almost went to jail because of her mom. everyone is afraid of dating her or sleeping with her. We just think she is hot and that is about it. She's hot, but she is crazy! 

  

So yeah, just thought I would update on this situation...the hits just keep on comin' apparently.  

Hello Austingirl: 

I just wanted to offer to you someone to talk to if you need to. I believe that you can get my AIM SN from my profile and if you need to chat I am usually online. Either that you can send me an email. I hope you are feeling better since you posted this last entry.  

  

Many Blessings To You, 

Parisienne 

Thank you for your reply and insite!  I am one of those grandparents.......where the grands are held as bargaining chips.  The 2 oldest.....won't allow any contact with us as grands.....CAUSE we don't follow "THEIR" script....with giving and giving and giving.......even though we give enough........enough is never enough!  Our youngest son 24, I think has learned from his 36 and 34 yr old siblings....that withholding grands is hurting the grands more than anyone.......and doesn't do this with his 3 yr old daughter and soon to be son to be born in FEB.  He realizes that we are an important part in their lives.....(the nurturing etc) and will not withhold them for the sake of a disagreement between his father and I.  HONESTLY........ you used the right word to Toxism today..Materialistic!  Thanks so much again! 

  

Have you ever noticed that these men always want to "change" or "work on things" whenever the chips are down and they're in some sort of trouble? Why do you think that is? That's a question you really need to look deep inside for some answers to. The answer to your question about whether you should take him back or not may be in there. 

I was married to an intravenous drug addict. Been where you are. Done that. Have the tormented children to prove it. You are doing your children no favors by keeping this man in their lives. Even if he is their father. He's destroyed everything that makes a union between two people work. Why would you want him back? You're a struggling, single mother. You're going to stay that way if you let him back. You will destroy any chance of getting your head on straight, defining and correcting underlying issues that causes you to choose someone who needs "fixing", therefore squashing the chance to meet someone who is loving, caring, responsible, hard working, and would love to help you raise your children to be happy, well adjusted, emotionally healthy individuals and adults. Your hubby has issues that causes him to use. I can't stress hard enough that you can NOT help him get clean. That is something that he has to do on  his own. The only way I'd have this man back is if he were to go into treatment, get clean, get a job and get responsible. And he'd have to STAY that way for at least a year before I'd even consider a date with him. Chances are he won't maintain. It's just too hard to break addiction. The relapse rate for meth addicts is phenomenal. They always get clean in jail or prison, swear off the drug forever until they meet up with old cronies, or are tempted again and succumb. Please. Don't waste your life this way. Don't ask this of your children. They can understand some day when they're older why you couldn't stay with their dad. I wish I could tell you all about my life with an addict. Just the 8 years of it. You might find it interesting to know that he died of an accidental overdose.  

You said he's a good man when he's not under the influence. There are LOTS of good men out there...and they don't even consider the possibility of using. Find one of them. You'll be happier in the long run and glad you did. If you're wondering how I can be so sure of that, it's because that's exactly what I did.... 

Good luck.....Becky 

I am 34yrs and divorced my daughters father after 12 yrs of marriage, 

he actually left us for another women and her kids. The oldest is now 

16 yrs old she was your normal kiddo growing up very lovable NO 

behavior problems what so ever. Then we divorced in 2000 she was then 10 

and in 2003 she went totally out of control, ran away from me etc. She ended 

up going and living with her dad for almost 2 years till he quickly realized 

I was not lieing she was becoming a major handful ( behavior wise). 

He sent her packing back to me in 2004 she had at this point became sexually active, 

breaking the law, drugs, 2 suicide attempts the list goes on. He had her in counciling 

there and a diagnosis of psycho social disorder and adhd and they were medicating her. 

Which was only working about 40% of the time. Again he sent her back to me after he had enough 

and her behavior started causing martial problems between him and his current wife.  

He sent her back and telling me , he did not want her back she was not welcomed back period.  

I never told her of these statements I am not going to devistate her more. Since I have had her I to took her to a Psychologist and after he and I pondering over how her behavior is. He diagnosed her 

with Bipolar, major depression, etc. We took her off the med's her doctors had her on while with her dad. Wow all I can say is that I was Blessed with a good doctor the first time around, the medications 

have given me a totally different child , went from straight F's to within 5 weeks on the medications 

to high C's, low B's and she earned her own way out of the local High schools behavioral managed class room ( very structured) even over a year later she is still doing Awesome. Very focused ,goal oriented, and looks back at the things she had done in past as major stupid. Anyway no I am not a fool ,I to this day have not let my guard down with her. Though her doctor tells me the Bipolar etc is 

hareditary and she will have to be medicated for life etc.  I do not want to believe this I think 

this is a clear example of a product of a very bad divorce of the parents.  Plus of course only this being on top of all the other teen pressures of today. She is not mature enough to know how to deal 

with such tramendous (pyschological issues). I think the medications for now help her to stay more 

focused on the normal daily demands of life at her age and clouds out all the other stuff, she shouldnt have to deal with anyway. I hope that she will beable to stop these medications once she has gotten older , more mature in knowing how to deal with various stresses in life. 

Your right mental illness does not go away but a person can learn/mature through counciling 

and other experiences how to deal with them in a more structured /rational way . We can't change the past but we can control our future in learning how to not let it make us what we eventually become . 

Its hard and I do blame myself and their dad for being selfish and not taking into consideration 

the anger,hate, etc we grew to have for one another and allow it to bleed over and effect our children whom were totally inoccent of it all.   I will be forever by their side to hopfully absorb all the 

hurt , pain etc they may feel which should not be their feelings at all ,they did nothing wrong. 

Anyway I am detrmined to be there to give them what they need to help restructure their futures. 

I owe that to them, I wished their dad seen it this way to but again we literally hate each other even 

after 5 yrs we do not get along. I will strive each day to let them grow up and project their own 

feelings, thoughts , wishes and dreams about the kind of person their dad is without injecting my 

own negative perceptions. I also believe with God'd help they will continue to grow up and have their own happy healthy lives. Despite mine and their dads stupid inconsiderations, selfishness and corruption we may have very well brought to their lives. 

Hope this helps it was I felt simular to your own struggles. God Bless :) 

You are 100% right, your mother is selfish!  

What your mother is doing, by telling you that you've forgotten her, etc., is trying to GUILT you into having more of a relationship with her in a controlling way. She is jelous because you are living somewhat of a normal, stable life- and she did her best to create chaos in her children's lives, so she can't stand it. That is sick, dysfunctional, and of course, selfish.  

You would think that a mother would be very happy for you, that you have a stable life and a boyfriend that is good to you, and that you come around once a month and call once a week!! But not your mom... do you ever think that there is just no way to ever make her happy? If you do, its because there isn't a way to make her happy. You aren't responsible for her happiness. You are only responsible for your own happiness. If not speaking to your mom for awhile will give you a "mental break" then thats what you need to do for your own sake. My advice to you is if reaching out to her only gets you more slaps in the face and insults- then don't do it. Why punish yourself? Why allow her to control your emotions at this point in your life? She did plenty of that when you were a child. 

Her responsibility to you when you were  a child was to provide a safe, stable home environment. Because of her own selfish needs, she didn't provide that for you. It sounds like she is the type of person who thrives on chaos, and when you call and she gives you crap, she is happy to keep creating that chaos. Give yourself a break and leave her alone for awhile. Let her come to you. Love yourself and do what makes YOU happy. I wish you the best!!