Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

I have a question and I hope someone can help me with this. I very much agree with what Dr. Phil says on his show about it not being the place of a family member to take another family member's inventory. 

It's taken me YEARS to get this, but with the help of Dr. Phil's show and other materials I've read, I finally came to realize that I can have peace in my life by detaching from the train wrecks that are the lives of some of my family members. I've been a lot more at peace with myself and just generally feeling a lot better since I came to the conclusion that if they want to run it off in the ditch, have at it. If it doesn't personally affect me, then I don't care if they steer toward the ditch with gusto. 

Here's where I run into some difficulty with this way of thinking and I hope someone can help sort it out for me. I want to stay detached from what my family members are doing, but I'm finding this hard to do with my mother whose entire life is one huge Amtrak disaster. We are fairly close (emotionally, but not geographically) and she'll call about once a week. The calls always involve her telling me about something she's done with my brother or someone else that has WAY crossed boundary lines. My brother is 31 and a total mess (abusive and bordering on sociopathic). I have no relationship with him, but my mother does and she will tell me about something she did or say that is just way overstepping her boundaries. She does this with other people too such as the teachers of her grandson. She's raising her grandson and feels the teachers aren't doing enough when in fact, she's the worst parent on the planet in regards to the grandson. In other words, she's the problem, not the school. 

Anyway, my question is this: how do I stay detached in the face of her telling me the things she has done or said that are way overstepping her boundaries? Do I say anything to her about it when she tells me/complains to me or do I just change the subject? What's the best way to do this? Despite the fact that I believe she's made and continues to make huge mistakes in her life, I have had to get to a point of backing away. So is it better to just change the subject or should I say "Mom, that wasn' appropriate" or what? 

Thanks! 

The nerve! Honey, you are being very loose by allowing them any contact at all. You need to realise that they are using your children to hurt you. They have no right to pollute your kids brains with lies. Your kids can't speak and judge for themselves so you have to do it for them. It's time to cut the line. Like the last message you got, a cooling off period is necessary. But maybe it is more necessary to sever the relationship and surround your kids with better role models. After all, they could write back saying their over it and then continue to pollute the minds of your children, but instead tell them they can't tell you about it. It is obvious from their actions that the care very little about the welfare of your children and are trying to get them to file for divorce or something (i don't know if kids can do that in america but they can in australia).  

The point is this: They want your kids and they can't get them without their co-operation. 

Take your kids and run. Very, very fast. 

BJ 

I was so saddened by your post.  First of all, you are not to blame for what happened and shame on your daughter for making it seem so.  She is abdicating her responsibility to and for her girls.   

Were they my children, I would have insisted that they either go with you as promised, or stay home.  There would not have been a third option. 

Your daughter is not teaching them to honor their commitments.  Nor is she teaching them to respect the feelings of others.   

I find it ridiculous that these girls, at ages 10 and 12, have cell phones, let alone the freedom to organize their social calendars without parental input.  The long-term implications of this lack of parental involvement are frightening. 

I'm not sure there is anything you can do to smooth this over.  Maintain your relationship with your granddaughters but understand that, unless or until their mother opens her eyes, you may be  playing second fiddle to their friends and other activities.   

Keeping a good thought for you.