Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

The blame game will never make things better, and it definatly won't make YOU feel better.  

I think that with time and much effort, counceling can make a difference. Everyone has to be willing to admit their own faults in order to learn from them, so that you can move forward and have happy, healthy relationships with each other and with other people in the world. You don't say, however, if your husband is in counceling? Your relationship won't survive if everyone else goes and he doesn't.  

Going through big changes in life creates chaos, and it is natural to feel unhappy being out of your element. The biggest healer is time.  

I understand wanting to hold your family together, I have been there but keeping children in abusive homes ( whether it is physical, emotional or verbal)  is so damaging to them. I stayed in a horrible marriage for 11 yrs to try to " keep our family together", however most abusive partners are never really willing to do the real work to turn their lives around and even when they do want to work things out it is often better if the parents receive their own individual counseling because they need to begin healing themselves before they can work as a family. I finally left after 11 yrs and could not be happier, it was a big change and very scary but your piece of mind is worth every struggle. 

Some of my favorite books which provide a great introduction into the subject of family systems and dysfunctions are:   

Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward  

Why is it Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss 

Divorcing a Parent:  Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You Always Wanted by Beverly Engel  

The decision to divorce another person is never easy.  As painful as it may be, there are birth families that are so destructive that the only option is for a person to get out.  Get out with the little bit of sanity you may have remaining.  Leave to begin a life of healing and recovery so that you can eventually live a joyful and peaceful life.  

http://www.drphil.com/messageboard/topic/269/msg/id/216285/#216285 

Please read this what I wrote at this link both of the messages! I have also a toxic family. But mine is very small and I feel that I can't talk to anyone due to this. It is hard. But Growing up in a very small family (the smallest there is if you count out that one of my parents were dead).So Please read and answer quicly to me! 

Love alcedo 

Wow, its amazing there is so many people out their with weird families... I'm glad I'm not the only one! LOL 

I'm 22 and after my dad died in November of last year, I gave up talking to anyone in my extended family, aside from my mom and one uncle. During his hospitalization with cancer, I saw the most appalling behaviour from his sisters and brothers that I have ever seen from any human beings. Firstly, they resussated him when he had a Do Not Resusatate on his will which they knew about, causing him to suffer for 8 days because they weren't ready to say goodbye. They lied to us about his care, his health, wouldn't stay overnight in the hospital with him when the nurses requested someone be there and HE requested that he not be alone, they fought over his stuff, they accused me of "taking" his things from the family when EVERYTHING was left to me anyways, and, hey, some of them didn't even show up to visit him at all. Since I live in another city, I made the mistake of trusting them to be there at the hospital bed when he passed away seeing as how I couldn't be. Instead, they left him alone and then lied about it in a mass email that announced his passing. It was only in a slip of the tongue that I found out that they just left. 

It is an understatement right now to say that I hate them.  

It is a worry to me because, after my mom passes away, I won't really have any family, but I don't want them either. I can't trust them and I don't think they much like me to begin with anyways. 

The only one I keep in touch with is his younger brother, my uncle, who I have always had a good relationship with.  

Anyways, enough of my blabbing. But I'm glad I'm not the only one with weird, twisted, family members in their lives. Ugh. 

I never thought I would write on a website but today my heart is so heavy and sadden.  I have two adult children, a  son 36 yrs. old and a daughter, 27 yrs. old.  The children each have a different father as I have been married twice and divorced.  I have since remarried and began a new life and a happier life until it comes to my kids. Today, I received a call from my sister telling me my ex-mother-in-law passed away. As I did not know anything I was very shocked. I called my daughter to see if she was okay and it was like nothing had happened and I finally asked her about her grandmother.  I realize I have not been in the family since 97 but I was very close to my ex in-laws during my 20 yr. marriage.  It was my decision to leave.  I was asked by my daughter not to contact her father out of respect for her and her brother. As I did not have any intentions to contact her father at this time I was somewhat shocked over her comment.  Her stepbrother(brother) has chosen not to have a relationship with me for many years and during 2005 he and I had a very heated conversation, mostly on his part and I chose to hang up the phone. Later I wrote a letter to him stating I would not except his behavior nor would I continue being the whipping post.  We have not had much contact since then.  Today in speaking with my daughter, she stated she did not call me for she did not want to rock the boat. Whatever that means?  But my sister calls me from across the state to let me know my Mother told her.  I guess what I am getting at is the family involvement.  I have 2 stepsisters who believe they are the keepers of world and will and have done just about anything they can to destroy me as a person.  My kids have totally been brainwashed by these people and I have no recourse.  I chose in 98 not to have contact with these people and my life has never been better. No drama!!!   

Someone please give me some advice on how to handle this situation.  My children have ripped my heart out and I am still a "fucking liar," and horrible mother according to my son.  A thief according to my daughter, "we changed the locks on the house for everytime my mom visits something is missing."  My children were verbally abused and I was not the mother of the year but they did not suffer and were given a good home, love and lots of great adventures in life. The father is the idol and he told me he would be when I left no matter what the cost.  Believe me it has cost him alot. I chose my new life and new path and for that I am thankful but my children's actions hurt deeply.  

I realize this is very long but I need to have a release and Dr. Phil's website is what I found. 

Kindly, 

Gerry   

1) Einter you leave your husband for 26 years and go on with your life because this is not going to get any better. This may sound harsh but from what you write here and in such big letters you seem to be on the nerve to panic-attack. You need to first take care of you. Go to a specialist (someone with the same bottom education as Dr. Phil) and do it quickly, because if you do not do this you will be really hitting hard ground like you never wanted it to happen. Never good to stay too long surpress your true you and your own true feelings that you have all the right to feel. You do need to stay in contact with your kids, kids can be hard at times and they easily take advatage of parents, but on the bottom line a good mother who face her own truth is the bet mother! 

2) Fake a meeting with both your son and your husband (if you have to you set up a date with both of them to meet on at the same time of that day. Let us say Thursday at 3 pm for coffee and some normal chat) don't tell them that the other one get the same time. Nail down what you feel in a long letter and let both read it at the same time and lock every door and tell them that you will not tollerate them to leave the kitchen/livingroom until they have read it all. But don't blame anyone else in this. Just tell them that this situation is putting you in a foxtrap put in the woods and that you feel like a fox being caught up in the middle of them. If this don't work out go to see a family council and let him/her take in your son and husband one at the time telling them the situation.  

If nothing of this works out like you want it to do. I am affraid you have to cut the relationship for a long period of time with both your loved ones. Even if you are in the your 50ies or something like that. you may still have about 30 or 40 more years to live, that is almost the same amount of years you have lived so far. And if you are in your 60ies or so you still have many more years to come. Try to after some years get back to first your son who is 30 years old and should act like an adult he really is on paper. But let him know that you need him to grow up first before you meet him again. Your husband is another case. Because he is also a childish man never willing to grow up. If he cheat on you just because of your son he is strange! 

Yeah you ask me about my age and if I can relate? Well I am 23 soon to be 24 and I do not have your history. But I do want everyone to live their life un-toxicated! 

Love alcedo