Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

Oh, I am scared of this,  but here goes. 

I am a 43 year old grandmother, and am so worried about 4 of our 20 + grandchildren.  My daughter, Jesse, has 2 Girls, 4 and 3, and twin boys that are 15 months.  She had the 1st girl (Jen)  the beginning of her senior year of high school then reunited with her "1st" love a couple of months before she graduated.  After graduation, she moved it Idaho w/ her boyfriend and his family.  She then got preg w/ the 2nd girl (Hazel) and came home.  Eventually, her b/f and her got back together and were married.  Following that, my daughter wanted a boy and they agreed to try 1 more time.  They got the twin boys!! (Steven and Cory), she had a c-section for the breach twins, and had her tubes tied.  Now, she scares me!! 

My daughter has a "friend".  She spends more quality time w/ him then all 4 of her children combined.  He husband(James) knows about most of the situation, but w/ the oldest one not being his,  he wont leave her and lose the kids.  I am sure that he could get the 3, but our daughter would never let him have the oldest.  Our son in law would come here from Idaho every other weekend, and wouldn't even let "J" change the baby's diapers.  He said "I only get these 4 days a week with my family, I want to do all I can for them."   

Jesse took Jen to Las Vegas to visit a friend who was dying. Jim was 1 of Jens primary care givers while Jesse was finishing high school.  It was found out later that Jess went out of town w/ her friend, and his son.  They all stayed in the same connecting hotel rooms.  Jen was not quite 3 @ the time. 

We, my husband and I, have had 1 grandchild die from "shaken baby" and have lost 3 other grandchildren to adoption into other family's.  The pain that we feel is indescribable.  We just cant lose any more, not and still be able to keep our lives together.  And that is where the problem is.  Jesse does not take proper care of any of her children.  She refuses to take them all anywhere together w/ just her.  In fact, all the kids have Pink Eye right now, and she wouldn't even take then to the walk-in clinic here today because, "I cant take all 4 of them in there by myself".  Her house is filthy, and there is no telling what some of the stuff those boys are crawling through is.  I work 2 part time jobs, and try to take the kids @ times.  It seems that when I do they, she just gets worse.  On Christmas day, she took off w/ her b/f and someone else, and went to Utah to be able to SHOP the day after Christmas sales there.  She didn't even make a Christmas dinner for her family, or attend one w/ any other family members.  Then again, on Good Friday night, she took off w/ her b/f to go to California to help him move his stuff from storage there to here,  she did make it back before I got the kids home from Church On Easter, but was so tired from driving that she slept all afternoon. 

There are lots and lots of things like this, gambling all night and sleeping when she is home w/ her kids.  Jen takes more care of the rest of those kids then Jesse does.  At  3 she was doing most o the caring for the others when we were not there.  She couldn't/cant change diapers, but she has to keep track of where the diapers/wipes are etc.  She even got in trouble when her brothers got bad colds because "SHE" left the door open when the boys were dressed only in diapers in the winter.  It had nothing to do w/ those kids never being dressed, socked, or shooed. 

Anyway.  our home is not big enough to put 4 children in.  We know that because one of our grandsons was put up for adoption by the state of Idaho.  He has Muscular Dystrophy, as does his brother.  The boys and their 2 sisters were taken from their mother in Idaho during a drug bust/situation.  They wanted to keep the kids together, and we wanted them all but the State said no.  Not enough "square footage" in our home.  So we are afraid to go to the state here.  These kids have only my husband, other daughter, and I as being stable in there lives, and I cant/wont take that away!!  I believe our son in law would give us custody of the three, but he cant Jen.  Those kids need there sister as much as they need adults that will/can care for them as they should be. 

I know that our family was not even close to perfect when Jess was growing up.  I have had problems w/ depression allot.  I hate house work, and worked so that I could be around adults sometimes and away from My two girls and my step kids.  I like to play nickels at the casino, and love to shop.  My husband used to drink, allot @ times, and we had a very rocky few+ years.  We have 9 kids that are, his, mine, ours, and theirs.  My husband is not Jesse's father, but his name is on her birth certificate, and he has always been there for her.  He sees/feels no difference w/t  the kids, and loves her as much as the rest.  We just don't know what to do.  Please someone give me some help!!  These baby's need someone smarter and more experience then us.   

 The behavior of my cousin since she got married 3 years ago has be so erratic and unusual that it is effecting my life and those of my family, and I can't ignore it any longer.  

I need help or advice from you guys please!  

My cousin got married for the first time in her 40's.  I was in grade school when she went off to college so I grew up seeing her go through boyfriend after boyfriend throughout her 20's and 30's. So I like the rest of my family have tried to be happy and accommodating through the process of her wedding, her misscariage, and the subsequent succesful birth of her daughter  because I know she waited so long to enjoy these things.  

But as I said, this three year period has been marked by my cousin having odd behavior.  It includes self centeredness, rudeness, varying degrees of inconsideration, and inconsistant or odd explanations for her behavior. And I can't take it anymore!  

Her latest "stunt" really has me enraged!  She called on a Sunday night to tell my family that she and her husband were driving down to her home town ( where I and most of her famliy live, a 7 hour drive) to celebrate her childs first birthday.  I was dumbfounded!  The problem with that was that the birthday would be on a tuesday and she was giving us two days notice!  

TWO DAYS NOTICE THAT THEY WERE COMING ON A WEEKNIGHT TO CELEBRATE A BIRTHDAY!  

Worse yet, she said that she was asking my parents and an aunt ( both retired with not a lot to do on a week night) if they could host a little impromptu party for the baby!  I felt like she was purposly asking the people who are retired because they wouldn't say no. 

What was her explanation for all this spur of the moment CR@P ?  She said her husband pretended like he was driving somewhere else and then got on the highway that leads to our home town and suprised her.  That doesn't make sense!  A surprise for HER is one thing.  Two days notice that WE are suppose to throw a party on a week night is another!  If this was the truth her husband should have let us in on it so we could have a WELL PLANNED party even if it was on a Tuesday night.  

So ofcourse my famliy complied and had the party for her baby  She is after all the nice lady who had to wait till her 40's to get married and have this baby.  I had work, and wasn't going to ask for time off.  I was tired of running around rearranging my plans to accomodate her on short notice. It's happened so often I'm sick of it.  

When her baby was being christened she gave us 5 DAYS notice.  Her hometown family members live 7 hours away and we had to get transpertation, accomodations, and so forth.  Her explanation for the timing was that her minister was about to go out of town.  Again, it doesn't make sense.  If she could wait till he comes back and give us proper notice, it would have been easier on us.    

When she got married she had my father walk her down the aisle.  My mother told me that her mother (my aunt) said that she was going to ask me if this was ok. I was never asked.  Then, just 2 months before her wedding( she was engaged for six months) she asked me to be a hostess.  I said yes, but oddly I had NO real duties the entire wedding day.  

I truly don't know what is wrong with my cousin.  Is she just a woman who is a little over anxious about her new life as a wife and mother because she had to wait longer? Does her husband have something to do with her behavior change?  I have my reservations about him.  Is she covering up for HIS lack of consideration for our family?  Is she just going along with what he wants?  As of right now my family just comes running whenever she says the word!  

A long history in a little nutshell.  My MIL and FIL are refusing to speak with my husband because he had the audacity to write my MIL a letter asking her why she has been non-communicative and that some of her behavior and comments had been hurtful, "mean," and based on her assumptions rather than facts. (This all evolved over a long time and we could no longer brush aside her rude and seemingly accusatory and crazy comments.This is really a long story.)   My daughter and I went to their house a year ago when we were in their state (after 2 years of not speaking to my husband as well as cutting off all communication with both of their only grandchildren.) I said that there needs to be peace in this family and reconciliation and that the air needs to be cleared, but that my husband, their son (who is a wonderful man... I'm so blessed to be married to him) will not come unless he knows that there will not be screaming and yelling and blame-laying.  That is the reason he wrote the letter in the first place:  because he didn't want it to fall into an ugly and hostile situation, and he didn't want to disrespect them by fighting. They verbalized that they would not peacefully discuss any of the issues, and they they were "mad as hell" and were going to be sure that my husband knew that.(Believe me, they have already vented beyond reason!) 

    There is really a lot more to say, but that's all this nutshell will hold!  :-) 

    Here's the question:  My daughter is graduating from high school at the end of May, and I am very uneasy about sending them or my SIL announcements.  I did order 5x7 photographs specifically for them.  Should announcements be sent to them?  My daughter has addressed all of her announcements, and I'm wondering if they should be sent to these relatives.  My MIL and FIL have done NOTHING to keep in contact with either their granddaughter or their grandson (who is stationed in the military in the same state, about a 90 min. drive away.)  My daughter says she doesn't care and that she wants nothing from them and nothing to do with them if they are going to be hateful. (She was appalled at the way they acted and spoke when we went to see them a year ago.)  I think that announcements should be sent simply because any issues  my in-laws have with us are with her dad and me, not her.  My daughter has had nothing to do with any of this discord, at least that my MIL has made any of us aware of. 

    Also, while my SIL sent Christmas gifts, there have been no acknowledgements from her or her husband that the birthday and Christmas gifts we sent were received or appreciated.  She has not called, as she said she would do. and she has not written.  She has not returned any of my phone calls (about 3 or 4 over the past several months.) 

   Any insights would be appreciated.  Maybe I'm also looking for a way to get off the hook, but I truly am most concerned with family unity for the long haul.  I want what's best for everyone.  My husband, good as he is, is very hands-off with this.  He has been burned by them beyond what any civil, let alone loving, parent would do.(That's more of the background of this story that I won't get into.  This is already way too long.)  I'm also wondering very, very seriously if my MIL is mentally ill or perhaps has developed Alzheimer's, and because of their grudge-holding and prideful natures, are refusing to tell their son.  Thanks for any insights, and sorry this is so long! 

A long history in a little nutshell.  My MIL and FIL are refusing to speak with my husband because he had the audacity to write my MIL a letter asking her why she has been non-communicative and that some of her behavior and comments had been hurtful, "mean," and based on her assumptions rather than facts. (This all evolved over a long time and we could no longer brush aside her rude and seemingly accusatory and crazy comments.This is really a long story.)   My daughter and I went to their house a year ago when we were in their state (after 2 years of not speaking to my husband as well as cutting off all communication with both of their only grandchildren.) I said that there needs to be peace in this family and reconciliation and that the air needs to be cleared, but that my husband, their son (who is a wonderful man... I'm so blessed to be married to him) will not come unless he knows that there will not be screaming and yelling and blame-laying.  That is the reason he wrote the letter in the first place:  because he didn't want it to fall into an ugly and hostile situation, and he didn't want to disrespect them by fighting. They verbalized that they would not peacefully discuss any of the issues, and they they were "mad as hell" and were going to be sure that my husband knew that.(Believe me, they have already vented beyond reason!) 

    There is really a lot more to say, but that's all this nutshell will hold!  :-) 

    Here's the question:  My daughter is graduating from high school at the end of May, and I am very uneasy about sending them or my SIL announcements.  I did order 5x7 photographs specifically for them.  Should announcements be sent to them?  My daughter has addressed all of her announcements, and I'm wondering if they should be sent to these relatives.  My MIL and FIL have done NOTHING to keep in contact with either their granddaughter or their grandson (who is stationed in the military in the same state, about a 90 min. drive away.)  My daughter says she doesn't care and that she wants nothing from them and nothing to do with them if they are going to be hateful. (She was appalled at the way they acted and spoke when we went to see them a year ago.)  I think that announcements should be sent simply because any issues  my in-laws have with us are with her dad and me, not her.  My daughter has had nothing to do with any of this discord, at least that my MIL has made any of us aware of. 

    Also, while my SIL sent Christmas gifts, there have been no acknowledgements from her or her husband that the birthday and Christmas gifts we sent were received or appreciated.  She has not called, as she said she would do. and she has not written.  She has not returned any of my phone calls (about 3 or 4 over the past several months.) 

   Any insights would be appreciated.  Maybe I'm also looking for a way to get off the hook, but I truly am most concerned with family unity for the long haul.  I want what's best for everyone.  My husband, good as he is, is very hands-off with this.  He has been burned by them beyond what any civil, let alone loving, parent would do.(That's more of the background of this story that I won't get into.  This is already way too long.)  I'm also wondering very, very seriously if my MIL is mentally ill or perhaps has developed Alzheimer's, and because of their grudge-holding and prideful natures, are refusing to tell their son.  Thanks for any insights, and sorry this is so long! 

 The behavior of my cousin since she got married 3 years ago has be so erratic and unusual that it is effecting my life and those of my family, and I can't ignore it any longer.  

I need help or advice from you guys please!  

My cousin got married for the first time in her 40's.  I was in grade school when she went off to college so I grew up seeing her go through boyfriend after boyfriend throughout her 20's and 30's. So I like the rest of my family have tried to be happy and accommodating through the process of her wedding, her misscariage, and the subsequent succesful birth of her daughter  because I know she waited so long to enjoy these things.  

But as I said, this three year period has been marked by my cousin having odd behavior.  It includes self centeredness, rudeness, varying degrees of inconsideration, and inconsistant or odd explanations for her behavior. And I can't take it anymore!  

Her latest "stunt" really has me enraged!  She called on a Sunday night to tell my family that she and her husband were driving down to her home town ( where I and most of her famliy live, a 7 hour drive) to celebrate her childs first birthday.  I was dumbfounded!  The problem with that was that the birthday would be on a tuesday and she was giving us two days notice!  

TWO DAYS NOTICE THAT THEY WERE COMING ON A WEEKNIGHT TO CELEBRATE A BIRTHDAY!  

Worse yet, she said that she was asking my parents and an aunt ( both retired with not a lot to do on a week night) if they could host a little impromptu party for the baby!  I felt like she was purposly asking the people who are retired because they wouldn't say no. 

What was her explanation for all this spur of the moment CR@P ?  She said her husband pretended like he was driving somewhere else and then got on the highway that leads to our home town and suprised her.  That doesn't make sense!  A surprise for HER is one thing.  Two days notice that WE are suppose to throw a party on a week night is another!  If this was the truth her husband should have let us in on it so we could have a WELL PLANNED party even if it was on a Tuesday night.  

So ofcourse my famliy complied and had the party for her baby  She is after all the nice lady who had to wait till her 40's to get married and have this baby.  I had work, and wasn't going to ask for time off.  I was tired of running around rearranging my plans to accomodate her on short notice. It's happened so often I'm sick of it.  

When her baby was being christened she gave us 5 DAYS notice.  Her hometown family members live 7 hours away and we had to get transpertation, accomodations, and so forth.  Her explanation for the timing was that her minister was about to go out of town.  Again, it doesn't make sense.  If she could wait till he comes back and give us proper notice, it would have been easier on us.    

When she got married she had my father walk her down the aisle.  My mother told me that her mother (my aunt) said that she was going to ask me if this was ok. I was never asked.  Then, just 2 months before her wedding( she was engaged for six months) she asked me to be a hostess.  I said yes, but oddly I had NO real duties the entire wedding day.  

I truly don't know what is wrong with my cousin.  Is she just a woman who is a little over anxious about her new life as a wife and mother because she had to wait longer? Does her husband have something to do with her behavior change?  I have my reservations about him.  Is she covering up for HIS lack of consideration for our family?  Is she just going along with what he wants?  As of right now my family just comes running whenever she says the word!  

My homelife was abusive from a young age. Mental and verbal and emotional mostly. I have been punched by my dad. THings ended up being good with us until I married a nice man and my dad lost control of me. My hubby works 80-100 hours aweek, I get to stay home. We have a really nice house. I have 2 children, one from a boyfriend 14 years ago and our toddler who is 3. My 14 yr odl was molested by an ex husband of mine. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. My parents wanted me to NOT press charges on ex husband for the molestation. ARE THEY CRAZY i guess so.

Then when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, they told me it was my fault and if my husband and myself would spend more time with her she would be ok. We live with her so we spend all our time with her...

I had to have her admitted to a psych hospital (not fun for a mom) and my dad said I should be the one who is locked up.

Anyhow things go tso back we stopped talking for about 1 year. I have begun speaking to them again but cannot get past the last couple years of the stuff with my daughter. Whenever I bring her up in conversation and what is going on with her illness they change the subject or tell me to go to schurch. I do go to church and do not get me wrong I believe and have faith. BUT a mental illness just doesn't go away. Why don't they get it,

I try to not talk about my daughter with them and then they say they feel left out. SO then I end up not talking to them at all.

Am I wrong?

Hi there,  

      I am trying to salvage a relationship with my ex-husband.  I feel in my heart that I love him, but I am not sure if it is love, or me just wishing it is love.  He is not romantic in any fashion, and he has never done anything that really shows me that he cares.  I think that the only reason that I am trying to save this relationship is because, we have children and I hate to be alone.  We have taken the tests here on the website, which was like pulling teeth for him, and we failed every test.  There has been a lot of physical and emotional abuse in this relationship, but after the court trial years ago, he hasn't done that again.  He says that we don't need therapy, but I know that we do.  Our children have special needs, and they cry for his attention, it breaks my heart.  I want this relationship to work, and he says that he will do what he is made to do to keep it, but I don't think that I should have to ask, or make him do anything.  He still thinks that there is nothing wrong with us, and that it is all in my head.  What can I do to open his eyes?  I raised my standards like Dr Phil said, and that has helped some.  I am saving money to get more books to read, but I need help.  Any suggestions?