Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

I've never thought to ask. The cycle is usually like this: for a while (a couple of weeks to a month), there's no fighting, she acts like I'm not present and I try to stay out of her way. When that period is over, out of nowhere she'll come at me with an issue -- it's usually about me not helping around the house, wasting resources, or being selfish. I'll try to defend myself, the fight escalates to the point where I leave just so I don't break down. The next week or so after that, she's extra-cozy with my other siblings, and does little things to provoke me or remind me that she's ignoring me (e.g. the last blowout there was, I was washing the dishes and she came and yanked the tap out of my way to fill a glass with water so that I almost dropped a plate; other times it's things like her brushing past me, or almost stepping on my toes). During that period I get pretty angry seeing all the (crap) that she dishes out, so I give her the silent treatment back. About a week later, she notices and then starts trying to be nice to me, like out of nowhere trying to share a joke with me ... but she has never apologized to me for anything in my life, ever. It usually takes me a couple more weeks to cave in and just let the whole thing slide, so I start to warm up to her. Of course, once I do, we go back to her treating me coldly, so I spend a long time just being nervous and waiting for the next fight. 

I don't think I could ask her because it really seems like she doesn't see a problem. If there's ever anything wrong with something, somehow it's my fault. My initial post, I explained how she ignored my birthday? Well, now we're in the stage where she's trying to coddle up to me, and she gave me money a couple of days ago but left out a birthday wish, which is what she knows I would have appreciated more than anything. Yesterday, she was lecturing me about university being out and me having to find a summer job, and she said "That's the reason why I didn't want to give you anything for your birthday, because you're lazy" with a laugh, which isn't true for 2 reasons: a) I have a job that she never bothered to ask about, and b) she didn't give me anything because it was part of her isolation game. But I say that to show how she usually glosses over issues, or blames them on me. If I can make enough money this summer, I seriously want to move out. I'm so tired of giving in all the time and seeing nothing. I'm still smarting from my birthday, and I'm expecting another fight soon and I'm not trying to let her get away with always kicking me in the face. 

It's true, I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells in my house. It's like if I'm not worrying about when the next fight is coming, I'm worrying about how to get her to stop treating me badly once a fight has come. And the really bad part of it is, my siblings are starting to pick up on the cycle. I remember about a month or so ago, my 11-year-old sister and I were joking about something she was supposed to do for school and forgot, and she said something like "Well, it's okay, Mom will sign it for me and bring it to the teacher. Good thing it wasn't you that forgot, huh? You would have been in trouble." She didn't even mean anything by it, but just the fact that she said that shows there's sort of an unspoken understanding in our house that I'm a lesser being or something. My other 4-year-old brother also thinks that I fight with my mom on purpose, so I kind of suspect there's some brainwashing or something going on there, or maybe it's just because he's a kid and doesn't understand yet.  

Anyway, I've written enough, haha, but thanks for your reply. I'm definitely looking for ways out. 

And I should say jenoc99, I think you are right about her just going along with hubby's behavior because she want this marriage to work so bad.... 

But since I originally posted things have gotten even stranger.  I overheard my mom tell someone over the phone the reason that my cousin gave her about having the aunt host the party and not my parents. It sounded as fishy as all my cousins other excuses! 

I should also say that I found out that the party they were having for the baby where they live now wasn't any better than the party thrown together in her hometown (where I and the family live).  It was just  a cake and ice cream party AT SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE that was added onto ANOTHER EVENT that was already going on at that persons house on that day! 

I don't get it. A child's first birthday is suppose to be at least well planned, even if it isn't lavish! 

I don't get anything that my cousin and her husband do! My mom told me that the husband gave the baby a bone to suck on or for teething or something like that!  

My cousin was a highly educated proffesional woman. Now I see her as little more than JELLO! 

Ok,   

  I need some help. I am living with my grandmother and driving my future mother-in-laws car. I feel like a moocher, but I don't want to feel like one or be one. I am a struggling college student and so is my fiance. I am only half way through college and my fiance is trying to finish his last couple of college hours. I am beyond ready to get out of my grandmother's apartment, but my fiance and I can't seem to find jobs that will pay enough and/ or give enough hours to be able to do anything. I am going nuts and want out on my own without my grandmother or her help. I want to live my own life with my fiance. I want to have my own family with my fiance. I want to be able to finish college, get a good, stable job, have children and live the ups and downs of the real world. If anyone has advice or anything that could help me please let me know. I am getting desperate.   

Nicole   

STRUGGLING COLLEGE STUDENT WANTING OUT!!!!!   

I am very glad to see that your son is moving on with his life. He learned that his mother will defend him and stand by him no matter what. Everyone needs at least one person in thier life to show them that. Everyone needs to know that they are vauled, worth a damn, and above all important enough to warrant such devotion. I received mine from my mother. Now i'm not saying that she's the only one that would defend me, but I have seen the lengths she is willing to go for either myself or my older brother. We both know, no matter how badly we screw up or what happens to us, she will be there with loving arms to protect us, or a snappy, "what in the hell were you thinking?" if we need that too.   

I don't care how old i get, I still like to know that she'll snap me out of my funk or protect me when i need it. It is saddening to know that you, even though a grown woman, cannot get that from your mother. But the upside to that, you had enough self-esteem and love for your child, you were able to give that to him, no matter what happened to you. That in itself is a feat not easily accomplished. But for that act, you will get what you put in. Meaning, he will defend you if you are unable to defend yourself. That is what a true family is all about. Defending and protecting each other in the face of danger or strangers, but having the ability to say, "now look son, what in the world were you thinking?", when everyone is eating dinner that night.  He might get angry for a little while but he'll realize that you said it because it had to be said.   

And if no one has ever told you, I am proud to know that there are parents like you in the world. Proud to know that in the face of your own problems, you chose your son and his wellbeing and peace of mind. Not that you punished him for what happened. You rose above the hand you were delt and gave your son a better one. For that you should be proud of yourself. And good job on a job well done!  

I was ina very,very simliar situation. IT wasn't my grandmother, but along the same lines. I went to school and worked two jobs. My boyfriend and i, at the time, decided it would be better for me to go to school and work to jobs for a few reasons. 1. i wasn't home much anymore so i didn't have to deal with the BS. 2. i could stash some money so we could have a deposit for our own apartment. (which by the way was a very small one bedroom) 3. he could finish college and then get two jobs if he had to, to pay for our apartment. Then i could concentrate on finishing my education and ditch one of the jobs. There is nothing wrong with working two jobs. Okay, it's extremely tiring and there isn't much time to be devoted to him specifically, but we both knew that it was part of the agreement. since, we have both finished school. (we aren't together anymore but now i realized i couldn't have done it without him, but i just can't live with him. crazy things ya find out later.)   

I'm mearly telling you this for one reason. it might help you and your fiance come up with a plan. A course of action if you will. A way for you both to work towards what you both want and both compromise to get it. Your life with your finace has nothing to do with his family, your family or whomever. If you both are happy, your needs are met and you are both working towards a goal and know that the other will help you along the way, it'll make your relationship that much stronger and harder to dissolve. (mine dissolved because he was too self-absorbed to have anyone else in his life but him) But it was a lesson i am grareful to have learned. He also helped me get out of my house and standing on my own two feet and taught me how to work with someone else for the same goal, can't hate him too much for that.   

I feel that if you and your fiance sit down and write out a plan and both work at it and not take out your frustration on each other, you two can accomplish anything, espeically both of your finishing school and creating a life together with your own family and it's own needs. I hope this may help you.  

You're obviously both working hard towards being independent.  As long as you do your part to show your grandmother you appreciate her letting you live with her, it's not mooching!  She's letting you live there! 

From my own personal experience, though, make sure you aren't living under anyone's roof but your own when you get married.  Otherwise things can turn realllly nasty.   

One thing you may want to look into is low-income housing - there's a few places out there with reasonable rent in fairly good areas.  I don't think these types of apartments advertise in the newspapers, but if you call  your state's housing department they may be able to give you some ideas or a direction to go in. 

Good luck with everything, and I hope you get out of there.   

Thank you for your response.  You asked if perhaps my sister had anything in her life that brings her joy.  Well, yes her pets and apparently that's about it.  I recently went to stay with her she was not well,and to put it briefly, it alienated me even more.  I love my sister there is no doubt about that, but I can see that to see and talk to her as little as possible is the only answer. 

In life we have to tell ourselves to accept things as they are rather than how we would like them to be.  The Serenity Prayer helps me to remember this.  And the hardest part is the wisdom to know the difference. 

Take bestest care, 

Eileen 

Hi all  

I have a situation and I am being forced to make decisions I don't want to make.  My son is engaged to a girl that he plans to marry on June 24th.  My husband and I have a tough situation with my husbands mother.  It is one where, we don't speak to her.  She is an alcoholic, has been for many many years.  She has either done or not done things to our family and we just can't have anything to do with her.  My son on the other hand, thinks my husbands mother is wonderful, because she has sent him money and lots of it, when ever our son gets in trouble.  She also sends the  money because she knows we don't like it.  So, now that the wedding is getting closer, my son is insisting on having "grandma" there.  He knows how we feel about her and we have said that if she comes, we will not be attending his wedding.  He doesn't care how we feel, he is just going full steam ahead.  He told us if we make the choice not to come, that it is our decision.  He won't talk to us about it.  He won't listen to the reasons why we can't have anything to do with "grandma"  He just shuts all of it off.  There is no way to work this out, he won't talk about it and weather we have hurt feelings over it or not, just doesn't matter to him.  Keep in mind too, that this "grandma" has never been a factor in our son's life until just recently.  All the while, the kids were little she wanted nothing to do with them.  But, as soon as it looked like she could make a statement with her money, and they were over 21,she came running with her big fat check book wide open.  She is only buying his affection.  But our son can't see it.  He thinks she genuinely cares.  My husband and I are just heart sick over this whole thing.  Iknow what ever decision we make it will be the wrong one and it will effect our relationship with our son the rest of our lives.  Our daughter on the other hand, had the same situation, but she returned "grandma's" big check and told her if she couldn't just be "grandma" then no thanks.  "grandma" has not contacted her since.  It's all about the money     HELP!