I'm 44, male, never had a relationship or sex, got bullied at school, considered I 'must' be homosexual, and suffered discrimination as if I was, after bad advice to 'talk to friends'etc. etc. Don't really relate/trust anyone since then and have lost my friends now.
I've spent most of my adult life going through endless permutations of what could be wrong with me and finally I feel I've hit upon what it actually may be.
My father is a Type 2 control freak. Its been constant and domestic violence the norm at times. He has treated my mother badly and I feel I don't know her properly and I think its adversely affected my relationship with my sister. My ego has been crushed. Although capable, no-one ever sees what I can do because to me its 'showing off', dancing is silly, emotion is bad, sticking up for myself is a non starter, I'll cry because its beneficial and harder than stiff upper lip ie. I believe I have to take the hardest of choices based on logic. Hairstyles are for woosies, fashion is as ridiculous now as it was in victorian times and only manipulated fools fall for all that, etc. etc. In other word most of what others are doing within social settings I rationalise as ridiculous.
However I think there's a secondary complicating factor. Schools were Catholic, alter boy, choir, the full works. I grew up with a fair degree of isolation. A few embarassing situations occurred when I was young which I believe further affected sexuality. I wanted a girlfriend, and to 'get out' bad when I was younger and 'going through it' and it was the age of feminist radio programs of which I took great notice. In essence I think I may now be ashamed to like women on the basis of how they look. I always think I am treating the few women I have met with respect, but usually within no time a glazed look appears in their eyes, they rarely say much and then disappear.
Got put in prison at 17, unfairly really, was protecting others. Expected lawyers and police to do their job but they didn't, latter makin me sign for local unsolved petty crime that were nothing to do with me. Rather than defend myself I have an internal mechanism that makes me stoically endure hardship whilst knowing the people responsible were fools and unjust. Do the same with criticism. Trying to say I have a different approach to situations than others have.
Got into drugs, and in many ways feel they saved my life. At the worst moments amphetimine binging lasting a week would enable me to get through something. Although I do smoke cannabis, I can leave it alone quite easily and have done for months, over a year once, just to check. Currently nothing. I've rarely worked in a proper job, but I do work hard, but the monetary reward doesn't bother me and I do many things for others for nothing as if seeking acceptance.
I've attempted to get help on some of this from many sources, and they all refer you on to somewhere else, or I'm too old or something that results in nothing happening and eventually asking for help and the explaining was doing me more damage than not. I also ran out of options to try. gave up, doctors have been worse than useless, consistently.
Don't really eat properly. Would prefer a pill, but trying to change this. Intelligent, not bad looking I believe. I stay in all the time on my own. Rarely see anyone if I can help it now. I build and use computers so internet is a crucial ingredient.
I feel encouraged presently since these two ideas do seem to make a lot of sense and feel 'right' for the first time ever. I could say a lot more but I hope this is enough for someone to give an opinion on whether it sounds like I have this right. What should/can I do. Am I a control freak. I never want to put anyone through what I've had to put up with or inflict bad genetics on potential children etc.
