Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

When I was 6 yo, my mom had a set of twins, but they had some birth defects.  One just had a clubbed foot, but the other had been born w/o part of his intestines.  From birth until about age 1, he had a colostomy.  After that he had multiple surgeries to fix the problem, but was fecally incontinent until age 10. 

In addition to his physical abnormality, he also had behavioral problems.  He has ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD).  His ADHD is "controlled" through medication, although he still makes bad judgments and has a hard time thinking through his actions.

The boys are college age now.  The twin with the behavioral problems is a bully and can't seem to take accountability for his actions.  The two were enrolled in classes together, but he just blew it off and copied off the other twin.  They also work together, and that's hard, b/c the place they work has this policy that everyone finishes together and leaves together.  Well, the problem twin finished, and his trainer tells him to leave, so instead of talking to the manager to see what else he could do, he just left.  Now, he doesn't have a car, so he uses his cell to call mom.  When mom arrives, she asks where his brother is.  So the problem twin decides he's going to force the other one to go.  He started knocking on the drive-thru window, and calling him on his cell, just being very disruptive in general.  His brother had to ignore him to finish his work, and when they left he told the other one that the manager was really mad at him.

 

Long story short, the (I'll call him "problem twin' b/c i don't want to use his real name) is sabotaging his brother.  He can't get anything done w/o his brother acting like a maniac and trying to manipulate him so he can just scrape by with the bare minimum.  It's a shame he's doing this, and I hate to see my brother suffer thru this.

As soon as you mentioned "Rough wiping" to your mother you essentially said "I believe there is a possibility you have mistreated your Grand daughter".  I don't blame her for saying she will only see your daughter if you are present - why would she accept any shows of "good faith" since all they will do is put her in the position of possibly being accused again?  Assuming she's also been told of your wife's sexually abusive past I'm not surprised she made 2 and 2 equal 4 and come to the correct conclusion that it wasn't just rough mistreatment she was suspected of but sexual abuse.  An email and a card sent when you think she should have calmed down just don't cover the fact that for her own self-protection she now HAS to make sure she is not alone with her grand daughter again.  Telephone her and ask her to let you know when she feels up to accepting your personal apologies.

 

It's significant to me that your siblings seem to be weighing in on your mother's side rather than sitting on the fence in horrified silence or recalling odd pieces of your mother's previous behaviour.  (Your father, just like you, will support his wife through thick and thin.)  Borderline personality disorder seems a bit strong but maybe there is some grain of truth in the accusations of manipulation etc your mother has thrown out about your wife.

 

Bear in mind that I'm no expert.  However the explanation for your daughters behaviour might be that she does not like her routine disrupted and takes some time to settle back down if it happens.  I suggest this because at around a year old my husband's niece resisted him giving her a bedtime bottle to the extent that she had to be handed back to her mother, who was in the same room.  Personally I think that happened because my brother-in-law and his wife were so over-protective and rigid about routines that it was almost unknown for anyone other than them to give bottles, change nappies or go to the child when she cried.  We were occasionally allowed a 2 minute cuddle but basically they weren't comfortable with us doing anything other than admiring the baby from a distance.

Hello all, this is for anyone who may have some experience in this area.  My mother and I don't have much of a relationship going on right now.  I love her but feel that she is hurting my kids with some of the stuff she's doing.  I've talked to her about it but she ignores me.  I had to tell her that it just wasn't acceptable anymore and I had to see a change in her behavior before we could work on having any kind of relationship again. 

 

I  respect her postion in my life as my mother. However, the last time I had a conversation with her I literally wanted to hang myself.  I had to go find my husband and look into his face in order to keep myself from doing it.  She disapproves of me...not what I do...but me as a person.  I don't know why...I forgive her and love her but I just can't do it anymore.  I had to move on.

 

Anyway, about 18 months ago I broke it off with her. She has irrevocably damaged my children with some of the things she has done.  She has told them that I am a bad person, that I don't love them ect.  They have also overheard her talking to other people about me and saying some really awful stuff.  I don't really care about it on my part but kids listen to EVERYTHING.  They've absorbed alot of her opinions and think that I don't deserve respect from them or anyone else. 

 

My mom keeps writing me letters.  I don't read them or answer them.  I let my husband read them for me.  I keep hoping that there is something in them to indicate that she's had a change of heart or attitude.  Even though I don't read them just seeing one in the mail box leaves me physically exhausted.  My husband has had enough.  He wants her to stop any type of communication altogether.  

 

If someone has dealt with a similar situation please post your story and how you handled it.

 

Thank you! 

 

Hi Furball-

 

Please get and read, "Toxic Parents," by Dr. Susan Forward.  I think you will find answers to your questions in the book.  You will probably  find most of your gene-pool represented here and validation for how you are handling the situation with your mother.

 

When I first picked up the book, at Goodwill (!! ), it literally fell open to a chapter entitled, "You don't have to forgive."  As I read a bit I realized that what the Dr. said is true:  accountability must preceed forgiveness.  For me, that involved thought proccesses rather than a confrontation with my aging father before I could forgive him for past issues.

 

 Clearly, your mother is toxic to you for whatever reason.  Jealousy could be an issue.  Maybe because she cannot control you any more, she hates that and is punishing you through your kids. Yikes!

 

Again, please read the book.  I send you my best wishes.

 

ssoganty

 

 

 

Thank you for the great suggestion.  I bought the book "Emotional Blackmail" and found that to be very helpful so I'm looking forward to reading "Toxic Parents."  Just to say...I really do love my mom.  I don't hate her or blame her but I do want her to be accountable for her actions. 

 

Now that you've mentioned it I can see that she really is punishing me through my kids.  They have always had a close relationship with her and she has done alot of things to try and make them "like" her more and "like" me less.  I have to say that as petty as it all sounds she has succeded.  Kids respond to money and pressure and she has used alot of both.  She even got up in court, at my divorce hearing, and testified against me to try and help my ex-husband win custody of my kids.  I'm not an alcoholic  or drug addict or anything.  I just don't always agree with her so she retaliates.

 

I knew from an early age that she didn't like me...she told me straight out, "I have to love you but I don't like you",  so there is no guessing about how she feels about me.  I've just never figured out why she didn't like me  but, I sure did give her alot of ammunition as I got into my early teens.  Believe me, I acted out, big time. Anyway, I've worked through alot of issues and I'm much healthier emotionally than I  used to be. I will keep moving forward.  Thank you again! 

 

I just found "Toxic Parents" on Ebay!!!  Thanks for the advice.  :)

 

Hi Furball-

 

That is great that you found the book!  It sounds like you have already been doing a lot of the hard work involved in understanding what is going on in your life with your mom. Good for you!  As we know, it is a long and sometimes painful journey, but along the path we find our true selves.

 

Not everyone is happy for us when we make changes to better ourselves, so they may respond in negative ways.  Perhaps this is what is going on with your mom.

 

As an example, when my husband and I bought our first new house, I showed my dad the pictures.  His response as he put the pictures down was, " always wanted a new house, never could afford one."  Talk about knocking the wind out of your sails!!

 

Another good book is, "The Road Less Traveled," by M. Scott Peck.   I keep returning to it as well as "Toxic Parents" when I need refreshers.  I scout at Goodwill on days when the books are 25 cents (!!) and I have picked up bunches... some good, some bad.

 

I'm waving pompoms for you!

 

ssoganty

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's great of you to be so encouraging.  Coming from an extremely disfunctional background doesn't have to be one's legacy for life but like you said, leaving it behind and moving forward is alot of hard work and, more times than not, very painful.

 

OUCH, that was rough about your dad. He was putting his needs before yours definately. I hope you are enjoying that house twice as much now.   :)

 

Believe it or not, the letter that I received from my mother yesterday was one of apology!!!!!  I am shocked...I can NEVER in my whole life remember my mom telling me she was sorry.  Maybe she's making changes too.  I will proceed with caution but one thing I know...if God could change my life He can change anyone.  I'm really looking forward to reading "Toxic Parents" now  because I may be dealing with my mom more and I need to be prepared to set up healthy boundries. 

 

Thank you again.

 

Hi Furball-

 

It is my great pleasure in life to try to give others the "hand up," so to speak. Thank you for validating my suggestion....it warms my heart! 

 

That is sooooooo awesome that your mom wrote a letter of apology!  Amazing!  I know you are on the right track to proceed with caution, but I'm sure YOU have broken the cycle with your own changes, so she must also change to have a relationship with you.  You go girl !!

 

ssoganty

 

ps. sold that house...living in another, and off of the proceeds....life is great!

 

 

means yet another one of those family get togethers that there is no way out of. I am dreading it and as each year comes and goes I start to feel like maybe I need to stop going.

 

My parents have spent the last couple years away during the winter months but now have decided to fly home for Christmas.....not sure if that is good. The lastest thing that makes me feel deep saddness inside is the illness of my grandmother and my parents lack of concern for being here to take care of her. I don't want them around personally but my grandmother needs them and yet they are so selfish and choose to stay away.

Come Monday they are flying in and a week from Saturday is my families get together. I have no desire to be around my parents. None. On top of that when this get together was planned....no one had asked about our schedules and availability. Myself and my daughter do freelance for an area newspaper and are scheduled to work at a game. ALso my husband is working on that particular evening and has no vacation time to take. And the last thing I want to do is go sit among people who are not always so nice without him by my side.

 

I have no idea how I get through another one of these family get togethers. I have done my best to move past all the pain and suffering i have gotten over the years from these people but now am forced to spend time with them pretending to enjoy their company.