Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

You should not feel one ounce of guilt! Your parents can NOT come live with you, and that doesnt make you selfish or heartless; it makes you a reasonable person who is putting her own family first- which is what you should be doing. Your husband and your children are your family now, those are the only people who should be living under your roof. Your parents self indulgence will come back to bite them, not you. You should not have to suffer any consequences for their selfishness. You are doing the right thing!

I want to make this as short as possible, so Ill try to wrap things up in a nut shell. My mom has never really been a mother to me. She and my father raised me, in a home where thier screaming and fighting over everything under the sun was the only constant thing that happened in our home. My dad was always out of work, my mom was always complaining, and if and when they did have money, it never went to any of thier 5 children...me included.  My mother was an only child and still ,to this day, acts like one. everything is about her..always! I never remember her saying she loved me as a child...unless it was in public in some kind of meager act to like like the perfect mother.I have no memories of her spending any time with me, and that is very sad considering Im the only girl in the family. When I had kids, she talked badly about them to other people because they were the center of my attention and I didnt drop everything to go to lunch with her.Her motherly advice to me in raising my children was to "ignore them or let them cry as to not spoil them." (I have tried the opposite approach ,and my kids and I are extremely close.)  She lies like a child to get her way, and I have even seen her have temper tantrums!!1 When she was 40!!! She is so obsessed with getting everything she always wants, that she has eaten herself up to about 300 pounds, has gotten diabetes from these habits, but refuses to change them, no matter how ill she gets. 17 years ago, my wealthy uncle left her and my dad a very hefty inheretance. (Millions).One that he wanted her to share with all of us, and to make sure we were all raised well, and properly educated. Well, each one of us kids got 15,000, and she has lived very well, traveling, buying expensive jewelry, cars, a house,...totally living the great lfie, while we have been nothing but an occassional lunch date with her so that she can feed her fast food addiction. Well, other than the self inflicted diabetes, she is totally healthy and is only 60 years old. She invited my husband and I over to dinner the other night which is soooo not in her charactor to feed us, and thats when it happened. "So, When you finish your basement, what is it going ot look like? " I proceeded to tell her it was going ot be a room for my teenage son ,and a play room for the other kids. She then replies " well, you ought to make the extra room a kitchen"..I knew right them what she was suggesting. My father then says, jokingly, "yeah, we may need to live there in a few years....." As my heart sinks through my chest, my mom cuts my dads laughter off and says " DON! We just may need too! We are running out of money and my health isnt that well!"

I am furious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They had millions of dollars to plan for something like this and they spent it very selfishly on eating out, traveling the world. and not working one day for 17 years, while all of us kids have really struggled and worked very hard, without her help to get where we are......( I have no regrets with hard work comes great rewards) ....However....how in the world can she think that I would take her in and be her personal slave??? I can tell you right now, with her spoiled , and controlling personality...(she is also known as a very good liar...) I will not  live with this woman! Nor do I think it is fair that she would assume that I should take on such a responsibility when I have a family of my own and she isnt even Ill! I am not a heartless person and I am the first to stand up and help those in need, but my mom is not in need! By any means! What do I do on the day she comes knocking on my door and looking for a place to live???? I swear, the outcome would be divorce and the kids moving out. This will NOT work!!!

And is it wrong for me to feel this way? I guess I feel as if she didnt sacrifice anything to raise me, not even an occassional "I love you". why should I have to give anything to her, let alone sacrifice my family harmony in doing so?? Am I wrong to be angry?  

Dear Dr. Phil and others,

I was a single mother who worked hard to raise my three sons. I held two jobs, ran carpools, ran the household, and got them scholarships every summer to attend camp. I look back and wonder how I did it!

I thought my relationship with my oldest son was solid. It was until he married four years ago. Now he is allied with his wife - as he should be. But his wife wants nothing to do with his family. After the birth of their first son she wrote me a letter telling me that I ruined the most important days in her life - her wedding day and the birth of her son. And now I should stop contacting her. "When my son is 18 he can decide whether he wants a relationship with you." Huh? 

Without going in to her reasons, the end result is that I never saw my grandson after the day he was born. And now a second son has been born. I was told about it in a phone call.

How can a loving son make such strange choices? He is living a script that he mis-interpreted when he was yound and without a dad in the house. He denies his sons access to a loving grandmother, and treats me with such disrespect.  He does call me periodically and on the phone tells me he "loves" me. "Mom, you were great. You raised three sons alone. I don't know how you did it?" He doesn't get it.

I am so very confused. I have a wonderful relationship with my middle son's wife, and my youngest son and I are close - he is single. All of them live far from me, and I live alone recreating my life, but wondering if others have these kinds of experiences as the mothers of sons.

Austinmoon

I am with a wonderful man who has the most horrible ex-wife.  They have 2 children who are wonderful most of the time.  They know how to play their mother against their father and she allows this.  We, usually, shrug off what the kids say about their mother. 

The ex really hates me.   She is always degrading my boyfriend and me to them.  I have been investigated twice for abuse on the children on instances that I wasnt even with the kids.  I had a great, clean record, but all her false accusations have tarnished that.  I have a teaching degree, but no teaching jobs, and probably wont get one now ( I work full time as an accounting assistant and enjoy doin that, but it is not teaching little children). 

This woman keeps using the children against my boyfriend.  Both him and I know that we can not control what she does, but it is so hard to put up with her threatening phone calls (to him since I had to go and get a restraining order against her) and yelling at the children.  She is constantly going against the court orders, the one against me and the divorce decree.  The courts do not want to harm the children, but she is constantly emotionally abusing them.  Social Services have been involved, but do nothing because it was across county lines (Wisconsin's social services are divided by counties). 

She is even withholding them on their birthdays, which is against the divorce papers.

We are so frustrated and do not what to do next.  This woman is driving us crazy and there is nothing we can do.

Any and all advice is welcome.

Thanks,

 hello everyone,

   i have this aunt that eveyone in my family is worried about, mind you i'm the youngest and she has sisters and uncles. but anyway she has become the sterotype welfare mom. she is on social services which in itself isn't bad aslong as your trying to better yourself as your on it so that one day  your not using the government as a cluch. but she doesn't work she sleeps all day and her health is bad IE the non activity in her life. she has three daughters 15, 10 and 3. the father of the youngest is around but he has started to push away form her because of her ways.

  her house is a mess!!!! you know that show how dirty is your house? that is what her house looks like! things fall she could give a crap oh and she has two cats imagin that smell!?

as far as the children she could be less involved as if she were an outsider looking in. she treats her oldest as a friend! her daughter mouths off to her as if she were talking to on of her highschool friends, she has realized how uninvolved her mom is and is taking advantage of it and showing out lying dissapearing cutting up in school. but the realtionshiop between me and the 15 year old is cool i realized she need someone to tlak to someone to say that was wrong and how to fix it. but unfortunately i'm not her mom.

  the 10 year old has a developmental issue that can be handled with the correct disapline, which she has none that little girl just does what she wants she raises herself.. her mother my aunt is constantly yelling at her now yea her daughter needs medication to calm herself and needs to be checked on every once in a while but my aunt doesn't know how to handle a child with her needs.. truthfully the girl just needs an activity to do to burn off steam.

  the 3 year old has one friend her MOM she has no outside activity with children her age oh sorry except my daughter whose 11mons old and a little more advanced than her! but she keeps this 3 yr old home a sleep with her all day now she doesn't want to take the baby to day care because she's afraid of something sexual happening to her.. what ever!! but that fine everyone has there reasons.. but she doesn't school her daughter to be ready for school when she does go..she doesn't talk much beacuse she has the pacifier in her mouth constantly. she home learning nothing! but to be lazy, she has no socialization with children her age she's afraid to be wihtout her mother and no one like to watch her because she's so needy.

  now more on the mother (sorry so long ) she doesn't want to go to work because she feels that her daughter the youngest could be sexually abused at daycare. And because basically the system is helping her and she's getting child support why work?!! she gotten so depressed that you can feel it when you walk into her house.. it's eire! and since she's sooooo depressed her feeling are falling onto her children. she doesn't cook healthy meals it's either they eat out or hamburger helper and she wonders why shes always sick... she sleeps al day and is up all night....now imagin the houses sleeping habbits! she sleeps with lights and tv's on ok ok the light has been shut off just recently so imagin the fears these kids have and why they can't sleep at other peoples houses because of the habbits they have learned. she is also very passive with the oldest ' oh she will learn' the baby father that is now presant she feels he should take care of her but she has nothing to offer him he feels over whelmed with the things he sees. he tired to say something about it in the begging but she is so defensive about her children her house and herself that he eventually just drifted away.

  she is so quick to defend or to tell you your wrong about yourslef that she doesn't see your point. that's more of the reason why the family hasn't said anything. because they know it's going to be an arguement and she won't talk to use for a while. the thing is this isn't a new problem it's been since the olest daughter but now it's gotten rediculous. she used to be so lively and she wirte or shoud i say wrote beautiful poetry she went out at least twice a week now church is her only outlet. me and her use to be so close now i just get mad when i'm around her i don't show it but i'm really hurt and upset of who she's become...

  and basically what i'm asking is hoooooooooooowwwwwww in the world do you tell someone there messing up!!! and that there actions are not only affecting them but their family! beacuse she trying to get use to intervine in with her oldest problems when that's her duty as a mom we should just have to help everyonce in a while to reinforce the issue. help please someone i don't want this to keep on.

  signed the worried neice