Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

This is my first post on here, so I'm hoping you guys can help me out.  I'll try to keep the story short. 

A year ago, myself, my fiance, and our daughter moved from Indiana to Arizona.  At Christmas, my mom came out to visit and told us her work had slowed way down and she was really struggling financially.  We ended up sending her money to help out and ultimately paid for her to move from IN to AZ so she could live with us.  The deal was we didn't expect her to pay anything towards rent, utilities, etc., until she got a job and back on her feet.  It's now 5 months later, she has had a job for 4 1/2 months and has yet to contribute to anything (she pays her own bills).  My fiance is the only one working out of our family (I'm a full-time college student) and makes a pretty nice income.  I've asked my mom to help contribute at least to groceries and her reply: "You would have to buy food regardless of whether or not I lived here."  This is true, however, she buys stuff that only she can eat (lunch, etc.) and eats our food whenever I cook.  She has bought food in the past but only for something like dinner that night or will hide it and not share.  There have been times that I haven't cooked and she will complain or go get food for herself.  We'll go out to eat, she'll order 3 courses, and then not contribute towards the bill.  It's getting so tiring.  Plus, to make matters worse, I found out she has a nice hefty amount in her savings account yet complains all the time she's broke and can't give us anything for bills.  If it wasn't for us funding everything, #1 she would be back in Indiana living out of a box and #2 she would go without anything here!    

I'm really starting to feel resentful towards her about this whole thing.  We're trying to save up to buy a house and I get the feeling that she is just mooching off of us and taking advantage.  I don't want there to be any hard feelings because after all, she is my mother and one of the 2 people I have left in my family. She doesn't make enough to move out on her own, so kicking her out really isn't an option.  But, I'm going to lose my mind if I can't get this resolved.  Every time I try talking to her about it she gets defensive.  It's causing a strain on us financially since everything but rent has gone up since she's been here.  Am I wrong in my expectations of her?  Has anyone else been through this before?  I've even considered counseling to at least get an objective 3rd party's opinion.  I feel like a prisoner in my own home.  Does she think that because I'm her daughter that I somehow owe her and should be obligated to her? 

Thanks in advance for any helpful advice.     

Hey Dani, really tough situation to be in, when it comes to parents or close relatives taking advantage. You said that you are starting to get resentful, wondering how your spouse is feeling as the primary bread winner?

The blunt truth of the matter is that your mom is being selfish and seriously inconsiderate of the needs of the rest of the family.

Having laid out the expectations for after, when she got employment and had a steady income, she need to follow through with those expectations.

No, she may not be able to move out immediatly, but the possibility of her moving in with a room mate is not out of the question. If she is more comfortable staying with you and your spouse then she needs to realize mother or not she needs to be a contibuting member of the family not someone who is abusing the "rights" of familial bonds.

Best to get a clear picture of how your spouse feels about the situation, I'm sure he is not feeling all lovey dovey about this, if you are feeling pressure, stress, and resentments yourself.

After having a heart to heart with your spouse, speak with your mother and let her know that the expectation that she is going to be a contributing member of the family still stands.

If she uses defensive behaviors to deflect the issue, don't let her.

Let her know that you love her very much, but the strain of not having one member contributing to the household is making things very difficult and is unfair.

If she throws back that you would have to buy food use water and electricity and what not even if she wasnt there, the counter argument could be yes mom, but we could also have someone who is contributing to the food, and utilities and rent , so it would not be a burden.

She may get angry, more possible since you said she uses defensive behaviors to avoid constructive discussions. However, you really need to discuss this with her, before it begins affecting your partnership with your spouse.

Let me know how things go for you and I wish all the best for you in resolving this issue with your mom.

HUGS

Tammy

The best decisions are always the hardest to make... So you make them and get on with life.... It too shall pass away...

In the opposite, my daughter moved in with me and my husband.... almost everything else you stated about your mom was the same, except happening with my adult daughter. She contributed no funds to anything, took over my home, my computer and even went through my personal things. She began to cause a rif between me and my husband and worse of all she began to get in our personal marriage business.  She was pregnant as well and tried to dump a guilt trip of me.... saying she has no one to turn too.. etc...

I got her out of our home and our lives. Not as harsh as it sounds... this is how I did it.

I wrote her a letter and slid it underneath the bedroom door... Basically it gave her too options, to either contribute to the bills by paying such and such, or move... I gave her the choice... She took the choice to move... hence I didn't throw her out....

I gave her two options, that's it...

You see ladies.... never allow anyone into your home with you and your man, husband or fiance'. Two women, wheither cousins, mother, or daughter can not live under the same roof in most cases. Nevertheless, it's your house and what you say goes...

Never keep people in your life who constantly make withdrawals from you...take, take, take...

Stay friends with those who make deposits, give, give, give....

No matter how it may feel when you first step to your mother and lay down the law in your home,  It Soon Shall Pass. and life will go on....

Sincerely

Thank you both for your advice.  I have talked about many times with my fiance and he thinks it needs to change as well.  He is feeling the pressure of having to feed and house all of us, especially an adult that is not even his family member.  He knows that my mom and I are very close (I am an only child) and she had nowhere else to go, but now it's getting out of hand.  He's offered to take some of the pressure off of me and talk to her himself, but I'm not sure how that will go over either.  I feel really bad about this whole situation because I know that she doesn't have anywhere else to go.  She thinks that if she "helps" out around the house like babysitting for our daughter and cleaning the kitchen that it somehow relieves her of any financial obligations.  Yes, it's nice, but that doesn't pay the bills and put food on the table.  I wish I didn't feel so guilty about this.  

Hey Dani, if you are feeling guilty about this it is probably because you are a caretaker, however, your caretaking has gotten to the point were it is affecting the well being of you and your spouses happiness, security and over all well being.

for a lot of women standing up for what is right for us is really really hard, since we have been socialized to be "caretakers". However, it can be taken to extreems and we begin sacrificing our own sense of well being and rights to ensure that the boat does not rock to much. It does not work hun, that is why you are feeling resentful, and feeling guilty because you do feel resentful.

A catch 22 I suppose.

As for your mom not having any were to go, with a little dilegent looking I am sure that she and you can find a decent place she can afford, even if it means rooming with another single woman. If there is a will there is a way is a catchy phrase, but it is true too, lol, hopefully you are not like me and get exasperated with phrases lol.

the poster that shared her way of dealing with the situation is very sound, and I would try the letter rought first, at least she will know exactly what the discussion is going to be about, and since there are only two options she will know that your backbone is not spagettie lol.

When you shared that your spouse was willing to talk with her my first reaction was, awww what a sweetie, lol, but yea it is best if it comes from you first, and in the even it turns into a impasse, then have your fiance back you up.

Your fear that this will cause a rift between you and your mom, well she may get angry, but you are her only child so it works both ways, I amsure the relationship with you is just as important to her, as yours with her is to you.

Let us know how things go, rooting for you!

HUGS

Tammy

No, your mom is not toxic... she is your mom and that's that....

It is not nice to pick favorites in the family, but face it, many people have a favorite brother, sister cousin and so on even if we don't admit it.

You and your children are clearly not your mom's favorite...

But listen, you should not get upset because of of who your mother places in her will. That's her business, her house and her will. Generally, a will should be private and no one should know about the details until after the person dies.... But, now you know and you should not be upset about it and punishing your mother over it because of a decision she made about her own real property.

You are not entitled to receive anything from your mother. It is her property. She can give it to anyone or donate it to a non profit organization or back to the state. It's her decision, just like it was your decision not to send her a card, of which I don't think she cares about.

Now go on, get upset because we all would be, cry it out, stomp the floor and scream at the sky, it will not change your mother. She is who she is and her favorites are her favorites.

Now send her that card and move on.... 

Don't let your heart be troubled (humilated). Accept it, love her in spite of herself.

She is your mother, you only get one......

Sincerely

My answer, YES

You were the point person.... meaning, your mother called you and you took her to the hospital... there was no "taking over" your dad just arrived.... Once he arrived, you were now free to make that call.

You know your brother, you grew up with him... you know he likes to be informed... that's the man in him... he wants to take on some responsibility and be able to be there in a time in need, that's all.

You nearly, unintentionally robbed him of that by not informing him.

An easy fix...  Just keep him informed, don't argue about it... Say...

Sorry bro.... I didn't mean it... etc... in the future... I will be sure call you right away...  All is well and it will be back to normal...

Easy fix....

Sincerely

Unfortunately, their is an end in sight.... eventually, your mother will die from one of her ailments.

Don't  be sad or depressed. Be happy for her that the Lord will soon take her home away from and out of all of her Ailments.

Take this time to get to know your mother... Ask her questions about her mother's mother's mother.... your father's father's father and cousins and how life was for her.... Learn about her happy times, especially since you were adopted....  Write it down, get pictures of the past from your mom.... You will love having these things...

Kiss your mom, comb her hair, make little pony tails.... tell her about your life... tell her you love her...

Tell her you forgive her.... laugh with her, watch a comedy and do her nails...

Man, if my mom was still with us... I would do all of those things and more...

Please don't be sad,,,, JOY COMES IN THE MORNING.

It's theraphy, and its free...

Sincerely

By asking of someone to be HAPPY that the "Lord will soon take her home away from and out of all of her Ailments"...you're expecting that someone be denied a natural process of life...TO GRIEVE. There aren't a whole lotta people in the world who can lose someone they love (even though it may be a difficult relationship to maintain) without grieving that loss.  There is COMFORT to be found in the knowledge that someone might be "home" with their God at the time of their passing. But that's it. Comfort.

Sadness is inevitable...nothing "theraphy" about it.