Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

There is something I do not understand about my son's father.  We were married for three years.  He cheated on me with a woman at work.  During our separation he moved in with her and lived with her for two years, as we worked out the details of our divorce.  I remained celibate and I did not date while I was still married, even when we were separated.  As soon as the divorce was finalized, my ex-husband failed to meet me for his visitation weekend with our son.  I found out after about eight months that he had moved to Houston with his girlfriend and that he was drinking, something he never did when we were married. 

 

When our son was 4, about a year later, he came to see him.  He told our son he loved him and that he would call him and come see him again, but he didn't. Three years later I found him again, for child support reasons.  We went back and forth to court for a year before he even asked to see our son.  When he did ask to see him, he never called.  He just wrote me an email telling me something had come up and he was not able to make it.  Now our son is 11.  My son's father contacted him through myspace.  He sent him some emails and even called him on his cell phone to wish him a happy birthday (first time in nine years.)  It has been a month and he has not communicated with our son. 

 

My son doesn't care, at least it doesn't seem like he does because he has not responded to any of his dad's emails and he has not called him.  I don't really care either, because there is nothing I could do to change the past.   I just wonder why a man would behave this way.  What causes a man to abandon his child, when he had a relationship with him for the first three years of his life. 

 

What makes this situation unique is that my ex-husband has maintained a relationship with the two children he had with is first ex-wife all these years.  He has told them that I am the reason they  have not seen their little brother, and they hate me.  In the past when I have given him our phone number and email address, he has stated that he couldn't find the information and that is why he never called or contacted us.  My analysis is that my ex-husband is narcissistic and when I stopped feeding his narcissism, then he disowned me and our son.  Or maybe he did this because he felt guilty for cheating on me, abusing me, and lying to me.  I did not respond to his behavior towards me with revenge.  Maybe it is because he felt threatened that I would tell his kids the truth, that he abandoned our son, like I did with his mistress.  I also wonder why he turned to drinking and drugs.  Was it mid-life crisis?  He was in his late 30's at the time.  Since we divorced, he has only shacked up with women who will take care of him.  Women that own their own homes, own their own cars, etc.  Though he is an engineer, he has nothing to show for it.  I am also curious about his behavior in another sense.  He and his first ex-wife had a daughter together.  She was born with cystic fibrosis.  These two adults have always used her illness to gain the sympathy of others.  My ex- every time we went to court would throw something in about his daughter with CF, even though she wasn't sick.  His ex-wife did that same thing once when a lawyer friend of mine called her to try to find out where he was hiding.  Are they both narcissistic?

Not much has changed in my family situation.  The sister who has comprised my happiness all my life is no longer on speaking terms with me, when I call over to her home to talk to my mother (who lives there), her rudeness and coldness is ever so apparent over the phone.  My mom's attitude is horrible as well, she's still trying every tactic to make me feel utter guilt for not taking her in. She's making me feel as if her entire happiness (ir lack there of) is depended upon me. The sister has the entire family thinking I'm some cold hearted b*tch or the "one with all the problems".  Just now, I got off the phone with my oldest sister and she said something that really hurt me, she told me, "I don't know why she is acting this way towards you.  Maybe she just doesn't like you."  I know I shouldn't care, so what if she doesn't LIKE me.  I LIKE me.  I don't have any other enemies in my life, people who know me like me.  So what?  That's HER problem.  But deep down, I feel horrible.  Why?  I haven't done a thing to this woman.  Nothing.  I've always been there for her, even took her and husband once on vacation with me.  Why? With the holidays approaching, with my mom living there with her... it's a mess  I know everyone on here told me to "expect" this, to expect things to get worse before they get better (IF they ever get better) but right now, I feel like an outcast.  I want to distance myself from my mom but she guilts me so bad. If I don't call her every few days, she leaves me messages on my answering machine, "Where are you?  I am still your mother, you can call me!"   This control thing has got to stop.  Or I'm really going to crack here.  Most days it takes every effort to get through it with the way my family is acting.

Thanks for listening!

 I don't even know where to start. I will just give the history of my situation and lead into the present. When I was 12 years old my mother and my father's relationship took a change for worse, atleast from what I could see it changed or maybe I was just old enough to see it for what it is. At the same time that is when me and my mother's relationship changed, but before I mention how it changed I would like to point out the fact that I was very close to my mother until 12, and things that affect an adult affect a child differently. Any way, my mother began to call me a trouble maker, the devil, she would take holy water and "lay hands on me(I wanted to be a preacher)," I remember one time she was crying and I went to comfort her after my parents had an argument and she told me I loved the confusion. Also on more then enough occasions I would goto tell my mother good night and she would run through a list of everything I did wrong that day. In her defense she would also tell me I was handsome, smart, inteligent, and that I could be anything I wanted but three hours later she would tell me how I was going to end up in prison like my two cousins. My father he wasn't as bad as my mother but he did hit me offten and seemed to agree with my mother when I was 15 he punched me in the private and began to choke me on the ground. I hold a lot of bitterness towards my mother. To this day she has kicked me out and forced me to live with my girlfriend, but she blames my girlfriend for our relationship. She also blames my grandmother, uncle, and a few of my cousins. She blames everyone but herself. I am lost. Also why does she hate my girlfriend so much? Also do I have a right to be bitter?

There is much more rubble in the train wreck than I thought at first and it is going to be harder than I thought to climb out of it all. My mother and step-father are very wealthy, high profile individulas, who no one would believe live like they do behind closed doors. They support each others alcoholism, drug dependency, and destructive behavior but everyone who works with them or lives near them would believe that they are successful, wonderful, people. They do not have many close friends at all. The friends they do have do not know this story. There have been times that I have woken before momentarily and tried to say something..tried to DO something but my efforts were always greeted with an attack on myself. My oldest son who is now nearly 9, noticed my Mother's overly aggressive drunken behavior one evening when we were visiting their home. My son was 5 or 6 at the time this occurred. My mother was trying to show me something on her computer but my son wanted my attention and was repeatedly saying "Momma" despite my patient attempts to have him wait a moment. He was just being a little boy. Patience is a virtue. My mother literally pushed him aside and yelled "I'm getting the attention right now you little brat." She was well into a very large bottle wine and it was only about 6:30pm. She was slurring her words and getting really loud. I took my son and left as quickly as I could without letting her know that I was really angry because if I had (and this has happened many times before) she would have become violent and I wasn't about to have that in front of my son. In the car on the way home my little boy asked me from the back seat, "Momma, why does Mimi act mean and sleepy sometimes? I don't like it when she does that." I had to try to explain to my little boy that Mimi has a problem and that I know she is not always nice. I later tried to talk to my mother about this and in the most constructive sort of way, but she became very angry and was suddenly the victim. I was attacking her and I was just trying to be mean and I was being abusive...right.

There was an incident where she and my step father were drinking and left together in their Blazer. I was separated from my husband at the time and my son was about 3 years old. They offered to let us stay with them while I got my feet on the ground and got my real estate license in a new city. I knew better but they lived in a 6 bedroom mansion on the bay and I thought we might be able to make it through a couple of months without an "episode." That was me telling myself what I have always wanted to believe: That she might miraculously become her potential and get better...this however, is NOT the reality.

Anyhow, my son and I were both sleeping when I heard a car horn beeping..a long beep like someone was either holding their hand on it or like there had been an accident and someone had passed out on the horn. I looked out the window and saw the blazer in the driveway. It was slightly illuminated by the front porch light. The passenger door was hanging open, one of my mother's shoes was laying on the ground nearby , the lights were on and it looked like there was something splattered accross the windshield...blood. Thank God my little boy is such a heavy sleeper because he heard NOTHING of this. I came out of the bedroom and saw my step dad holding his head and heading up the stairs to the bathroom. My mother followed him screaming and ranting like some crazy person. I said "What happened!?" but I already knew. She had attacked me before during one of her drunken crazy nights. She slurred her words and first told me that he had hit her and she was "defending herself." Then she said he hit his head on the front steps because they were fighiting and he fell. She was so drunk and so crazed that she was making up different stories in an attempt to both rationalize her behavior and convince me that she was, once again, the innocent victim.Then she started saying that he deserved it and that he was mean to her. I went into the bathroom to check on him and he was bleeding from a cut on his scalp. It was running down his face and over his hand and down his arm making it look especially grewsome. He told me they were arguing over my brother, whom has always been my mother's favorite, whom my mother has never allowed to have any consequenses, and whom is now in jail for nearly murdering his girlfriend, whom my mother has hired yet another lawer for. I feel very badly for my little brother. He was exposed to so much so early..different things than me but just as damaging.

Some of those things are my fault. He was left in my care most days as a teenager and I was messed up, rebellious, and hurting. I was stealing from every store I could and sometimes Peter was with me. I started smoking cigarettes at 15 and Peter was with me. He learned a lot from me and he later told my mother some of this whothen used it as a tool to manipulate and took that as an opportunity to blame me for everything that is wrong with him. I did feel guilty for a long time about exposing my little brother to those things but my question has always been, "Where was she?" I was a child too. Why on earth weren't we in counciling and why were we not being supervised by someone if she couldn't be there? I have apologized several times to my brother over the years for what I did and how I contributed to his problems but he is an adult now and needs to learn to be responsible for his actions and stop blaming me and our mother for every law he breaks or bad thought he has or drug he takes. Part of the problem is that he knows our mother will come and rescue him. He too has a very unhealthy relationship with her unfortunately I think it may be too late for him. I think he may have a serious chemical imbalance or something else as a result of years of drug use. He hates me because I refused to allow him around my children a few years ago and told him that I loved him but until he could stop being so hurtful and stop bringing drama to my life I would have to love him from a distance. And I do. But I am also very afraid of what will happen if this lawyer is able to get his trial dismissed and he gets out of jail. He has told my mother on a few different occasions that he has a list of people who he plans on "taking care of" and I am on that list. I have asked my mother not to discuss me or my children with Peter but she continues to do so. She likes to get him upset so that he says threatening and awful about me and then she likes to tell me what he said. I never give her a response and I try not to feed into that but it still hurts and she still does it time after time. I feel hate for her and did as a child at the same time I feel like a bad person because a daughter should not feel that way about her mother. Then I get mad because I feel like I shouldn't have to feel this way at all and it is her fault as well as mine.

I have nothing here in Virginia. Just me and my boys. I have my real father whom I met for the first time a few years ago in New Mexico. I learned that he is not the monster my mother always made him out to be and I figured out that she was just playing the victim again in response to a situatin she did not want to accept any responsibility for. She always said he was a drug addict and that he cheated on her and beat her. I had to know for myself. I recognized him instantly when I got off the plane in El Paso, TX. We both cried. His eyes, the shape of the nose that we share, and something about his demeanor all felt like home. Going against my mother's wishes and threats of disownment was the very best thing I could ever have done. When I turned 30 I woke up and knew I NEEDED to find him. I knew I needed to learn more about myself through meeting him. We have a good relationship. I learned where I got my interest in animals and science and where my son and I got our sweaty feet. I felt almost whole. New Mexico is where I am going. I think I am not running but simply leaving behind a farce I helped my mother create. It is almost as if I helped her in continuing my abuse and I am puzzled by that but hopeful that I am fully awake from that nightimare and that through this writing and the encouragement of my father and friends I may be able to live my life for me and become happy and truly whole for my boys. I am being very careful, however. I have a very dark side that i have battled for years-literally. I thank God that I do not have the chemical addictions of my family but I have other demons. I push people away because I don't trust my own judgement. I don't fear monsters or gohsts but people. I am terrified of relationships and am always suspicious that those who are nice must want something. IT is one of the factors that has kept me in this toxic relationship with my mother. I felt she was all I had when I myself created this isolation. I literally do not know how to make friends. I don't understand appropriate or normal and I DO NOT want to pass that on to my children. I need help but as a Realtor and mother of 2 do not have insurance and with the uncertainty of my financial future-what with the move to New Mexico, I cannot afford counciling. So, I am trying to do the next best thing by reading everything I can on this topic, forgiving myself, and embracing the future and my own decisions. I'm hoping for God's grace too.

 

I am going through all of these things as a reminder. I need to feel this anger and pain so that it will help me to be strong and make these difficult changes. I have not done this before because it is the hard thing to do. It is also the right thing. I think a lot of people know what the right thing to do is but they often choose not to do it because they know it is also going to be hard. I just feel fortunate that I have somewhere to go and someone I can depend on.

I would recommend that you attend AlAnon meetings and ACOA meetings(Adult Children of Alcohoics).  Both 12 step programs helped me tremendously.  You will hear stories similiar to yours, some even worse and those people will give you strength and determination to no longer be a victim but a survivor.

 

It is very common for children of alcoholics to have those same demons you stated.  I had them as well.  My parents were suppose to be "safe".  I learned early on that I had to play the mother role as well and did th best that I could with what I had.   Trusting other people and taking risks with my emotions, forming healthy relationships were almost foreign to me.  But with the help of the programs and educating yourself on the disease called alcoholism you can and will overcome your "fears" in time. 

 

Stop blaming yourself, you were a child.  You did what you did to survive and to get attention from your mom (even though it was negative attention) .  You had no voice and no say in what was going on behind closed doors but now you do.  Prove to youself that you will not be a victim of this insidous disease which ruins families and lives.  Reach out and ask for help and guidace, get a sponsor in the program nd wok it.  Research the disease, you will learn that children of alcoholic families suffe the most and will continue to suffer until they get help.  You are not alone.  I got through the depression, panic attacks, isolation and grew to be a good person with my sanity still in tact and so can you!  Not an easy road but you just took your first step.   Sandy

Hi Laura-

 

They  just don't give up, do they? 

 

I think you said that you read "Toxic Parents???"

 

Have you had a chance to look for support groups?  I attend one for Elder Caregivers, although I am not one. I do deal with several elders on occasion and it is helpful to discuss issues with others. In my area there are groups for dozens of different issues.  It really helps to know that you are not alone with what you are going through.

 

I am wondering why you are talking to "them" so often when it distresses you so  much?  Wait.  Let me guess..... Guilt?  STOP IT RIGHT NOW! 

 

You could screen your calls, or be detached when you talk.  Be on guard, and proactive with a reason to cut a conversation short if you must have one at all.  You can talk till you're blue in the face and they won't 'get it."  You already know that, though.

 

Please continue to try keep them at arms length. I know it isn't easy because this is new behaviour for you, but you can do it and you must do it for your own sanity and peace of mind.

 

This week I will deal with another person that is trying to glom onto me.  (Am I made of Velcro?)  She is sure we are 'kindred spirits,' but she also wants me to room with her on a trip I don't want to go on. 

Luckily, she barely had the words out when I realized what was up.  I'm finally learning to pay attention!!

 

Laura, keep on trying.  I honestly know it isn't easy...but it is so worth it !

 

Best wishes!

 

ssoganty

 

I believe that I am just now waking up to the fact that  I have toxic people in my family. I may not have realized it yet, had it not been for my fiancee.
I have always lived with my Mother, who will be the subject of this post. She has been disabled since she was a young teenager. She left an abusive husband, with kids in tow, when I was about 10. I had a happy childhood, despite my Mother's financial difficulties.
I dropped out of school to get a job at age 17 to help my Mom with the financial burden. At the time, my older sister and her 1 yr old daughter were still living with us, as well as my younger brother.
Four years or so later, My Mom and I decided to move out of the house, because we couldn't stand living with my sister's new boyfriend. She had moved him in, and he was a bit of a tyrant. She had had another baby, a boy, and was pregnant with her third. My Mom, my brother, and myself moved into a 2 bedroom apt. and lived there for five years.
Fast forward to the present. A lot of other stuff in between, but the problem at hand is this...
My Mother has five children. I have been the only one of the five to take care of this woman for about 24 years. Her mobility has declined, slowly through the years, and she now requires care round-the clock. About 3 yrs ago, my boyfriend (soon to be husband), and I bought a house together. He accepted the idea of my Mom living with us, and so that's what we did.
Shortly before settlement on the house was over, my niece asked if she could live with us, too, because she was having trouble with her Mom. We discussed it, and at my Mother's prompting, said ok. I  offered her free board until she could get her job etc. going. She asked my fiancee and I if her boyfriend could stay with her, because his family was moving to another state, and he had no place to live. We stupidly agreed, but did ask for board from him. After we moved in, my younger brother, who was having marriage troubles, came to stay, too. Unfortunately, he had developed a severe problem with alcohol, and smoked quite a bit of marijuana. he was about to be divorced. We asked him to pay board, and to refrain from drinking or bringing illegal drugs into our home.
Things quickly spiraled out of control, needless to say. My nieces' boyfriend became my brother's "party buddy". Now I had two alcoholics in my house, as neither of them refrained from drinking in my house. Neither of them payed board, because neither of them bothered to work. My brother had a job for about three weeks at first, but then decided why work when other people can pay for me?
One day, I told my Mom that I couldn't take it any more, and it had to stop. Her response was, "But they have no place to go." She told me it would be mean to kick them out. So, I decided to try to reason with them. My niece's boyfriend told me point blank that he had no intention of ever working IN HIS LIFE because he could just live with other people. My fiancee told him he had to leave shortly thereafter. My niece threw a fit, saying that we were horrible, etc. and went to see her Mom. I talked to my sister about it, and she told my niece that she was no longer welcome at my house, and she should come home. That's what she did, and then my Mom told me how mean we were.
My brother moved into the room where my niece used to be. I guess he figured since it was more private there, he could smoke pot in there, and not be caught. Well, the smell of pot began permeating the house. When I came home from work one day, my house smelled like "Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke". I threw a fit, and my Mom told me I was over-reacting.
A year after my brother moved in, I had three cars in front of my house that did not run, as a direct result of drunken driving. I could not keep him off the road, I could not stop his drinking or smoking. I talked to him repeatedly about it, all to no avail. At the end of our ropes, my fiancee and I asked him to leave, My Mom went off the deep end.
How dare we do that to him? He was having trouble, and we should help him. We are selfish. I am mean.
He let my Mom and me stay at his house before. (To which I replied, "Yes, but I went out of my way NOT to cause trouble for him or his wife.") She told me over and over how mean and selfish I was.
Finally, after being berated for about a week, I said to her, "Well, I think my brother was being mean and selfish to me. How come you didn't lay into him for it?" He was having trouble, was her reply. I should help him. My Mother is mad to this day that I threw him out.
Since that time, my niece and that boyfriend have split, she is going to college, now. I hate to admit it, but she is staying with us again, free of charge. My Mom pulled that one on me, too.
I have stopped working outside the home, as my Mom now requires round- the-clock assistance. I am basically on call 24-7 to her. My niece is 25 yrs old. The most she will do to help her Grandmother is get her a drink. I have had back problems on and off for about 5 years. About 2 months ago, my back went out. It made it very difficult to help my Mother in and out of bed, onto the toilet, etc. (she is a big woman) My niece never offered to help, nor did any of my siblings.
One day, it grabbed me so hard, I yelled in pain. My Mother reprimanded me like a child! "Do you have to yell like that!?" I said, "Yes, I do!" as I fell to the floor. My niece just sat on the sofa, as I laid on the floor, crying for 1 hr until my fiancee came home and helped me up. Needless to say, he wasn't too happy with them.
My Mom was on me to go to the Dr. for my back, so I went. He told me not to lift anything for 7 days, Ha,ha. As if that would happen. I told everyone what the Dr. said, but what was I doing one hr later? Lifting a 300 lb woman out of her chair as my niece watched me, telling me, "You're not supposed to lift stuff, you should call someone to come help you, or get JJ (my fiancee) to help you." The only person to come and help me was my older brother, who stopped by one day at 11:00 pm to help me get her to bed.
My Mom tells me every day that I need to get more exercise because I am out of shape. I need to strengthen my back, she says. She tells me what a terrible housekeeper I am. She calls my ideas for home decorating "stupid". If I am watching a television program that she doesn't like, she will talk through it, all about how stupid it is. I am getting married in October, and she even told me that I would look fat and ugly in my wedding pictures. 
My fiancee says that it disgusts him the way that my family treats me, especially my Mom. I have to say, I never really saw how bad it was until recently. I signed her up for for help with a home health aide. The home health aide is only at my house for 4 hrs a day, but my Mom still resists it. First, she tried getting up extra early, so that I would have to get her up before the lady arrived. Now, she's trying sleeping late, so the health aide and I sit around chatting for two of the four hours. All because she wants ME to do it. She won't let her put her on the toilet. If I say that I am going out, to the store, or what have you, she shoots me the dirtiest look. How dare I. But if my brother, or my niece want me to go somewhere with them, she doesn't mind being alone for 3-4 hours!
She tried to cancel my bridal shower, according to my sister. Because she didn't want to "sit around looking at" my fiancee's family. That's because my fiancee's family feels that he and I are being used.
Basically, she wants me to do what she wants. She has told me with her own mouth that wanting to live my own life is not an option. When I say, "I just want to live my own life, I'm 40!" she will say "Yeah, well, I didn't get to have my own life." I don't see what sense that makes. Sometimes I think she is losing it.
I am trying very hard to make things work in the house, but the tension is so high, now. I don't know what to do. But at least I got to vent it! :)

It is good that you are realizing how toxic your family is- you know that old saying, ‘better late then never.’ It is so true. You’ve tried and tried to help them all have better lives, and you get no thanks. I think that you did the right thing by getting a home health aide for your mom, and I encourage you to be out of the home when the aide is there so that you get a break! Do you have any hobbies/activities/interests that you could engage in during that time? Perhaps it is something that you’ve always had an interest in, but never had the time to do- take this time to indulge yourself! Even if you just go for a walk or go to a quiet spot and read a book; you need to get out of the home so you don’t go crazy. You deserve to do this for yourself. You’ve got to think about it like this, how can you take care of other people if you don’t take care of yourself first?
Those dirty looks that mom gives you- you have to train yourself to become immune to them. So what if she says she “never got to have a life,” she is just trying to make you feel guilty for wanting a happy, healthy home life. That is nothing to feel guilty about!
You are a caring, giving person- you need to give yourself that treatment, too. Be your own best friend.

Thank you very much for your advice, and kind words. I am trying, now, not to fall for the usual guilt trips, etc. It is hard sometimes, to break out of a role I've been playing for years. I am going to assert myself more, and go do some things I haven't done in a while, (like read a book).
My Mother, I know isn't going to like it at first, but she will simply have to adapt and learn that I have my own life, too. I think in the end, we will all be better off... if I survive it, lol

I tried to post where it said to post somewhere in all that colored jumble somewhere....after loading...and loading....and loading....and loading....good thing I have a hi-speed connection so I could at least get here, where ever I am....... Sorry I couldn't oblige and post where you wanted me to. Your "new and improved" site....isn't. ssoganty