Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

Ssoganty,

So pleased to see that you read my post, you know when Dr Phil says at the start of his programme that 'this is a changing day in your life' well it was for me when I came here. I expected to find people in similar situations who might offer some advice but to really get motivated to change by your responses, not just sympathy for my position but real motivational help ' you CAN change  this by doing this and this', it came out of the blue, sometimes you really feel stuck in a situation and hopeless, especially when it's family and you think you owe them something. I was so ill I just didn't realise what it was doing to my body, strange things!! I thought I had a bad throat infection for months but on a visit to a hospital specialist it turned out that it was the throat of someone who was in trauma, which came as a shock, I didn't realise that I was doing that to myself. I think it was you Ssoganty that told me 'you have become your own abuser' which was totally right. I didn't even realise it was happening just getting lower and lower . Anyway here I am now back in control, back in charge of my life with a happy attitude and an interest in doing things again which had stopped, I was just thinking all day before, it was awful like a prison. I just want to give something back on the forum which helped me turn things around. Please have the strength to change what's hurting you, it will be hard at first but you owe it to yourself, YOU are in charge of YOU no-one else is and if they dont like the new improved you then you have to restrict contact or move on even if it is birth family with all their emotional blackmail - that's not love or respect and most of all don't do what I did and make yourself ill over it, they're just not worth it.  Love to all  Claire xx

Hi Claire-

WOW!! Your post is truly amazing about how your illness was actually caused by stress! 

You know, I don't remember where I read that about becoming your own abuser, but you have demonstrated  perfectly that it can happen.  I am so thrilled that you are becoming healthy mentally and physically. 

 BTW, I haven't seen ricschic on here for  a long time.  There were a lot of changes on the board and it frustrated folks, I think.  I hope she is doing well.

Thank you for coming back to the board to let us know of your progress and to cheer others on!

Best wishes always....

ssoganty

Hi Laura and Claire-

All this is so amazing!!  I have in my book notes a quote from "Courage to Change," from Al-Anon Family Groups:  "When the student is ready, the teacher appears," said by Zen Buddists.

We are all learning from each other here, IMHO.  That is the first step...to be aware of what is happening, then we can make the necessary changes to improve our lives. 

Just this week, I had an eye-opener myself.  I believe I suggested support groups to you...I have attended some in the past.  This week, the facilitator made a statement that totally would reverse all my years of slogging through the issues.  "Take the high road" she said.  ( In part....not referring to my situation per se, but a blanket statement which would also involve some denial of facts, which I refuse to do.)  It was late in the session, so I chose to not rebut her statement, but I have also chosen to cease attending.  The gal whom I was cheering on specifically, and I, will meet privately from time to time, however. 

I think the lesson here for me is that no matter what or where, I need to be PAYING ATTENTION to what is going on, what is being said, what people's motives are.  In this case I think she was meaning to impart the idea that you don't want 'guilt' after the person dies, but that is/was the purpose of all my hard work in the first place...to arrive at a point where I was comfortable with my decision to have limited contact with my aging parent. 

Sheesh!  Nothing's easy, is it?  Just when you think you have it handled....Boom!  Another lesson.

Thank you, Laura and Claire for giving me the opportunity to share and to grow here with you!

I send you both my best wishes..

ssoganty

I feel so sad for all that you have endured.

You might want to check out the  board under : Relationships/sex

Then: marriage

Then: abuse.

There are a lot of resources at the top of the page  that could probably direct you to the assistance that you need and desrve.

Good Luck to you!

ssoganty

My mother favored my older sister and brother over me.  My parents celebrated their 63 anniversary before either passed away and they argued day and night all of those years.  Mother didn't like daddy or his family.  Beginning as a child she would tell me I was just like my daddy.  The brother & sister just like her and her side of the family. 

I am 59!  I worked so hard all of my life to receive confirmation from my Mother.  I worked all my life to believe I was equal with my brother & sister in her eyes.  It NEVER came!  And she passed away this year.

All I could say, standing over her casket was "I forgive you Mother"!  And I do forgive her because I do not want to grow older being bitter and angry.  But the scares of lack of self worth is with me and always will be.  I have to know the tools to overcome that each new day.

I want to tell you to talk with your Mother before that time but I know I tried to talk to my Mother and she just would not hear me.  I too had the sister "whispering" in her ear, and pretty sure my brother did as well, for their own good, of course, money was involved and they wanted it.

My evil sister manipulated the situation where I was not even involved in the decision process when Mother passed.  My brother passed in 2005 so it was just us.  It hurt so bad that I decided not to participate in Mother service, but had a private service with my family and friends.  Of course the service that my evil sister "put together" was all about her, not even Mother.  With Mother gone I just couldn't hurt myself any more. 

Sadly!  We CAN NOT change people!  If we could I would have had my Mother to know and tell me what a wonderful child, and adult I was.  I would not let her make me feel less of a child than my siblings.  I would not let her make me feel that I was bad because I was like my daddy.  Who was a wonderful man by the way. 

I regret trying so hard.  I wasted a lot of time (Life) on something that was never going to happen as it turns out.   I guess I could tell you to just "let it go".  Be a good daughter according to what gives you peace inside.  Then AVOID the situation as much as possible! 

I will not be seeking a relationship with my evil sister now that Mother is gone.  Too toxic.  Has been all alone and I just didn't want to accept it.  I choose goodness!  Don't you?  I choose positive!  Don't you?  Life is too short to give yourself to those who will not  appreciate you!  Don't you think?

Hope this has been helpful to you.  It has helped me to express myself.

God Bless!

My homelife was abusive from a young age. Mental and verbal and emotional mostly. I have been punched by my dad. THings ended up being good with us until I married a nice man and my dad lost control of me. My hubby works 80-100 hours aweek, I get to stay home. We have a really nice house. I have 2 children, one from a boyfriend 14 years ago and our toddler who is 3. My 14 yr odl was molested by an ex husband of mine. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. My parents wanted me to NOT press charges on ex husband for the molestation. ARE THEY CRAZY i guess so.

Then when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, they told me it was my fault and if my husband and myself would spend more time with her she would be ok. We live with her so we spend all our time with her...

I had to have her admitted to a psych hospital (not fun for a mom) and my dad said I should be the one who is locked up.

Anyhow things go tso back we stopped talking for about 1 year. I have begun speaking to them again but cannot get past the last couple years of the stuff with my daughter. Whenever I bring her up in conversation and what is going on with her illness they change the subject or tell me to go to schurch. I do go to church and do not get me wrong I believe and have faith. BUT a mental illness just doesn't go away. Why don't they get it,

I try to not talk about my daughter with them and then they say they feel left out. SO then I end up not talking to them at all.

Am I wrong?