Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

I am worried about my husband's brother and his in-laws.

 

Recently my husband had an arguement with his brother's wife and he told her the truth about how he felt about her and the way she was treating her husband and her children. She is always "telling off" her husband and children for doing nothing! Even at social gatherings she gets angry for nothing. If someone else turned the music up on the stereo she would blame him, even though he said it wasn't him but because he denied it, he must have done it. Petty things like that. The worst thing about it is that their kids see them fight all of the time. She doesn't even know how to take care of their children. She had to move back into her parent's house because she couldn't handle looking after their boys. Her mother is always telling her to feed her children. They have a 7 year old and a 1 year old. She doesn't even store food for her 1 year old child. Her mother feeds and bathes her 1 year old. I realise that her husband should be helping out but this all happens when he is at work. She can't even put her baby to sleep. Instead of trying to be patient and put him to sleep she just puts him in his stroller and goes shopping with her sister and walks around hoping that he will fall asleep in the stroller.

She always slaps her husband in the face when he "does something wrong". She slaps him in front on their children and even at dinner one night, she got angry, slapped him across the face and threatened that "if you do that again, I swear to God!", clenched her fist and yelled at him. We were in a very public restaurant.

This is just a few things that she has done. They have been together for 14 years and they say that it is because they have been together for so long which is why they think there is nothing wrong with this. We have tried talking to them on a number of occasions and nothing seems to get through. Even her parents think that there is nothing wrong with how she treats her husband and they way that it is effecting her children. Because we have tried to talk to them we are getting in trouble and they think that we are trying to split them up, we just want them to be in a happy and healthy relationship for the children sake. He is worried that if he leaves her, she will take their children away from him and because my husband has tried talking to her, she has got angry and has banned both of us from seeing their children. We have done nothing wrong against their children, I just think that they know that they are in a bad situation but they want to live in a false hope that everything is okay. I don't think that they are even willing to go to councelling because she thinks there is nothing wrong and it is normal. They have been together since high school and have never been with anyone else, so I really don't think they know what a happy and loving relationship is. I think they might be going by her parents but her father is an alcoholic and even drinks at work! Not a very good relationship to compare with.

Hello,

 

Thank-You for your post.  The thing is, his sister has done something SO WRONG to me, him, and to our relationship....and when he needed to talk about things, all she does is hang up on him...his own sister, was going to throw him out, to move her mother in law in...(which she never did)..and I had, to come out...(drive 400 mi) and find him a place, and I had lead him the money for it..but, it put me in the hole..but, had no choice..it's not like I blame her, just I guess I resent that...and YES, you're right..HE needs to make his choices...but, not when it affect me, that's all I"m saying..and when in a relationship, friends/family needs to be more respectful..otherwise, that's a 'toxic relationships'...

 

d/nature

My son has become a big problem in our house, he has mood swings from overly talkative ( when he wants something) to angry(so you don't ask him to do anything or just ask about his day).  The problem is the doctors diagnosed him with skizophrenia while in a state hospital that is understaffed, where the doctor saw him precisely twice and send him home with pills and that he should see a psychiatrist on a regular basis to help him with his problems and to check on his medication.  He went twice to see the psychiatrist and stopped his pills after a month because they make him feel funny.  He refused to go again.  You see he is over the age where I can force him.  But life with him in our house has become stressed.  We try very hard to live with it, but things just gets to a point someday and starts insulting us again and we crack and it turns into a massive fight. He has tried to stab my husband more than once in the middle of this verbal fights.  We don't know how to fix it so all of us can have a life of some sort.

My so-called sister has, in the past four or five years, decided that she no longer wants anything to do with our family.  It is so bad that my son (who is staying with her because she lives close to his work) can't even tell me where he is staying because she doesn't want the rest of us to know where she lives.  With the holidays coming up, I would love to spend time with him but he only has one day off for Thanksgiving and one day off for Christmas.  We live a considerable distance from where he is and, since I have four days off from work on both holidays, I can't blame him for not wanting to travel all the way to see the rest of the family because that would not be very restful for him.  It also would seem extremely uncomfortable and impersonal to meet him somewhere else near where he is staying.

You see, my sister has, for most of her life, blamed the rest of us for the problems that happened to her (the "chaos and drama," as she puts it) but nothing could be further from the truth.  She has created most of the problems herself by making bad choices in her life.  We were all raised by the same parents (a very loving mother and an abusive father) but none of us has ever considered turning our backs on the rest of the family.  We know that families don't always get along but the important part is that you work through your problems.  A couple of my sisters do it in ways that are not so nice (they get that from my step-dad, may he rest in peace) but my mother and I try to be the calming factors in the family.  Unfortunately, with my sister, if you don't take her side in a fight, you are automatically against her.  That is how this whole thing started.  She got in to a fight with my youngest sister over money that she loaned her and my mother told her it was between the two of them to work out.  Well, that was the last any of us heard from her.

As children, I almost lost her because of some medical problems she had and I remember how hard that was on our family.  A couple of years later (when dad was stationed at El Toro, California), she overheard the adults talking about me being adopted.  Well, the next day she and I had a fight and you know what the first words out of her mouth were?  "I'm glad you're not my real sister anyway!"  I was about 8 years old at the time and that was the first I had ever heard of this.  She got a spanking for it but the damage was already done.  She has just been mean and miserable to me over the years and I am the one who has stuck by her the most.  Now, she has control over my son, to a certain extent, and it is tearing me apart.

I would move closer to my son so he could visit with me but that would mean one h*ll of a commute for me because I work in San Diego while he works in Anaheim. 

There is so much more I could say but I'm afraid I would end up writing a book.  I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the number of times she has caused "chaos and drama" in my life!

Anyway, I don't know that anything can be done about this problem but I needed an outlet for my frustration.  Thanks for taking the time to read this everyone!

 

 So I need some advice. Anything would help really. About five years ago my dad was diagnosed with Frontal Lobe Dementia. Its sort of like alzheimers but has its differences. He lived at home and my mom and I took care of him here until about a year and a half ago. It has been the most tough on me, and I have no idea what to do. I have my own life now, a wonderful Fiancee,l but no family anymore. I express my concerns in an adult manner but no one listens, not my sister, and definately not my mom. I am really hurt by my dad not being here but more so by the fact that no one listens to me and no one takes time to ask me how I am doing. My sister got married last year and now makes no time for family at all. She never sees my dad which I can understand I guess. But she wont even call me to see how I am doing. I am only 22 years old, I gave up everything for nothing it seems sometimes. Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks

You are absolutely right. And not only that, I do believe it is all about having her under my  thumb where she placed herself a long time ago and I felt the "all powerful one". I suppose I feel I've lost some sense of power which kept me above myself.

I do know that I'm having to face some real tough things about myself and I am accepting and dealing with them so that I can, what I believe will happen, be free from feeling too tied down in life.

I also want to be "real" for others. I know how I feel when someone isn't real with me. Nothing is edifying in those relationships. So for me to carry on with so many unstable characteristics, I realize that I must not be who I think I am or who I really want to be.

Thanks for the feedback.

My brother and his girlfriend got evicted from their duplex, and had no where to go so my fiance and I decided that they could live with us until they got a job and got money to move out, well I guess my brother had gotten pulled over a couple months before and couldn't pay the fine so he lost his license, well then the girlfriend didn't have insurance on their car and got pulled over so she lost her license, my brother got a job a couple weeks later with my fiance, but he stayed up all hours of the night playing video games and either didn't show up for work or came in late so they fired him, well he had put my fiance down as a reference and he had been off of work sick for a couple days with a kidney infection, when he got back to work he got let go because of that factor, my fiance found another job within a week, but my brother hasn't and his girlfriend never has had a job since she has been living with us, I don't know what to do, we pay for everything, we have to do all of the cleaning around the house except for their laundry, they will have money and not help with bills but instead spend all of their money on themselves buying new games and other stuff instead of paying there share I am thinkin about giving him 2 weeks to atleast get a couple interviews at the least otherwise he will need to find another place to live, my parents would let him move back home with them but not his girlfriend, is that long enough time to give him to try to get a job and help with bills or should i give him longer, i guess i just don't know how to handle this.

I guess i could say that he is 23 and i'm 20, he has no respect whatsoever He has been living with my fiance and I for 4 months and he has only had a job for about 2 weeks total, His girlfriend has not had a job since she has graduated, Also I tried to give him an ultimatum about a month ago that he had a week to find somewhere else and to move out, well as soon as i said that he flew into a huge rage and started calling me every name under the sun then went on to tell me that He was no longer my brother that i was making him homeless and that i would never speak to him again and that when he had kids i would not allowed to be part of their lives, also he then called my mom to try to see if he could stay there and she said he could live there but not his girlfriend, the same thing came from her mother that she could live with her mom but that he couldn't stay there, so he started yelling at my mom saying she was worthless and that he hated her and that he was not her son anymore and that he was not going to be part of this family anymore, also his girlfriend and him both started screaming at her mother saying the same thing, so i'm afraid that if i kick them out they won't have a place to stay except for their car which doesn't even have insurance, i just am very hurt and confused on what to do right now.

He's got a place with your mother.  She's got a place with her mother.  If they both took full time jobs at Mcdonalds they could pay rent and live together.   

Unbelievable!
When you gave your brother the ultimatum to find a job or move out you were doing the right thing. You have to think about YOU; your grown brother is not your responsibility! He should be working and supporting himself, and his girlfriend should be working and supporting herself, too. The situation that you are in reminds me of my own brother- he is a lot like your brother. He has a pregnant girlfriend, her relatives will let her live with them but not with the boyfriend; he has a place to live but not with the girlfriend; so what do they do? They CHOOSE to live out of the back of their unregistered pick up truck. (Neither of them have driver’s licenses, either.) With your brother, he is CHOOSING to not work; if he has no place to live, it is because of his own choices. You telling him to go could be the best thing that happens to him because you are forcing him to be accountable for his actions. Yes, he is going to go kicking and screaming like a baby; he does not want to work. He wants to live off your kindness. But, you are now being too kind. You are affecting your future by supporting his lifestyle. You could be getting ahead, but he is freeloading off you and dragging you down. Do not allow him to do this to you! You do not deserve it. When he threatens to not be your brother, etc., you have to let that go- just say to him, “I’m sorry you feel that way. But, you still have to go.” Do not defend yourself; do not engage in an argument with him, because that is what he wants. Refuse to give it to him. Today is the day that you begin putting yourself first- you need to do this. Otherwise, your brother will never leave; imagine what life will be like in five years? You will have your brother, his girlfriend and three kids mooching off you. This has to end! I wish you the best- be strong!