Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

 Desperately need some advice .          I am a 26yr old single mom of a very beautiful and intelligent 8 yr old. When I found out I was pregnant for her I broke up with her father because I finally saw who he was( Liar, Cheat and troublemaker). Well a couple of yrs ago he talked me into letting them meet. My daughter was quickly drawn to him but I realized he was never going to change. Shortly after he got into trouble and was placed behind bars.My Daughter didn't know him very long but she fell in love with her "dad" and now I am torn about what I should Do.  Should I let him fade like some distant memory?   SHould I tell my daughter that he is in jail???   I feel like she is happy and we have a stable home...
I never Bad mouth him...As a matter of fact I always remind her that He does love her very much and Im sure he misses her.   Do you think knowing her dad is a bad person will affect her?? Should I allow him to write or should I keep on telling my daughter that I am clueless to his whereabouts?
I dont want her to be angry at me when she gets older for not telling her, but on the same note I'm not sure if children should know that one of their parents is BAD.   PLease Help me If you can...

When I was Younger my mom kept telling me she didnt know where my father was, but she always kept tabs on him. She was like you she told me he loved me and really didnt know where he was but as I have gotten older I have found ways of finding him, be it through another family member or what have you. I did kind of resent her for not telling me where he was. My father was never in jail but moved quit often. i do think you should tell her where he is at because from personal experience she will search and find out you knew and might even resent you for not telling her, I know you are probablly keeping it quite for her best intrest but she does need to know. Let him write, maybe she will somday through that find out what kind of person he really is whether a good father or not. You dont have to be the Bad Guy in this one 

                                                                                       Sincerly Misty05 

I admire you two for wanting to be a part of your grandchildrens lives. My children need a Grandma who cares. They only have 1 and that is my mother. My husbands mother and father want nothing to do with their biological grandchildren ages 4 & 5. This November will mark a year that our 5 y/o was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. My inlaws have not called me once to see how he is doing with his insulin shots or sugar. I just lost my brother in law on my side of the family. He was murdered. Again my inlaws have not called me to see if they can help in any way by watching the kids so we can attend the funeral or even to call and say "I'm sorry to hear about your bil". Our children have birthdays, that go ignored by them. No phone call to say "happy birthday" or even a card. They might once in a great while call my husband on his cell phone only if they need something. But they never call me or the kids. It is going on 2 years since they seen the kids and we live right behind them. I know they dont like me, but me, like you two have done nothing to them to cause them to dislike me. 2 years ago when I did see them last,  I invited them down to visit and was told that they would not have time because they go directly by a schedule. I havent seen nor heard from them since. My husband has another child by an ex girlfriend who lives in another county who they see every other weekend, but they have no time for ours. Why is this? How can they be that way to our kids? I have never disrespected them in any way, never argued with them, nothing. Our children are now feeling the affects of their dislike towards them. My fil came down one day to borrow a tool and ignored the kids while outside playing. The next day fil came down to return the tool and spoke to our 5 y/o but 5 y/o hid behind my husband and wouldnt speak. He just stared at the ground. 5 y/o looked very lost, when 2 years ago, he used to love seeing his grandpa and would hang all over him. But like I said, it has been 2 years ago since they even saw him or their grandma. I hope your dil and sons will come around and let you see the kids. I wish my inlaws were like you two. Good luck!

YES!! 

  

I have a sister who has destroyed our family with all of her problems.  She attacked my daughter while on a visit and when I tried to protect my daughter, my parents turned on me, calling me a liar as they were not in the room when this happened.    

  

My sister has had a lifetime of mental problems and tends to milk my parents for what it is worth.  No one on either side of our family wants to have anything to do with her and my parents and she have alienated themselves from everyone--including my husband, daughter and I now. 

  

Of course, she is much like my mother was when I was a little girl.  I have talked to a therapist who believes that I lived in a very emotional, physical and mental abusive enviroment.  My Dad should have left my mother years ago and when my sister started having all of these problems, my mother refused to back him on anything. 

  

My Dad and I used to be close, but now we are not even talking.  He called my inlaws and husband, telling them all these lies about me and that I did lie about my sister.  They, as well as the rest of the family, know better.   My inlaws told my Dad that they did not want to talk about what he had to say, that they support me 1000%.  So does my husband. 

  

Of course, this is not the first time this has happened but for me, this clinches any relationship I could ever hope to have again with them and my daughter does not even want to ever be in the same room with them again.  She is afraid of them.    

  

There is only "one" family member who says that I am being "unfair" and unChristian to my family and that I must apologize, forgive and forget.  I told her that I refuse to do that and she forwarded my responses to my parents who called me, screaming first at my daughter, then my husband and finally, tried to tell me off but I just hung up.  I will never "trust" this family member again! 

  

Like the last quote, my sister is violent.  My inlaws saw full well what she is capable of when we were all together this past year and it scared them as well as the other family members.  She has physically attacked me in the past and that was why I had to get my daughter away from her once and for all, despite how angry it made my parents at me. 

  

My sister has been in jail several times for being abusive to my parents.   I have thought about calling Elder Abuse but have decided to leave well enough alone since my parents have made it clear that she cannot help how she acts and that their home is her home as long as she needs to live there.  She is in her late 30's, does not work, has a child out of wedlock and "demands" and "harrasses" my parents everyday for money.   My inlaws have also witnessed that as well as other family members.    

  

So, you are not alone.  This has not been easy for me.  I do not hate my family but I refused to be bullied by them and called a liar.  I have been a good daughter and do not deserve this.  I am thankful to have a wonderful husband, daughter, wonderful inlaws as well as other family and friends who stand behind me but I have been warned that things are not going to get better and fear a call that she has finally done something terrible as people are all warning me that that day will come.  I certainly hope it never does but just in case, I am staying put and away from the abuse. 

  

J 

Theres a song I like its called "You can't make a heart love some one."   And its so dang true.    

  

The one thing I have learned in my 50 yrs is, happiness lies in your own perception of life.  Hopefully its a healthy perception, but we do have our pipedreams, hopes, and the things that bring us some kind of grins or at least a small smile! 

  

I can't make mom come back to life, daddy will never understand how his wife forced our family apart with her insecurity, hubby won't stop trying to dominate me, my youngest won't quit putting her own immature fun in frt of her children, hubbys heart won't stop getting weaker, and money won't grow on trees!    Rats! 

  

I have to find the funny things in life or I will pull out my hair, go mad and take everyone with me into my  madness of insanity!   Actually, that sounds like a vacation for me!  tee hee 

  

I'm not saying you shouldn't hurt.  I'm saying, sometimes we can't make others see we need them despartly.   You know that George Strait song, "Despartly"?   We go along with all these memories or sometimes made up memories that we hold, oh so dear to us.   It becomes a focus that drives us to desire what we cannot attain.  Sad, but true.  We as humans need acceptence and love. 

  

The people we want and/or love go their own way and we are stuck holding a torch and standing all alone.     

I once seen a show that said comedians stylings come from their pain.   I want my pain to come up in laughter.  Maybe not at first, but by gosh, its how I made it through some lonely/heartbreaking times.   I want to turn a sad moment to a laughing moment cause I can't change what is reality.   And reality can be pain.   So, why not find the simple things and thank all that is good, for it?    It takes so much time to get there, I know.    

  

I know this didn't let you know how to get your faimly back.  I really hate it when people say, Time heals all.   Bologna Water!   Time just helps us put it behind us to some degree.  It stays forever in our spirit.    I wished I had an answer for you to start accepting what is and walking a more peaceful path.   But no one has that magical advice. 

   

The only answer lies within your heart.  To say, Ok, they moved on.   I will too.  I will remember them only with good memories and I will continue on with my life.  I will smile, I will grow stronger.    

  

The hard part, is the path, untill time does help you with this change of attitude.   Thats what time really does! 

  

Mom is still gone, hubby still tries to dominate, daughter won't grow up (as of yet), hubbys heart grows weaker every day, and I still can't find that dang blasted money tree!!   Shesh! 

  

But by gosh, I am not going to let anyone bring me down..to far that is!!!   I hope you can find your walk that brings you some peace.  It will never replace what you are heart-searching for.  If you let your life continue on with optimism, remember to laugh and appreciate anything that brings you to a good place, then you will start to go on.  Not heal.  

  

Healing comes from somewhere (in your heart of hearts)  that makes you walk along your time, through this ole life and be able to look back with a smile or somewhat of a smile and remember only the good.      

  

A very wise lady one said "Love shouldn't be so damn hard."  Well it is, unfortunatly.  And all of us have to find a way to travel through life without being completly crushed to hell, by its pain.   Its real.  Its life.    

Our hearts get broken and we hope to mend as fast as posible.   We can, too!  We can go past our pain and find our smile.   Whether its a small childs grin, a sky as the sun rises or sets, a full moon shining upon our dark night.   Its what brings us to a place so we can get through the pain.   

  

Try to find your place of peace to heal.  I wish you healing.  I wish you all you dream for.  But most of all I wish you laughter. 

Barb 

Dear Kelly 

your story is so difficult. you have alot on your plate. My thoughts are with you and my prayers. First of all, the MS is bad enough, then you mix that with ungrateful adult children, what a recipe for mess Have you read any of Dr. Phil's books? I am reading "life strategies" and it's giving me the "backbone" to be selfish about how to take care of myself first.  This has been a  very hard year for me because my adult son, 30 yrs, has become so disrespectful that I can't take anything he says to heart or I will go off the deep end. I have a spinal cord disease called "Spondylosis" it is in my neck and recently found in my lower back. I should not lift more then the weight of a hairbrush but tonight, I packed my son's car to the maximum with all his clothes and suitcases, etc. (of course, being a "good loving Mother", I spent last night washing and folding all his clothes, because tonight, I gave him the "loving boot".  I have been married four times, so there is no man in my life, so if your man is good to you, hold on to him, he will be your liferaft for now. Your ADULT children need a life of their own. They will call you names and curse you, but anyone with MS, needs to take real good care of themselves, and you really don't sound like you want to die, so the "CHILDREN" NEED TO LEAVE! They may go kicking and screaming, but Sweetie, you need your breath. You did your time ! Dr. Phil would say, "so how's that workin fer ya" ? i suggest what he would suggest, your kids need to move out, yesterday ! 

BTW- after my son realized I ment business, he cursed me, played a Dr.Jeckle Mr. Hyde, nice to me, mean to me, as he searched to get his OWN WAY. every time I said, NO, he raged... his last words today were,  " I CAN'T WAIT 'TIL YOUR DEAD".  (what a sweetheart, huh?) This is a young man whom I have supported all his life, so far, until today. I even gave him the car he drove away in, and it's a real nice car. all he has to do it make the $200.00 payments each month, and I have paid until mid November. I am the idiot, not him. I can barely walk, and yet I have been paying for everything, including bills, and dinners out, and fast food late night snacks, and auto gas, (shall i go on ?) no. you get the picture. .......because we are both physically disabled, it makes it much harder on the immune system. Your kids will be better off if their Mother is alive, even if for now, they "can't wait for you to be dead". cause, that's not the truth..... that's their anger and the terrible 2's in their 20's. it's another phase of change, and they are afraid. STAND UP MOM. YOU DESERVE A LIFE TOO. SPEND TIME WITH YOUR MAN, AND GET YOUR KIDS ON THEIR WAY.  

IT WILL BE SO HARD ON YOUR HEART, BUT , NO ONE SHOULD "JUDGE" YOU, AND IF THEY DO, WELL, THEY CAN GO WITH EM AND SUPPORT 'EM THEN. EVERYONE THINKS THAT IT'S CRUEL. ONLY THOSE WHO HAVE THE MONEY TO TOSS A BONE. 

PLEASE STAND STRONG. YOUR KIDS SOUND LIKE THEY KNOW HOW TO USE YOU AND THEY DON'T CARE HOW IT EFFECTS YOU. PLEASE, IT'S TAKEN ME ALL THIS TIME, BUT YOU WILL ONLY BE DOING THEM THE BIGGEST FAVOR OF THEIR LIFE. 

I WOULD RATHER BE ALIVE, TO SEE HOW MY SON MAKES IT, EVEN IF HE NEVER SPEAKS TO ME, THEN TO NOT DO ANYTHING, AND NEVER KNOW IF THEY HELPED THEMSELFVES. IN THIS CRAZY WORLD !! I KNOW HW HAS RESORCES. YOUR KID'S DO TOO. THEY ARE SMART. 

 DEAR ONE, SAY YOUR PRAYERS,  AND ONE MORE THING, "YOU ARE TRYING TO CONTROL THE OUTCOME OF THEIR LIVES, AND IT'S NOT YOUR JOB. YOU HAVE RAISED YOUR KIDS TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY AND AS MUCH AS IT HURTS TO " SUFFER" THROUGH THIS, REMEMBER, GOD IS IN CONTROL. i will write it again and you should tape it all over your home, where ever you will see it. put a copy under your pillow. etc, YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL, JESUS IS, AND HE HAS THEIR LIVES IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND. YOUR MUST KEEP THE FAITH AND SURRENDER TO GOD'S WILL. NO MATTER THE OUTCOME. PLEASE HEAR ME SWEETIE,. YOU ARE GOING THROUGH ENOUGH. TAKE SOME GOOD THINGS FOR YOURSELF NOW. 

IF IT'S YOUR MAN, THEN FOCUS ON HIM. MAKE THAT A STRONG RELATIONSHIP! 

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE " THEIR MOTHER"  BUT FOR NOW, YOU NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU. GIVE IT A TRY. IT WON'T BE EASY. THIS IS MY FIRST NIGHT KNOWING MY SON  " CAN'T STAND ME" BUT ,,,,,,,,,,, OH WELL.......... CRAP HAPPENS  AND IT COULD BE WORSE , RIGHT? 

      GOD BLESS YOU WITH PEACE AND JOY AND MIRACLES TO FOLLOW. 

 GET BUSY WITH YOUR OWN HOBBIES. DO SOMETHING FOR YOU, TODAY. FIX YOUR HAIR, YOUR NAILS, DRESS UP AND STAY HOME. START MAKING VISABLE CHANGES, OKAY?? 

 I FEEL LOVE FOR YOU...... XX FROM ONE MOTHER WHO JUST NOW IS LEARNING TO UNDERSTAND "TOUGH LOVE" THE LOVE IS FOR THEM, THE TOUGH IS OURS. THERE IS STRENGTH IN NUMBERS, RIGHT? PRAYER!! GOD HEARS US!! 

AS FAR AS THE BABY (3 YR. OLD) THAT'S UP TO HIS MOM. THEY WILL MANAGE,. YOU DID!! 

 HANG ON TIGHT AND ENJOY THE RIDE. BE AT PEACE WITH YOURSELF FIRST. 

                                XX....... g.           ME.        TAKE CARE FOR ALWAYS N FOREVER, SEE YA IN HEAVEN SOMEDAY.... I WANT TO GO HOME, BUT GOD KEEPS ME HERE, GO FIGURE? I FEEL USELESS, BUT HE HAS A PLAN FOR US. KEEP BUSY, REST, EAT WELL, GET TLC AND GIVE IT TO YOUR SPECIAL MAN TOO,. DON'T GIVE UP, UNLESS IT'S HARMFUL TO YOU !! 

GET THE SONGS FROM VAN MORRISON CALLED- AVALON BAY" YOU WILL LOVE IT. 

 PROMISE TO GET IT? i CAN'T HEAR YOU??? COME-ON SOLDIER, STAND UP !!!  BYE FOR NOW........ GOD BLESS YOUR HEART WITH PEACE AND YOUR BODY WITH STRENGH IN THIS TIME OF GREAT NEED.           YOUR GONNA BE ON A NATIONWIDE PRAYER CHAIN AS SOON AS I HANG UP HERE. i HAVE CONECTIONS TOO WITH THE  

"POWERS THAT BE.................SWEET DREAMS...(PATSY CLINE) LOVE, FAITH, UNKNOWN HELP. AND A LOVING CARING MAN WHO WILL PROTECT YOU! GET OUT OF THE CONTROL TOWER! ! IT'S ALL UNDER COVER ! ONE DAY AT A TIME! 

PS. TODAY IS MY FIRST    ON  DR. PHILS WEB SIGHT. YOU WILL GROW,  THAT'S A PROMISE FROM GOD.  READ PSALMS &  PROVERBS IN THE HOLY BIBLE, YOU WILL FIND THE ANWERS...... I PROMISE ! THE WORD'S SAVED ME ! 

      PLALMS   & PROVERBS- ONE PAGE FOR EACH DAY OF THE MONTH.....                     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE DAYS, YOU DIDN'T SUBJECT A CHILD TO JAILS OR PRISONS. IT'S THE WORST PLACE YOU CAN SUBJECT A CHILD. DON'T DO IT. 

 HE DID THE CRIME, LET HIM WAIT THE TIME. 

CHILDREN DESERVE THE TRUTH, BUT NOT IF THEY CAN'T HANDLE IT. 

YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY...HE IS.....HE GOT BUSTED.. HE SEPARETED ALL OF YOU. 

 

PROTECT HER. SAVE HIS MAIL UNTIL YOU AND HER CAN SIT DOWN AND TALK. LET HER HAVE HER CHILDHOOD NOW, SHE WILL ONLY WORRY ABOUT HIM NOW. 

 

 WHEN HE GETS OUT, THEY CAN PICK UP THE PIECES, IF YOU STILL WANT. 

LET HER KNOW, HE DOES LOVE HER BUT DON'T LET HER SEE HIM BEHIND BARS, IT'S DEVISTATING FOR MOST ADULTS, DONT TAKE HER PLEASE. WRITE ONLY.  

 

 GET CLOSER AND KEEP YOU EYES ON HER, AND KEEP HER BUSY WITH YOU. 

 

                 MANY BLESSING TO ALL.... DO THE RIGHT THING. 

 

MAYBE SHE WILL NEED CONCILING IN A YEAR OF SO... CROSS THAT THEN 

             TAKE CARE MY FRIEND.               

Thank you soo much for responding.  It's so hard to be tough, but I don't know which one is worst being tough or giving in.  I'm trying really hard.   

  

Each time I've been tough with my daughter my grandson suffers and it just kills me.  I know I just need to give it all to God and he will take care of them all. 

  

I wish you the best as well.  God Bless. 

 There is one person in my family that is not good for any of us. I can't even bring myself to call her "grandma". I use her first name or "Mrs." & her last name only, despite my mother's constant nagging & pleading.
She's one of those people who are miserable & they are happy being miserable, & to make things worse, she will bring down anyone around her. I lived with her for about a year & quickly sank into a deep depression. Anyone that knows me knows me for my constant laughter. That stopped not long after I arrived. She's spiteful, mean, hateful, manipulative, depressive, complains constantly, controling, (very controlling) & makes her own problems.
But, in the fashion of typical bullies, she's also a coward & will not stand up to anyone she knows she can not dominate. Every day I fear becoming anything like her. I'm already seeing minor signs that I'm becoming my mother, who is very similar, & I take constant steps to avoid that. I pride myself on being open & honest, sometimes brutally so. I refuse to sugar-coat most issues & if you ask my opinion, I'll give it to you, even at the risk of hurting feelings. Most people respect me for this. My mother & her mother, however, are the type to smile in your face as they're pointing the blade at your back & I can't stand people like that. If they weren't family I'd have nothing to do with either of them & due to rescent events, I have ceased communications with my mother. I can't avoid her completely but I'm coming pretty close.
But my biggest complaint is my mom's mother's veiw on people. Her views on iraq, & I quote, are as follows "We should just bomb the whole country & be done with it! It's a country of terrorists & sand! What are these people bothering to fight over a bunch of sand?" Homo or bi-sexuals? "Messed up freaks! They're all going to hell! They should ALL be locked away so they'll quit corrupting society!" All hispanics are called "puerto-freakins" or "damn drug-runners!". All blacks are "welfare-sucking bums that should be sent right back to africa where they belong!"
Right or wrong, everyone is entitled to thier opinions, but there's a difference between an opinion based on expirience or facts & once based on miserable (doesn't seem very blissful) ignorance! I've tried to point out that yes, SOME people of various ethnic groups do match her stereotypes, but that doesn't mean everyone is like that, but it falls on deaf ears. If you really want a kicker, she is mostly jewish, & has a stereotype against jews too!!
I've given up on her, but my mother, who is currently living there, is begining to share her values & opinions, as well as her love of misery! Should I just give up & hope she comes around on her own or is there something I can do? More & more I think those two members of my family are beyond all hope.

 Hi,

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this message, but I would like some advice. Long story short, I have "wrong" thoughts about my sister. I know they are just thoughts, and I'd never act on them, but they really shouldnt be there right.

I mean I'll check out her butt when she bends over and stuff like that...

Is it just reflective of the fact that I need a gf? Or something more sinister. :(

Zack