Topic : Toxic Family Relationships
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July 21, 2008, 12:12 am PDT
 My daughters bio-Dad is a birthday call Dad. We live in Canada and he in the southern US. My daughter and I left the US 6 years ago because the relationship was abusive and just toxic in all ways. My daughter and I now live a wonderfully happy life here with my husband. She is well adjusted and doing amazingly well in school and arts. Her Dad went from Capital Hill to no job, dodging child support, to now (as per his family, who is now frantically trying to contact her... after 6 years...)... his brother has told me that he is now in jail. I didn't believe all that he was telling me so I began to try to find out myself. I looked in his town's local paper and there it was. He was caught in the process of a drug deal with drugs and a gun on him... and his charges are federal. He is facing a lot of time and from the sounds of it... not looking too good for him. My problem now is... What do I tell my daughter? I have to tell her the truth... but how much truth? She is extremely intelligent, wise... but I just don't know what to say or how much to say. I can't sleep just thinking about how his life just spiraled this way. i pray for him. But how do I lessen the blow of this to her? In the past week since I have found this out she has asked when she will see him again... out of the blue!! I didn't know what to say and I told her that it may be a while, that he loves her, and I would explain soon... I know I have to do better. On tope of all of that, her family is coming at me from all angles. They have found me on Facebook, on MySpace, my personal email... One is brand new to me and professing to want a relationship with her... I just don't know what to do and my head is spinning. I have spent so many years trying to make sure she was not taking all of this in and she could have a normal childhood... So please, if anybody has any advice.... How do I explain to my 7yr old that her bio-Dad is in prison??? Thanks for reading this.... Frazzled MummMumm |
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July 21, 2008, 1:38 pm PDT
Quote From: lucialoveslife My daughters bio-Dad is a birthday call Dad. We live in Canada and he in the southern US. My daughter and I left the US 6 years ago because the relationship was abusive and just toxic in all ways. My daughter and I now live a wonderfully happy life here with my husband. She is well adjusted and doing amazingly well in school and arts. Her Dad went from Capital Hill to no job, dodging child support, to now (as per his family, who is now frantically trying to contact her... after 6 years...)... his brother has told me that he is now in jail. I didn't believe all that he was telling me so I began to try to find out myself. I looked in his town's local paper and there it was. He was caught in the process of a drug deal with drugs and a gun on him... and his charges are federal. He is facing a lot of time and from the sounds of it... not looking too good for him. My problem now is... What do I tell my daughter? I have to tell her the truth... but how much truth? She is extremely intelligent, wise... but I just don't know what to say or how much to say. I can't sleep just thinking about how his life just spiraled this way. i pray for him. But how do I lessen the blow of this to her? In the past week since I have found this out she has asked when she will see him again... out of the blue!! I didn't know what to say and I told her that it may be a while, that he loves her, and I would explain soon... I know I have to do better. On tope of all of that, her family is coming at me from all angles. They have found me on Facebook, on MySpace, my personal email... One is brand new to me and professing to want a relationship with her... I just don't know what to do and my head is spinning. I have spent so many years trying to make sure she was not taking all of this in and she could have a normal childhood... So please, if anybody has any advice.... How do I explain to my 7yr old that her bio-Dad is in prison??? Thanks for reading this.... Frazzled MummMumm I congratulate you on having the strength and courage to leave an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship, to move forward and allow yourself to lead a happier life. I know, from my own personal experience, that it isn’t easy to change your life around; I also know that all the hard work is well worth it. You are doing what is best for yourself and your child. You began your post saying that your child’s biological father is a “birthday dad.” Meaning your child basically expects to hear from him once a year, correct? In my opinion, the way that you answered your child’s question was perfect; you don’t give too much info and you don’t give any specific time frame. At age 7, your child does not need to know that he is in prison. She is too young to understand his actions/how he got there. The best thing you could do for her is to never say negative things about her father. As the years go by, you will know when she is ready to know where he really is. Until then, assure her that he loves her, that you know he is thinking of her, but that he is far away. Then, change the subject. Get her focused on something else right away. I know that you are feeling odd about this situation; you want to be honest, but don’t know exactly how much honesty is too much. I think that any mention of prison is too much information. If she thinks her father is bad, then she might begin to think that she is bad, also. I wish you the best! |
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July 21, 2008, 1:40 pm PDT
Quote From: lucialoveslife My daughters bio-Dad is a birthday call Dad. We live in Canada and he in the southern US. My daughter and I left the US 6 years ago because the relationship was abusive and just toxic in all ways. My daughter and I now live a wonderfully happy life here with my husband. She is well adjusted and doing amazingly well in school and arts. Her Dad went from Capital Hill to no job, dodging child support, to now (as per his family, who is now frantically trying to contact her... after 6 years...)... his brother has told me that he is now in jail. I didn't believe all that he was telling me so I began to try to find out myself. I looked in his town's local paper and there it was. He was caught in the process of a drug deal with drugs and a gun on him... and his charges are federal. He is facing a lot of time and from the sounds of it... not looking too good for him. My problem now is... What do I tell my daughter? I have to tell her the truth... but how much truth? She is extremely intelligent, wise... but I just don't know what to say or how much to say. I can't sleep just thinking about how his life just spiraled this way. i pray for him. But how do I lessen the blow of this to her? In the past week since I have found this out she has asked when she will see him again... out of the blue!! I didn't know what to say and I told her that it may be a while, that he loves her, and I would explain soon... I know I have to do better. On tope of all of that, her family is coming at me from all angles. They have found me on Facebook, on MySpace, my personal email... One is brand new to me and professing to want a relationship with her... I just don't know what to do and my head is spinning. I have spent so many years trying to make sure she was not taking all of this in and she could have a normal childhood... So please, if anybody has any advice.... How do I explain to my 7yr old that her bio-Dad is in prison??? Thanks for reading this.... Frazzled MummMumm P.S. Regarding her father’s relatives who are contacting you now, after all of these years- my advice is to let them know that you are well and your child is well, but don’t give out much more information then that. Sure, send photos if they are interested, and be friendly; but don’t give them access to cause any emotional harm to your child. Don’t allow a relationship with her to form and have the possibility of something negative happening. |
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July 21, 2008, 2:59 pm PDT
Quote From: jaimie1974 I congratulate you on having the strength and courage to leave an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship, to move forward and allow yourself to lead a happier life. I know, from my own personal experience, that it isnt easy to change your life around; I also know that all the hard work is well worth it. You are doing what is best for yourself and your child. You began your post saying that your childs biological father is a birthday dad. Meaning your child basically expects to hear from him once a year, correct? In my opinion, the way that you answered your childs question was perfect; you dont give too much info and you dont give any specific time frame. At age 7, your child does not need to know that he is in prison. She is too young to understand his actions/how he got there. The best thing you could do for her is to never say negative things about her father. As the years go by, you will know when she is ready to know where he really is. Until then, assure her that he loves her, that you know he is thinking of her, but that he is far away. Then, change the subject. Get her focused on something else right away. I know that you are feeling odd about this situation; you want to be honest, but dont know exactly how much honesty is too much. I think that any mention of prison is too much information. If she thinks her father is bad, then she might begin to think that she is bad, also. I wish you the best! Jaime1974 You make such sense. I really think this is the best way to handle this. The point that really hits it for me is that, if she see's her Dad as bad... so she will think of herself. Right now all she knows is love and it's only fair to her that she continues to grow in that. Thank you Jaime. Reading your comments gave me a shot of confidence in knowing that I don't have to destroy her in an effort to be open and honest with her. When the time is right I will know... Thank you so much... De-Frazzled MummMumm :) |
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July 22, 2008, 10:10 am PDT
I was raised in a Christian home. My Mum is a Born-Again Christian.
During my life, I was often spanked for no reason. I would receive about 20 strikes and more if I did not cry. If I cried, I would be told to "shut up" and stop gasping for air. I was asthmatic and it was nearly impossible to stop gasping for air.
Other than that, my childhood was very good. However, as I got older, things began to get weirder. Throughout my teenage life, I would be screamed at for things that I couldn't help, etc. I would be accused of things and told that I would receive a spanking. Sometimes, I protested and adamantly stated that I didn't do them. I would then receive a spanking for being "sassy". Either way, I was going to be spanked, and once Mum has decided, she's going to find a reason to spank, even if she makes up a lie.
Many times, even now, Mum accuses me of lying. She says that she knows I'm lying because she has the discernment of spirit.
How can she discern a lie if there is no lie? What is going on?
I am a 23 year old graduate student. In two years, I will have a doctorate degree. I am really not a bad person...at least, I don't think that I am. I graduated at the top of my class in high school and college. No one else has had a problem from me. I still live with my mother, even at my age. My sister, who is 29, also still lives with us. My mother says that she wants to pay my living expenses until I finish college. This is very nice of her, but it comes at a price.
I am not allowed to have my own opinion on anything. My opinion must align with hers. If we are having a conversation and I end up expressing an opinion that she does not agree with, she will cut me off in the middle of the conversation. She will then state her opinion. If I try to state my thoughts again, she will repeat hers and get louder and louder until I agree or say nothing. Sometimes, she will say that I'm being "sassy" if I ask her to listen to my point of view. She has even called me Satan and rebuked me. In addition, I'm not allowed to shave my legs or armpits because she doesn't agree with it. If I try to sneak to do it, (although I haven't yet), she will say that I'm deceptive and that I'm being used by Satan or that I have Satan inside of me. I'm not allowed to have my hair trimmed because she says that cutting the hair does not honour God. I don't want my hair cut, I want long hair because I like it and I'm Christian. I only want it trimmed to keep it healthy. (On the flip side, Mum has cut her hair short in recent years and talks about doing it again).
When Mum is upset or thinks that she has discerned a lie, she will say that she is going to move away or to a Senior Citizens home. Sometimes, she will threaten to kick me out of the house. However, if either of these things happen, she will spread rumors about me to the community and say that I'm a horrible daughter and that's why I don't live with her anymore. I know that Mum will do this because she's done it to my sisters.
I could leave or go away to school because I receive so many scholarships for good grades and they would pay for room and board in a dorm. However, when I talk to Mum about going away for grad school, she says that I'm rejecting Jesus because if I don't want to be around her and she's Born-Again, then I don't want Jesus. She says that I won't be around to pray with her so I'm going to Hell. I've offered to pray with her by phone everyday, but she says that this will not be enough and that I'm going to Hell, regardless.
I know that I love Jesus, and that love has nothing to do with her or grad school.
However, if I continue to talk about going away to grad school, she will begin to scream, rebuke me, and say that I'm rejecting Jesus and that I will go to Hell. When I start to cry, she calls me a hypocrite and says that I have Satan inside of me. I feel trapped because if I leave, she will spread rumors about me and say that I am rejecting Jesus, but if I stay, I can't have any opinions or thoughts of my own.
Is this the way that life is in every Christian home?
Am I really influenced by Satan?
Am I rejecting Jesus by thinking of going away to grad school? |
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July 23, 2008, 6:59 am PDT
Quote From: nevercantell I was raised in a Christian home. My Mum is a Born-Again Christian.
During my life, I was often spanked for no reason. I would receive about 20 strikes and more if I did not cry. If I cried, I would be told to "shut up" and stop gasping for air. I was asthmatic and it was nearly impossible to stop gasping for air.
Other than that, my childhood was very good. However, as I got older, things began to get weirder. Throughout my teenage life, I would be screamed at for things that I couldn't help, etc. I would be accused of things and told that I would receive a spanking. Sometimes, I protested and adamantly stated that I didn't do them. I would then receive a spanking for being "sassy". Either way, I was going to be spanked, and once Mum has decided, she's going to find a reason to spank, even if she makes up a lie.
Many times, even now, Mum accuses me of lying. She says that she knows I'm lying because she has the discernment of spirit.
How can she discern a lie if there is no lie? What is going on?
I am a 23 year old graduate student. In two years, I will have a doctorate degree. I am really not a bad person...at least, I don't think that I am. I graduated at the top of my class in high school and college. No one else has had a problem from me. I still live with my mother, even at my age. My sister, who is 29, also still lives with us. My mother says that she wants to pay my living expenses until I finish college. This is very nice of her, but it comes at a price.
I am not allowed to have my own opinion on anything. My opinion must align with hers. If we are having a conversation and I end up expressing an opinion that she does not agree with, she will cut me off in the middle of the conversation. She will then state her opinion. If I try to state my thoughts again, she will repeat hers and get louder and louder until I agree or say nothing. Sometimes, she will say that I'm being "sassy" if I ask her to listen to my point of view. She has even called me Satan and rebuked me. In addition, I'm not allowed to shave my legs or armpits because she doesn't agree with it. If I try to sneak to do it, (although I haven't yet), she will say that I'm deceptive and that I'm being used by Satan or that I have Satan inside of me. I'm not allowed to have my hair trimmed because she says that cutting the hair does not honour God. I don't want my hair cut, I want long hair because I like it and I'm Christian. I only want it trimmed to keep it healthy. (On the flip side, Mum has cut her hair short in recent years and talks about doing it again).
When Mum is upset or thinks that she has discerned a lie, she will say that she is going to move away or to a Senior Citizens home. Sometimes, she will threaten to kick me out of the house. However, if either of these things happen, she will spread rumors about me to the community and say that I'm a horrible daughter and that's why I don't live with her anymore. I know that Mum will do this because she's done it to my sisters.
I could leave or go away to school because I receive so many scholarships for good grades and they would pay for room and board in a dorm. However, when I talk to Mum about going away for grad school, she says that I'm rejecting Jesus because if I don't want to be around her and she's Born-Again, then I don't want Jesus. She says that I won't be around to pray with her so I'm going to Hell. I've offered to pray with her by phone everyday, but she says that this will not be enough and that I'm going to Hell, regardless.
I know that I love Jesus, and that love has nothing to do with her or grad school.
However, if I continue to talk about going away to grad school, she will begin to scream, rebuke me, and say that I'm rejecting Jesus and that I will go to Hell. When I start to cry, she calls me a hypocrite and says that I have Satan inside of me. I feel trapped because if I leave, she will spread rumors about me and say that I am rejecting Jesus, but if I stay, I can't have any opinions or thoughts of my own.
Is this the way that life is in every Christian home?
Am I really influenced by Satan?
Am I rejecting Jesus by thinking of going away to grad school? There are people who are true Christians, and then there are people who say that they are Christians because it is a great disguise for their issues. In your mother’s case, it sounds like being a Christian is a good ‘cover’ for her mental health issues. She thinks that you are lying- rather, she “knows” that you are lying- that is a sign of paranoid schizophrenia. To keep you close, she controls you with her emotional needs. As a mother myself, it is important to me to always put my children’s emotional needs first; as they get older, I want to hear their difference of opinion because that is how they will become a well rounded, productive citizen of the world; by being heard and understood. You deserve that, too. Your mother is smothering you. If you are afraid of what she will say about you, then you will be trapped there forever. I’m sure that you have goals and dreams for your life; there will come a time that you have to leave to fulfill them. She will spread lies about you then, so it is either sooner or later, because you know it will happen. I know that you want people to know you are a good person, but it shouldn’t be at the cost of being your mother’s emotional slave. This is a toxic, dysfunctional way to live your life and you deserve so much better! It is great that you have the option to go away and I highly encourage you to do it. If you don’t, you’ll regret it later; because she will spread lies about you anyway. No matter what you decide, she is not going to support you- she “needs” you there to be her whipping post. She controls you. You have to decide whether to make your break from her now or later, but know that the results will be the same. I wish you the very best! Be good to yourself. |
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July 24, 2008, 11:10 pm PDT
Quote From: aznqt1981 I have a family of five but Im the middle child. My older sister recently married and moved out but my younger brother and I still live at home. I am getting married next august and will move out then.
I have unique frustrations w/each family member. My major frustrations is w/my brother. He has no respect for my mom anymore. We're a chinese family and we're big on respect but my brother has been dating an "American" girl for more than a year and he has yet to introduce her to the parents. We've pressed the issue many times in the past and he always shrugs it off. Now my mom was very angry when I dated my ex-fiance who is German but she grew to like him (he loved the asian style foods and their culture and he had common courtesy to say hi). My brother's gf never says hi when she enters the house, he invites her as he pleases to family functions w/o asking and they have sex loud enuf in the house that I know my mom hears it because she's in the next room!
This girlfriend is a teacher so we really wonder what she teaches her students! The day my sister and bro-in-law were legally married (last september) my brother invited his gf to lunch w/o even asking!! Everyone in the family ignores her except extended family. Extended family will try to send not to blunt messages to be nice but Im not even going there! Im at my ends w/them and in fact I don't talk to my bro unless I have to! My brother also does not clean up after himself! My mom fixes him lunch/dinners every day and he doesn't even wash his own damn bowls/chopsticks! In fact, he doesn't even bother bringing them back down the kitchen. They sit in his room til one of my parents goes up and gets them and by that time there are about 3 or 4 bowls in his room! He treats this house like a hotel coming and going as he pleases and it really pisses me off!
I've already decided that if this gf isn't introduced my the time my wedding comes around, she's not going and if my brother has an issue w/that, he won't go either. Pls tell me what I can do!!
My mom is another story. She constantly cleans up after him in his room. He does whatever he wants because he knows "mom will clean this up for me." His desk is a a freaking mess and his room is pretty much in shambles! She is the one who goes into his room to grab his clothes for the laundry and I've had to yell at my mom for it but she always says "when you're a mother, you'll know why I do this." Being an asian parent the, "I should have aborted him" lines always comes out. She pretty much blames my gma for this because my mom didn't want to have another one but the chinese are big on having a boy to carry on the family name so they tried for six months. They try so hard to have him and this is what she gets in return! She just can't help herself but clean up after him and it frustrates the hell out of me! He's supposed to go to school in NY in a couple of years and she's hoping he leaves fast. She won't kick him out of the house but she can't do it. I've wanted to kick him out!
My sister is also another story! She's got no common sense whatsoever! She asks stupid questions, has stupid (did you think about that before you said it) comments and she likes to hand off messages to others to be delivered for her through someone else. Take me for example - "Can you ask mom this" or "can you ask mom this" or "can you ask if mom has this". I sit here and think... "dude! im not your personal servant! you have a damn phone so call her yourself!" When i first commented, "why can't you call her and ask her yourself?" Her response was "you live in the same house." Yea.... i may live in the same house but that doesn't mean I need to relay messages for you all the freaking time! When it came to asking my mom if she had a fancy plate for her reception instead of calling my mom directly she decided she would have me ask my mom. All these conversations are all on MSN messenger or AOL Instant Messenger so now 90% of the time I won't answer the messages unless I see it's very important and uh... 90% of the time it's not!
Another thing is my dad...(see i said i had unique frustrations for everyone). My dad is where my sister got the "no common sense" thing from. He does the same thing w/my mom and then they get into these huge fights. Not a day goes by that my mom isn't completely frustrated w/him. She's talked to us before about getting a divorce (just my sister and I) and we said if that makes her happier then do it. Back then she wanted to wait for all the kids to get through college first and then decide but then she thought about it and knows that my dad can't survive w/o her. I thinking thats what he needs is to learn to do stuff on his own! He doesn't know how to cook (just cooking rice, boiling veggies in water, making top ramen - the extremely simple stuff), do the laundry or buy food. Everything either I do or my mom does so even if my mom is sick she still has to cook and do the laundry. My dad will just sit on his ass and not do anything because he doesn't know how and even if he learns it over and over, he won't get it. They get into fights every other day. My mom will send him out to buy a few things or even just one thing from the grocery store and it has exactly what she wants on there and how much and he still has to call her from the store to ask what it was again. I stand there and think "do you not have the piece of paper w/you?" "I do but i just want to make sure." You can see where both my mom and my frustrations are!
This could go on and on but I should top here.... PLEASE HELP!!! Being that there's a culture difference between us, I can't really give solid advice because I haven't been in your situation. It does sound like your family has some issues, but none too big. Divorce is pretty common now and days, unfortuanatly, but as long as it doesn't turn into drag down-draw out situation, you should be happy. As for your brother, it sound like someone needs to pull him off his ass and put him to work, because he's obviously spoiled. No one's probably ever called him on his crap, so he knows he can get away with just about anything. As for your sisters stupid questions, some people just draw the short straw when it comes to brains, it can't really be helped. Of course, she seems to be a little lazy too. From what you typed, it sounds like your mom is under a lot of stress. She's just trying to do her best and take care of her kids along with the rest of the weight on her back. Try showing her a little more support, do something thoughtful. I'm sure she could use a break. Over all, I'll agree that some of your family issues do seem pretty annoying, but still it could be much worse. And as families go, yours isn't far from decent. |
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July 25, 2008, 3:01 pm PDT
Thank you for your advice, it's nice to finally feel like someone is listening and understands, but ummm... I'm a girl. (>_^)
As for my relatives, I have three aunts on my mom's side, but they all live far away so I don't get to seem them often. Really it'd be more truthful to say that we're aquaintances rather than family. I haven't seen my Aunt Emily since I was 7, my Aunt Jessica since I was 12, and my Aunt Sandy since I was 13. On my dad's side off the family, I have two aunts and one uncle. My Aunt Sharon, never really liked me because she didn't approve of my parent's marrige, to be honest, she put me down every chance she got. I also have an Uncle Chris and an Aunt Catherine, they were always very kind to me and I loved them very much, but I haven't seen or heard from them since I was 11. Unfortunatly, there's really no one I can rely on in my family.
What's even worse is that it's the same when it comes to friends. Other than my boyfriend, I only have two other friends, but one of them, Victoria, just moved to Las Vegas. So even though I love her like a sister, like a true family member, our friendship probably won't last much longer. Time and distance really don't like me.
I've tried to make more friends, but I live in one of those rich kid districts were the majority of the teenage population consist of preps and jocks, and I of course don't fit into their cliques. Another factor to my whole 'loner' situation is that I can't relate to other teens my age. Truth of the matter is, my sense of humor is a bit sadistic and far from what they consider normal. Plus I just find easier to get along with decent adults rather than the few nice teenagers.
My boyfriend is really sweet, I love him with all my heart, and we get along great. But he and I can't always relate. His family is kind. They don't fight or lie to each, yeah sure they get on each others nerves every now and then, but what family doesn't? I kind of envy him. Still, even though he admits he can't relate with my situation, he does everything he can to make me feel better. He has a way of making me laugh and smile without using much effort, and when I'm with him, I feel like all my problem have dissapeared. But once it's times to go, I feel so alone again.
I feel trapped, and suffocated, like I'm dying. Then I remember just how useless I've been in trying to make a difference in my family and how I don't even know what I want to do with my life, and the anxiety overwhelms me and I can't help but wonder 'Why am I even alive?'
I really wish I could get help for my family, as much as I hate them, I hate watching them rot even more. I've tried going to professionals, but my family won't listen to them. The moment one of them is told they're wrong, they get defensive and won't listen anymore. I'd like my family to be on the Dr. Phil, I figure if they won't listen to a normal professional, then maybe they'll listen to someone who has undeniable knowledge. The problem with that plan is, I'm only 15 and apparently I'm required to be 18 or older to get help. I don't know why everyone obsesses over youth, if you ask me, it really sucks.
Can anyone give me some advice, some sort of survival tip? Truth is, the only things I need are hard to find. |
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July 28, 2008, 4:53 am PDT
Quote From: tsunami_245 Thank you for your advice, it's nice to finally feel like someone is listening and understands, but ummm... I'm a girl. (>_)
As for my relatives, I have three aunts on my mom's side, but they all live far away so I don't get to seem them often. Really it'd be more truthful to say that we're aquaintances rather than family. I haven't seen my Aunt Emily since I was 7, my Aunt Jessica since I was 12, and my Aunt Sandy since I was 13. On my dad's side off the family, I have two aunts and one uncle. My Aunt Sharon, never really liked me because she didn't approve of my parent's marrige, to be honest, she put me down every chance she got. I also have an Uncle Chris and an Aunt Catherine, they were always very kind to me and I loved them very much, but I haven't seen or heard from them since I was 11. Unfortunatly, there's really no one I can rely on in my family.
What's even worse is that it's the same when it comes to friends. Other than my boyfriend, I only have two other friends, but one of them, Victoria, just moved to Las Vegas. So even though I love her like a sister, like a true family member, our friendship probably won't last much longer. Time and distance really don't like me.
I've tried to make more friends, but I live in one of those rich kid districts were the majority of the teenage population consist of preps and jocks, and I of course don't fit into their cliques. Another factor to my whole 'loner' situation is that I can't relate to other teens my age. Truth of the matter is, my sense of humor is a bit sadistic and far from what they consider normal. Plus I just find easier to get along with decent adults rather than the few nice teenagers.
My boyfriend is really sweet, I love him with all my heart, and we get along great. But he and I can't always relate. His family is kind. They don't fight or lie to each, yeah sure they get on each others nerves every now and then, but what family doesn't? I kind of envy him. Still, even though he admits he can't relate with my situation, he does everything he can to make me feel better. He has a way of making me laugh and smile without using much effort, and when I'm with him, I feel like all my problem have dissapeared. But once it's times to go, I feel so alone again.
I feel trapped, and suffocated, like I'm dying. Then I remember just how useless I've been in trying to make a difference in my family and how I don't even know what I want to do with my life, and the anxiety overwhelms me and I can't help but wonder 'Why am I even alive?'
I really wish I could get help for my family, as much as I hate them, I hate watching them rot even more. I've tried going to professionals, but my family won't listen to them. The moment one of them is told they're wrong, they get defensive and won't listen anymore. I'd like my family to be on the Dr. Phil, I figure if they won't listen to a normal professional, then maybe they'll listen to someone who has undeniable knowledge. The problem with that plan is, I'm only 15 and apparently I'm required to be 18 or older to get help. I don't know why everyone obsesses over youth, if you ask me, it really sucks.
Can anyone give me some advice, some sort of survival tip? Truth is, the only things I need are hard to find. Well, I'm a girl too, so I understand. I didn't have any relatives either when I was your age and dealing with my mom's alcoholism. I had older sisters, but they were MUCH MUCH older and married and my older brother was in his own demons at the time. I felt very alone and exhausted myself trying to get my family to change and "see the light".
I too had limited friends. I think it was partly because I was so much more mature from going through all that I had gone through (probably the same for you) and perhaps my friends feared my situation. They saw my mom at her worse, it was pretty scary stuff. Having your boyfriend there alllows you to see just how dysfunctional your family is and I understand your envy. It's very natural to feel that way.
The one thing I envy YOU about is that you are recognizing all of this at such a young age. It took me well into my twenties before I realized how suffocated and trapped I was by my mother's unhealthy control. So much of my life had been lost and I hit some very low periods. There's little you can do to FORCE your family into a change unfortunately. But you can change yourself and ultimately that helps. One thing that has been a major force for me is relinquishing the need to want to help everyone around me, to want to change them. Accept them for who they are - good or bad, and realize they made horrible choices that I had no control over. If you can, please pick up Toxic Parents, this is the bible for all of us who are suffering from unhealthy families and it gives steps to confronting your parents which are very helpful. Plus, just knowing you are NOT alone makes life so much more bearable.
I know I'm probably not much help but I really do understand what you're going through and I want you to know you WILL get through all of this. The way I survived was indulging in the wonderful things I enjoyed in life (sports, music, etc) and creating my own happiness within myself. Sure, it didn't mask the BS going on in my family but it helped me to find a happy place within me and get through it.
Good luck to you. |
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July 31, 2008, 4:46 pm PDT
My daughter is a 35 y/o married mother of two, a daughter 10 and a son 6. She is married to a career military man and they live in another state. She has been in and out of the hospital for the last two months and the only diagnosis besides contracting staph infection is severe gastritis, calcium and potassium deficiencies (according to her)
She visited me in early July for the first time in a year. I know without a doubt she is an alcoholic. She is drinking before lunch and drinks until bedtime. You never see her behavior change. She never acts "drunk". I believe her tolerance is very high although she has called both my mom and me at times late in the evening when her speech was slurred.
She needs to go to rehab. I cannot imaging what my grandchildren are going though living with an alcoholic mother. Even worse is that she is killing their mother and my daughter with the abuse.
The last time she was in the hospital I asked her husband to call me when he was not with her so we could talk about her health. He never called me. They live 7 hours away and I care for my 82 y/o mother who is oxygen dependent with COPD so I can't just leave and go confront her, create hostility and loose my ability to communicate with her at all. I am also experiencing some serious health problems myself.
In September or October they are being transferred possibly to Hawaii and I live on the east coast so time is of the essence. I don't know if he is abusing alcohol or not. I fear he may be planning to leave her when he gets this transfer. That is how he separated from his first wife.
My son-in-law doesn't seem to want to talk to me about her health. He has no idea it is alcoholism I want to discuss with him. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can get my daughter in rehab before she kills herself with alcohol or further harms her two beautiful children?
I am extremely grateful for any and all suggestions.
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