Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

So my mother who is 51 is having sex with my ex fiance' who is 27. He is the father of my 4 year old daughter and I think it is gross!! neither of them know that I know. I am married now and happy and i do not at all want him back but isnt there a moral code or something??? Please someone tell me if I am over reacting.

Have you considered an intervention? You would have to work out all of the details without the assistance of her husband, of course. This would be totally upon your shoulders, but all of the work could be well worth it if it saves your daughter’s life and the childhoods of your grandchildren. Children of alcoholics grow up quickly and they don’t even get to be children because they have to care for their parent and siblings; your oldest grandchild is probably taking on the role of caregiver to the family. She should have that burden lifted. If an intervention isn’t possible, (it would mean lining up a rehab center, confronting her and taking her there or having arrangements for her to go) then at the least could you have the grandchildren come visit you before the summer is over? Give them a couple of weeks of “normal” childhood. Then when they leave, take your chances and confront your daughter, but do it in a calm, rational way that won’t make her defensive. I wish you the best, I know this must be very difficult.

I have two older brothers (separated by 10 and 12 years). Since May 2008 my oldest brother left to Afganistan for a six month tour. So his wife and two daughters (1 month and 2 years old) came to live with me and my parents. At that time I was finishing High School. On July 1st my sister-in-law told us she was going to be leaving within a few days because things that had been addressed weren't getting done. She proceeds to tell me that I haven't been contributing with her kids. I had explained that nothing was addressed to me directly and that the responsibility isn't mine. She insisted that it was what she expected of me. I didn't feel like I HAD to help with the kids (when i wasn't asked to directly) and the fact remained that my parents help her as much as they can. Which brings me to my next annoyance of my parents. My parents have bent over backwards to help my sister-in-law out, and she remains unsatisfied. She always complains about something. Yet my parents work, come home, and seem to always be taking care of one of the kids. Along with that my parents pay for ALL her meals, the kid's meals, and sometimes gas. She is so unappreciative.

For the past two weeks my sister-in-law has been in parenting classes because of taking the kids to the ER too many times. Yet, she still manages to get away with not having to go 24 hours without help. While on many occasions my parents have had the kids for alot more than 24 hours. My sister-in-law also manages to go out frequently. Just last night she came home at 4 in the morning. In my opinion, being at 30 years old with two kids, nights out would be few and far apart. When my brother is with her she never goes out. And if she does she has a notified baby sitter. Yet last night my parents were given approx. 1hr notice. 

Lately, I feel like every ounce of happiness I have will soon be sucked out by my overbearing sister-in-law. There have been many conflicts with my sister-in-law and she has threatened to leave many times. Yet, when my parents prompt her to leave, the next week she is still here. I cannot take it anymore. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I wish my brother would come home and she would be gone. Yet, seeing as my brother still has 3 months to go, what can I even do?

 I'm sure with your brother serving in Afganistan, there is much stress in the family.  Was the sister-in-law always this controlling or is this something new?  I'm wondering if it's stemming from her worry over her husband.  I'm sure having these added people in your house is chaotic but you are not obligated to care for your nieces.  If she asks you for your help, that's one thing but to have this unspoken EXPECTATION is unreasonable.  Can you sit and talk with her about this?  Or is she so consumed with herself that it's pointless?
I really believe your parents are bending over backwards because they are so worried about their son serving overseas.  Perhaps they fear losing that deep connection with his wife and their grandchildren, so Perhaps the sis in law is going out alot to try and cope with not having her husband (your brother) around. 
Whatever her reasoning is for her bad behavior, don't allow it to consume you.  People don't always act the way we want them to. Is it possible to sit and have a civilized "family meeting'?  Where you can get your feelings out and some guidelines can be drawn up?  It sounds like everyone is very emotional in your house right now and talking it out could provide a healthy solution for the next 3 months.

READ MY DIARIES, MY MOTHER TRIED TO STEAL MY HUSBAND, AND TURN MY KIDS AGAINST ME WHEN ME AND HIM HAD A BRIEF SEPERATION,  IT'S BAD ENOUGH WHAT SHE DID TO ME WHEN I WAS BORN, LET ALONE TRYING TO LIVE THE LIFE THAT I MADE FOR MY FAMILY, I HAVE A 20 YR. OLD AND SHE HAS BEEN IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP FOR THE PAST 2 YEARS, AND I COULD NEVER IMAGINE DOING HER DIRTY LIKE THAT.  YES IT IS WRONG, BUT SOMETIMES MOTHERS LIKE TO HURT THEIR CHILDREN WHERE THE HEART IS!!!  JUST THANK GOD YOU DIDNT MARRY HIM, AND I AM SURE YOU WONDER IF ANYTHING WAS GOING ON WHEN YOU WERE WITH HIM, BUT MAYBE THEY DESERVE EACH OTHER, YOU R BETTER OFF..

i went through a divorce moved in with my parents while getting a job.  I got one got an apartment and moved the kids and I out.  The grandparents babysat the younger one while I was at work.  The older one stayed home and walked herself to and from school.  My sister lives in her own trailer on grandparents property.  She has two kids.  The kids were told by her that they don't have to call me Aunt and do anything that I say.  Told them that it was my fault they didn't have a father and they lived in a trailer.  Niece is so rude has food allergies and plays on everyone that she can't eat this or that.  My brother has a nice job and reminds everyone how great he has it.  He goes out to buy the latest this or that to show off to everyone.  While watching my son, they did the opposite of what I asked.  Let him eat junk food, drink soda, watch tv shows that I said no to.  He gained so much weight, then they started calling him names.  my daughter refused to go there.  She does very well in school, but when she is there the others are the smart ones.  She needs to do better.  So one day they came over when my kids were home alone and took them for a sleepover when I had already said no.  Told me that they had veto power.  That whenever they wanted to see them what I said didn't matter.  I went to retrieve my children and my dad (who was drunk at the time) said who do you think you are?  told me about rumors that he had been hearing about me.  When I told him that they weren't true he said don't tell me what I know to be true.  We got into a ugly fight.  He said that if I walk out the door don't come back.  I haven't .  We moved to a town approx 30 minutes away.  Then my mom started showing up at school events and approaching my children.  I sent a letter telling her to stay away or I would get a restraining order.  So, she responded by filing for grandparents visitation.  My ex is in with the parents he came to see the kids and stayed with my parents.  He even gave the kids presents from grandparents after I told him no contact.    They say that people can only walk on you if you let them.  But, they won't stop it has been over a year and they still are trying to control me.  Brother and Sister are still going around town telling everyone that i am bad parent and that my kids are horrible and evil.  I have had enough and don't know how to get them to leave me alone.  The kids parrot some of this behavior.  I thought that would go away.  But, they still try after all this time.

Austinmoon:

 

I can so relate to your situation.  My son is 42 years old.  Throughout his childhood, I gave him the best I had.  Being a single mother, with no support from his biological father, I worked hard to give him and my daughter the things they needed.  I didn't always do the right thing, I was never what I consider perfect but I loved them, never abused them and tried to be the best mom I could be.

 

My son married, his wife died when his two children were seven and eight years old.  My son drank, did drugs and was so abusive verbally to his children.  It was like the anger just took over his entire being after his wife of twelve years died.  He has seemed to now direct all his anger towards me, accusing me of not being a good mother. 

 

He found another woman about six years after his first wife died, never married her but had a child from that relationship.  The child is now five years old.  The mother of this child was diagnosed with brain cancer after the baby was less then six months old.  He ended that relationship with the mother of his child and fought for custody and the court's granted him sole custody of the baby.

 

He still has problems, he at one point was diagnosed biopolar but has chosen not to be medicated for his diagnosis.  He gets angry and for long periods of time will keep the younger child away from me.  He use to do that with the older children but now they are seventeen and eighteen and actually the oldest son lives in my home because of his father's abuse towards him.

 

He has met a woman who has two kids and she is pratically living in his home.  She supports his abuse towards his dad and I and apparently don't know his true self at this point.  Like all the others, she will soon learn she is definately in an abusive relationship. He keeps her away from us out of fear she will find out his true behavior.  That is fine, I can live with that. 

 

I can't live with the fact that my youngest grandaughter is now experiencing the same things my two older ones did.  She is now able to call me on the phone and whispers to me "I love you grandma, I miss you."  It is tearing my heart out because up until this new woman has come into his life, I have been the only woman in this child's life.  This new woman treats my grandaughter really good, all I want is to be able to see her grow up, give her all the love I can and not have to be told that "I am toxic" to this child.  That is exactly the words my son uses when he tells me why I can't visit with her. He certainly never felt I was toxic when he needed $40,000 for a custody battle, or toxic when I was protecting his three kids by babysitting while he was out drinking and drugging, looking for his next victim. 

 

Confusion, I know your pain, I know what that feels like.  If it had not been for my husband and I he would not have custody of this child.  We spent our entire life savings fighting this mother in court.  The way he is treating us at this point is just more abuse.  If it was just hurting us, I could accept that, it is hurting the child.  I can't figure out why the woman he is seeing can't see the truth, I am sure that he is lying to her about us but he has such control over this person, I can't even talk with her and allow her to know me for the person I truly am and not the person he portrays me to be. My oldest granddaughter is still living in his home, she knows the truth but will not share it with this new woman for fear of what her Dad will do to her out of retaliation.

 

I quote you "How can a loving son make such strange choices? He is living a script that he mis-interpreted when he was yound and without a dad in the house. He denies his sons access to a loving grandmother, and treats me with such disrespect.  He does call me periodically and on the phone tells me he "loves" me. "Mom, you were great. You raised three sons alone. I don't know how you did it?" He doesn't get it."

 

My son doesn't get it either, I don't think he can even imagine the kind of pain I am in and the worst part of it, I don't think he cares.  I feel he has used me up and now he has discarded me but that will all change when this woman dumps him for abuse towards her and her kids, which is going to happen, without a doubt.  I sometimes feel life is miserable and not worth the trouble, but I look at the children who have gotten away from his abuse and know I have to be there for them.

 

mattiesmaw

I wasn't sure if I should post this in Family Relationships or Parenting. I took a look at the categories and decided Toxic Family fits better.

I am the mother of a 20 year old young man who has had behavioral and health problems since he was a baby. His father and I are divorced, but are good parents and still friends with one another.

Our son is now 20, alcoholic, addicted to pot, living in a group home from which he is about to be evicted for breaking the rules, in trouble with the law, severely bipolar and unmedicated, a cutter and a potential suicide.

The hardest thing to do is watch Evan self-destruct. His dad and I have moved mountains to try and help him and none of it worked. And every time he gets in trouble, he gets rescued. I understand about detachment - it has helped me survive some pretty bad times. But each time Evan starts trouble again, his dad and I cave and come to his rescue.  Last night, Evan telephoned me to apologize AGAIN and ask me if I'd come to be with him for his court date in two weeks. And AGAIN I caved and said yes, even after telling everyone I wouldn't do it.

Part of me feels unwilling to let this child of mine get hurt. The other part of me says (and what everyone else is telling me) let him go. He has to hit bottom and realize he needs help before anything will work. He has to understand this on his own, not through his father and I constantly badgering him.

But it's so hard. How do I let go of my child, knowing he may not survive himself?

Thanks for listening.

Mims

I don't think a parent ever lets go of a child even if their self- destructiveness is hard to watch. He is an adult and has to take the first steps of recovery himself. It sounds that the combination of mental illness, addiction and erratic behaviour that you speak of has been part of a longer, larger life pattern. Your child is sick and has likely been for most of his life. If you approach this as an illness for which you have no control, then you can develop compassion and understanding for yourself and your son.  You can not control his behaviour or stop him from making the choices he makes 24-7. BUT you can keep an eye on him and support him when he makes healthy choices. So maybe that means calling the authorities on him when you worry he might hurt himself. Maybe you can talk with the staff at the group home and get community mental health involved to have him committed to a mental health facility until he takes his medication regularly, gets treatment for addiction, cutting etc. Your son sounds as if he may well have more organic brain problems (from his developmental history) this can be determined by a psychiatrist and perhaps help with placement. You can pray for him and join a support group for parents of children of mental illness, bipolar disorder etc. If you are religious and attend church, there are ministers and lay counsellors  available for counselling and support. Being honest with your son about your feelings and how you intend on supporting him may be helpful. This could involve writing a letter and outlining your wishes for him and setting your boundaries and limits clearly. Offering to go into family counselling may be appropriate. (I suspect you tried this before given the history but now that he is an adult-it may prove helpful to have him and you work on some things and then him and his father and then the three of you) this could be done in six to twelve sessions. These are some ideas. Your feelings of fear, worry, guilt, anger, shame and even hopelessness are normal and understandable. However, if you and your husband give up completely-then how much greater his own feelings of hopelessness must be.  God Bless.    

hi dr, phil

ypu want to know about toxic in laws well you come live with me or even better have the sister in-law that is suppose to be the bully tell her family to come live with me for 1 week and you will see the worst in laws anyone could ever have.........i have been married now for 4 years .....we cant have sex because his sister say so .....she calls my husband 15 or more times a day.....she tell everyone in this family how to live what they should be doing and even how do do things.......i call her the control freak.......she controlls everyone from her mother father and both brothers.....so far 1 sister inlaw has left and im not far behind....we have been taking marriage councelling for 2 years now and as for marriage councellors well you can keep them  we went threw 2 of them and still we have not had any sex....and you ask why well it goes back to the sister in law..........she may have her family controlled but not i .im not 1 to follow her orders and  this has caused a huge fight between my husband and i.........so now im seeking a divorce laywer   enough is enough ..............................................karen m***