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Topic : 03/06 Etiquette Dilemmas

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Created on : Friday, September 14, 2007, 03:44:36 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 09/18/07) Does it annoy you to no end when someone uses a cell phone at the dinner table or chews with his or her mouth open? Along with author Peggy Post, Dr. Phil tackles the dos and don’ts of etiquette. One issue making recent headlines is appropriate in-flight attire. Kyla was flying to Phoenix on Southwest Airlines when an employee informed her that her outfit was too skimpy. Kyla saw nothing wrong with the way she was dressed and was appalled when she was asked to cover up. Did the airline go overboard, or was Kyla too tantalizing for take-off? Then, Kate took her 19-month-old son on his first flight, but she was removed from the plane when he became too talkative. Was the airline out of line for telling Kate to shut her baby up? Peggy Post weighs in on this polarizing problem. And, Joan says she doesn’t have any peace at home because of all the noise her family makes – from loud chewing to clinking dinnerware. Her husband, Bob, says he and their three children have to walk on eggshells around Joan just to eat dinner. Is Joan overly sensitive, or does her family need to be reined in? Plus, meet a woman who says her husband’s bad manners didn’t disturb her until she had a baby, and a guest who nominated herself as having the worst etiquette in the country! Share your own etiquette peeves and join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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September 19, 2007, 11:36 am PDT

Misophonia

Quote From: pookdog

I have been reading about the women getting irritated with chewing and noises and other people's messages about being bothered by noises.  I would like some feedback on the words irritated and bothered.  I have had my problem since I can remember (small child).  It started mostly with eating noises (smacking lips mostly).  As I got older, it got worse.  It has controlled my life.  I know how everyone I've ever met eats.  I can picture it in my head.  I can't go to the movies unless I get there early to get a seat in the back on the end.  I have to get up and move in church when someone is chewing gum or an older person is making involuntary mouth noises over and over.  I can't ride in a car unless I feel safe that no one will be eating (but you never know when someone will get a stick of gum out or start sucking on a mint).  These are just a few small examples.  I can't feel close to someone unless they know my problem and eat quietly for me.  It means a lot to me that they would do that for me and that they always remember.  My family has always known about this problem, but I feel they don't care about me enough to not make noise.  I realize this is a lot to ask but I have tried to get help for this since I started therapy in 1987.  If I did nothing about my problem and just expected everyone to change for me I could understand how that could seem rude.  I have tried to get rid of my fear for 20 years.  I have done every kind of counseling and therapy (from group to individual, meditation, etc.).  The psychiatrists and therapists that I have encountered over all these years have never been able to help me with this and haven't heard of anything as extreme as my problem is.  I'm wondering if anyone else feels like I do and if anyone has ever gotten any relief.  Most of the therapists have said that it could and probably should be related to some type of childhood sexual abuse.  I have had a diagnosis of depression since 1989 and extreme anxiety lately ( I am now premenopausal and have a 6 year old girl and a 7 year old boy at the age of 45).  I have been on so many different types of antidepressants in all these years that I can't even remember all of them.  I also have an addiction problem and have had the inpatient treatment and counseling that go along with this.  I also have been treated for an eating disorder and continue to have problems.  When I hear these noises that everyone else is saying irritate them or bother them I feel such strong emotion that I couldn't describe it with such mild words.  It is almost as if someone is hurting me (inside my head).  If I am trapped in one of any number of situations I feel that I could go crazy on someone if I can't get away.  I am very careful what situations I put myself in, but in daily life you can't avoid things that are normal everyday occurrences.  Therefore, I am in a constant state of fear never knowing when I will be hurt and for how long I will have to endure it.  I had conversations with my first husband and with my second husband not long after we started dating about this.  They were loud eaters and I told them that I would totally understand if they didn't want to be with me, but if they did they would have to eat quietly and not make mouth noises and try to help me protect myself from their families and friends.  It is very humiliating to try to explain this to someone so I don't very often.  I just avoid people that are very nice and otherwise would be fun to be around.  I don't expect everyone to change their life for me but I have also learned through therapy that I have to take care of myself.  Since I have never been able to get any relieft or help (although I never quit trying), I just try to be very careful what situations I put myself in, but this is next to impossible because everyone has a mouth and opens it.  I know this is long--but it's been 20 years of suffering starting with the mouth noises and getting worse with all the addictions and depression compiling on top of this fear and pain I've had since I was a small child.  Anyone have any suggestions or do I just sound so insane that I should have my hearing cut off and learn to live as a nonhearing person?
I have been directed to different sites by helpful people on this message board.  I am still an amateur at this but I believe this is referred to as Misophonia.  My son, I believe, also has this condition.  There is information online if you google misophonia.  There is also a youtube video of someone who has this. That might be helpful.  It is called Hating Sound Part I and Hating Sound Part II.
 
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September 19, 2007, 11:37 am PDT

what?

Quote From: eileenqx

Thank you for explaining that to us. In that case, the advice came from a CERTIFIED doctor. The airline stewardness should be reprimaned and told to refrain from offering unauthorized medical solutions. I mean, did she have medical supplies on board, too?

 

I don't see your point. Flight attendants do have medical supplies onboard, and we are trained in first aid. Many flight attendants are also trained as nurses, EMTs, etc.

Decongestants are over-the-counter medications, and they do help alleviate the pain in childrens' ears when they fly.  I don't claim to be a doctor, though I have, on several occassions, administered first aid to ailing passengers. If a child on one of my flights is suffering from ear pain, I often suggest to the parents that the next time they fly they try one of these products.....I have never had a parent act offended that I suggest this; most of the time they aren't aware that congestion is what's causing the problem in the first place. If someone has a headache on the plane, I offer them some asprin, and if they have a stomach ache, I give them Alka Seltzer or ginger ale. Does this offend you as well? Do you think I need a medical degree in order to do so? You clearly have no idea what a flight attendant's job entails.

 
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September 19, 2007, 11:38 am PDT

Sound sensitivity

Joan describes a condition known as Misophonia or Soft Sound Sensitivity Syndrome.  I have been dealing with this all my life, and have spent many years trying to figure out what is wrong with me.  I am unable to tolerate sounds that other people are able to easily ignore (chewing, silverware clinking, lip smacking, when people pronounce the letter "s" very clearly, the "chirping" of those Nextel phones, etc.).  This has interfered with my life in the way that I can not eat around my family and have great anxiety about going into stores because I know I will hear something that bothers me.  Most people will say to "Just ignore it" and I have to say this is infuriating.  These sounds produce a true physiological response (stomach in knots, heart racing) as well as a psychological response (anger or even rage, anxiety, depression, helplessness).  I have been to countless therapists, although no one knows how to help me.  I've tried medications, relaxation techniques, meditation, etc.  Unfortunately, in reading on-line about this disorder, no one knows of anything specific to this point that will help.  I believe that this problem is more widespread than most people realize, and it is not just a matter of being overly sensitive or stressed, and ignoring the triggers really is impossible.   
 
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September 19, 2007, 11:42 am PDT

maybe you misunderstood

Quote From: annieorwell

I'm sorry you were embarrassed...I am heavy myself, but if you take up more room than a seat offers you SHOULD pay for two seats...sorry, but that is how it is.

I can sit in the seat with the armrest down, meaning i dont take up more than the seat offers. I am smushed in but i can deal with it, have been for a very long time. Even if i did as long as my husband or someone im flying with is next to me there is NO reason to purchase another seat.

If that is there policy then it needs to be on there website or when i bought the tickets at the counter it should have been told to me then. There was NO reason for someone to delay the plane just to tell me that in HIS opinion i looked uncomfortable. There was no safety issue with me being on the plane so there was no excuse for what he did. Just like Kylie, there was no safety issue that would have made it right to kick her off the plane. Southwest just needs to MIND THERE OWN BUSINESS when it comes to issues that dont have anything to do with the flight plan.

 

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September 19, 2007, 11:54 am PDT

Grow-Up and Get-Over-It

What a joke!  It's pretty evident what Kyla was after to begin with, and an apology was not it.  Attention and money is at the top of her agenda.  It's apparent that she seeks attention by not only the outfit she was (or barely) wearing, but even after she received “the only thing she ever wanted,” she is continuing with the lawsuit.  There are classy ways of displaying or showing off your "purchased assets” and that outfit is not it.  Classy is something Kyla isn't.  That clearly came across through her attitude.  She didn't give the plane tickets back until after she was booed from the audience for continuing with the lawsuit.  After reading other opinions posted here, it appears that the truth regarding her outfit and the way Southwest handled the situation has not been portrayed correctly or truthfully.  I would encourage someone from Southwest who witnessed this event firsthand come forward and tell what they saw or didn’t see. 

 

Where are the parents?  Her mother came across as someone trying to be her “best-friend,” instead of her parent.  Her mother should have asked her daughter “what were you thinking” and then taught her about common sense, accountability, consequences and respect for others, just for starters.  Kyla needs to stop acting like a spoiled child that hasn’t gotten her way, and is going to continue with her tantrum until she does.  If she was so embarrassed by all the attention she received on the plane, she should stop going on TV shows and showing her picture (which is clearly not the way she wore it that day).  She needs to grow-up and get-over-it.

 
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September 19, 2007, 12:11 pm PDT

09/18 Etiquette

Quote From: onoone02

I happen to see Kyla on the Today show with her mother and attorney. Matt interviewed her for several minutes in a close up shot. She was then asked to stand up and show the "outfit" she was wearing on that fateful day. The outfit was nice, the skirt in my opinion was a bit short, but what bothered me, was when she sat down, you could see her underwear; perhaps this was the situation on the plane. Was a family exposed to her exposure, and in trying to protect someone's innocence, did they complain?

 

Kyla said to begin with, she just wanted an apology...but now they are contemplating whether or not to file a lawsuit....is this another situation where a child being told "no" throws a tantrum and we are going to give into that "fit" ???? Our society has become a "I can do what I want no matter what"....laws are blatantly broken and another attorney makes more money and a name for themselves by defending a wrong doing. We need to start thinking others "rights"  as much as we think about our own...it may change society a little.

I disagree with you with the baby situation.  That flight was delayed 11 hrs.  That is a long time for anyone especially a child to be in an airport.  I do agree with you about giving into "fits" however according to the mom and another passenger this child was doing normal 2yr old things. 

 
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September 19, 2007, 12:32 pm PDT

Stress Response/Triggers

Hello everyone! I just joined the Dr. Phil community, and find it very interesting. After watching today's show about etiquette, I have a question. Dr. Phil said to the lady that had sound sensitivity issues that she was having a stress response and that her next step was to find out what her triggers are. He concluded by saying that he would post the information about the triggers and techniques on the website. I have tried to find that information, as it would be EXTREMELY helpful to me, but I can't seem to locate the information anywhere. If anyone could help, that would be fantastic!!!

I hope everyone has a great rest of the day! :-)
 
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September 19, 2007, 12:40 pm PDT

Sympathetic Mom

I just want to say that I sympathize with the mother who went through that horrible experience having to leave the plane for a child that was too talkative.  I'd like to see the plane turned around and removed of all the annoying adults just the same.  The smelly ones, too, that I'm forced to sit next to.  Or the ones that snore loudly while napping.  In any event, apology or not, she is right to sue this airline to inflict punishment for this mistreatment.  Not only for herself, but for her child, and the rest of us moms.  An apology is not enough.
 
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September 19, 2007, 1:05 pm PDT

Indecency

I think the unspoken problem with Kyla's attire could be that girls who wear short things often don't sit properly and exposure happens that they don't realize is happening or don't care that it is. If she reached for the above bins most certainly would raise up the dress and getting in and out of airplane seats. In my life I have told several girls to sit differently because of exposure.   I noticed the men didn't have much of an opinion on this,  but women with husbands and boyfriends don't want to be seeing that, and parents trying to raise decent girls and boys don't need it either.  I also don't appreciate the top exposure going on with plunging no necks.  That used to be reserved for nightclub atmospheres.  Wake up America.  what are we turning into.  By the way, thank you fashion industry for lengthing girls shirts this year!!

 

 

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September 19, 2007, 1:12 pm PDT

Were you there?

Quote From: yvette16

 

 

   SHE SHOULD NOT ACCEPT THE APOLOGY, THE DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE, THEY SHOULD PAY FOR IT.

   

   

You have no idea what damage was done, if any at all.  And, it she was truly embarrased, she would not be making a spectacle out of herself.  If she had any modesty at all, she would cover up her HOO HOO among other things.  Ever heard of "no shirt, no shoes, no service".  Southwest acted within their "Contract of Carriage."

 

Enough said.

 
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