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Topic : 03/26 "Change My Face, Change My Race"

Number of Replies: 337
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Created on : Friday, September 14, 2007, 03:47:34 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 09/20/07) Most everyone has thought about removing imperfections -- a nip here, a tuck there. But some people want plastic surgery to erase their ethnic identity! First up is James. He says he doesn’t want to change anything about himself because Asians are intellectually superior, and women should obey men. His wife, Roseanna, says he’s a controlling racist who demeans women, and she says she needs help before he corrupts their 11-year-old son. James says he’s ready to serve Roseanna her walking papers if she doesn’t become more obedient. Is James a controlling bigot or simply misunderstood? Then, Dr. Phil explores the pros and cons of eyelid surgery -- one of the most common cosmetic procedures for Asian women … and one of the most controversial! He talks to a woman who had a fold added to her upper eyelid, a plastic surgeon who performs these procedures and two guests who believe the surgery erases Asian heritage. Plus, Brad says he hates his nose, and he wants plastic surgery to look less Italian. His mother, Debbie, says she loves the way he looks -- big schnoz and all! Brad’s surgery is only a month away. Can Debbie convince him he's perfect just the way he is before he goes under the knife? Talk about the show here.

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September 19, 2007, 12:11 am CDT

GET OUT

Quote From: lac1962

I am a 45 year old Caucasion American woman whom married an Asian man from Hong Kong. Even though my husband came here to the USA when he was 16 years of age, he still hasn't got with the program yet! I have been with him 20 years now and 17 of them married. He was totally different before we eloped, but as soon as those papers were signed, "HE WAS ALL, ME, ME AND ME".....  I always come #8. What I mean by that is, first comes himself, then his job (works in restaurant for family), then come his parents, then come his brother and sisters, then come his nieces and nephews, then comes anyone of Asian descent, then comes his own children (if they were full-blooded Asian they may have come 2nd), then comes me.

He has never physically hit me, but the silence and the verbal and emotional abuse has taken it's toll. I have done everything in my power to try and save our marriage (even went to a marriage councelor for a year "bye myself", he wouldn't even do a single phone-conversation with councelor). I have 3 boys and 1 girl and now my daughter is feeling the effects from it, this is why I must seriously get out!!!

I need your help Doctor Phil. There is absolutely no talking to this man, when I say "we need to sit-down and talk" he just about laughs in my face, there is now way he is going to take advice from a woman never mind listen to one, especially an American Woman.

Our daughter is absolutely georgous (modeling material) and I, myself, need one of Doctor Phils "Extreme Makeovers". I have no slef-esteem left, whatsoever. I hate myself for allowing things to deteriate this far, and especially hate myself due to the fact that my daughter asks me on a daily basis, "mom, please lets just get out of here and leave these men to fend for themselves".

My heart breaks for her, but I try to explain to her that with no money we are unable to go anywhere. A few months ago, he took the check-book and all the credit-cards away from me, another one of his control tactics.

I was working 5 days a week, down to 3 days a week, down to 1 day a week, so I just left (It's because almost all the work has been completed here since "Hurricane Charlie" hit and it seems as though there is a depression here, in Charlotte County, Florida.  Foreclosures went up 90% and taxes tripled since then and there are over 7,500 houses for sale here, not including the foreclosures which alone is 9,500 homes), and since I am not working, my husband hasn't spoken to me and has made his room on the sofa since. I think that the sofa part is the best thing that has happened in our relationship (will not tell him that) but, the "SILENCE" is another one of his control issues and it has broken the last straw on the camels back, so to speak.

I have taught myself how to tile and have made counter-tops for our kitchen, tiled Master-Bath and am 1/2 way done with guest bathroom/kids bathroom. I tell my husband that I have checked newspapers, online, etc. for a job, there is nothing out there, and that I am saving him a bunch of money doing all the tiling (due to Hurricane Charlie), and his responce is "your tiling doesn't pay my ******* bills!" I just want to puke when he speaks.

The race issue I can deal and live with but, the cultural issue I cannot live with any longer, and feel completely trapped.

I have written to the Tyra Banks Show trying to get my daughter into modeling, "this is my daughters goal and her dream", and I just know that she would be so good at it, but I would be embarassed for my daughter because of how I have let myself worth, and feel that I couldn't represent her in an up-lifting manner because of my appearance.

Please, Oh please Dr. Phil, help us.  THANK YOU!!!!

 

Truly,

 

L & E Chan

 Why in the world are you still there?   As Dr. Phil says, you teach people how to treat you...and you've done just that.  Get out!  You've got skills to get a job and there are many places that can help you through the transition.  Stop worrying about your daughter's modeling career and start talking to a lawyer.   You are a human being who deserves much more than a husband who has no respect for you controls you as if you were his slave.  Leave his a**.  Yes, it will be scary, but so, so, worth it, and you can do it.  It's time to be a self-sufficient adult dependent on no one and a mother who takes charge of the upbringing of her children, so they don't  take after their father and feel it's acceptable to treat others as he does or be treated this way.   Get a backbone and do it... and most importantly, contact a lawyer... more than likely, you are owed 50% of earnings acquired during your marriage - perhaps more if you retain custody of the kids.   I apologize if I came across as harsh...I only meant to be firm.   Best of luck...you are in my prayers.
Please respond because I'm worried for you and your children.
 
September 19, 2007, 1:16 am CDT

Agree

Quote From: kristy_kymom

Whats the dirrerence in getting a boob job or a tummy tuck and changing your face?

I don't see what is wrong with improving your appearance.IF WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND NEVER LIKE WHAT YOU SEE INSTEAD OF FIGHTING IT FIX IT SO YOU CAN MOVE ON!!

You only live once...

 
September 19, 2007, 11:24 am CDT

09/20 "Change My Face, Change My Race"

my daughter is from the philippines and she is beautiful.  i would be so saddened if she chose to have surgery to change her looks. her asian appearance is beautiful.  be proud of your heritage.
 
September 19, 2007, 6:43 pm CDT

09/20 "Change My Face, Change My Race"

 I think this is sad.  I'm not pretty but I'd never have my face changed; I'd rather look like myself.  The models in magazines are beautiful but one looks almost like another, and even the non-white ones seem to be picked to have the most European features possible, just with a bit of coloring.  How boring.

I went to college with a guy who had a long, very high-bridged nose, and he said kids used to tease him about it, which is sad because he was very handsome.  He just looked distinctive.  (I've got the opposite--a very short pug nose with wide nostrils.  I used to get teased about that, too.)
 
September 19, 2007, 11:20 pm CDT

Run away from the abuse

Quote From: nobraves

 Why in the world are you still there?   As Dr. Phil says, you teach people how to treat you...and you've done just that.  Get out!  You've got skills to get a job and there are many places that can help you through the transition.  Stop worrying about your daughter's modeling career and start talking to a lawyer.   You are a human being who deserves much more than a husband who has no respect for you controls you as if you were his slave.  Leave his a**.  Yes, it will be scary, but so, so, worth it, and you can do it.  It's time to be a self-sufficient adult dependent on no one and a mother who takes charge of the upbringing of her children, so they don't  take after their father and feel it's acceptable to treat others as he does or be treated this way.   Get a backbone and do it... and most importantly, contact a lawyer... more than likely, you are owed 50% of earnings acquired during your marriage - perhaps more if you retain custody of the kids.   I apologize if I came across as harsh...I only meant to be firm.   Best of luck...you are in my prayers.
Please respond because I'm worried for you and your children.

Get the heck out of there!! let "him him him" take care of him self.... and just dont settle for this pathetic excuse of a marriage..

 

Lots of people pretend their way into a relationship, and when they reveal themselves.... the other person leaves...

 

You have stayed way too long

 
September 20, 2007, 12:22 am CDT

I'm Surprised.

Granted that I've lived out of the U.S. for a few years, but I was incredibally surprised when I watched Dr. Phil talking with the individuals who wanted to change their facial features in order to look more Caucasion.

 

I wanted to ask Brad if he has ever visited Italy or has taken the effort to learn much concerning his family heritage? As a resident of the U.K., our family has enjoyed visiting Italy on several occassions. We love it! Italy is beautiful, industrious, and has a rich history. They possess national pride.

 

America historically has been a country that has accepted all nations to its borders. Lady Liberty continues to do that. However, based on watching this show, I wonder how we adopted the mental attitude that to be accepted and popular, it's necessary to look Caucasion? Please be proud of who you are!

 

Thankful to be an American,

student_life

 
September 20, 2007, 5:58 am CDT

ITs not appearence Its Feeling

Change my face and change my race, wow what is going on here.? What is the problem ? Those are the questions I ask when I see this topic. We as individuals are so caught up on how we look that is just so offensive and downgrading not to ourselfs but others including but not limited to our mothers and fathers the one who had a hand in this.. Are we so willing to change who we are and how we look to embarrass and hurt the ones we so call love.. The issue here is not how we look but deep inside, its about how we feel. We have let people influence us on how perfect we should look, when in reality those inperfections that we have are the very things that make us unique from one another ; until we can accept the fact that we are not perfect and never will be perfect than we are going to continue to feel this way. So heres a little advice change your mental state go seek professonal help and if you can't find it there go seek God.
 
September 20, 2007, 6:12 am CDT

I believe this..

I believe that no matter what color you are, you are still going to find racist people.  And be treated differently.  I know what it's like to be the only white person on a bus that is predominantly black and hispanic bus full of men, and I am a woman.  You think I didn't hear things.  But I sit there, because I was just entitled to be on that bus as they were.  Scared yes.  But it doesn't want to make me change my race.  Because all you have to do is move alittle bit geographically and you will find your race.  If that's what you feel comfortable with.  But people should be accepting of you no matter what you look like.  Even where I live, black women are prejudiced against white women.  They want nothing to do of us.  I'm not and still say hey there how are you doing and be as nice as I can.  But they still look down their nose at me.    I think this will continue if not get worse, until Jesus Christ comes back.
 
September 20, 2007, 6:19 am CDT

Self-Hate and Don't judge Asian Men by James' remarks

We live in the U.S. and western culture is so powerful and overwhelming it can lead to self-hating and feeling ugly. Western culture sets the standards for success and beauty. The pressure is so enormous, that eye lid surgery has become a political statement of whether or not one accepts one accepts her ethnity. We are not a color-blind nation. ( Also, eye lid surgery is not the same as a tummy tuck. Tummy tucks don't have the cultural baggage of changing the look of your own race.) While many Asian women will seek eye lid surgery to look more western; others will marry White guys and feel like they married up.

As for James, he too is bombarded with messages about the superior western culture. And I think he's feeling the self-hate and  working overtime, overreacting by  telling himself how superior he and fellow Asians are and how low other etthnic groups are. He reinforces his own sense of superiority by marrying down (his perception of who's down). Actually, James is so insecure, wrong-headed, I couldn't begin to understand what's going on in that brain of his. I'm embarrassed for him, and I hope people aren't judging Asians or Asian men by him.
 
September 20, 2007, 6:26 am CDT

Sorry, but DNA is passed on..................

I am an Italian-American.  I passed my Italian nose, big brown eyes, olive skin, and etc.  on to five absolutely gorgous boys.  I cannot believe people that get nose jobs, eye jobs....whatever.  My dad gave me my nose...I passed it on (along with hubby) and these kids are going to pass it on!!!!  That's the beauty of it.  No surgery will ever make it go away!!!  DUH!!!!
 
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