Topic : 09/21 Does Age Matter?

First of all I’m a huge fan of Dr.Phil, but on this particular show I totally disagree with his opinion. Why is it okay for men to date anybody they want no matter the age, it would be okay for a 38 year old guy to date an 18 year old girl but it is not okay for the vice versa and I think that the boy approached her first and I think he does luv her so what is the point on opposing their relationship. I don’t think that Dr.Phil should have said what he said I think they should stop when they wanna stop as long as there is luv in one’s relationship I don’t see the problem.  

Mieraf,

Ethiopia

I agree with you, at 18 you are an adult really.  I was 18 when i met my partner and eight years on we are still going strong, he is 25 years older than me.  Of course we had problems because of the difference in age, and occasionally we still do, but what relationship doesn't have creases to iron out at the start?  If they do love one another then they will stay together, she should not feel guilty and should not be made to feel guilty about falling in love with a consenting adult.  Although what is the legal age of consent in the US?  In the UK it's 16.

VickyLee

We just saw this show in Australia today. I thought Dr Phil was too hard-line with Shelly and Mark. It's not as if this age difference could NEVER work, just that it's less likely with him being so young. He's also assuming that every relationship has to be entered with the plan to make it "happy ever after" whereas I feel there's value in short term learning and growing experiences as long as everyone involved is on the same page about what it is. Here in Australia Mark would be considered an adult and equally responsible for the relationship and his choices.

When I was 36 I had a wonderful short-term relationship with a 23 year old, it was incredibly restorative to me having come out of a marriage in which I wasn't sexually appreciated. He didn't suffer too much from it ... other than exhaustion sometimes! In this case, he decided we didn't have enough in common to take the relationship further and he was probably right in this (he was a champion hockey player and I'm not THAT active!). However, we stayed friends a long time after, even when I remarried (someone my own age with whom I broke up 11 years later! Just not enough in common there).

I am now happily with someone 15 years my junior (he is now 37 and I am 52), we have lived together for 4 years. Does it make all the difference that he was 33 when we met? Definitely old enough to know his own mind and to know I was who he wanted to spend his life with. I have never wanted children and took steps at 28 to make that an impossibility, so perhaps that's why I'm not squicked out by the "I could have given birth to him" thing as some women seem to be. Having been with other older women who had kids, he'd already made the decision they were not for him! I am not mutton dressed as lamb, but I also don't look my age, so very few people give us a second look as we get around the small town we have chosen to live in. We have so much in common, we play heavy rock music together in a band, like similar books, movies, TV shows etc. His family has accepted me totally as they are just so happy to see him happy, likewise, my Mum thanks him for giving her "my daughter back, she was so snappy when she was unhappy". We are looking forward to growing old disgracefully together!

As a professional, I think Dr Phil should try to step outside of his own values and prejudices sometimes and look a bit more objectively at a situation.

This episode was shown here yesterday (I think it was a rerun). This was the first time for me that I completely disagree with Dr. Phil. I felt there was a serious double standard there. I don't know how old this Adrienne was when she met Christopher, but it must have been her early twenties. Mark was almost 18 when he fell in love with Shelly. I know you have a lot of maturing between 18 and let's say 23, but to treat the case of Adrienne and Christopher so dramatically different from Mark and Shelly... I was deeply disappointed by this, especially by Dr. Phil's total lack of understanding for Shelly.

When I saw Adrienne and Christopher, I saw two people trying to make it work, despite the age difference. I don't think age would be the senior factor if they would separate.

Now, about Shelly and Mark. I think Shelly was very brave for sending her letter to Dr. Phil. I felt she was very honest, down-to-earth and open about what she was feeling. So maybe she seemed not overly assertive, but she did not come across as insecure to me! I saw a woman who had fallen for the attention of a handsome young man and who felt rejuvenated, energized, invigorated by that. She was well aware of the fact that in the long run, her relationship with Mark might not stick, but as she said, she just wanted to enjoy the moment and her current happiness and learn from the experience. And why shouldn't she be allowed to do that?! A woman's sexual peak is in her thirties and fourties. I felt as if Shelly was not allowed these feelings because she was a mother. A woman should not be identified as being only a mother, beautiful as motherhood can be. 

I did find the fact that Mark was a friend of her son problematic, and I can imagine it must have been difficult for her to choose her own happiness over that of her son, but I think, in the end, her son was not damaged by the situation. And how bad can it be to see your mother happy?

So, Shelly, if you are reading this, don't feel guilty for choosing for yourself! You shouldn't have to deny yourself this joy out of concern that you might hurt others in the process, Mark or your son. They are both adults now.