Topic : Being a Good Friend

There is no reason to stop seeing him! You need to be best friends with the person you love and marry in life!?  No hard done by dating him.  I would not go pick out a white dress just yet.  But why not date, have a good time and see where it ends up.  Life is too short to pass up feelings and love! 

I have to point out what I thought was odd from your post. How can you truly and honestly be "best friends" with a person that you've only periodically over the years? I can understand feeling close, admiring a person, and enjoying a friendship... but best friends without seeing one another for so long? Don't trick yourself into something that isn't there. 

As for dating this man... you absolutly should go for it! If you are feeling happy and content, then that is what is important. What could go wrong? If things don't work out, you would only see one another periodically again. However, it sounds as though things will work out- so go for it! 

I'm not going to be negative, because I haven't ever "been there" and I can't judge. However I do have some suggestions for you and I hope that you will seriously consider them. First of all, have you considered that maybe you are infatuated with the fantasy of being with this man? The behavior you are engaging in is highly risky, probably giving you a bit of a "high" when you get away with it in public, and that 'high' can be addictive, too.  Think of that old saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side..." In other words, you want what you can't have... but once you do have it, it will lose its appeal. 

Secondly, you said that you are always wondering what would have happened if after his first divorce you spoke up about your feelings... well, he is the one who engaged in oral sex with you, doesn't he know your feelings?  

I don't know you, but your definition of friendship isn't the same as mine. Where I come from, a true friend isn't a friend who would be screwing around with my husband! You describe his wife as a "good friend" and that this man and your husband are best friends. Some friend! A true friend wouldn't be playing with fire like this, they would be running away from the fire. What you need to do is limit your contact with this guy- your life will go on, and you know for sure that his life will go on- because after all, he is married. 

Its disturbing how little regard and respect you have for all of the other people in this situation. I urge you to consider the outcome of the two scenarios: the first scenario is that he gets divorced, you get divorced, you ride off into the sunset... then you get into your daily routines, the sex gets mundane, and your prize is no longer so shiny. The second scenario is that you avoid this man and you focus on your own marriage and improving your self esteem... then you will become a fullfilled person who won't need to affection/attention of another man to validate your feelings as a woman. 

I thought I had a best friend who I would know for the rest of my life.  However, she keeps going behind my back and talking about me  with my other friends.  It really bothers me, if she wanted to know something shouldn't she just ask me.  When I found out the last time I really lost my temper, I was really mean to her, and I am ready to call it quits.  The really bad thing is I love her to kids so much, that even know I think I could walk away from her, I don't think that I could leave the kids.   I am not heartless, just tired of getting hurt by the ones I love.  How much should I put up with before I terminate our friendship. 

I'm good  friends with this woman for many years.   She says she is bi-polar but she seems normal to me that she is able to function at work and she didn't seem to have any problems growing up.   I have known her for over 30 years.    

My problem is while talking to her or e-mailing.    She gets upset and mad over the slightest little advice or personal opinion I may share with her.    She seems to want me and others to always agree with her point of view and if we don't then she acts like a child and stomps off to sulk in the corner.     

How do I deal with someone who is this way?    She is a good friend but not when I have to limit what I say or do around her.   She is very frustrating and sometimes I think it is not worth having her for a friend anymore.    She says she has a multitude of illnesses or things wrong with her but yet she sure does have alot of energy to go shopping or travelling.   Is she lying or just want people to feel sorry  for her?     

Thanks.  

Hi All , My concern is I am too oversensitive.A friend of mine is constantly agreeing to go places and attend functions with me until the very last minute when she always has an excuse. 

We have a holiday place on the lake to where we go most weekends.I have asked her 5 or 6 times since Christmas to bring her family away to which every time she seems all enthusiastic then at the very last minute she comes up with an excuse.Only last month I had a BBQ at home in the back yard for my birthday there was about 40 people attending , again I asked her and she told me the kids were excited and she couldn't wait....I told my husband I don't think she'll come as I am used to her knockbacks....Around 4pm that afternoon sure enough there was the call , her husband had to work late , I told her to bring the kids out as there were children the same age as hers attending but then she said the kids need to get some rest as they had a big week at school !!!! I have been friends with this person for around 15 years but I think the friendship has run it's course. 

Do you think I am being over sensitive by being annoyed with her ? 

You aren't being overly sensitive by being annoyed about her canceling plans at the last moment, that is truly annoying! The first thing that came to my mind while reading your post was that my mother does this same thing often to her friends, and they don't know it, but she suffers from depression and low self esteem, so to the world she appears to be a woman who functions fine, but really, she puts on a great act. I get so frustrated when relatives talk about how she cancelled out at last minute for this and that, because on one hand I want to defend her, and on the other hand, I know how annoying this is! I wish that she would just be honest and say "no thanks" and I'm sure that you feel the same way with your friend. My suggestion is that the next time you invite her to do something, let her know that its okay to say no, or to say that she has other plans, etc. Do this in a non-confrontational manner, because for all you know, you might be the first person who has ever told her this. Let her know that you cherish your friendship with her. She might have many issues that you don't know about. Of course, if she continues to say yes and still cancel, you shouldn't keep extending the invitations and being annoyed, its draining- I should know. Have a heart to heart talk with her and find out if she is avoiding something, etc. I wish you well! 

The best way to find out is by not asking about her illness- don't give her the "attention" that she is seeking. When she talks of her illness, change the subject- before seeing her/having contact with her, think of subjects that you can talk about so you will have a mental list of how to change the subject. Maybe she is addicted to being negative because she gets more 'attention' that way. That type of person is draining and its easy to get bored quickly of trying to 'save' the friendship! I think that the next time something sets her off, don't let it go, find out exactly what she thinks you should (or shouldn't) have said or done, tell her that you truly want to know what it was that you said or did, and you truly want to know what she thinks you should have done instead.  

Its very possible that she is bi-polar, there are millions of functioning bi-polar people in the world. Its not an excuse, however, to be rude or insensitive.