Topic : Being a Good Friend

It sounds to me that he is only using you for a bit of fun on the side and a way of building up his ego.If he wanted more than that you would be together now and no~one or nothing would be in the way.It's so easy to get swept up in believing the grass is greener on the other side , and the thought of someone else finding you attactive is also a confidence booster but at the end of the day do you think it is worth risking your marriage?Think of your husband how would you feel if it were he that were messing around with one of your girlfriends?It is a messy situation you are in one that will end in heartbreak if it continues.You never said whether you loved your husband ? If things are not right with him maybe you should try to sort things out on the homefront.Perhaps the best advice I can offer is play it cool and forget the past playtimes with this friend and continue to concentrate on your marriage.Never let your husband find out your feelings for this friend as it will destroy all !  

Wishing you all the best. 

Not at all I really think she's being unsensitive to your feelings. 

The truth often is hard to say but maybe you should have a heart to heart with her and let her know how frustrated you are sometimes people don't know how much they are hurting the other person.I'd talk to her then give it one last shot then if it doesn't pan out get her out your life ! 

Good to see another Aussie girl here.All the best. 

Hi, I would just like to get some other people's views on this. 

I have a girlfriend who works along side me, she is a notch higher than me, but we have been good friends for the past 3 years, but over the last year we have become real close, in the sense that we go out for lunch, have laughs and jokes etc, she has been over to my home over christmas.  We are the same age, have children of the same age and have been married for the same length of time. 

She is very exacting, and no one in the office seems to like her, even the people that we know mutually -  do not like her a bit, she is very aggressive, swears alot, extremely cranky and takes offence to the least thing.    My friends keep asking me as to why I stick around with her and I always seem to find excuses as to why I like being her friend.  She is also very hot headed, and moody you never know when she is in one of those moods, as she would suddenly snap at you.  Due to these various reasons, most people stay away from her.  I was the only one who befriended her and have been able to be friends with her, because I put up with all her nonsense, taken all her insults and have always stood up for her when other people have put her down.  She never joins in the office parties, as she does not seem to get along with anyone and no one gets along with her.  I am the only person that she actually has anything to say at all.  But for the past 6 months, she has constantly insulted me, not talked to me for no reason at all and always expected me to go around and make amends which I have done.  I also keep giving her gifts all the time and paying for lunches inspite of the fact that she mades double the money that I make, the reason for the gifts is because I feel sorry for her as she always has a long face and is always playing the victim role.  This time round I have gone fed up of putting up with this childish behaviour.  I do really like her, because as much as she is cranky she also has a lighter side to her which is very rare, she is also very smart and clever which I admire alot.  I have tried very hard to ignore her at work, but since we work in close proximity it is very hard to do,  this is really affecting me and my family life, I don't want to quit my job because I have a really good job, but at the same time I cannot put up with this sort of behaviour.    So could you please give me some advice on this, which would be much appreciated.    Is she a friend or is she just using me?.  Thanks 

I have a friend who has been hanging out with another friend of her's a lot lately. Well let me back up just a little bit.  

Anabelle is my best friend. She is a good person, she goes to church, Loves her husband, And likes to hang out with other people who like the same thing. Both of our husbands are in the Army and are deployed to California (we live in Las Vegas)  

Sometime after Jan. she started to hang around Lisa (her friend) alot more then she ever has. She didn't call much anymore, and when I did talk or see her she was different. I found out that she was going to happy hour with lisa and would go out to a club or two with her. Well she cheated on her husband. She told both me and my husband about it and after a lot of thought my husband called her and told her that she needed to tell him. She said that she had her reasons not to. Well the next evening she called her husband and told him. She then called me and told me that she told him because she did not want my husband to tell him (even though he wasn't going to.) I really didn't know what to say or do so I talked to a friend of hers and asked her what she thought. She agreed with me that Lisa was not a good influence on her. Well she found out that I talked to her other friend about Lisa and was pissed to say the least. She told me that she wished we would of told her to her face (which I did at one time and she lost it and told me how good lisa was) I reminded her that I have told her that Lisa is not good for her and told her what she said about the whole thing. She proceeded to tell my that Lisa is a good friend and she is the only one that has been there for her and understood where she was coming from and said if she wanted to go out and do new things then she would be right there with her. She was and she even was there and took off her wedding ring with her while at the bar. A couple of days before she told her husband that she cheated on him she told him that maybe it would be better if they seperate because he has had problems in the past with money and telling her if he spent anything and when she went to the mail she got the credit card statement and decided that because once again he forgot to tell her or as she says lied to her it was time to split. Now that she told him she is trying to tell everyone that it is because of his problems before this (cheating) that is the reason they are spliting up, but for some reason i just can't sit here and trey to justify that money is worse then cheating.  

I love Anabelle to death, but how do you make her see what she doesn't want too?  

Any suggestions on any of the stuff I wrote would be so greatful. Her husband is beside himself and thinks that if he would of done something different then this would not have happend. I don't know.  

Please help.... 

Thank you. Amber 

Hi 

Thank you for replying to my message.  I have gotten the same answer from other people including my husband.  The thing that infuriates me the most  is that when I try and ignore her, she comes around to the desk of the girl who sits right beside me and makes idle chit chat with her  inspite of the fact that she does not like this girl at all, and then she begins to laugh so loudly that the whole office vibrates with her laughter.  This time round as much as I was tempted to say something to her, I held my tongue.  And this time I am sure, even though I can't prove anything that she is talking behind my back.   

Any ideas as to how I should avoid her but at the same time, making sure that my feelings are not exposed on my sleeves. 

Thanks 

Hi  

Thank you so much for your input, it makes me feel a lot better after reading what you said.  

This morning I saw her, her husband and her daughter at the pet store and I was also with my husband and daughter.  I intially did not see her, and I began talking to my husband and all of a sudden, I heard my name being mentioned asking me "Hey ...........What are you doing here?" and she was all smiles, with a parrot on her finger telling me that she was there to buy herself a bird, I just looked at her said I was there to check out the animals, said hi to her husband had a few words with her daughter and continued on my way.  The whole time that I was there she kept turning around and waving out to me.  What do you make of this kind of behaviour.  In my opinion I think it is really bizarre, because tomorrow when she is at work, she will go crazy again.  She seems to mistake my kindness for a weakness and plays on it. 

I am going to take your advice and totally ignore her and see if she comes to her senses - which I am highly doubtful of.  I had this other friend of mine at work who constantly told me the same thing that you have said, but I never listened to her, but hearing it from you sheds a whole new different light. 

Thanks again. 

Don't "beat yourself up" for not listening to your other friend a long time ago- sometimes you just need to hear that same advice from a person who is outside of the situation, that way you know for sure that person is totaly unbiased, which I am. This co-worker sounds like she is unstable and maybe even has a mental illness, have you ever suspected that? is that why you have felt sorry for her? Either way, its best that you keep your distance and stop feeling sorry for her. Its obvious she doesn't feel sorry for you, she is her first priority and it sounds like she doesn't consider your feelings at all. Who needs friends like that? Not you! 

I am step-mom to a wonderful 4 yr old boy, and have a 6 yr. old daughter of my own.  Just for some background, I have been in my SS life since he was about 6 weeks old.  Fortunately, he and my daughter get along great and view themselves as bona fide siblings, and my husband and I treat them as such.  We share custody with his mother.  We live only a mile apart, so my SS is able to have time at both houses each day.   

The problem is with ME.  In the past, I had limited personal conversations with his mom due to the fact that we were going thru custody/child support issues and things were tense and uncomfortable.  In the past year, those things have settled down, and she and I started being social with one another.  Meaning, we would take the kids out on our own to do activities, and occasionally would hang out together without the kids.  At first, this seemed fine.  We are the same ages and have the same taste in music and social life.  But after a while, I started leaving the gatherings either "mixed up" or just annoyed.  I have been trying to put my finger on why that is.  To begin with, we have very different styles of parenting.   According to Dr. Phil's test, I am equally an Authoritative/Equalitarian parent, as is my husband.  My SS mom is Permissive and parents out of guilt and wanting to be liked (she admits to this).   So when we hang out with the kids together, I have to keep from trying to take over the mom role and do it "my way."  He is so much better behaved in my opinion when I do it.  I don't ENJOY feeling this way, though.  Second, when things come up and schedules change, appts. are made and such,  I have been getting so irritated if things have to be rearranged for his mom and her schedule.  Our life is very settled, whereas hers is not.  Working hours sometimes change and she is a full time student.  There is always something going on.  Sometimes my husband and I feel "on call" as parents.   

I just have a horrible feeling that deep down I am a bad person for feeling this way.  I have tried to stay in the background and let my husband and my SS mom do the pick up/ drop offs,  appts. etc.  But they are NOT good communicators with each other.  Plus, since I have been around from the beginning, it only feels natural for me to parent him and be involved.  So to "butt out" feels unnatural.  To her credit, I have never been left out, nor has she made me feel unwelcome in my role as his step mom.  I just don't know why I am feeling the way I am.  Could it be that I am not over all the arguments and issues from the past?  Even those issues are nothing I have control over or can change.  I love my SS, and I don't dislike his mother.  Why am I having a hard time with this NOW, after 4 years? I know about good fences and boundaries and all that.  But how do you go backwards as a friend, when you have stepped forward as one?  If it were up to his mother, she would like to have one big happy family.  So then I feel like a jealous prude.  Neither my husband nor I are comfortable with the whole big family idea, though.  (They were never married or in an "official" relationship-bottom line, didn't know each other that well).  I DON'T LIKE feeling bitter and resentful towards someone who is so willing to make this work.  Should I totally back track and keep things strictly parent to parent, or is there a chance we could be friends if I worked these issues out?  Any advice?