Topic : Being a Good Friend

Its been 4 years, and you've got many, many more years to go! It is understandable that you would still have some resentment over past issues, but its time to forgive and forget. This woman sounds like she is truly doing her best. Have you ever heard the saying, "when you know better, you do better.." ? This saying applies to her. I'm sure it applies to you, too. It means we learn from our mistakes, as opposed to making the mistakes and then keep on making the same mistakes over and over. 

You are in a position that millions of step mothers would love to be in! You are lucky but maybe you just don't realize that? You are living a situation that is, more often than not, a very tense one, but you are living it relatively relaxed. Perhaps you are uncomfortable because you think things shouldn't be going well between all of you? I just don't see why you can't relax and be flexible. If you are feeling "on call" .. well.. thats too bad, really, because as parents you truly are on call 24/7 whether you like it or not!  

What is the relationship like between your daugher's father and your husband? Is there one? Perhpas the lack of that relationship effects how you feel about this relationship with your SS mother? There are many, many factors... but I think that the bottom line is you really have it made, and you should be happy for what you have. You are going to raise two happy and emotionaly healthy children, what more could you want? 

Hi 

Coming to think about what you said about her instability, I do think that there is something mentally wrong with her.  It is either that or it is just jealously that is eating at her, because at one time I was her assistant and now I am just one rung away from her  - all in a span of 2 years.  She gets very upset when I join or talk to certain people even though they no longer work in the same office anymore - she gets really irate when she finds me talking to other people.  I only have to talk with her, go out with her, be with her etc., etc., she gets very offended when I even talk to my boss, as she says I am sucking up to the higher ups.   

 After reading your message, I was absolutely firm that I was not going to let her get the better of me and I stuck to my guns.  Now she is absolutely livid that I going for lunch with some of my other friends whom she does not know - as she always expects me to include her in everything I do.  I normally would have - but this time, I literally told her to get lost.  I am so thankful to you for opening my eyes to her craziness.  She always seems to have a strangle hold on me.  I guess it does take someone on the outside to get you thinking 

Thank you so much for your advice, it is really appreciated. 

Thanks for the encouragment.  You said some stuff that rings true to me.  My EX lives in a different state, and therefore isn't a part of our daily lives.  He has only had a need to meet my husband a few times.   

What I meant about the "on call" situation is when you are raising a child with two parents, there is always the coordinating and shuffling of schedules that goes into that.  But when you are doing it with four very different adult's schedules, things tend to get twisted up sometime.  Our two familes are in just very different positions.  I don't mind doing things for my kids at all-don't get me wrong.  It is just different to have to turn your own families schedule upside down to suit someone else's lifestyle.  You can only smile and mean it so many times.   

I liked what you said when you said "when you do better, you know better"  I really need to think on that.  I have almost pinned it down for me.  I think I am just afraid.  That things are just good right now b/c she is in a good position with her live in boyfriend and things are going nicely.  Afraid of the  "control" she has over our home -with my SS and financially.  In our eyes, she has taken advantage of the financial side of it, so now it is very hard for me to trust her.  She seems to be the kind of person to me who will do whatever it takes for her to get by, even at the expense of others.  There is just allot of history that I didn't go into to begin with.  I am ALL for helping people and being financialy and emotionally there for your children.  But when others start to count on it as a form of income so they don't have to work and have more children or abuse it when they don't get what they want from you, I have problems with that.  BUT , remembering what you said, I haven't seen anything super alarming on a while.  I guess I do need to lighten up, but keep certain boundaries that my husband and I are both comfortable with.  Thanks again for replying. 

I'm so glad for you that you are breaking away from her hold over you!!  

It sounds like she does have a mental disorder or a personality disorder, or, maybe both. Think about what a real friend is- do they call you names and/or accuse you of doing things that are negative such as "sucking up to the boss" etc.. no.. they don't do that! She only did that because she is so full of jealousy she can't stand the fact that you might have contact with someone else. You are doing the right thing by pulling away from her, keep up the good work! Giving this woman any control over your life or emotions is a mistake. Only YOU should control those feelings. Good luck to yoU! 

I have a friend of 16 yrs. She has been with this low life man for 10 yrs. She has 3 kids by him. Well in these five years he has cheated on her many, many times. He has conceived 2 kids by other women in the past 2 years. She takes him back everytime. He recently bought a house that they both share and things seemed to be doing well. Just last week she found him cheating with a woman 2 houses down from them. The other woman says she may be pregnant by him. You would think that my friend would be fed up but, I know that she will end up going back to him. I am to my wits end with her. I have tried to tell her in the past to leave him alone. I don't know what more I can do to convience her that this man after all these years will not stop cheating it is an addiction. Any suggestions? 

My dear friend has problems with depression although she is on medication 90% of the time she doesn't take it. She says she doesn't like to take pills. I try to encourage her to take her meds but she still will not take them. 

 Everything puts her in a bad/dpressed mood she doesn't put anything on the back burner just for now so that we all can have a nice time together..In the course of one day her mood is from one end of the scale to another. She's always in a funk we've tried getting her to talk about it she is tight lipped we've tried being cheerful and upbeat taking her out to lunch taking her out shopping nothing gets her out of her funk. It always ends the same way her funk puts all of us in a funk and then nobody has a good time.  

I don't know what to do for her anymore..I'm at my witts end. I've tried talking to her husband but,he's a self centered jerk he doesn't care. 

I've ask her time after time "is everything okay"?  "what can I do to help?" her reply everytime is I don't need help nothing is wrong just your avereage day to day stress of life. 

My question is How do I deal with her depression? What can I do or say  to make her feel better?  I really hate seeing her like this!! 

Sometimes I think being a good friend is knowing when to take a step back and ask yourself what is this person doing to me?   

I have always tried to be a good friend to people.  Some of us are magnets for friends who can tend to suck you dry if you let them.  I've enabled most of my friends when they have been in trauma.   I've opened my door at all hours of the night to friends who were freaking out about something.  I have let them stay at my house when there was no where else to go.  I have lent thousands of dollars to friends (I never saw most of that money again).  Sat with their kids in juvenille hall and drug re-hab.   Provided transportation, job references, computer resources.  Listened to endless angst at 3:00 a.m. when I had to go to work at 8:00 a.m.  I've covered up for them when they were being "bad"  (one friend was stalking a guy and doing really weird things).  Ehhh . . .  I could write a book on all the drama.  Friendships start out innocently enough, but they can get a bit lop-sided when one friend is more giving than the other.  I finally realized that I am the problem here.  Enabling doesn't help people.  I try to no longer be an "earth mother" to everyone I meet.   

Your friend probably needs more professional help than she is getting now.  I've found that some people actually enjoy being in a funk around their friends because it is getting them the motherly attention they crave.  It makes them feel that people care about them.  The friends who are so giving may be trying to fulfill a need to be needed.    Okay, done with the arm-chair psychology for now.   

   I always thought that if you were good to them you would get the same back. But I was wrong again, an again. I just got walk on. 

    You know I've read some of the e-mails on this boards. A lot of them just make me want to cry. 

Yal are so blessed.  When I try to be myself around people they think I'm flirting. So I withdraw. It hurts not knowing what went wrong. I started up a friendship with a coworker. And now I can truly say I wish I had someone like him in my life a long time ago.  

  When I first mate his family, it was like nite and day from my family.  Know Idon't even want to be with my mom an all at holidays.