Topic : Being a Good Friend

my dear,  

i can understand that you feel desperate, as you want your friend to be happy, right?? 

but maybe because you keep telling her, even though you only want the best for her, 

what a man her husband really is she stays with him. maybe also because she doesn't know 

where to go with 3 kids?? not everyone is gutsy enough to take such a huge step.....  

again, i understand that you worry about her. but maybe it's time to let her deal with it herself 

in her own way......even if it's not your way.... 

goodluck! 

thinking of you 

inge 

I think many of you will have strong opinions about this, but friendship (for me) is much too complex to explain with platitudes - "accept a friend for who he is" etc.  People change, friends change, do we have to accept a changed friend?  Even when change is beyond our control, people change and challenge are emotions to conform.  My friend was vibrant, intelligent, complicated.   She has been ill with a chronic illness for perhaps twenty years, and her illness keeps her isolated, makes her unpleasant, and has psychological effects similar to mild dementia.  For the last five years it's been difficult for me to spend time with her - and I've outlasted all her other friends.  I'm sure she feels abandoned, and some people would agree with her.  While I've tried sticking by her, which really means simply visitng her a few times a year, even the most basic contact with her has become painful for me, because she is only able to speak about her pain, her limitations, her frustrations.  I endured that for the sake of friendship and my sense of decency for a couple of years, but recently I realized that there's no ME in this friendship anymore - it is in no way about me, and she cannot, because of her problems, be a friend to me, so how can I be a friend to her.  My pain and guilt are very real every time I speak with her.  I cannot help her, and I even resent feeling that what was once a friendship has become so uncomfortable for me.  I can't accept my friend for who she is - she is not the person I made friends with.  I stayed friends with her through so many years of difficulty as her health failed, but I've reached the end point, and now, I'd like to feel that I can leave this friendship behind without guilt, knowing I've done my best, but you know - your best is never good enough.... 

Relationships in general can be very complicated. Friendships are especially for me. Sometimes you just never know who are your true friends. It's hard to find a mutual relationship, and a bondess that will last in a friendship. What i find most difficult for me is someone of similar interest and someone who puts as much effort in a friendship as I do. I've been up and down with friends that i really feel has been beyond my control. But you can only take it one day at a time and maybe someday there will be someone who understands and can appreciate you. 

     What i think about friends is that it helps you find your self within the friendship.  

     Once, i discovered, that i could really cry infront of a friend. (sound silly?) But i am a very rigid, unfeeling a person that i am afraid to show others, even my own set of friends, of what i truly feel. I was growing up believing that i should not trust any one with how i feel because that would render me vulnerable. And i don't want for others to think i am helpless. Deep inside though i am as weak as a dying tree. It felt empty. But then when i try finally succombing to the close and more honest company of friends that I had never felt so alone again.I can tell her (or them) what my frustrations are, or  those little, amazing moments that happen just as easily. There is that nice feeling of being free atlast from my shell, where i have long been hiding from every one. I learned that I can change. And somehow be also of a help to a friend when they too are in trouble. 

     I guess from social, distant friendships that i had i had finally learned how to communicate. It is hard at first. Especially the part wherein I also try to be honest with what i really feel. But God has his own way of doing things, that in time i finally learned to be true-- both to myself and others.  

     It is this transforming kind of friendship that keeps me on my feet now, planted on the ground deeper than before. 

My best friend is the ultimate best friend.  I would walk through fire for her.  We've been friends now for almost 35 years and although I work full time, I still try to find time to visit her when I can. 

She understands a lot of things about friendship and we've taught each other a lot over the years. 

I can't have children though and she has 4, all grown up now, but she asked my told my husband once that she was thinking of going surrogate for me so I'd be able to be a Mum.  How awesome is that hey?  My husband is a Remedial Massage Therapist and treats her and her family quite regularly and given the problems she has with her back, if she would have had another child, she would have ended up in a wheelchair.  But the thought was there and to me, just the thought she had made me respect and admire her so much more (if it were possible). 

Over the years, she's come to mean more to me than my own family at times.  She's more like a sister to me than a best friend. 

What I think is really cool about her is the fact that when we had our own home, she used to run away from her home for a week or two to our place.  She felt it gave her enough time to build up some more strength to go back to the grind again.  I would trust her with my life.  I can just see us when we get older.....sitting on the porch together, looking back on our younger years and laughing at the good times we had. 

I love her to bits and am so glad I was so bold and free when I was only 7.  We were at school together and she was sitting on the steps at recess, looking all lonely and falorn.  I bowled right up to her and asked why she was sitting alone.  Her friend was sick that day, so did not go to school, so I asked her to come and play with me and my friends.  She looked at me sadly and said, "What if they don't want me to play with them?"  Then I said, well, they're not my true friends and I don't want to play with them anymore." 

We've been together ever since.  I just hope that when the time comes, we both go together cos I can't imagine my life without her in it. 

I'm sorry you are feeling so guilty about the way you feel towards your friend.  You are right, people do change, but being a friend also means trying to help.  Maybe you could find a group in her area that have the same sort of problems with the illness she has and talk to them.  Maybe you would find that even though you can't be there all the time, maybe this group can and they can all help each other over the rougher times. 

I know my Mother has changed over the years and I often get frustrated with her depression and her lack of motivation to try to seek help for it, but I still love her very much and try to see past her "moods".  Sometimes, if I talk calmly to her, I can get her remembering the fun times we all used to have and it picks her up a little. 

Sometimes I try to push her into doing things, like giving her the truth hard and fast, making her look at life a little differently, but that never works, so I try to take her mind off her worries and that seems to help a little for a while. 

Have you thought about talking to others who may be in the same situation as you?  Maybe they have some thoughts that may help. 

I wish you luck with it all.