Topic : Being a Good Friend

I need some advice... 

  

I met a friend at work; I am male, she is female, and almost immediately I noticed something wonderful about her. She is kind, gentle, caring, very intelligent, fun to be around, beautiful, and she is bold and is not afraid to speak her mind, which is one of the many things I really admire about her. She is honest and down-to-earth, and she has been the only person I could trust in a very long time. We had fun together -- we watched fun movies, joked around, and just generally had a wonderful time -- I felt comfortable around her (which is extremely rare, for I am typically extremely shy) and felt like I could talk to her about everything. She helped me with a lot of problems, and though I told her often that I was there for her when she needed me, she feels very independent and would not ask for my help; but that is not the issue. 

  

We are just friends -- I did indeed asked her to court with me, but because of our working together this was very much against the rules. However, as I said we were friends. But recently I had noticed some changes in our friendship -- bad changes. And so I decided to write her a letter -- quite a lengthy letter at that -- to tell her how I feel. This letter was well-intentioned, and said nothing (in my opinion) offensive; in fact, it mainly pointed out my own wrong-doings and problems. I told her how much she meant to me, all of the things about her that I loved, and how important our friendship was to me, because it is extremely important. And that is when all of the problems again. 

  

It turns out something I said it that letter really angered her, and not only did she get upset but she broke our friendship up, saying that we should stay positive for work only, for she could see nothing more coming of us. I must say I was devastated. And now for the past several weeks I have been trying to ask her what tit was that made her so upset, asking her if we can talk about the issue and come to a sound conclusion. But it seems that she does not want to try to become friends again -- it seems she just wants to remain upset with me and leave it at that. 

  

She meant so much to me, and this separation has been awful. I don't want to let go of what we had -- I don't want the good times to end, because I saw so much potential for the future. I'm in love with her, I caare about her so much, but I fear that I may never be able to see her (outside of work) again. I keep trying to talk to her, but as I said it seems as though she doesn't want to talk about the issue, doesn't want to rekindle our friendship. I am not going to force her to talk to me if she doesn't want to, and I am not forcing her to become my friend again, but I want to at least attempt to become friends again and work things out. 

  

What should I do? Do I give up and let one of the best friends I've ever had just vanish from my life, or do I continue to try and fix what has been broken? 

  

Please help, 

~MechAngel 

It is sad that your friend lives in such a chaotic and dysfunctional home, but you can't save her.
She is the one hurting herself, and only she can stop these behaviors. Have you considered making an "anonymous" call to her mother and telling her about the cutting? Someone should do it. Even if you have to call froma pay phone and keep this a secret forever, it could really save her life! You can't handle this on your own, you are not a professional trained to deal with this situation. Another option I thought of was you can give this number to your friend, 1-800-suicide (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-talk. She needs someone to talk to, someone to vent to, someone who can give her advice that she could really use for a change. You don't need, nor do you deserve, to feel this burden! I wish you well, you have been a good friend, but there is only so much you can do. You need to be good to yourself, too.

my demise is my best friend and I seem to be at opposite corners of the boxing ring. The thing is she's 7 months pregnant, lives 900 miles away and always expects me and everyone else to drop everything for her. I honestly think that she believed that when she got knocked up that I was going to move back but I've told her numerous times I wasn't going to move back. She wanted to make me godmother but then mentions how I don't understand what's like to be pregnant and I agree I dont know the physical feelings of being pregnant never having kids myself at 24 but I have helped raise my 2 cousins who are now 17 and 15, so she mentioned having her sister-in-law be godmother-I agree she's had 2 kids and been pregnant. But then she's mad at me because she wants me to show up for 2 baby showers and the birth all 3 trips within one month. I wouldn't be able to attend because of the cost of travel and gas and not to mention I just got a new job this weekend and don't have the time to attend 2 baby showers that are a week apart and then a month later be back there for the birth. She would be mad at me for missing every little aspect in his life. . It just seems like she expects me to just pick up and go because she said so. It is not possible or in my control. Its very frustrating because a friend of ours told me that she said that I make up every excuse not to attend and that I am being unreasonable. I think that she is the one who doesn't understand the concept of money since her boyfriends parents who have money pay for everything they own. She doesn't understand how expensive gas is because she doesn't have her license let alone a car. I have bent over backwards to accommedate the distance by visiting her but not once has she come visit me. She acts like everything is a competition of who has gone through more in the past 2 years and so much other things.  

  

I just find myself wondering if we have seriously grown so far apart not only in distance but as "best friends" She has not been the same since getting pregnant and I have not been the same since my grandmother died 2 years ago. Any advice? I don't know what to do anymore?!?!?!? 

 Dr. Phil Message Board members,
 

I am engaged and am planning to get married this summer (in just 3 months, so I am writing because this issue is timely).  Things were going well until this past weekend when I was informed that my fiancé’s best friend (and matron of honor) thinks that I do not like her.  We have met but a few times as she lives out of town.  She thinks that when we have spent time together that I do not give her enough attention and make her feel a part of things.  Admittedly I do not treat her like my best friend and have shown her more attention than anyone I have known for 3-4 days, except for my fiancé.  I am concerned for a few reasons.     

    

First is that my best friend's fiancé seems very jealous.  When we talk she repeats multiple times that my fiancé is her best friend.  It is also obvious that this young woman is dependant on my fiancé’s friendship.  My fiancé is a very caring person and wants to help others and does so sometimes to her determent.  By that I mean in the past 6 months she has suffered from 3 different medical conditions that doctors believe are stress related (2 cases of staff infection and one case of shingles, she is 25 years old).  I see this relationship as being dependant as the friend talks to my friend multiple times a week and during that time there is nearly always something negative that is brought up.  I wish I were exaggerating.  There is always a complaint of some sort.  So much so that last weekend the friend spent an hour discussing how she thinks I dislike her with my fiancé while we were traveling to meet some of my fiancé’s family for the first time.  This is the first time I realized there was a major problem.     

    

I called her recently and asked her how we could fix things, because this is not good for any of us.  She started going through a list of things she felt bad about and talked for 15-20 minutes straight without pause.  The phone call lasted an hour total.  This friend has brought up these concerns to my fiancé, I then discussed them with my fiancé and we decided that I was not doing anything toward this friend out of spite.  I then considered the issue settled, until the most recent phone call.  I am really at a loss here.  I love my fiancé and have seen how caring she is.  But I also think that she is in a negative relationship that is weighing on her.  I asked her a while back how she deals with the constant negativity and she replied that this friend is needy and that she has been a friend so long that my fiancé does not see it as negativity.  To cap things off the friend has a husband and I don't know where they stand as far as discussing things and how close they are as friends.  And I also think that by always brining her thoughts/feelings about anything to my fiancé she should be discussing them with her husband.     

    

As a final thought the wedding is coming up.  And to be honest I am opposed to having anyone in the wedding party that opposes our union and will not whole heartedly support our marriage.  As for support, I have met my fiancé’s relatives, other friends and have traveled across the country meeting others.  When I proposed I added the condition that I wanted to meet everyone important in her life before we were married.  To my knowledge no one has objected and all have been happy and wished us well.  I am also concerned that if this friend says yes to our wedding and harbors negative feelings that in the future my then wife and I will argue about something or other, talk to this friend and this friend will validate any negative feelings my wife and I will be having about our relationship.  To add to the problem this friend has mentioned that she is no longer going to talk to me and will no longer bring up any problems about me with my fiancé.  However if my fiancé talks about me then she will discuss things.  I find that unrealistic.  And cutting communication can not be healthy.   

    

So I am looking to be wise and figure out what to do here.  I want things to work out but I am also afraid that this friend of my fiancé’s will not support our union.  I’d really appreciate help in this matter.  Thank you for taking your time to read this.

   

---Groom in Limbo 
 

While I realize that people will always be people, they never cease to astound or amaze me.  

 

  

 

Long story short, I’ve developed a friendship with some people (at work and out) who I like quite a bit, but am losing faith in very quickly. 

 

  

 

One woman who recently met her significant other and who I was there for during the initial and support stages has drifted off the face of the earth. I am happily married but would always make time just “for the girls”. And, in the beginning she was anxious to introduce dh and myself to her new man (who seems to be a keeper). We made plans that got broken (dh and I in mid home repairs simply couldn’t get away despite our efforts), and since then the calls have stopped and all requests for a rain check have been denied. It’s the two of them and ONLY the two of them or HIS family and friends. 

 

  

 

Another woman I’ve recently established a rapport with and is single, but SERIOUSLY looking to get serious and settle down with someone has over time behaved more and more strangely. Upon several attempts (on her own) that “failed”, I’ve often offered to introduce her to family friends. Some locally, some out of town. Upon setting up a meeting with a local man, she showed up almost two hours late, then became annoyed when he showed little interest. Sure, he could have made a greater effort, but she too could have been on time. Other prospects are out of town, and on SEVERAL occasion and visits, we have asked her to join us, only to be rejected. He opinion is that if a man is interested (upon viewing her photo) he will contact and pursue her. So, we’ve contacted our male friends who describe her as WOW!!!!! And since Christmas have made no effort, other than constantly postponing their visit and trip. They too are slightly older and serious about settling down, but don’t seem to want to go out of their way, change their schedule, or visit at an “inconvenient” season or time. 

 

  

 

Personally, I feel we are all blessed to have people in our lives who care enough to constantly encourage us to better ourselves and our lives and who think highly enough of us to set us up or include us in special plans. Why, oh but why, do people take this for total granted, dismiss it’s relevance, and then continue to “complain” or be “bitter” about their unchanging situation or circumstance? And is there anything else (better) WE can do? 

my friend is in a toxic relationship with his girlfriend i think they us sex to replace a real relationship. i have been friends with him for years and i know that he is just booty blind. his girlfriend is a control freak and tries to control his lif. he neve hangs out with us anymore and will make plans with us to do something and then his girlfried will find out and invite herself along then she acts like she is in control of what happnes she tries to set the schedule and tell us what we are going to do and what we are not going to do. she is also very imature she is 4 years younger than us and is very annoying but i think he is still with her  because she always wants sex. she controls his life sometimes when we have something planned for a month she will find out about it once again and complain to him how they need alon time and he will call us and ditch us the night before when she asks him what he is doing tomorrow and finds out and tell us that he is going to hang out with her istead no problem but he dose what we have planned for a month with her and ditches us i havent been abloe to hang out with my good friend or talk to him in  a whil because his girlfriend controls his life then we he starts getting annoyed by her and they are aobut to break up she goes on  a sex rampage and has sex with hm for two weeks straight and then eh will be have the leash back on and wont talk to us anymore or when we hang out there will be 6 guys and he will bring her along without us even knowing untill he shows up with her  then she will controll our day she wont let him have fun we cant do what we want because she gets mad and calls us imature if we are too loud even if we are too loud at sportring events we cant have fun then after this event we go get something to eat and she will make him go somewhere hwere she wants to go we were all gona go to a pizza place and she complained and made him walk her to a japanese resteraunt  she complains all the time and wont stop she complains about everything she complains if were not listening to the radio station of her choice and will sit there and cry if we dont change to her station if shes not having fun she will just sit down and wont move and will complain and will say its his friends fault shes not having fun maybe if there alone i only hang out wiht him once a month maybe when we used to hang out almos every weekend i think he is in trouble if he stays in this relationship

I have a good time with lots of my friends and vice versa. There is only one problem.  

  

I am a natural giver, and it seems like I always give more than I get from my friendships. When I have parties, I always give my best. My friends compliment the food and drinks and have a great time.  It makes me feel good knowing I give it my all. When I come over to someone's house for dinner, I always come with thoughtful gestures. A bottle of wine or flowers when I am a dinner guest, a nice housewarming gift if a friend has a new house even if it's not a housewarming party. I just think these are gracious gestures. I don't expect anything in return except graciousness.  

  

I have a couple who is so cheap (namely the wife) that when they ask my husband and I over for dinner, the wife makes very little food. She actually asked me whether I wanted 1 or 2 pieces of garlic bread before she made it. It's not like we are fatsos at all. I had them over for dinner a few times and the husband of the couple commented about how 'wonderful a spread it was'. Then when he said that I should give his wife the recipies so she could make some of the dishes, she shot him a look. The wife has commented to me about how she can't believe how much other people eat. This woman looks gaunt & has a fast metabolism, but man can she pack it away at my house. When we come over to their house, she is also cheap with her time. She tells visitors it's time to go when some internal limit in her mind has been reached. She even told invitees to a get together (last minute) that kids were not invited. Needless to say, another friend and I (we both have kids) did not come and instead let our husbands have a night out. Then she was 'confused' as to why we didn't come. Yet, her child is in terrible 3's stage, throwing things around hitting my child, drools all over my furniture and she doesn't even discipline him at all. They have just now started realizing that maybe they should not be so damn cheap, and they actually made enough food for the last party to which I did not attend. I hosted a 'fabulous baby shower' for her (these were her words) and what does she get me for my birthday something from the Dollar Store! I guess my point is how can I get my point across to them in a nice way, or is it not appropriate to say anything.  

  

Another friend (same type) counts every last penny she owes on a dinner bill and never reciprocates when someone treats her out to dinner. She likes the fact that when I have a get-together, I don't do a potluck because I want to make getting together easy. When she bought a new house, I gave her a housewarming gift. When I did, she gave nothing. When she upgraded to a new house and invited my husband and I over she said that she wanted to accommodate us and she would do whatever we recommended. I told her that I would prefer to eat in instead of dine out for many valid reasons I spelled out for her, yet she was still offering suggestions to dine out. She commented about how she needed to be sure that we in fact wanted her to make dinner because she had to go food shopping. I reiterated that it was a year since she has been in her new house and that we wanted to hang in and just be with them. She then reiterated that she wanted us to be comfortable and suggested that maybe they should come over to my house! I know that it's not because she is ashamed of the house or something. Finally I told her that since she didn't want to make dinner, we were going to eat at home before we came and just visit with them afterwards. She then felt like a dumbass and said 'oh no it's no trouble for me to make dinner' saying backpedaling things like 'it's not a problem.' My issue is when someone says this after all this banter, it means that they are reluctantly doing it. Saying something like, 'oh no, I would love to have you over for dinner'  to me sounds more genuine. We are set to go there but I really don't feel like it. She also doesn't know the meaning of reciprocation for the many things I have done. Same question: how do I tell her? Or do I not tell her?  

  

There are examples of other people who take advantage too in the same subtle ways. It leaves me feeling resentful, like maybe I should return the favors with Dollar Store gifts etc, but I can't bring myself to do that because I have too much respect for myself to sink to their level.  Should I just do the fade-away with these people? Are they in my life to teach me some lesson? Or do I need to teach them a lesson?   

It seems that the worst thing you have done to the needy girlfriend is take her friend away by marrying her. She has obvious feelings of abandonment. Your future wife seems to fill a missing void that this girl's husband should more appropriately fill. She sounds like she has some kind of anxiety disorder, has no self-esteem. You are right to be concerned that she will speak ill od you to your wife, even if she says she won't.  

  

The only thing is that you can't stop this woman from coming to the wedding because then it will really raise flags to your fiance and you don't want to do that. She will begin to think that maybe 'Needy Nelly' is right about how bad you are. She will immediately go to Needy Nelly's aid and save her. And if she doesn't  and Needy Nelly is not invited to the wedding, your fiance will have bad feelings for years to come about how you put your foot down on poor Nelly. Fast forward 5 years and you look at the wedding album, your fiance will always feel bad that Needy Nelly wasn't there. Or, if Needy Nelly reunites with your fiance later, she will have the undercurrent resentment towards you and how heartless you are.  

  

I would ask your fiance to step in and deal with Needy Nelly. Ask her to tell Nelly not to say bad things about you because you are going to be her husband. Chances are, Nelly will come clean about her feelings of abandonment to her friend and they can talk through them. Your fiance should tell Nelly that her constant obsession about whether you like her or not is stressing her out and that she doesn't need that during wedding planning. She should also tell Nelly that it's undermining of her to talk smack about you when she is supposed to support the union. She should tell Nelly how it hurts her and that she wants it to change because she doesn't want the stress in the marriage.  

  

The point is that you tried dealing with it yourself, which is commendable, but you are now frustrated (as I would be if I were in your shoes. So, your fiance has to deal with it otherwise it looks like you vs. Poor Little Nelly. Keep us posted and best wishes on your wedding and marriage! 

This girl is obviously broken and she's not someone who you want to be around. Both on a personal and parental level. All I can say is that she is drawn to you because she's looking for guidance. You probably have a natural 'guardian' personality (ISTJ) , according to Keirsey and she is an (ENTP)- THE OPPOSITE.  

  

I think if anything she is looking for the guidance of your judgement.  Tell her that you know about her situation and you are glad to see she is making some positive changes. You read books~ suggest some good reading material that you think might help her. Tell her that you don't approve of drugs because they are destructive and that she should focus instead on creating her life purpose. Say few words so they can resonate. You can cover a lot of ground in the times that she finds you. Don't invite her into your house or anything like that. Maintain a distance. Don't be a crutch, just tell her that she needs to continue on the path of making better choices.