Topic : Being a Good Friend
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May 13, 2006, 3:04 am PDT
 Quote From: leizuk I have a good time with lots of my friends and vice versa. There is only one problem.
I am a natural giver, and it seems like I always give more than I get from my friendships. When I have parties, I always give my best. My friends compliment the food and drinks and have a great time. It makes me feel good knowing I give it my all. When I come over to someone's house for dinner, I always come with thoughtful gestures. A bottle of wine or flowers when I am a dinner guest, a nice housewarming gift if a friend has a new house even if it's not a housewarming party. I just think these are gracious gestures. I don't expect anything in return except graciousness.
I have a couple who is so cheap (namely the wife) that when they ask my husband and I over for dinner, the wife makes very little food. She actually asked me whether I wanted 1 or 2 pieces of garlic bread before she made it. It's not like we are fatsos at all. I had them over for dinner a few times and the husband of the couple commented about how 'wonderful a spread it was'. Then when he said that I should give his wife the recipies so she could make some of the dishes, she shot him a look. The wife has commented to me about how she can't believe how much other people eat. This woman looks gaunt & has a fast metabolism, but man can she pack it away at my house. When we come over to their house, she is also cheap with her time. She tells visitors it's time to go when some internal limit in her mind has been reached. She even told invitees to a get together (last minute) that kids were not invited. Needless to say, another friend and I (we both have kids) did not come and instead let our husbands have a night out. Then she was 'confused' as to why we didn't come. Yet, her child is in terrible 3's stage, throwing things around hitting my child, drools all over my furniture and she doesn't even discipline him at all. They have just now started realizing that maybe they should not be so damn cheap, and they actually made enough food for the last party to which I did not attend. I hosted a 'fabulous baby shower' for her (these were her words) and what does she get me for my birthday something from the Dollar Store! I guess my point is how can I get my point across to them in a nice way, or is it not appropriate to say anything.
Another friend (same type) counts every last penny she owes on a dinner bill and never reciprocates when someone treats her out to dinner. She likes the fact that when I have a get-together, I don't do a potluck because I want to make getting together easy. When she bought a new house, I gave her a housewarming gift. When I did, she gave nothing. When she upgraded to a new house and invited my husband and I over she said that she wanted to accommodate us and she would do whatever we recommended. I told her that I would prefer to eat in instead of dine out for many valid reasons I spelled out for her, yet she was still offering suggestions to dine out. She commented about how she needed to be sure that we in fact wanted her to make dinner because she had to go food shopping. I reiterated that it was a year since she has been in her new house and that we wanted to hang in and just be with them. She then reiterated that she wanted us to be comfortable and suggested that maybe they should come over to my house! I know that it's not because she is ashamed of the house or something. Finally I told her that since she didn't want to make dinner, we were going to eat at home before we came and just visit with them afterwards. She then felt like a dumbass and said 'oh no it's no trouble for me to make dinner' saying backpedaling things like 'it's not a problem.' My issue is when someone says this after all this banter, it means that they are reluctantly doing it. Saying something like, 'oh no, I would love to have you over for dinner' to me sounds more genuine. We are set to go there but I really don't feel like it. She also doesn't know the meaning of reciprocation for the many things I have done. Same question: how do I tell her? Or do I not tell her?
There are examples of other people who take advantage too in the same subtle ways. It leaves me feeling resentful, like maybe I should return the favors with Dollar Store gifts etc, but I can't bring myself to do that because I have too much respect for myself to sink to their level. Should I just do the fade-away with these people? Are they in my life to teach me some lesson? Or do I need to teach them a lesson? I don't have the idea that everyone I have have a social interchange with is a "friend." While people may be "friendly", that doesn't mean they are "friends." True, deep friendships take years to develop, and the people need to have some things in common to begin with. What this writer has described is people who want to do the minimum required to gain maximum benefit. That's not friendship. That's being a user.
I buy "Dollar Store" items for my friends - but we all well understand that they're just for fun - a joke, a laugh. Or, we use them as some little thing (a note book, a pen, etc.) to tuck in with a "real" gift. No person who truly wants to give their friend a gift with some meaning would think a Dollar Store gift is appropriate.
Personally, I'd have told her to keep the Dollar Store gift, "... I have enough clutter at my house, and I'm sure you have someone in mind who would appreciate it."
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May 13, 2006, 3:48 pm PDT
Quote From: leizuk I have a good time with lots of my friends and vice versa. There is only one problem.
I am a natural giver, and it seems like I always give more than I get from my friendships. When I have parties, I always give my best. My friends compliment the food and drinks and have a great time. It makes me feel good knowing I give it my all. When I come over to someone's house for dinner, I always come with thoughtful gestures. A bottle of wine or flowers when I am a dinner guest, a nice housewarming gift if a friend has a new house even if it's not a housewarming party. I just think these are gracious gestures. I don't expect anything in return except graciousness.
I have a couple who is so cheap (namely the wife) that when they ask my husband and I over for dinner, the wife makes very little food. She actually asked me whether I wanted 1 or 2 pieces of garlic bread before she made it. It's not like we are fatsos at all. I had them over for dinner a few times and the husband of the couple commented about how 'wonderful a spread it was'. Then when he said that I should give his wife the recipies so she could make some of the dishes, she shot him a look. The wife has commented to me about how she can't believe how much other people eat. This woman looks gaunt & has a fast metabolism, but man can she pack it away at my house. When we come over to their house, she is also cheap with her time. She tells visitors it's time to go when some internal limit in her mind has been reached. She even told invitees to a get together (last minute) that kids were not invited. Needless to say, another friend and I (we both have kids) did not come and instead let our husbands have a night out. Then she was 'confused' as to why we didn't come. Yet, her child is in terrible 3's stage, throwing things around hitting my child, drools all over my furniture and she doesn't even discipline him at all. They have just now started realizing that maybe they should not be so damn cheap, and they actually made enough food for the last party to which I did not attend. I hosted a 'fabulous baby shower' for her (these were her words) and what does she get me for my birthday something from the Dollar Store! I guess my point is how can I get my point across to them in a nice way, or is it not appropriate to say anything.
Another friend (same type) counts every last penny she owes on a dinner bill and never reciprocates when someone treats her out to dinner. She likes the fact that when I have a get-together, I don't do a potluck because I want to make getting together easy. When she bought a new house, I gave her a housewarming gift. When I did, she gave nothing. When she upgraded to a new house and invited my husband and I over she said that she wanted to accommodate us and she would do whatever we recommended. I told her that I would prefer to eat in instead of dine out for many valid reasons I spelled out for her, yet she was still offering suggestions to dine out. She commented about how she needed to be sure that we in fact wanted her to make dinner because she had to go food shopping. I reiterated that it was a year since she has been in her new house and that we wanted to hang in and just be with them. She then reiterated that she wanted us to be comfortable and suggested that maybe they should come over to my house! I know that it's not because she is ashamed of the house or something. Finally I told her that since she didn't want to make dinner, we were going to eat at home before we came and just visit with them afterwards. She then felt like a dumbass and said 'oh no it's no trouble for me to make dinner' saying backpedaling things like 'it's not a problem.' My issue is when someone says this after all this banter, it means that they are reluctantly doing it. Saying something like, 'oh no, I would love to have you over for dinner' to me sounds more genuine. We are set to go there but I really don't feel like it. She also doesn't know the meaning of reciprocation for the many things I have done. Same question: how do I tell her? Or do I not tell her?
There are examples of other people who take advantage too in the same subtle ways. It leaves me feeling resentful, like maybe I should return the favors with Dollar Store gifts etc, but I can't bring myself to do that because I have too much respect for myself to sink to their level. Should I just do the fade-away with these people? Are they in my life to teach me some lesson? Or do I need to teach them a lesson? I think that that is just the way that gal (the one who makes very little food)is and she is not going to change. That having been said, I see alot of different "entertaining styles" amongst my group of friends. Some are super generous, as you seem to be, and they always have quite a spread. I try to reciprocate in a similar fashion when they come over here. I have another friend who makes very little when we go over-just a meat, salad and a potato or rice. She is not into fussing. I guess I,ve just learnded to accept that this is her style, because in every other way she has been a good friend. She just isn't into lavish entertaining. So I just let it go. You are probably wondering what I do when they come over here. I make a nice meal and am glad to have the leftovers the next day.
The second woman is an ungracious clod. If she invites you to her house specifically, she should be doing the cooking or have it catered-whatever. To me, inviting people over to my home means that I am in charge of providing the meal be it home-cooked or catered. If she just wanted to dine out, then that should be specified when plans are made. She should not be disguising dining out as an invitation to visit her at her house.
I guess you have to decide how you feel about being friends with these people-it is an individual choice. |
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May 15, 2006, 11:33 am PDT
Quote From: leizuk I have a good time with lots of my friends and vice versa. There is only one problem.
I am a natural giver, and it seems like I always give more than I get from my friendships. When I have parties, I always give my best. My friends compliment the food and drinks and have a great time. It makes me feel good knowing I give it my all. When I come over to someone's house for dinner, I always come with thoughtful gestures. A bottle of wine or flowers when I am a dinner guest, a nice housewarming gift if a friend has a new house even if it's not a housewarming party. I just think these are gracious gestures. I don't expect anything in return except graciousness.
I have a couple who is so cheap (namely the wife) that when they ask my husband and I over for dinner, the wife makes very little food. She actually asked me whether I wanted 1 or 2 pieces of garlic bread before she made it. It's not like we are fatsos at all. I had them over for dinner a few times and the husband of the couple commented about how 'wonderful a spread it was'. Then when he said that I should give his wife the recipies so she could make some of the dishes, she shot him a look. The wife has commented to me about how she can't believe how much other people eat. This woman looks gaunt & has a fast metabolism, but man can she pack it away at my house. When we come over to their house, she is also cheap with her time. She tells visitors it's time to go when some internal limit in her mind has been reached. She even told invitees to a get together (last minute) that kids were not invited. Needless to say, another friend and I (we both have kids) did not come and instead let our husbands have a night out. Then she was 'confused' as to why we didn't come. Yet, her child is in terrible 3's stage, throwing things around hitting my child, drools all over my furniture and she doesn't even discipline him at all. They have just now started realizing that maybe they should not be so damn cheap, and they actually made enough food for the last party to which I did not attend. I hosted a 'fabulous baby shower' for her (these were her words) and what does she get me for my birthday something from the Dollar Store! I guess my point is how can I get my point across to them in a nice way, or is it not appropriate to say anything.
Another friend (same type) counts every last penny she owes on a dinner bill and never reciprocates when someone treats her out to dinner. She likes the fact that when I have a get-together, I don't do a potluck because I want to make getting together easy. When she bought a new house, I gave her a housewarming gift. When I did, she gave nothing. When she upgraded to a new house and invited my husband and I over she said that she wanted to accommodate us and she would do whatever we recommended. I told her that I would prefer to eat in instead of dine out for many valid reasons I spelled out for her, yet she was still offering suggestions to dine out. She commented about how she needed to be sure that we in fact wanted her to make dinner because she had to go food shopping. I reiterated that it was a year since she has been in her new house and that we wanted to hang in and just be with them. She then reiterated that she wanted us to be comfortable and suggested that maybe they should come over to my house! I know that it's not because she is ashamed of the house or something. Finally I told her that since she didn't want to make dinner, we were going to eat at home before we came and just visit with them afterwards. She then felt like a dumbass and said 'oh no it's no trouble for me to make dinner' saying backpedaling things like 'it's not a problem.' My issue is when someone says this after all this banter, it means that they are reluctantly doing it. Saying something like, 'oh no, I would love to have you over for dinner' to me sounds more genuine. We are set to go there but I really don't feel like it. She also doesn't know the meaning of reciprocation for the many things I have done. Same question: how do I tell her? Or do I not tell her?
There are examples of other people who take advantage too in the same subtle ways. It leaves me feeling resentful, like maybe I should return the favors with Dollar Store gifts etc, but I can't bring myself to do that because I have too much respect for myself to sink to their level. Should I just do the fade-away with these people? Are they in my life to teach me some lesson? Or do I need to teach them a lesson? It sounds like you are very good at entertaining & cooking. Like others who have replied, I have seen a lot of different entertaining styles in my friends as well. Could it be that the second lady perhaps is just not good at cooking? I myself am not the best cook,and really only have a few dishes that I am really good at. When I entertain my husband helps alot in the kitchen (he likes to cook - I like to bake - it equals out). Or could it be that maybe they are just on a tight budget? Although, I think if it is a financial issue then they shouldn't be inviting people over or they should make it clear that it is just for "coffe / drinks". If you enjoy putting out a big spread & going all out when you entertain, then I think you should, but if you are doing it & expect others to do the same in return then I think maybe your expectations are just too high. If you enjoy their company & consider them friends then you should not "fade-away" with these people. As for the gift being from the Dollar General, I think that is just petty, and it is the thought that counts, not where it is bought. Maybe they are in your life to teach you how to be humble & gracious. I don't mean to sound harsh, it's just that it sounds like you are being awful judgemental & that you feel a lot of people take advantage of you. Personally, I like to do potlucks to see other people's recipes & I like to serve my friends a good meal, I also like party foods & drinks, it just depends on the occassion. |
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May 15, 2006, 5:33 pm PDT
my boyfriend and i have been dating for two years. at the beginning of our relationship he had another female friend who was very protective of him and encouraged him many times to end our relationship. he made the decision to end the friendship with her because he cared more about our relationship and she was clearly interfering for her own selfish reasons. i was so happy about this decision and everything has been great (regarding that topic) ever since. we recently got into a rather large fight and he brought her up into the conversation. he told me how he regretted losing a friend like her and it was my fault. i was of course really hurt by this but that is besides the point. he told me that he wants to apologize to her and try and make things better because he doesnt feel that what he did was fair to her and wants to make things right. i am really concerned about it because she was so influential to him and encouraged him so much that our relationship was bad. obviousily it wasnt bad and she had nothing really to go on besides the fact that she was, i suppose, jealous maybe?
i of course dont want him to. i tried to tell him that what happened, happened and its in the past. there is no reason to bring up old issues. i explained that yea, maybe that wasnt exactly the "right" thing to do but it already done. you cant go back and change what happened. the best thing to do is learn from his 'mistakes'. he didnt agree with me whatsoever and his feelings havent changed. can anyone who has maybe been in a similar situation or just have some personal opinions please help me out. i dont know what else to do. am i wrong? and if so why? or am i right? and if so are their any suggestions of what else i could say to him to help him understand my point of view?
thank you. |
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May 16, 2006, 4:14 am PDT
Quote From: baby1971 It sounds like you are very good at entertaining & cooking. Like others who have replied, I have seen a lot of different entertaining styles in my friends as well. Could it be that the second lady perhaps is just not good at cooking? I myself am not the best cook,and really only have a few dishes that I am really good at. When I entertain my husband helps alot in the kitchen (he likes to cook - I like to bake - it equals out). Or could it be that maybe they are just on a tight budget? Although, I think if it is a financial issue then they shouldn't be inviting people over or they should make it clear that it is just for "coffe / drinks". If you enjoy putting out a big spread & going all out when you entertain, then I think you should, but if you are doing it & expect others to do the same in return then I think maybe your expectations are just too high. If you enjoy their company & consider them friends then you should not "fade-away" with these people. As for the gift being from the Dollar General, I think that is just petty, and it is the thought that counts, not where it is bought. Maybe they are in your life to teach you how to be humble & gracious. I don't mean to sound harsh, it's just that it sounds like you are being awful judgemental & that you feel a lot of people take advantage of you. Personally, I like to do potlucks to see other people's recipes & I like to serve my friends a good meal, I also like party foods & drinks, it just depends on the occassion. I have to respectfully disagree with some of what you said. Yes, this lady is probably a marvelous entertainer and offers her guests a generous spread. And yes, there are many kinds of entertaining styles. But that second lady she mentioned-she sounds just plain rude and cheap. She just upgraded to a better home so I doubt that they are in the poor house. She avoids picking up the tab in restaurants. She invites people to her home and then tries to weasle a dinner out-which from her history, she is going to let the invitees pay for it. She even waits to do the shopping when company is coming, probably hoping that they will end up going out and she won't have to pay a dime when she is "reciprocating" (LOL) As I said in a previous post, this second woman is a cheap clod. If she was short on cash she could just have them over for coffee and cake, but it doesn't sound like she even does that.Her entertaining style is one that I could do without. She is a user, and not going to change so the poster that wrote in with this problem can either keep putting up with it or bail out of the friendship. I think you were overly harsh on the poster. She is clearly being used by this woman. Being humble and gracious is one thing. But this is clearly a case of someone taking advantage. |
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May 16, 2006, 4:27 am PDT
Quote From: jcleary725 my boyfriend and i have been dating for two years. at the beginning of our relationship he had another female friend who was very protective of him and encouraged him many times to end our relationship. he made the decision to end the friendship with her because he cared more about our relationship and she was clearly interfering for her own selfish reasons. i was so happy about this decision and everything has been great (regarding that topic) ever since. we recently got into a rather large fight and he brought her up into the conversation. he told me how he regretted losing a friend like her and it was my fault. i was of course really hurt by this but that is besides the point. he told me that he wants to apologize to her and try and make things better because he doesnt feel that what he did was fair to her and wants to make things right. i am really concerned about it because she was so influential to him and encouraged him so much that our relationship was bad. obviousily it wasnt bad and she had nothing really to go on besides the fact that she was, i suppose, jealous maybe?
i of course dont want him to. i tried to tell him that what happened, happened and its in the past. there is no reason to bring up old issues. i explained that yea, maybe that wasnt exactly the "right" thing to do but it already done. you cant go back and change what happened. the best thing to do is learn from his 'mistakes'. he didnt agree with me whatsoever and his feelings havent changed. can anyone who has maybe been in a similar situation or just have some personal opinions please help me out. i dont know what else to do. am i wrong? and if so why? or am i right? and if so are their any suggestions of what else i could say to him to help him understand my point of view?
thank you. Maybe he feels some sort of guilt for the way the friendship ended. Did they have words with each other? Did he say something to her that he regrets? That is one possibility.
Of course there is always the possibility that he did have stronger feelings towards her. It is obvious that she did towards him. She was trying her hardest to break things up between you.
I think you need to talk to him and get to the bottom of this. Why does he feel he needs this friendship? Or what exactly is he trying to make right with her? Is he looking simply to apologize for harsh words or is he looking to pick up the friendship where it left off? (He needs to know how this affects your relationship, and that letting her bad-mouth you is a deal breaker) And the hard one-does he have any deeper feelings? And you need to talk about how you feel about her interfering and that that is unacceptable. I could offer advice but the only ones who can really sort it out are you and him. So please talk things over and write in and let me know how it goes. Good luck!! |
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May 17, 2006, 8:16 am PDT
Quote From: juliebgg I have to respectfully disagree with some of what you said. Yes, this lady is probably a marvelous entertainer and offers her guests a generous spread. And yes, there are many kinds of entertaining styles. But that second lady she mentioned-she sounds just plain rude and cheap. She just upgraded to a better home so I doubt that they are in the poor house. She avoids picking up the tab in restaurants. She invites people to her home and then tries to weasle a dinner out-which from her history, she is going to let the invitees pay for it. She even waits to do the shopping when company is coming, probably hoping that they will end up going out and she won't have to pay a dime when she is "reciprocating" (LOL) As I said in a previous post, this second woman is a cheap clod. If she was short on cash she could just have them over for coffee and cake, but it doesn't sound like she even does that.Her entertaining style is one that I could do without. She is a user, and not going to change so the poster that wrote in with this problem can either keep putting up with it or bail out of the friendship. I think you were overly harsh on the poster. She is clearly being used by this woman. Being humble and gracious is one thing. But this is clearly a case of someone taking advantage. My intention was not to be overly harsh, I was afraid maybe I had come across that way. I do agree, the second lady did sound rather odd, but I also found it odd that the poster feels like "alot" of people take advantage of her. Either she really needs new friends or there are other issues. I just think that when you do something for someone you shouldn't expect the same in return; while it is nice to have friends reciprocate in the same way, they don't always and you either have to accept that or end the relationship if it isn't acceptable to her. As for the second lady "upgrading", I have known quiet a few people who live beyond their means, they have a beautiful home & drive great cars but if you actually looked at their finances they are very overextended. I just think the second lady is odd in general - I agree you don't invite someone over then start changing plans. |
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May 17, 2006, 10:05 am PDT
Quote From: baby1971 My intention was not to be overly harsh, I was afraid maybe I had come across that way. I do agree, the second lady did sound rather odd, but I also found it odd that the poster feels like "alot" of people take advantage of her. Either she really needs new friends or there are other issues. I just think that when you do something for someone you shouldn't expect the same in return; while it is nice to have friends reciprocate in the same way, they don't always and you either have to accept that or end the relationship if it isn't acceptable to her. As for the second lady "upgrading", I have known quiet a few people who live beyond their means, they have a beautiful home & drive great cars but if you actually looked at their finances they are very overextended. I just think the second lady is odd in general - I agree you don't invite someone over then start changing plans. yes, I too see people who "upgrade" and live way beyond their means. New cars, designer clothing-you name it! That's not for me. I live in a rather modest house and could have upgraded. But instead we have saved over the years, have no debt, and can buy all those things (if we wanted them) because we have managed our money well. That being said, I buy a few nice things but have no need to show off like alot of people do. Especially the ones who haven't a dime in the bank. Lesson to be learned: Don't buy what you can't afford!!! Your comment about not expecting something in return when you do something for someone. Things don't have to be equal, in my book, but there is something clearly wrong if there is a larbe imbalance as in the relationships that the poster we responded to has. If someone does all the giving and others just take there is something wrong. Allowing for different entertaining styles is one thing but this seems really unbalanced. She will have to ask herself if she is going overboard to buy friendships. That isn't good. Our friends should like us for ourselves, not for how much fancy stuff we give to them. Maybe that second "odd" woman as you call her is like that-overextended and in debt. Or maybe she is just plain cheap. Let someone else pick up the tab, and when she "reciprocates" she invites people over then tries to manipulate them into going out and of course picking up the tab too. And inviting someone over and changing plans-yes that it is rude-especially if your guests think you are preparing a meal for them and then you act like you can't be bothered with it. I would ditch friend number two in a second. She IS odd!!! |
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May 20, 2006, 12:56 am PDT
Having been friends for about thirteen years, my best friend, now demoted to simply 'friend,' and I were more bound together by time and convenience than by real friendship, but since all of us that have been together for that amount of time have gone through so much together, I guess that's our basis for friendship. Regardless, she recently pushed me away for her own selfish, unfounded reasons and will not admit to doing so, nor will she apologize sincerely. This has thrown a huge, gigantic, titanic, monstrous wrench in our relationship. What bugs me the most is how self-obsessed she is. All day, every day, she just sits there and talks about herself, her life, the homework she has yet to do, what happened at work, how many bruises her brother gave her, etc. Even more frustrating is the fact that everyone is blind to it, or, at least, plays into it. I believe her to be a horrible friend, yet everyone around us congregates around her and indulges her in her behaviors, whether they're smart enough to realize or not (most likely the latter). Geh, I just don't know what to do with this person I would just love to strangle. |
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