Topic : Being a Good Friend

Hi, 

  

I've a life time friend. 

I know her since she was a baby, I'm now 30 and she is 28. We grown up together. We are there for each other. 

I'm her (in the netherlands we don'tn have bride maids honor but only best (wo)mans) best women in may 2006. It means a great deal for both of us. It give a extra dimension to our friendship. I go with her to look for weeding dress, shoes, everything that involves wit the day. 

But is also wonderful for my, becaus I'm the only one who is not a family. 

  

We are there for each other, 24/7. We have been away for holidays together, respect our ideas, lifestyle. And we have our tough times and been there for each other. Esspecially, she still is there for my, because I still have to deal wit my chronic illnes. 

  

But I know I can always count on her as she can count on my. 

  

That is true friendship. 

  

My best friend,at 16 years of age is dating a 25-year-old MAN. He is currently living with her, her mother, father, brother,and their animals. Her boyfriend is beating her very badly, SO bad, that when he chokes her, the blood vessels in her eyelids pop..I've seen them damaged constantly. Sometimes,she would have to tell her mom the bruise was too bad on her eye, so she would let her stay home from school. Her mother is letting this guy live in her house, even knowing about what happens. He has no job, but that's up to their family to decide whether that's okay or not. 

My friend hasn't been talking to me, and when she does it's just because her boyfriend is gone and shes bored. We used to be the best of friends, now she has been cut off from me completely.  

When I did see her rarely, she was totally oblivious to what I was saying, she doesn't care anymore..not to mention she's turned into an entirely different person. 

Her mother also lets her go out and get wasted on vodka with her boyfriend, I'm scared for her health..and her life. One of these days,this guy is going to get her pregnant and leave her, or kill her. I am in desperate need for some help! How do I help a friend who is detached from reality?? 

 

It's normal for her to "relapse". Don't worry, she'll be ok. Time will heal that..and for your other friend, all you can do is let her do what she wants. You could try to reach out to her, but I doubt it will work..I've been trying to help my friend who is in an abusive relationship..well I've been trying the best I can, but she's too cut out of reality for that. So, just let her make her own mistakes, she'll learn.

Hi everyone..I need help!!! Ok here goes...I have a friend, a REALLY good close friend. We are like sisters. While I was living back in the States, we lived together. Her and her husband, me and my fiancee and child. Before I left and moved to Germany with my fiancee and child, we were going through some old boxes and some letters fell out. I picked them up and asked her why they were addressed to me and 3 years earlier??!!    

She explained that when she lived in San Diego, of course she missed me and she wrote me letters but could never send them off. I asked if I could read them and she got very nervous and ran out of the garage. Well, I found one and read it. In the letter  she explained how much she missed me and loved me. But in a way more than just friends!! I was sooooo happy to hear that, because I felt the same for her for years!! I told her everything was ok and we kept being friends.   

Well, after I moved here to Germany, she got a divorce from her husband, her mother died, and I wasn't there for her, physically. The guilt that I felt. She keeps asking me when am I leaving my fiancee and moving back!!! I feel sooo crappy because I love her but I dont want to hurt my fiancee. I love him too but ever since I found out how she fells about me, I dont feel the same about him! I cant stop thinking about her and I am REALLY in love with her...but what do I say to my man. I love him too.  

Only her dad knows about our love for one another. I cant tell my family that Im gay or even bisexual! Im stuck between a rock and a hard place, what do I do??!! Pls help.    

Dear Germankim  

   

I've been out for some years now and the biggest thing I've learnt is go with your heart on this one.  Love is love and if you both feel it then you should explore it.  Being with someone you love but are not in love with is unfair to both you and him.  Compassion and empathy for him is required as he will be devestated and won't understand...it's your call if you tell him the truth...be gentle on yourself and him.  I don't know his nature so I can't say if you should have escape plan on hand. Some guys get offended, some think it's kinky...sorry that's human nature...you know him better than anyone...use your intuition on this one...I say go for it Girl...When it comes to families...well my parents have known since I was 21 and it's taken me 14 years to finally get the message into their heads...they still don't get it...and never will...I'm not bothered by that anymore...it hurt for a long time then just recently I wrote them a very long letter, and in it referenced my love for people of the same sex...(I've been out with both) it was the way I was born...and after years of beating myself up about it...I finally accepted it...this is your life...being happy is very important and being with someone who loves and accepts you is extremely important...you know what too do...don't let FEAR get in the way of happiness.  I think it's cool she kept the letters...what a babe...I hope you both find your way...  

   

Sugajazz  

I just want to say Thanks for the advice!!  I am soooooo nervous and excited all at once. Im African-American and in my family its ok to be gay or lesbian, as long as it is not someone in the family. I guess thats why noone in our family ever admits it!  I am going to try and 'break free'... 

  

GermanKim 

 My first thoughts when I read this were what are these parents thinking!? So I have to ask you, since this is your best friend, and you know her and her parents, is this normal behavior for them? Have they always been this lax with their kids? There could be more to this than meets the eye, and it may be a situation that calls for the police. I can't imagine parents being OK with their 16 year old daughter dating a 25 year old worthless, manipulative, abusive user, but I know there's all kinds of kooks out there.

There's really nothing I can do. Call the police and have my friend hate me forever? Even if I did, it would just cause more trouble with "authorities". It would become a whole new scenario..  

When I had a problem, my friend wanted to help me but she knew she couldn't. She didn't make a huge effort to help; but I think we both know when somebody is making a big mistake you can't really tell them what to do or how to act. You have to let them make their own mistakes, hard as it is. Sometimes it means death or some serious injury, that's what scares me.