Topic : Being a Good Friend

I'm 22 years old, and a full time college student. My best friend, Sarah* is a year younger than I am. We first met just over 10 years ago, back in the sixth grade. She was sweet and very pretty, and we seemed to just "click" right away. Over time, we grew apart and began hanging out with different social groups, then eventually just stopped talking all together. This continued all through high school, us on different ends of the spectrum. During our senior year we began connecting again on a personal level, and soon learned we'd be attending the same college. It was at this point in time we made a "pact" that we'd be there for each other no matter what, and since then we've been best friends.

Now what does this have to do with being a good friend, you may be asking yourself? Here's the deal: over the past 3 1/2 years since we've graduated high school, Sarah and I have been through a lot; in fact, I feel we've been through more than most college students our age. Because of these things, I am worried about her.

At the tender age of 18 (after a year in Community College), Sarah moved out of her house against her parents' will, to live with her boyfriend and attend a larger school. Things seemed to be going great for the first few months, and I couldn't have been happier for her. Then I began getting phone calls and emails about how miserable she was: "The last couple of weeks have been very hard, I thought when I started school everything would be great but it wasn't. I got very sick at the beginning of classes and was unable to go all week, when the next week came I got progressively worse."; "Im very sorry about last night. It's just been very bad for me lately,"; "I hate [boyfriend] I hope he rots in f******* hell!" and so on. I would give her my advice on the situation(s) at hand, whether it was school, work, friends, her relationship or her family.

Things came to a head in the summer of 2005 when Sarah learned that her boyfriend had attended a strip club and received a lap dance from a stripper. She began blaming him for this, and rubbing it in his face constantly. She was so upset, that she just wouldn't let the fact that he had gotten a lap dance go. Finally in early Spring 2006, Sarah and Jon* called it quits. This absolutely crushed her, as she was madly in love with him. However, all they did was fight and they couldn't agree on the color of the sky if they wanted to. After having broken up, Sarah moved back home with her parents (the time period is now June 2006), to finish up school back at the Community College.

In the meantime (between 2004 and 2006), Sarah learned a lot about herself. For a short term she sought help and discovered that she had an eating disorder, she was highly depressed and was constantly threatening to kill herself. Also, she discovered that her parents were extremely manipulative.. which didn't help matters. Sarah wanted nothing more than to do things on her own and be a grown up. But even three hours from home, in another city in another state, she couldn't escape the wrath of her parents. Even at 20 years old, if mom and dad said not to do something, Sarah wouldn't do it.

Worst of all, I think, was when she learned she had BPD (Borderling Personality Disorder), which seemed to compliment the way she acted. Things had been going downhill with Jon for a long time and there were many red flags within the relationship. She has since admitted that she was afraid to leave him for fear of being left alone. There would be times she'd call him dozens upon dozens of times- sometimes it was after a fight, sometimes it was just to talk.- When he didn't call back, she'd just keep dialing. She would do the same thing with her parents after major blow-outs.

I also noted that during this time (2004-2006) she also developed a severely passive attitude. This was apparent mostly when she spoke of her relationship with her roommate. The two just did not get along, and whenever they fought, Sarah would simply let things go. For instance, Sarah's roommate found out about her eating disorder and constantly strutted around the apartment sputtering things like "Oh, I'm so fat" and "I need to lose weight". The roommate wouldn't even help with minor chores, like dishes or taking out the trash. It got to the point that Sarah was afraid to say anything, for fear of what would be tossed back in her face. She didn't know how to deal with these crude remarks. I would give her pointers, as I've dealt with bullying much of my life, hoping she'd put them to use. Unfortunately more times than not, Sarah would just back down from the situation.

Since Sarah has moved back home, she has not been in therapy and has not been taking her anti-depressants. Things on the homefront are on-again/off-again between Sarah, her parents and her brother. As for the ex, they no longer are on speaking terms, however Sarah just can't seem to let him go; it's been over 6 months since they broke up. She will constantly check on his MySpace, or see if he's online. Even friends they had in common when they were together, that she no longer speaks to, she'll keep on her MySpace just in case they happen to say something; she doesn't want to miss it. As for her roommate, that is simply a lost cause. The obvilously no longer live together, however things were bitter to the very end.

The thing that bothers me is, no matter what happens in Sarah's life, it's my feeling that she looks to me for the answers. The way I put it, she's looking for me to "doctorize" her. As her best friend, I don't mind listening to her vent about her problems or even give her my opinion when and where I feel it's needed. I have gotten to the point, that since September I've really begun to put my foot down. I have told her that I really feel she needs some help, and that she needs to get back into therapy. She's constantly wondering why things are the way they are- "How come nobody wants to be my friend?", "Why does Jon hate me so much?", "Why can't I get along with my parents?", "Why couldn't my roommate and I get along?" and so on- and I've told her, that I'm not a doctor or even a therapist. I do not have the answers. In order for things to get better, and for her to get some real answers, she needs to seek help.

Just like all the other advice I give, this gets ignored. I get told "Yeah, I know I need help", "Yeah, I'll go." but nothing ever comes of it. She even came out to me one day and said the reason why she doesn't go back to therapy is because she feels they do her no good. The specific therapist she was seeing "sucked". Then, I hear the flip side- "It wasn't entirely the doctor's fault. They were beginning to touch on things and I knew it was the truth, but wasn't ready to face it."

She's constantly contradicting herself, and constantly ignoring the advice I give her. I'm at the end of my rope with her and every day it's something new. I just want to yell at her and shake her and ask her why she doesn't take my advice. She's immediately in all these situations, and can't see things from an outsider's perspective. I know she wants help, because if she didn't, she wouldn't be coming to me. But at the same time, she ignores me constantly. All I want to do is be a good friend by helping her, and seeing her happy. How can I get her to listen to me? How can I really convince her to get back into therapy? She hasn't mentioned anything about suicide since before Christmas, however I don't want to wear the shame that I couldn't help if she does happen to get so depressed that she finally tries to do something about it.

I apologize for the length of this post, however if anybody has any input, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you :)

* = denotes name change.

I have a friend who I thought was very close to me and I have known her for about 5 yrs and all along we have been good  friends.  Initially for the first 4 yrs we both used to work together in the same office,but now we have both got other jobs, however we still keep in touch and we have been out for lunches and coffee etc, she has also come over to visit me at my house and have given me gifts like plaques "A True Friend" etc.  The problem is - she is very erratic and only when she feels like it she phones me or e-mails me, but everytime I try to reach her or send her an e-mail, she totally ignores me and eventually when she gets around to calling me she tells me that her computer broke down and hence she did not receive the e-mails or that her telephone was down or she accidentally pulled the telephone  cord out of the socket  or she is really busy  and does not have time etc., etc., but yet, she phones me at the office, and if I am not at work, phones my home or continously rings my cell leaving me messages and then bombards me with e-mails and begging me to make time, so we can go out together.  I enjoy her friendship and admire her as she is very smart person, but I think enough is enough as even my husband and family have noticed that she is just using me.  I don't really want to tell her to go to hell, but I am not really sure as to how I should go about telling her to get lost as I am really sick and tired of  the games she plays and I really need to tell her to grow up a bit, considering the fact that we will be entering our 40"s pretty soon.    Can someone let me know how to tell her this without being rude and hurting her feelings or should I just pretend I never got her e-mails and just ignore her telephone calls and messages and forget about her.

My best friend and I met in choir class in high school. We were the innocent, God-loving, singing, outgoing, cute girls that instantly bonded to be best friends. We decorated tshirts and sweatpants together for different activities at school, we spent the night together, we went to church together... we did everything together and we had everything in common. Slowly, she began to make friends that weren't the best of. She started to go out on the weekends with them. She came to a musical rehearsal hung over once, and that's how I knew things were turning bad. Now we're both in our first year of college and she's accumulated an STD, slept with numerous men, is drinking too much, picked up smoking cigarrettes, has hinted to trying weed at parties, and is in an emotionally abusive and spiritually barren relationship. She's stopped attending church, has picked up a foul mouth, has become disrespectful to her parents, has become easily irritated, and has become sarcastic past the point of funny. She's become abrasive, nonchalant, and irresponsible. It seems that nothing I have done has gotten through to her. Her softness and innocence are gone and have been replaced by an "I don't give a rats @$$ about anything" attitude. She's still my best friend, though, we have nothing in common anymore and hanging out and talking to her get harder and harder to do. There are so many things that I have addressed with her in so many different ways. I don't want to back down from this friendship even though she's not the best influence on me because I could be the only bible she's reading. She's still the most generous person I know and she'd still give the shirt off her back for anyone (literally). She's understanding, easygoing, caring, and loves with everything inside her. I want my old friend back! The past can't be rewritten, but I wish there was something I could do to convince her to try to get her life back on track. I've tried talking to her, writing her notes and emails, sending her hints like good quotes and bible verses, just being a good example, being blunt and telling her when I don't agree with something, getting mad at her, ignoring her, and bringing her back to church with me. Nothing has changed in her life. I don't want to change her. That's never worked in relationships so why would it work with my friend? I want her to get inspired to change herself because SHE wants to! But I can't seem to be able to spark that for her. I'm sick of feeling like all I can do is pray about it.  I'm at a loss and really frustrated. I'm meeting her for pizza in 10 minutes. Something has to be done.

Maybe there is a way in between. You can confront her with her behaviour in a more convincing way. Don't try to spare her feelings; is she careful with your feelings??? Doesn't look like it if you ask me. I think you have the right to know what's going on. If she has some lame excuses you can always decide to end the friendship. Again, If i were you I would not worry so much about her feelings.

Mikao

hello every body, i'm a new member here and iwanna introduce myself 2 u before sharing my story;

i'm haya 22 yo, clinical pharmacy student, arabian muslim from jordan.

ihave a very close friend that ireally love & need but, ifeel that we r both _at this time_ feel weak and we really need many changes in our lives as we r not satisfied.

the problem here is i already need help and a hand to rise me up so ican't offer here mine not because idon't want, but because i'm really not able. many misunderstandings occur lately so idon't know what 2 do.....

hey,

i kno itz pretty sad to come across such kindda frienship ,makein real friendship that can last for ever needs great effort,seriousness,and most importanlly is no lies and nothin should be kept behind,i kno its hard to sit with ur friend and tell him franckly a bout things ya can do and things ya cant and make him understand that how things supose to be and ya both gotta talk a bout it check out where are the weekness points and be honest,open and franckly so finally ya will be so happy to see ur friendship is in the rite track.

god bless ya