Topic : Being a Good Friend

I have a problem. I HATE, HATE, HATE surprises and secrets. I don't trust them and they make me very stressed, anxious and worried. 2 of my friends are holding a "surprise". But it's stressing me out and yet they still refuse to tell me. I kinda have a small trust issue with them. Earlier last year, they had a surprise" which turned out to be something I saw as very horrible and I didn't like it one bit. It was lucky they finally told me. Even though they thought the idea would be funny, they finally told me what it was and I found it to be horrible and they deiced not to go through with it. Anyway, this new surprise is stressing me out and they're saying they won't reveal it for another couple of weeks. I've known for about 2 days and I'm already on the borderline of tears. I'm very upset at the both of them for keeping this secret despite my stress on the subject. Is it right of me to be upset at them? Or should I try my best to be okay with the surprise?

Hello to you all. I really need some advice... I don't know how to change this about myself.

 My problem is: I can't say "no" most of time... I guess I'm a person who can easily be taken advantage of because I am far to kind. I have a friend I met in University, and she is really cool and we along just fine. It's fun being around each other. However it seems to me that she is trying to take advantage of me. Like she always makes herself a guest in my house, because she knows I cook and I have food so she comes in my house and eats, she always asks for my pen or my whatever. This wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't struggling myself to buy my own food, let alone feed her too. The thing is she has taken me for granted and I don't know how to change this situation, right now it's driving me insane. Just this weekend she called me and said "let's get together to study on Sunday, at 5pm, is that ok?" I said yes because I thought that by Sunday I'd have all my things ready so we could discuss all of our notes and stuff and I foolishly expected her to bring her own food, well she didn't. In a way it was good because she did enlighten me on some issues that are important for the test we're having in two days time however she snacked in my place and ate dinner (that I cooked), she helped me setting the table and she actually offered to do the dishes and (I still wonder why!) I said "No, don't bother, it's ok".... I'm so stupid, why couldn't I say "oh sure, that'd be helpful, thank you."... I'm not saying she is a nasty person or anything but the thing is I am being taken advantage off 'cause I'm always doing her favors and I do have a life and I am struggling to do my own things on time so why on earth do I keep helping other people and why on earth do people turn to me for help???

 Sometimes I feel as if I have something in my forehead written "Please use me"... I mean sometimes, it has happened, I "caught" the person on time and I've made myself immune to being to kind but I just can't do it with this one friend and it's driving me insane. I hate this feeling I have right now. I'm feeling like a fool. After having a few friends that did this to me in the past I promised myself this would never ever happen again and it is happened and it's really getting me frustrated.

 How can I stop being taken advantage of by this friend in particular without having to ruin our friendship? I mean I can ruin it but I'd like to do it in a way that wouldn't hurt either one of us and that wouldn't make us enemies.

 Has anyone here been through the same? How did you deal with it?

 Thank you,

  Johanna

Hello to you all. I really need some advice... I don't know how to change this about myself.

 My problem is: I can't say "no" most of time... I guess I'm a person who can easily be taken advantage of because I am far to kind. I have a friend I met in University, and she is really cool and we along just fine. It's fun being around each other. However it seems to me that she is trying to take advantage of me. Like she always makes herself a guest in my house, because she knows I cook and I have food so she comes in my house and eats, she always asks for my pen or my whatever. This wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't struggling myself to buy my own food, let alone feed her too. The thing is she has taken me for granted and I don't know how to change this situation, right now it's driving me insane. Just this weekend she called me and said "let's get together to study on Sunday, at 5pm, is that ok?" I said yes because I thought that by Sunday I'd have all my things ready so we could discuss all of our notes and stuff and I foolishly expected her to bring her own food, well she didn't. In a way it was good because she did enlighten me on some issues that are important for the test we're having in two days time however she snacked in my place and ate dinner (that I cooked), she helped me setting the table and she actually offered to do the dishes and (I still wonder why!) I said "No, don't bother, it's ok".... I'm so stupid, why couldn't I say "oh sure, that'd be helpful, thank you."... I'm not saying she is a nasty person or anything but the thing is I am being taken advantage off 'cause I'm always doing her favors and I do have a life and I am struggling to do my own things on time so why on earth do I keep helping other people and why on earth do people turn to me for help???

 Sometimes I feel as if I have something in my forehead written "Please use me"... I mean sometimes, it has happened, I "caught" the person on time and I've made myself immune to being to kind but I just can't do it with this one friend and it's driving me insane. I hate this feeling I have right now. I'm feeling like a fool. After having a few friends that did this to me in the past I promised myself this would never ever happen again and it is happened and it's really getting me frustrated.

 How can I stop being taken advantage of by this friend in particular without having to ruin our friendship? I mean I can ruin it but I'd like to do it in a way that wouldn't hurt either one of us and that wouldn't make us enemies.

 Has anyone here been through the same? How did you deal with it?

 Thank you,

  Johanna

Hi there!

 First of all thank you so much for your reply!

 I didnt mean to say that it is all her fault! It clearly isnt! I agree with Dr. Phils theory, I allowed these things to happen, so its my fault and I obviously need to be more careful. However I do think she has a controlling character because I act the same way with everyone else and no one takes (or tries has hard) to take advantage of me. If this was a few years ago I wouldnt think she could be doing it intentionally (I was more naïve), maybe its just her own character, maybe she sees how much she can get away from other people, I dont know. I never really thought she had a bad personality until quite recently, this week when we were having our test (the one we were studying for) we could chat and read each others notes because it was allowed by our teacher. Anyway when we were running out of time I started doing the second part of the test and I was copying from my notes really fast and she was like what are you copying, I replied and she said oh but that has nothing to do with the question, can I have your notes? and I (clearly) understood that she was saying that it had nothing to do with it so that Id give her the notes and she would write it on her test That seemed a bit bitchy.

 And also we were supposed to do an essay together and because she had lost her mobile phone I couldnt call her and she didnt call me at all so we couldnt discuss the details of it, when we did speak she said on the phone that she would do the whole written part of it, that I didnt have to worry. I was supposed to focus on the first part and she said Oh no, focus on the second part! and she said that she had everything under control I told her that it wasnt fair that she was doing the whole written part herself and she said that it was fine, I said that I really wanted to do it but because (of her) we left everything for last minute and we couldnt meet up. So she calls me two hours before we were supposed to hand it in and asks if I had done my part. I was stunned Luckily I managed to get it done on time but I did mention to her that she did told me not to do it, and she said she didnt. And this is not the first time it has happened, thats why I know it. I could think that maybe my mind was somewhere else but she is never consistent with what she says on the phone, so it seems to me that is trying to make me look bad because she doesnt do it when the rest of us (friend group) are together. Just things we discuss between each other and then she says I didnt say that. I dont understand what she has to gain from it but I am starting to really step back and only talk to her about College issues. Ive stopped being her friend, although I do realize I do have to be a bit cynical in order for the rest of our essays to be successful (we have another 3 to do together).

 Shame theres people like her around. She does possess some qualities, which were the reason why we became friends in the first place: She is a lot of fun, you cant stop laughing when youre around her; she is intelligent (although she doesnt like to show it, shes foxy), has a good sense of fashion and is able to have a decent conversation.

However my trust in her is lost. I am now sure she does indeed have bad intentions

Thank you so much, once again!

 Johanna

It is wonderful that you acknowledge/admit that you tend to have a negative personality, because as Dr. Phil would say- you cant fix what you dont acknowledge. Now that you are an adult, and you have admitted to this problem, you cant use the excuse that you learned it from your mom. That excuse isnt valid anymore; its all in your hands now!

Do you have a job? If not, consider volunteering. Or even volunteering on a day off. In my own personal experience, I met new friends by volunteering in my community. This is a great way to meet new people! I volunteered to put returned books on the shelves at the library; this brought me a lot of self confidence and self esteem because while volunteering, people would tell me how much they appreciated me (always great to hear!) and how helpful I was, etc. I came into contact with many positive people, and their attitudes rubbed off onto me. I urge you to make a conscious effort every day to give out at least 5 compliments to other people, whether you know the person or not. Tell your cashier that her necklace is beautiful; ask your neighbor if they are having a good day- when you force yourself to be positive, it eventually comes natural to you. Best wishes!