Topic : Being a Good Friend
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August 21, 2007, 10:45 am PDT
 Quote From: safouane hey my name is safouane i'm from maroc my probleme with girls is i dont know thetechnical to stay a long time with a girls Hi Safouane, can you explain a bit more about what you mean about not knoing the technical to stay a long time with girls? Do you mean you do not know how to stay freinds with them for a long period of time? Not really sure what you mean. Maybe if you share abit more about what your problem is, it would be helpful, =). Tammy |
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August 21, 2007, 12:53 pm PDT
Quote From: tammy_anne This is a really unbalance relationship Dean, I am sorry but it really is. And the balance of power and control is not in your favor at all. Your "friend" is making all the choices, based on her needs, wants, desires. What she said about friend "B" may or may not be true, but in all honesty it really was not her place to be speaking for someone else, it is up to freind "B" to share her feelings with you not your other friend. It sounds like both of these individuals are not compatiable friendship material. You, may very well be right that she is jelous of any freindhsip outside the bounds of the freindship you have with her, if that is the case it is not you who is being possesive and controling, it is the opposite. Honestly, you sound like a really nice person that places value on friendships, however, it is nto being recipocated, you are being hurt, and when that happens it is time to back away, and seek out freinds that are more in tune with you and want a balanced and healthy relationship. There are many people that would cherish a friend that actually liked to be with them and be true freinds and not hurt feelings or place conditions and strings on the freindship. I encourage you to become available to those people, that are more compatiable to you, and let these two women go, back off hun. I'm thinking they are playing a game with you, and it can become ugly, especially if they do slap you with a harrasment charge, they are so not worth it! Back off and stop any unecassary contact with them other than job related contact. Like I said you sound like a likable person, and there are people out there who will appreciate your friendship, however, these two women are not them. This sounds like a really dicey situation, and I am afraid that these two women really do not have your best interest at heart, again I really encourage you to back away and set up some clear boundaries. Keep in touch, and wishing you some peace and serenity, and wishng that your real freinds will hurry up and let you know who they are hehe =). Hugs Tammy
Tammy This is a wonderful answer, and after much soul searching I have, by way of a brother who I have treated as a confidente, come to much the same conclusion. My "friend" requested no contact except via cell phone, (which I refused), and I think on a small level assumed that I would restart contact via e-mail as she sent a one line mail of encouragement after our heart to heart, to which I simply replied "thanks". But I have not made any contact with her since then (except to put the lunch date in the diary). Maybe the silence is telling her something, she hasn't made contact again via e-mail either. My brother and your advice co-incides. The lunch I need to let slip away - somethings come up, a team meeting, whatever, so that it doesn't happen, politely of course - no fuss. "Light and fluffy" as my brother put it. "Friend B" also needs to "slip away" politely. I did say to "Friend B" last week that I would speak with her this week via e-mail, but even prior to reading your reply, this seems like a foolish thing to do. As this week has progressed it has become more distasteful. This just really isn't going to happen. I have another friend at work who has been very supportive - she doesn't know the whole story - and that is a good a place as any to start over, without saying another word about the matter to her. I shall look very carefully and consider balance in a friendship before commiting too much too soon in future. Wonderful advice, and I can't tell you how greatful I am that you took the time to write Tammy. This has meant a lot to me. Deano |
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August 24, 2007, 10:55 am PDT
First off I think you should know that I am a 32yo female, & I've been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for 2yrs this month. We have had our difficulties & challenges as any couple can, & we’re trying to incorporate different techniques to help us learn about the ways we act & react to one another in hopes of bettering every aspect of what is needed for a successful relationship.
Currently, I have been experiencing weird feelings from a minor circumstance between my girlfriend & a friend of mine that I have known for about 5yrs. I introduced her to my gf, as I have randomly done with other friends during the course of our 2yr relationship. Although now, we aren't all that close with the friend anymore, as my schedule doesn't permit much for socializing as much as I once did - not to mention the friend's relocation to another city an hour away.
In addition to our full time jobs, my girlfriend & I both work part time at a popular local healthy foods store and on occassion we'll see the friend doing some light shopping. Therefore, it is virtually impossible to avoid running into this "friend" at one time or another.
Last month, the friend stopped by the store - which she doesn't get to do often b/c she's not always in the area (as I said, she moved an hour away, but comes around to visit her son who still lives here). I was not working that evening, but my gf was & they chatted quickly in line as my gf was ringing up the friend's purchases.
Later that week, she dropped an email to my gf saying, "miss seeing you at the drug store... always makes me smile." My gf's response: "Aw how nice! Well we are still there! Just visit whenever you are down visiting your son. I know you gotta get him some fruit juices. Is he all about organic foods?"
This seemed harmless. However, the friend's next reply was hinting at being out of line: "No, those drinks are for me... I also got a few massagers... those are for my back & shoulders... MOSTLY." My gf responded with "Huh?" Then the friend elaborated with "Massagers... mostly for my back & shoulders... never mind. If you didn't get it then maybe you don't get it?" Knowing the friend's flirtacious persona, we have interpreted this as a subtle sexual connotation, which we would really rather not hear about... too much information! And what I think to be hinting at inappropriate conversation directed at someone (my gf) who is in a committed relationship, for which the friend knows this very well.
My gf says she never replied to the friend after receiving that. last email.
Then last week, the friend text messaged my gf asking if she had just had a birthday. My gf told her yes (on the 12th of August), and that we had gone to Austin, TX to celebrate, adding that she would send her links to the photos.
My gf finally got around to sending out photos to the friend yesterday. After viewing the photos, the friend responded via text message to my gf, "Damn you look good." My gf replied with "Aw" (she did not know what else to say) and the friend responded with "Sorry!" to which my gf simply said, "Ha!"
The icing on the cake was yesterday evening, when the friend emailed my gf and said, "Thanks for the hot flashes, sweat and visions of naughtiness ~ makes being single a little easier, but it also makes it a lot harder! If you ever need anything let me know ;-)"
My question is, even though this is presently a minor circumstance, that if something isn't said, either by my gf or myself, that it could have the possibility to escalate into a problem. I'm a strong believer of "nipping it in the bud" but my gf says she really doesn't want to deal with it, but rather just cut off all communication with her, obviously because of the uncomfortable feeling she's experiencing, and the subtle suggestiveness of the friend's comments - we're deeming it as somewhat borderline disrespect. If this fails to be addressed, what if the behavior on my friend's part continues, or worse, escalates? Even if the friend gets a hint (which is unlikely) and stops this inappropriate lack of respect to someone who's in a relationship thru her comments via email/text, but approaches my gf in the store with something else, that could be uncomfortable to the max.
I'm just wondering if we should address it, and if so, if it's my place to say something to our "friend," or if it should really be up to my gf to speak up to this friend. It seems to me, without dealing with the issue, the friend could construe that it not inappropriate but okay to speak like this - maybe not just to us but to others as well.
Please help! Thank you so much for your time. :) |
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August 24, 2007, 1:24 pm PDT
Quote From: deanoboy Tammy This is a wonderful answer, and after much soul searching I have, by way of a brother who I have treated as a confidente, come to much the same conclusion. My "friend" requested no contact except via cell phone, (which I refused), and I think on a small level assumed that I would restart contact via e-mail as she sent a one line mail of encouragement after our heart to heart, to which I simply replied "thanks". But I have not made any contact with her since then (except to put the lunch date in the diary). Maybe the silence is telling her something, she hasn't made contact again via e-mail either. My brother and your advice co-incides. The lunch I need to let slip away - somethings come up, a team meeting, whatever, so that it doesn't happen, politely of course - no fuss. "Light and fluffy" as my brother put it. "Friend B" also needs to "slip away" politely. I did say to "Friend B" last week that I would speak with her this week via e-mail, but even prior to reading your reply, this seems like a foolish thing to do. As this week has progressed it has become more distasteful. This just really isn't going to happen. I have another friend at work who has been very supportive - she doesn't know the whole story - and that is a good a place as any to start over, without saying another word about the matter to her. I shall look very carefully and consider balance in a friendship before commiting too much too soon in future. Wonderful advice, and I can't tell you how greatful I am that you took the time to write Tammy. This has meant a lot to me. Deano So glad that i was helpful to you, i had to chuckle about the light and fluffy part your brother said hehe, very aptly put hehe. You really are doing the right thing for yourself, and protecting yourself too! yup the supportive freind is a great place to start. Yea, she does not to know the details of these past friendhsips, because they are in the past, and you my friend are not dwelling in the past but relishing a great furture! I am so happy for you! Keep in touch and let us know how the new freindship is going, and if these two other women start harrasing you! Geez I hope they don't but it is a possibility, protect yourself, like i said these two women seem to be playing a game with you and I don't like it one bit. Yea any contact they may engage, keep it light and fluffy, and short. Stay happy, you deserve good freinds, because you are good people =). Hugs Tammy
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August 24, 2007, 1:37 pm PDT
Quote From: step_up04 First off I think you should know that I am a 32yo female, & I've been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for 2yrs this month. We have had our difficulties & challenges as any couple can, & were trying to incorporate different techniques to help us learn about the ways we act & react to one another in hopes of bettering every aspect of what is needed for a successful relationship.
Currently, I have been experiencing weird feelings from a minor circumstance between my girlfriend & a friend of mine that I have known for about 5yrs. I introduced her to my gf, as I have randomly done with other friends during the course of our 2yr relationship. Although now, we aren't all that close with the friend anymore, as my schedule doesn't permit much for socializing as much as I once did - not to mention the friend's relocation to another city an hour away.
In addition to our full time jobs, my girlfriend & I both work part time at a popular local healthy foods store and on occassion we'll see the friend doing some light shopping. Therefore, it is virtually impossible to avoid running into this "friend" at one time or another.
Last month, the friend stopped by the store - which she doesn't get to do often b/c she's not always in the area (as I said, she moved an hour away, but comes around to visit her son who still lives here). I was not working that evening, but my gf was & they chatted quickly in line as my gf was ringing up the friend's purchases.
Later that week, she dropped an email to my gf saying, "miss seeing you at the drug store... always makes me smile." My gf's response: "Aw how nice! Well we are still there! Just visit whenever you are down visiting your son. I know you gotta get him some fruit juices. Is he all about organic foods?"
This seemed harmless. However, the friend's next reply was hinting at being out of line: "No, those drinks are for me... I also got a few massagers... those are for my back & shoulders... MOSTLY." My gf responded with "Huh?" Then the friend elaborated with "Massagers... mostly for my back & shoulders... never mind. If you didn't get it then maybe you don't get it?" Knowing the friend's flirtacious persona, we have interpreted this as a subtle sexual connotation, which we would really rather not hear about... too much information! And what I think to be hinting at inappropriate conversation directed at someone (my gf) who is in a committed relationship, for which the friend knows this very well.
My gf says she never replied to the friend after receiving that. last email.
Then last week, the friend text messaged my gf asking if she had just had a birthday. My gf told her yes (on the 12th of August), and that we had gone to Austin, TX to celebrate, adding that she would send her links to the photos.
My gf finally got around to sending out photos to the friend yesterday. After viewing the photos, the friend responded via text message to my gf, "Damn you look good." My gf replied with "Aw" (she did not know what else to say) and the friend responded with "Sorry!" to which my gf simply said, "Ha!"
The icing on the cake was yesterday evening, when the friend emailed my gf and said, "Thanks for the hot flashes, sweat and visions of naughtiness makes being single a little easier, but it also makes it a lot harder! If you ever need anything let me know ;-)"
My question is, even though this is presently a minor circumstance, that if something isn't said, either by my gf or myself, that it could have the possibility to escalate into a problem. I'm a strong believer of "nipping it in the bud" but my gf says she really doesn't want to deal with it, but rather just cut off all communication with her, obviously because of the uncomfortable feeling she's experiencing, and the subtle suggestiveness of the friend's comments - we're deeming it as somewhat borderline disrespect. If this fails to be addressed, what if the behavior on my friend's part continues, or worse, escalates? Even if the friend gets a hint (which is unlikely) and stops this inappropriate lack of respect to someone who's in a relationship thru her comments via email/text, but approaches my gf in the store with something else, that could be uncomfortable to the max.
I'm just wondering if we should address it, and if so, if it's my place to say something to our "friend," or if it should really be up to my gf to speak up to this friend. It seems to me, without dealing with the issue, the friend could construe that it not inappropriate but okay to speak like this - maybe not just to us but to others as well.
Please help! Thank you so much for your time. :) Hey, read your post and can understand your dilema. Can also relate to your SO's feeling of uncomfortability to this person flirting and coming on to her. She has every right to feel uncomfortable. what the heck is your so called freind thinking?! now to the heart of the matter. First this person was your friend, and you introduced her to your SO. With that being said is it your place to address this with your friend? Hell yea! Basicly eventhough she may be your friend she may not be a freind to your SO, who is being polite to your freind simply because she is your freind. Your SO is being nice to your freind for you, not because she likes this person who is making her uncomfortable. Your SO comes first in your life, and if someone is making her uncomfortable, and she wants to stop contact with them, then let this person know hey my SO is not comfortable with the come ones and the flirting and so I have decided that you either have to redifine the freindship and respect our boundaries or stop communicating with us on a personal level. Your SO is not comfortable with confrontation, and thisfreind was yours first, and you gave her the privilage of meeting your SO, and now she has taken it upon herself to abuse the freindship, make your SO uncomfortable, to meet her needs and wants. Is that right nope not at all. You need to address this, your SO would probably feel a lot better if she knew that you would not allow freinds or people toinvade her comfort zone at their whims, that you will protect her and support her, first and fore most and that freinds pale in comparision to her. She also needs to know that you do expect to confron your friends, when she is not comfortable doing so, but that you will. You love her, show her that, she needs a hero, be that hero and stop this person from causing her to feel uncomfortable in her own home! If this freind does not get it, thenshe needs to stop communicating with you and your SO, she is not freindship material in my honest opinion. Keep in touch, really wish the best for both you and your SO. Tammy
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August 25, 2007, 8:27 am PDT
Quote From: step_up04 First off I think you should know that I am a 32yo female, & I've been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for 2yrs this month. We have had our difficulties & challenges as any couple can, & were trying to incorporate different techniques to help us learn about the ways we act & react to one another in hopes of bettering every aspect of what is needed for a successful relationship.
Currently, I have been experiencing weird feelings from a minor circumstance between my girlfriend & a friend of mine that I have known for about 5yrs. I introduced her to my gf, as I have randomly done with other friends during the course of our 2yr relationship. Although now, we aren't all that close with the friend anymore, as my schedule doesn't permit much for socializing as much as I once did - not to mention the friend's relocation to another city an hour away.
In addition to our full time jobs, my girlfriend & I both work part time at a popular local healthy foods store and on occassion we'll see the friend doing some light shopping. Therefore, it is virtually impossible to avoid running into this "friend" at one time or another.
Last month, the friend stopped by the store - which she doesn't get to do often b/c she's not always in the area (as I said, she moved an hour away, but comes around to visit her son who still lives here). I was not working that evening, but my gf was & they chatted quickly in line as my gf was ringing up the friend's purchases.
Later that week, she dropped an email to my gf saying, "miss seeing you at the drug store... always makes me smile." My gf's response: "Aw how nice! Well we are still there! Just visit whenever you are down visiting your son. I know you gotta get him some fruit juices. Is he all about organic foods?"
This seemed harmless. However, the friend's next reply was hinting at being out of line: "No, those drinks are for me... I also got a few massagers... those are for my back & shoulders... MOSTLY." My gf responded with "Huh?" Then the friend elaborated with "Massagers... mostly for my back & shoulders... never mind. If you didn't get it then maybe you don't get it?" Knowing the friend's flirtacious persona, we have interpreted this as a subtle sexual connotation, which we would really rather not hear about... too much information! And what I think to be hinting at inappropriate conversation directed at someone (my gf) who is in a committed relationship, for which the friend knows this very well.
My gf says she never replied to the friend after receiving that. last email.
Then last week, the friend text messaged my gf asking if she had just had a birthday. My gf told her yes (on the 12th of August), and that we had gone to Austin, TX to celebrate, adding that she would send her links to the photos.
My gf finally got around to sending out photos to the friend yesterday. After viewing the photos, the friend responded via text message to my gf, "Damn you look good." My gf replied with "Aw" (she did not know what else to say) and the friend responded with "Sorry!" to which my gf simply said, "Ha!"
The icing on the cake was yesterday evening, when the friend emailed my gf and said, "Thanks for the hot flashes, sweat and visions of naughtiness makes being single a little easier, but it also makes it a lot harder! If you ever need anything let me know ;-)"
My question is, even though this is presently a minor circumstance, that if something isn't said, either by my gf or myself, that it could have the possibility to escalate into a problem. I'm a strong believer of "nipping it in the bud" but my gf says she really doesn't want to deal with it, but rather just cut off all communication with her, obviously because of the uncomfortable feeling she's experiencing, and the subtle suggestiveness of the friend's comments - we're deeming it as somewhat borderline disrespect. If this fails to be addressed, what if the behavior on my friend's part continues, or worse, escalates? Even if the friend gets a hint (which is unlikely) and stops this inappropriate lack of respect to someone who's in a relationship thru her comments via email/text, but approaches my gf in the store with something else, that could be uncomfortable to the max.
I'm just wondering if we should address it, and if so, if it's my place to say something to our "friend," or if it should really be up to my gf to speak up to this friend. It seems to me, without dealing with the issue, the friend could construe that it not inappropriate but okay to speak like this - maybe not just to us but to others as well.
Please help! Thank you so much for your time. :) If you were to confront your friend, she would probably deny that she was being flirty and try to pretend that you are being over-protective; that would be her defensive response. Instead, my advice would be to ignore this person’s comments and don’t respond at all, not a “ha” or a “huh?”- nothing. She will get the hint. She is looking for flirty conversation, and when she doesn’t get any response back, hopefully she will give up. What if she doesn’t? If she sends another message saying “you give me hot flashes” or things like that- have your girlfriend forward the message to you, and then you reply to this ‘friend’ with the forwarded message attached, saying simply, “this is inappropriate.” Nothing more, nothing less, don’t give her more attention then she deserves! |
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September 20, 2007, 6:28 pm PDT
Being a good friend to me means: Trusting your friend... Being able to communicate effect with a good friend. Sharing emotions and thoughts about all kinds of subjects listening to eachother with respect. Repect goes along way in friendship. Being there for eachother emotionally lending a shoulder for support. I have found that good friends are hard to find. Some friends try to me someone that they are not. I want a friend to be confident in themselfves. Thanks.Brandi |
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September 21, 2007, 9:13 am PDT
I am a widow and do not have any children or any living family. I have had a best friend for the last 9 years and considered her "my sister of the heart." She is married and has a large family and always included me in her life. Last year she had 3 ladies in our large quilting guild upset her. There are 170 members in our group and having 3 not care much for you is pretty good I think. I tried to get all the people involved together and talk it out. We all got together in my house and she had apologies all around. The ladies involved were upset and I believe they did not want to hurt her. It ended with tears and hugs.
I have remained friends with this group and am very active in our quilt guild because I do not have much of a life outside it. My friend has cut her ties with everyone in the group and has for over a year cried and moaned about what was done to her.
Today she called to tell me she "has no friends." I responded that I am her friend and she said: "well." I guess I should have opened my eyes sooner and realized she does not want to be my friend because I have remained friendly with the 3 ladies that hurt her feelings and I am very active in our quilt guild.
It breaks my heart to see a 9 year old friendship being tossed away. In the past she has been my rock and was there for me all during my husbands illness and death. Every problem I have had to deal with, she was there lending a hand or a shoulder to cry on. I have struggled with the decision to remain in the group or leave it out of respect for her. I guess I made the wrong decision.
Does anyone have any advice for me about regaining her trust and love. Should I have left the group out of respect for her? I am just really sad and do not know what to do. I miss my "sister". |
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September 21, 2007, 6:58 pm PDT
Quote From: outonaleash3 I am a widow and do not have any children or any living family. I have had a best friend for the last 9 years and considered her "my sister of the heart." She is married and has a large family and always included me in her life. Last year she had 3 ladies in our large quilting guild upset her. There are 170 members in our group and having 3 not care much for you is pretty good I think. I tried to get all the people involved together and talk it out. We all got together in my house and she had apologies all around. The ladies involved were upset and I believe they did not want to hurt her. It ended with tears and hugs.
I have remained friends with this group and am very active in our quilt guild because I do not have much of a life outside it. My friend has cut her ties with everyone in the group and has for over a year cried and moaned about what was done to her.
Today she called to tell me she "has no friends." I responded that I am her friend and she said: "well." I guess I should have opened my eyes sooner and realized she does not want to be my friend because I have remained friendly with the 3 ladies that hurt her feelings and I am very active in our quilt guild.
It breaks my heart to see a 9 year old friendship being tossed away. In the past she has been my rock and was there for me all during my husbands illness and death. Every problem I have had to deal with, she was there lending a hand or a shoulder to cry on. I have struggled with the decision to remain in the group or leave it out of respect for her. I guess I made the wrong decision.
Does anyone have any advice for me about regaining her trust and love. Should I have left the group out of respect for her? I am just really sad and do not know what to do. I miss my "sister". I feel for the position your friend has put upon you. You seemed to feel you are pulled into two directions. Should I stay in the quilting group or leave the group completely to be with just one true dear friend. Maybe your friend has other issues and this is the issue that broke the straw on the camels back???? Could she be going into a depression and might need to see a doctor, (menopause????). If your friend wants you to leave the whole group, then she is becoming a possessive friend. If the group of quilters make you happy, don't leave it. The amount of time you spent with your friend I'm sure is quality time. So the time with the quilters is another part of time for you. She has a family and you are very limited. So in my opinion, stay in the group, and maybe be a little firm with your friend to say get over it, life is too short to be ticked off from 3 women that got under your skin. Your quilt group is your outlet to others in the world. To be limited to just one friend makes the world a small place. Let me know what you decide. |
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September 22, 2007, 7:23 am PDT
Quote From: linda12k I feel for the position your friend has put upon you. You seemed to feel you are pulled into two directions. Should I stay in the quilting group or leave the group completely to be with just one true dear friend. Maybe your friend has other issues and this is the issue that broke the straw on the camels back???? Could she be going into a depression and might need to see a doctor, (menopause????). If your friend wants you to leave the whole group, then she is becoming a possessive friend. If the group of quilters make you happy, don't leave it. The amount of time you spent with your friend I'm sure is quality time. So the time with the quilters is another part of time for you. She has a family and you are very limited. So in my opinion, stay in the group, and maybe be a little firm with your friend to say get over it, life is too short to be ticked off from 3 women that got under your skin. Your quilt group is your outlet to others in the world. To be limited to just one friend makes the world a small place. Let me know what you decide. Thank you so much for your reply. I needed to hear it from someone else. I have a few other good friends who were aware of the whole situation and they are saying just what you shared. I think I went through the whole grieving process over the death of a friendship and I am beginning to be able to accept the truth.
If she could turn her back on 9 years of friendship so easily I guess she was not as invested in the friendship as I was. I will always be here if she ever needs me or wants to work on our friendship but for now I am just going to be cordial to her and not call her or go to see her.
I really feel much better today. When I posted my message yesterday I was sitting here crying and feeling devastated. I will now accept the choice she has made that "we have nothing in common" and that "she has no friends, including me."
Your response was just what I needed to read. I appreciate your insight into the struggle in my heart. Thank you so much, Diane |
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