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Topic : Being a Good Friend

Number of Replies: 515
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:18:38 am
Author : dataimport
What does it mean to be a good "friend"? Has  someone shown you the true meaning of friendship? Share your story here.

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June 17, 2008, 10:50 am CDT

Being a Good Friend

Quote From: harmony40

My closest friend is engaged. I want to be the best friend I can for her but can't be happy about this marriage. She and her "fiance" have been dating for 3 years. In this 3 years he has cheated on her at least 5 times. Maybe more.  The last time in 02/2008 when he flew his girlfriend from FL (whom he has been seeing for the past 9 years but told my friend that he had broken up with) to MO where he was temporarily working to celebrate his birthday. My friend found out when she has a "suspicion" and checked his airline account and discovered that he had bought the airline ticket.  This is not the only woman he has cheated on her with.  He asked her to marry him a couple of weeks ago and she said yes!!!!  When she told me I was in shock!!!  She is smarter than this. I can't figure out why she is doing this.  I want so badly to tell her to run for the hills, forget she ever knew him. He has treated her so horribly what makes her think he has suddenly changed....   She is so embarrassed/ashamed/reluctant for anyone to know that she has told no one other than me that they are engaged and wears the engagement ring on her right hand.

The only thing I said to her was "Make absolutely sure this is what you want before you make it final."  I don't want to hurt her by saying what I really feel which isn't very nice. On the other hand if I say nothing and she marries the creep I'll feel equally bad. 

Help! Adivce?

Hi,

 

it is really hard not to hurt your friend if you really want to help her. Ask yourself what would be worse: lying to her and let her hurt herself or by him? Or tell the truth in a tactical manner by expressing what you feel and why! Argumentation is essential in these matters. You can't just go around and say: hey I think the man you are getting married to is a jerk! She would feel as if you attacked her. But sitting down with her and telling her that you have to get something of your chest is in my opinion the best thing to do. You can't change the truth of this problem and how you feel about it. But you can express the truth (that's the thing about the truth, wether you say it or not: it still is!).

 

Good luck with this. I understand it is not easy to do, but if she is a true friend and you only want to keep her from harm, just say so then. She will understand. But is she chooses not to do something with what you say, then it is her choice...

 
June 17, 2008, 11:01 am CDT

A cry in the dark?

Quote From: rose88

HI EVERY BODY,  I HAVE BEEN CHEATED BY 2 FREINDS BEFORE THEY WERE ACTING ON ME THAT THEY ARE HONEST AND LOVE ME BUT THEY WERE LIERS .........I REALY NEED AGOOD AND HONEST FREIND  MY E-MAIL IS:  dream_alone88@hotmail.com

Hey.

 

I noticed your ad in the message board? Do you believe that a good friend will be found in this manner?

How do you see a true friend? Do you seek someone to spend your life with? Do you seek new contacts (just place a message an wait what happens?) Or do you need someone to talk to?

 

A friend is not the same as a mate to me... I learned what it means to have and be a friend. I dont have many, but the ones I have I can rely on and they on me.

 

My mail is with this message if you care to talk about.... well anything actually:P

 
June 18, 2008, 2:21 pm CDT

Long Distance Abusive Relationship

A very good friend of mine had gotten herself into what I would classify as a "long distance abusive relationship". 

She has recently re-connected with a long lost flame and has started talking to him via the internet.  They are both from Iran, she moved to Canada when she was 15,  before that they had never even so much as held hands.  He apparently had many girlfriends that he did pretty much everything with,  but everyone, even he said that he never tried anything like that with her because she was different, special. They kept in contact for a while and then he broke it off. 

Just a few months ago she found him on line and has been smitten ever since, convinced that this guy is her destiny.  He claims to love her, but has absolutely no problem hurting her at will.  She basically has to beg him to talk to her or get his best friend to badger him into it.  It's bordering on pathetic.  She knows that he treats her badly, but she just takes whatever lame excuse he comes up with and continues to "love" him.  Those of us who care about her need help convincing her that she is better than this, better than him!

 

She knows that she should run but can't seem to get away.  No matter what this guy does she just rolls over and takes it.  There is nothing that she won't forgive!  She says that he has always been hot tempered and just need s to calm down.  And that if they were physically together she would know how to calm him down.

 

I'm just about at my wit's end watching her cry over this jerk, and I have told her that if I ever see this guy in person that I will hand him a beating he'll never forget for two reasons: 1.  You don't treat women that way.  2.  You don't treat my friends that way!

 

I, and even she is convinced that it's not her that he's in love with, it the memory of that 15 year old girl that he never got to be with.  Because once real life intrudes on his fantasy he get's angry and they don't talk for a week, and I'm left to pick up the pieces.

 

Please help!

 
July 3, 2008, 12:20 am CDT

Friends are precious

Hello there, i always believe that friendship is something very important in our lives

we can't live alone, they have to help us in our problems or issues, they share with us the good and the bad, but it depends on how you choose your friends

actually, i didn't have a lot of friends in my life, a lot of them betrayed me and it was just about boys!!!!!

so after that, i prefered to have friends boys and not girls, but it's diferent because you can't tell anything to your friend, sometimes, it has to be a girl

once i had a friend, and she was so shy, and i was really happy with her, we used to go to the same school, we talked about everything and nothing, she understood me, and i felt that i don't need anyone else because no one can replace her but things always change, our ways separated and i always think that i wil never find someone like her

Be a good friend, so people will always have a good memory about you 

 
July 14, 2008, 12:31 pm CDT

To every woman please.

Dear everyone. My best friend in the world Sheila Smith won't at all answering my electronic mails. Sheila Smith told me that I senting her same electronic mails. Please help me. Please only woman can answer this. Please the electronic mail says to Sheila Smith.

Dear Sheila. Hi Sheila. I am doing ok. I don't at all want to visit my aunt unless you go with me. I understand you have to work. Please don't at all forget to let me know by electronic mail me about you work vacation again. Please don't at all forget to let me know when have work vacations again. What is the name of the place you work at please? What is the name of the name of the place where Mackenzie works at please? What are you hours, and what are Kenzie's hours please? You never tell me that. What time do I call Kenzie on her Birthday please? Please electronic me back with all the answers to my questions. I will tell Jen about me not at all going to New. York. Please don't at all forget to ask, or tell me the next time you going to New. York City. I would love to go with you. Please don't at all make a "girls thing", and a "only girls thing" I don't at all like that. Can we make a deal with each other please? If you tell me that you have a work vacation get here soon, and if I will tell you I have a work vacation get here soon we make plans for a vacation like New. York, or some place else. Deal Sheila? How often are you work vacation Sheila? Every 6 months, ten months? Please don't at all use up your work vacation unless you tell me first. Deal? Its been a long time since we see each other. I need to see you please. What you doing this weekend, and every weekend? Do you work on the weekend at all? What is your job title? What is Kenzie's job title please? I hope you don't at all mind answering all my questions. I love you so much Sheila. Do you love me at all? Starting in 2009 we can go on trips if you have a work vacation get here by than. Also starting on 2009, meeting my aunt Jen, Bob Albanese, Allen, and Rita Abrams, and Ada Walz in New. York. I guess I have to wait a another year for you, and me go to New. York. Jen has a work vacation every November. I don't at all want to go alone. Nothing new. Seeing football, basketball, and hockey when is on. I hope you don't at all mind my long electronic mail to you. When can go to a sports game if we can, or Safety Harbor Middle School, or anything else. Bye.

Love, Reed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can you help me please? Please answer this today now. Sheila Smith won't at all listen to me too. I don't at all like that. I would love to chat with Sheila Smith online, or by phone. Please Sheila Smith I will listen to you today now. Please Sheila Smith, the next time you have a work vacation, let me know. Please Sheila Smith, I am very sorry about this too. Starting in July, I will call Sheila Smith only once per month if Sheila don't at all mind. I have so many questions for Sheila too. Please Sheila, answer my questions in my last electronic mail, and every questions  to you by phone, and by electronic mail. Sheila, and me are best friends since Middle School. I want to be a good friend to her. I hope Sheila feels the same way. Its just that Sheila makes me mad about not at all answering my questions by phone, and by electronic mail. I would love to chat with Sheila Smith for 3 hours by phone, or by electronic mail. That would by nice of her to do that. Another thing please. Sheila won't at all say good bye first, when I talked to my aunt Jen, Jen would let every time say good bye first. Next year when Sheila Smith, and me are in New. York with Jen, I will tell Sheila how we talked to Jen by person from Jen's home phone. Sheila will see Jen, and me how to talk to Jen from my aunt's home phone.

From, Reed.
 
August 22, 2008, 10:08 am CDT

Not sure what to do

Please, I would like some advise on this.  What is the rule for treating someone to lunch?  A very good friend I have known for a long time, is married and I am not friends with his wife.  Sometimes he helps me with some personal things and to thank him I treat him to lunch.  But, the wife comes along and I end up paying for all the lunch.  I think that I should only be paying for his portion and he should tell her that he will take care of hers.  The last time we had lunch it was a thank you to him and I ended up paying for all of it.  We are getting together again soon in which she will come along again, he did something for me so I will treat him, but I don't think it's fair for me to have to pay for all of it again.  Anyone have thoughts on this as I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

 

 
August 24, 2008, 4:54 am CDT

You might need to stop inviting him for lunch.

Quote From: starrose

Please, I would like some advise on this.  What is the rule for treating someone to lunch?  A very good friend I have known for a long time, is married and I am not friends with his wife.  Sometimes he helps me with some personal things and to thank him I treat him to lunch.  But, the wife comes along and I end up paying for all the lunch.  I think that I should only be paying for his portion and he should tell her that he will take care of hers.  The last time we had lunch it was a thank you to him and I ended up paying for all of it.  We are getting together again soon in which she will come along again, he did something for me so I will treat him, but I don't think it's fair for me to have to pay for all of it again.  Anyone have thoughts on this as I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

 

Or wait for him to ask you to lunch one day. If you are friends, then it should work both ways.See what happens when he makes the suggestion. Also, I think your friend is a little on the cheap side :) if he brings a guest without there being any invitation or discussion. Now there should not be a discussion for a man or woman to bring their s/o with them to lunch, dinner, movies....they are probably hooked at the hip and can't do anything without each other or they just love each other so much...:)  either way, its not the extra person that is the issue here, right???? So next time he brings his wife, suddelnly realize you didn't have money to pay for the WHOLE BILL. He will have to pay and then he may start to wonder if this will happen more often. Its a sneaky trick but then again, I don't think you are playing with a fair player anyway. Goodluck.
 
August 25, 2008, 7:11 am CDT

Being a Good Friend

Quote From: kimikomine

Or wait for him to ask you to lunch one day. If you are friends, then it should work both ways.See what happens when he makes the suggestion. Also, I think your friend is a little on the cheap side :) if he brings a guest without there being any invitation or discussion. Now there should not be a discussion for a man or woman to bring their s/o with them to lunch, dinner, movies....they are probably hooked at the hip and can't do anything without each other or they just love each other so much...:)  either way, its not the extra person that is the issue here, right???? So next time he brings his wife, suddelnly realize you didn't have money to pay for the WHOLE BILL. He will have to pay and then he may start to wonder if this will happen more often. Its a sneaky trick but then again, I don't think you are playing with a fair player anyway. Goodluck.

This is how things work with him.  Whenever I come over to the area where they live, she always comes with us.  It has been decided by him, that she will come along, he says based on their culture - The fact that he is married and he is friends with someone who is single and younger than his wife.  He said that it has something to do with appearances, a married man going out with a single woman.  I don't see it that way at all.  I am not attracted to him sexually, so that would never happen.  I think it's a jealousy thing on her part and she probably doesn't want to be left out.  She and I are not friends and I wish to leave it that way.  So, there really wasn't any discussion between him and I about how I felt about her always coming along.  I do understand about significant others, but to always come along when you are not friends with them seems a little odd,  almost like it's forced socializing.  When I come over to his side and it's not a thank you lunch, they pay for my lunch, but it turns out that we get together for more thank you lunches, so I end up paying more times, for both of them.  I certainly do not want to come across as selfish or inconsiderate, I am in no way any of those.  I just want to find out what is fair.  I work near him so sometimes just he and I get together for lunch.  But, when he comes over to where I live, she is invited, but never comes out with him.  I have always wondered about that.  So, him saying that his wife has to always come along in my opinion is bull because she never comes over to my area.  There is something not right about that statement.  The issue here is the other person.  Since the thank you is to him why should I always have to pay for her lunch?

 
August 26, 2008, 3:17 am CDT

It is difficult to argue with a culture or belief system.

Quote From: starrose

This is how things work with him.  Whenever I come over to the area where they live, she always comes with us.  It has been decided by him, that she will come along, he says based on their culture - The fact that he is married and he is friends with someone who is single and younger than his wife.  He said that it has something to do with appearances, a married man going out with a single woman.  I don't see it that way at all.  I am not attracted to him sexually, so that would never happen.  I think it's a jealousy thing on her part and she probably doesn't want to be left out.  She and I are not friends and I wish to leave it that way.  So, there really wasn't any discussion between him and I about how I felt about her always coming along.  I do understand about significant others, but to always come along when you are not friends with them seems a little odd,  almost like it's forced socializing.  When I come over to his side and it's not a thank you lunch, they pay for my lunch, but it turns out that we get together for more thank you lunches, so I end up paying more times, for both of them.  I certainly do not want to come across as selfish or inconsiderate, I am in no way any of those.  I just want to find out what is fair.  I work near him so sometimes just he and I get together for lunch.  But, when he comes over to where I live, she is invited, but never comes out with him.  I have always wondered about that.  So, him saying that his wife has to always come along in my opinion is bull because she never comes over to my area.  There is something not right about that statement.  The issue here is the other person.  Since the thank you is to him why should I always have to pay for her lunch?

Marriage is a belief system and certain cultures do not approve of outside relationships with other people that are considered intimate, such a lunch dates, coffee chats, drinks to discuss work, sport activities, etc. It has nothing to do with being sexually attracted to him or not but just their beliefs. I would try to learn a little about that culture first, then you can understand better what your friend might be experiencing.

 

You are not being selfish or inconsiderate at all to expect certain things, but you must not be too disappointed when what you want is not the reality of the situation. Look at what is, not what you want ti to be like.

 

I have two really good friends, they are husband and wife, and because I am single they love taking me out because it is a given, its just me and thats all they have to pay for. But when you get a third person in on the equasion, whether by invite or default, it makes it complicated and unclear.

 

I think you might need to find another dining companion. LOL 

 
August 27, 2008, 10:58 am CDT

Being a Good Friend

Quote From: kimikomine

Marriage is a belief system and certain cultures do not approve of outside relationships with other people that are considered intimate, such a lunch dates, coffee chats, drinks to discuss work, sport activities, etc. It has nothing to do with being sexually attracted to him or not but just their beliefs. I would try to learn a little about that culture first, then you can understand better what your friend might be experiencing.

 

You are not being selfish or inconsiderate at all to expect certain things, but you must not be too disappointed when what you want is not the reality of the situation. Look at what is, not what you want ti to be like.

 

I have two really good friends, they are husband and wife, and because I am single they love taking me out because it is a given, its just me and thats all they have to pay for. But when you get a third person in on the equasion, whether by invite or default, it makes it complicated and unclear.

 

I think you might need to find another dining companion. LOL 

I understand everything you say, but there is the question about his wife.  Why should I have to pay for her, just because she comes along, as I am not friends with her.  She and I are cordial to one another but that is it.  For the times that we have gotten together that are not my thank you to him, they have paid for me and then the next time I have paid, but I feel almost like I am pressured into paying for her just because she is there.  Why should I have to do that?  I have always believed in going dutch as "who picks up the tab" can make things uncomfortable and I am going to tell him that I want to do that from now on.  I will do something else for him as a thank you.
 
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