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Topic : Being a Good Friend

Number of Replies: 515
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:18:38 am
Author : dataimport
What does it mean to be a good "friend"? Has  someone shown you the true meaning of friendship? Share your story here.

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September 24, 2005, 2:39 pm CDT

in need of some cheering up

I don't know how to go about this, but I am extremely frustrated right now and could use some cheering up and hope there is someone out there who can help. My problem is that I have been thinking of leaving my hubby. This has been on my mind for quite some time and I don't know where to turn for support as family is not really an option and friends are few. I feel like my self worth is being sucked right out of me and I am drained. I do not want to feel like this anymore and I do want to start feeling good about myself again but I cannot do it in this house with my husband. I do not want to come off like I am depressed or anything, I just basically have had enough of the crap I have been dealing with.  I have alot on my mind and it seems like the world on my shoulders. I could use some real honest suggestions on what I can do to move on or feel better about myself. If there is anyone who is willing to share some insight that would be great. Thanks for reading.
 
September 24, 2005, 4:39 pm CDT

Being a Good Friend

Quote From: jyakfour

I don't know how to go about this, but I am extremely frustrated right now and could use some cheering up and hope there is someone out there who can help. My problem is that I have been thinking of leaving my hubby. This has been on my mind for quite some time and I don't know where to turn for support as family is not really an option and friends are few. I feel like my self worth is being sucked right out of me and I am drained. I do not want to feel like this anymore and I do want to start feeling good about myself again but I cannot do it in this house with my husband. I do not want to come off like I am depressed or anything, I just basically have had enough of the crap I have been dealing with.  I have alot on my mind and it seems like the world on my shoulders. I could use some real honest suggestions on what I can do to move on or feel better about myself. If there is anyone who is willing to share some insight that would be great. Thanks for reading.
I understand about your frustration and all but in my opinion, walking away will not resolve anything. This I believe, is a big problem in our society, people are unhappy for whatever reason and they think that running away from the situation is the answer but in all reality, you take yourslef with you and if you are unhappy then chances are you will continue to be unhappy for no one can give us the happiness and life that we so much desire for we, and only we can do that for ourselves. (Of course as a christian, I depend on the Lord for a lot of things), now, I am not saying to stay or to leave, that is completely up to you, but I believe that since it takes two to make a marriage, then it takes two to break a marriage and I think you need to sit down and evaluate your self and think about what part you play in this whole situation and figure out what you can do about it and then do it. A good counselor can help sort things out, it can help you to get to the bottom of the real issues and can help you to get answers and all, I think too, try communicating with your husband and maybe suggest marriage counseling and even if he refuses, you can still go, help your self and earn your way out of this marriage, do everything you possibly can to save your marriage and to help your self gain the happiness and life that you so much desire, then in the end, no matter the out come you can stand tall and say that you did everything in your power to do right and to make things work, You cannot change him but you can change yourself, is there anything that you need to change and to w ork on? I don't know what the issues are in your marriage, but if you want it to work, it is possible, it all depends on how hard you are willing to work to get what you want and need. Also, do you have a life outside of your marriage, if not, get one. What are your hobbies, interests and desires and goals? treat your self once in while and respect your self. I think sometimes,,we think it is the spouses job to make us happy, to provide the things that we need and want but that is not so, marriage does take two but we can only make our selves happy. You deserve to be happy and you and only you can decide on how you are going to do this. Do you think leaving would be the answer? Have you communicated with your husband? have you sought help? Dr. Phil has some great resources as well as there are other great authors out there, We all have stress and no marriage is perfect, my hubby and I just got into a big snit this morning which is actually unusual, but a part of me just wanted to walk away and call it quits cause the issue has been building and he for one has not done a whole to help resolve the issue, a part of me just wanted to say "fine, I am out of here" but what good would that have done? it would have been a whole lot worse. I realize that your situation is probably a lot worse then this but think before you act, communicate and seek out the help that you need to help come up with a solution, the right solution, don't do something that you might regret later. Yes, you deserve to be happy and there are ways to help you to feel better about your self, one of those ways is to think about what you like and want and figure out a plan, don't wait on your husband or any one for that matter to give you permission or whatever, go for it. Basically what I am saying here is think before you act, know what you want and have a plan, do your part in making things right and know that it is you and only you that can make you happy and it doesn't matter if you leave or not, you are the only one who can take the steps in making you the person that you desire to be...................
 
September 24, 2005, 8:15 pm CDT

about leaving your husband....

Quote From: jyakfour

I don't know how to go about this, but I am extremely frustrated right now and could use some cheering up and hope there is someone out there who can help. My problem is that I have been thinking of leaving my hubby. This has been on my mind for quite some time and I don't know where to turn for support as family is not really an option and friends are few. I feel like my self worth is being sucked right out of me and I am drained. I do not want to feel like this anymore and I do want to start feeling good about myself again but I cannot do it in this house with my husband. I do not want to come off like I am depressed or anything, I just basically have had enough of the crap I have been dealing with.  I have alot on my mind and it seems like the world on my shoulders. I could use some real honest suggestions on what I can do to move on or feel better about myself. If there is anyone who is willing to share some insight that would be great. Thanks for reading.

Well, I posted something on this already, but I don't think it went through so I will try to remember what I typed the first time lol. 

  

Honestly, what concerned me the most was when you said that you feel like your self worth is being sucked right out of you. This makes me wonder if you are being mentally or emotionally abused. I do not take that lightly at all. 

  

Marital therapy works well when both partners want to be there. I know this from experience. My husband and I went twice. The first time it worked great because we both wanted it, but the second time it didn't because my husband really didn't want to be there. It's a lot of hard work to make things work sometimes, but it is worth it in the end if you can. 

  

I would say that if he is being abusive and is not willing to change his ways then the best thing would probably be to part ways, but if I perceived the message wrong and he is not being abusive...then I say do whatever it takes to stay together and work things out. I believe strongly in commitment in marriage and to weathering the storms.  

  

I know that it is your decision and you will weigh it out carefully. I truly hope the best for you and hope I have helped in some small way...I will say a prayer for you.  

  

jamrod 

 
September 25, 2005, 1:27 pm CDT

to jamrod and jettav

thank you both for reading my frustration. I just want to let you know that I am not abused physically, maybe emotionally because of all the deceipt that he has given me. We have had family councelling and the funny thing is, that he tells the therapist everything that she wants to hear and then never follows through with any suggestions that she has given or even that I have given. He is extremely good at talking the talk, just not good at walking the walk, if you know what I mean. This has been something that I have had to deal with in the last 18 months at least. I have felt that I have done everything that I could to support and stand by him in the decisions he has made. I feel that I am at the end of my rope. I just thought that if I left then maybe he would realize what he has given up. You know, like that saying, Let them go and if they return they were meant to be, or something like that. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and the rock is poking me in the butt. Sorry, I don't mean to make light of this, but sometimes I have to make a little ha ha in order to keep going. I do keep trying to truck along and help him, but I feel that I have done all that I can do without losing my mind. I just want to throw in the towel but realize that it may be difficult because I do have children and I do not want their lives to be any more affected than they already have been.
 
September 26, 2005, 7:09 am CDT

you're welcome and good luck....

Quote From: jyakfour

thank you both for reading my frustration. I just want to let you know that I am not abused physically, maybe emotionally because of all the deceipt that he has given me. We have had family councelling and the funny thing is, that he tells the therapist everything that she wants to hear and then never follows through with any suggestions that she has given or even that I have given. He is extremely good at talking the talk, just not good at walking the walk, if you know what I mean. This has been something that I have had to deal with in the last 18 months at least. I have felt that I have done everything that I could to support and stand by him in the decisions he has made. I feel that I am at the end of my rope. I just thought that if I left then maybe he would realize what he has given up. You know, like that saying, Let them go and if they return they were meant to be, or something like that. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and the rock is poking me in the butt. Sorry, I don't mean to make light of this, but sometimes I have to make a little ha ha in order to keep going. I do keep trying to truck along and help him, but I feel that I have done all that I can do without losing my mind. I just want to throw in the towel but realize that it may be difficult because I do have children and I do not want their lives to be any more affected than they already have been.

I just wanted to say good luck and I hope it all works out for you and your family. I know the fact that you have children would make it a much harder decision. We all are constantly hearing the importance of keeping the family together, but I know that sometimes that's so much easier said than done.  

 

I do want to add one more thing before I go. When Doug and I had problems in our marriage(and it was bad there for awhile) I thought he would NEVER appreciate me and that he would ALWAYS be the same way about things, but I have to say I am so shocked at the changes in him. I feel like I am married to a new man. I guess my point is...sometimes it looks pretty grim, but you just never know.  Doug too was resistant to therapy at times and what actually changed him, I will never know. I just know that I have told so many people so many times that I am amazed that we have made it, but am so glad we did. 

 

Of course each situation is different and I am not saying that what happened with me is a for sure thing for you too...just something to think about. (((((((hugs to you)))))))))  

 

jamrod 

 

 
September 26, 2005, 8:55 pm CDT

Being a Good Friend

Quote From: jettav

I am saying that you need to keep trying to get her help until you find some one that will listen and help her, Too many times people say there is nothing they can do about an abused child but one can talk and keep looking for help for some one. Believe me, I know what it is like to see one abused and I certainly will not sit around and say there is nothing I can do. There has got to be somebody that can help get her out of that situation, she is 16 years old and gettting beat by a 25 year old idiot who is aloud to get by with it and he knows it and he WILL continue to do it. I have a cousin who was molested/raped by her biological father and she realized at the age of 12 that this wrong and she went to several people before any one listened to her and she is now 30 years old reaping the consequences, going to therapy trying to love herself and to get on with her life. And she hasn't even seen her no good father since she was 13 and he STILL has control of her. your friends life is in danger and any parent who allows this to go on in their home are lousy parents and they need help themselves. Maybe you can go to them and ask them to let her live some where else. If they truly and honestly care they will get help. I am tired of KIDS being abused and others standing by not doing everything they possibly can to help them, KEEP talking til some one listens or the girl is not going to be around to see her 21st birthday, believe me, I know, I have seen my bio mother abused. I was abused, I worked with a little girl who was beat by her mom's boyfriend and she was barely recognized in the hospital, KEEP trying til you get her help. Thre are people who care. They system sucks but there are people out there who would be kind enough to get her out of there, If nothing else, the guy is breaking the law for sleeping with a 16 year old girl and that is rape. I am sorry I have offended you but I hate abuse and this girl needs out of that home. and so what if she doesn't talk to you, you can still get some body in there to get her out of there. I didn't say it was easy but she deserves a chance to survive this idiot and no good of a manipulative punk who is getting away with CHILD abuse. Don't give up on getting help just because she isn't talking to you, this guy has complete control of this girl and with out help, she will never get out of there. I think I would still go to the school counselor even though she isn't in school, if they don't know the situation then they can't help, at least give it a try. I don't know if you go to church or not but a good pastor will know how to get help as well. I am basing my concerns and thought on the fact that you posted about a 16 year old getting abused by a25 year old and if I remember your first post correctly, the parents are aloowing this to happen in their home, You can think negative about me all you want, I really don't care, but I care about children getting abused and if everything that you said is accurate this child isn't going to live through this and if she does, her life will be destroyed, enotionally, physically and mentally, no chance of living a good productive life because no one was willing to go the extra mile. Have you ever read the book, "A Boy Called It"? The author just slipped my mind but it is about his life and he has more books as well. It's a good book, sad but good. Maybe you can even do a google search on getting one help, I don't know, but don't think you can't do something, you can even if it is just talking til some one listens.................................
Her parents DON'T know about the abuse, I talked to her the other day. They are not lousy parents, and like I said, I appreciate your comment.  I talked to her the other night, the first time she let me into a discussion about it. We talked pretty hard about it, she knows it's wrong, but the abuse is letting up a little bit, not like it means anything. I'm just a kid myself, I'm trying my best. There isn't any more I can say to you, since you "know it all". I'm sorry about what your friend, your mother and everybody had to go through, that's an evil thing. She's not going to give this guy up. Soon, I'm going to get a car and get some money together and beg her to go on a trip with me and open up her mind a little..get her out of there for a while so she can breathe again. I think that's a good thing to do.
 
September 26, 2005, 9:39 pm CDT

Being a Good Friend

Quote From: cecelia

Her parents DON'T know about the abuse, I talked to her the other day. They are not lousy parents, and like I said, I appreciate your comment.  I talked to her the other night, the first time she let me into a discussion about it. We talked pretty hard about it, she knows it's wrong, but the abuse is letting up a little bit, not like it means anything. I'm just a kid myself, I'm trying my best. There isn't any more I can say to you, since you "know it all". I'm sorry about what your friend, your mother and everybody had to go through, that's an evil thing. She's not going to give this guy up. Soon, I'm going to get a car and get some money together and beg her to go on a trip with me and open up her mind a little..get her out of there for a while so she can breathe again. I think that's a good thing to do.
First, I know that you are just a kid and that is why I keep saying there are people out there who do care but unfortunetly sometimes we just have to stay consistent in trying to help some one til some one actually listens and she is a kid as well and the schools have the responsibility to report abuse as well as any other adult that knows about it, and if her parents do not know about it then maybe it is time for some one to be brave and tell them so maybe they can get her the help that she needs.Second, I am not a know it all but I will tell you that I have been through hell on this earth, going through abuse myself and I know exactly where this person is coming from, chances are she will not step out for help becasue of the fear whether it be because of this idiot of a guy or the fear of the unknown, I have experienced the loniliness and stress that this child is probably feeeling and I know by experience that there are people who care and will do something to help, I have also worked with teen agers who have been abused and has lived with fear, some going through a heck of a lot worse then I could ever imagine. And it takes years of therapy and guidance to start feeling good about one self and getting the guts to face the world with out shame, I am 42 years old and though I do not have all the answers, I know how it feels to be degraded and abused but I was one of the lucky ones who eventually found some one to listen and who believed me and worked with me and I am now a survivor with a heart and desire to see others triumph over this evil thing called "abuse" but for some, it has to take others to be their voice. I honestly think you are doing the very best that you possibly can and I think you are a good friend to this person but as you said, you are just a kid your self and I am only here to encourage you to keep seeking that help for your friend for if you don't and if she doesn't then I gaurentee, it won't get any better. By the sounds of your message, it seems to me the first thing that needs to be done, is to inform her parents, afterall this is their kid..........Just want to point out as well that these are message boards and because we only see words and no emotion or don't even know the people on a personal basis, it is just too easy to offend or to get offended, believe me, I have been on both sides of this issue. I am sorry that I have offended you but once again, I have been there when it comes to abuse and I DO know what I am talking about. I have just been exposed to too much abuse in my life whether it involved me or others.
 
September 26, 2005, 9:46 pm CDT

Being a Good Friend

Quote From: cecelia

My best friend,at 16 years of age is dating a 25-year-old MAN. He is currently living with her, her mother, father, brother,and their animals. Her boyfriend is beating her very badly, SO bad, that when he chokes her, the blood vessels in her eyelids pop..I've seen them damaged constantly. Sometimes,she would have to tell her mom the bruise was too bad on her eye, so she would let her stay home from school. Her mother is letting this guy live in her house, even knowing about what happens. He has no job, but that's up to their family to decide whether that's okay or not. 

My friend hasn't been talking to me, and when she does it's just because her boyfriend is gone and shes bored. We used to be the best of friends, now she has been cut off from me completely.  

When I did see her rarely, she was totally oblivious to what I was saying, she doesn't care anymore..not to mention she's turned into an entirely different person. 

Her mother also lets her go out and get wasted on vodka with her boyfriend, I'm scared for her health..and her life. One of these days,this guy is going to get her pregnant and leave her, or kill her. I am in desperate need for some help! How do I help a friend who is detached from reality?? 

 

Did you not say in your last message that her parents DO NOT KNOW? which is it? They either know or they don't.......................................
 
September 26, 2005, 10:03 pm CDT

Being a Good Friend

Quote From: jettav

Did you not say in your last message that her parents DO NOT KNOW? which is it? They either know or they don't.......................................
If you truly want to help your friend then you have to be able to present that facts of what is really going on. Now, don't get all bent out of shape, I just finished responding to two of your messages and they are contradictory when it comes to her parents, like I said, they either know or they don't and if they do know, then they are guilty of allowing the abuse to go on and they need to be reported in the same way that this guy is and if you go to a responsible adult that you have confidence in, you may get help with this and if the parents do not know, they NEED and DESERVE to know but in all honesty, if their daughter and this guy is living with them and she is being as abused as you have presented her then "how can they not know"? As you said, you are a kid your self and if all this is true that you are saying about this girl, I am sorry for you that you have been pulled into this situation but don't be afraid to step up to the plate for your friend which you have already started doing just by coming to the message boards asking for help but the next step is to be honest and not get so offended by responses that you don't like for I personally am only worried about an abused victim as you have presented here and everything that I have stated in my posts is based on my experiences and those who I know on a personal basis, All I have to say at this point is to follow your heart in the situation and whatever you decide to do or not to do, just remember it is about your friend, not about you and it is her well being that may be at risk here, don't be afraid to go out on a limb to help her and if you can't help her be consistent in trying to find some one who can. And if you do find some one to help here, be honest and don't leave any details out and don't try to protect the guilty, present the facts as you know them don't be contradictiry in your info casue it could harm the process for your friend.
 
September 27, 2005, 11:35 am CDT

Cecelia,....

Quote From: jettav

If you truly want to help your friend then you have to be able to present that facts of what is really going on. Now, don't get all bent out of shape, I just finished responding to two of your messages and they are contradictory when it comes to her parents, like I said, they either know or they don't and if they do know, then they are guilty of allowing the abuse to go on and they need to be reported in the same way that this guy is and if you go to a responsible adult that you have confidence in, you may get help with this and if the parents do not know, they NEED and DESERVE to know but in all honesty, if their daughter and this guy is living with them and she is being as abused as you have presented her then "how can they not know"? As you said, you are a kid your self and if all this is true that you are saying about this girl, I am sorry for you that you have been pulled into this situation but don't be afraid to step up to the plate for your friend which you have already started doing just by coming to the message boards asking for help but the next step is to be honest and not get so offended by responses that you don't like for I personally am only worried about an abused victim as you have presented here and everything that I have stated in my posts is based on my experiences and those who I know on a personal basis, All I have to say at this point is to follow your heart in the situation and whatever you decide to do or not to do, just remember it is about your friend, not about you and it is her well being that may be at risk here, don't be afraid to go out on a limb to help her and if you can't help her be consistent in trying to find some one who can. And if you do find some one to help here, be honest and don't leave any details out and don't try to protect the guilty, present the facts as you know them don't be contradictiry in your info casue it could harm the process for your friend.

Hey Cecelia,  

  

I just wanted to say that I really agree with Jettav on this. I have read all of the messages and I know you were a bit insulted, but from where I am standing...I really see it that Jettav was abused and is simply trying to say everything possible to make sure that doesn't continue to happen with someone else. I believe that we are all three on the same page as far as abuse goes. You wrote in to ask for help, so that is the first step right there. It's clear you really care about your friend. I also can tell by the many things Jettav has written that she cares very deeply about this girl. I too care a lot about her.  I wasn't abused , but I have very,  very strong feelings about this issue. Once abuse starts...it doesn't end until someone steps in and does something about it. 

  

Good luck to you and I am so proud you posted. Remember...you can make a difference.  

  

jamrod 

 
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