Topic : Being a Good Friend

Hi there, 

You probably know by now by reading the tiltle that this message is about me having a fear of losing someone. I do acknowledge that i have this fear, which stems from a series of past relationships that didn't last long. But i don't know how to deal with it. I just had a panic attack and i am ovewhelmed. if anyone has any solution to my problem, i would highly appreciate it. I have this great friend whom i have known for quite a while now. We enjoy each others compay and really love to spend time with each other. we always learn or hear of something new everything we chat. We have great respect and really value our friendship. We have even helped change each other's lives for the better. The problem is now that i have a feeling we are drifting apart. We used to chat almost every day, now it's just once a week or nothing. I have tried to call, to email, to send a txt message, and everything else i can, to let him know that he is in my thoughts, just to keep this friendship. But i am not getting the response as i used to before from him. i feel like he is drifting apart from me. I understand that he is busy and has a lot of other things on his mind. But i stil have this nagging feeling. I haven't asked him or spoken to him about it yet. I think that would help face my fear. But is there anything else that could be done. For me to deal with this fear............ 

I really need some advice. I have a girl that I work with and we talk only at work. Her daughter in law works with us also, her and I are best friends we talk at work and at home on the phone. I will call the first girl I mentioned Sally. Sally , whenever I met her she was really nice and polite. She started working with me whenever her daughter in law left for maternity leave. Things started to change. She doesn't drive and I would pick her up everyday for work.  Well her daughter is only 16 and she just started dating and everyday Sally talks about everything she does and says to her little boyfriend and it wouldn't be so bad but she will not shut up. Every conversation that comes out of her mouth is about her daughter and her boyfriend. Well her daughter was dating this little boy and he kept dumping her and getting back with her, she would ask my opinion and whenever I would tell her that her daughter needs to move on she would get mad and smart off. But she asked for my opinion. Now that her daughter in law is back at work she has gotten 10 x's worse. She acts like a total butt. She won't help us on the job and she sneaks off and pretends that she is doing stuff and she isn't doing anything, I know this for a fact because her daughter in law and I have caught her. Whenever she does stuff she tries to find the easiest stuff to do. Let me make a point she has not worked in 24 years and she just now started working.She constantly repeats her stories and it is not from alzheimers it's from obsession. She is so obsessed with her daughter that when her daughter's new boyfriend came over for dinner one Sunday she followed them into the living room to watch a movie with them. Whatever room her daughter and him were in she followed them and what ever they talked about she was right there in their conversation.When her daughter talks on the phone she runs over and sits right on top of her and listens to there whole conversation.  Then whenever she get's off of the phone she asks her a billion questions. I am not EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!! It is so stupid. She is 44 yrs. old and acts like she's 13. I am serious. She has been with her husband for 26 yrs. and she has left him 4 x's in the past 5 months. Every single time, she runs to her mom's and talks about him like he is a dog. Every single time it is alway's his fault, that is what she says. She complains about him all of the time. She'll say stuff like "When Chad dies things are going to change around my house."  She tells me everything about her life and it is non stop for 8 hrs. a day 5 days a week. NO JOKE!!!! Now her daughter has a new boyfriend and the old one is a pile of crap now according to her. She tried to get his mother a job were I work and I told her that she doesn't need to do that . What would happen if her daughter and boyfriend broke up AGAIN, there she would be working whit his mom. Then, the little boy's mom was so wonderful, SHE IS A GOOD WOMAN, now SHE IS CRAZY, SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HER SON. ALL SHE DOES IS LAY AROUND DRUNK.Every single time the boy would break up with her daughter she would call his mom and tell her to talk to him, that her daughter is heart broken. When she called the last time the mother hung up on her. Ever since then , they are the biggest losers ever.Before he was the best thing that ever happened to her daughter. She got really mad at me when she told me that her daughter and her new boyfriend was talking about what they were going to do when they graduated from high school and the new boyfriend wants to join the Air Force, but she said that her daughter doesn't want him to go. She said that he doesn't need to go and that "when they send him over seas that he'll get killed and that her daughter doesn't need that in her life wondering and waiting." She told her daughter that she should talk him out of going!!!! Let me also remind you they have only dated for 2 wks. She then mentions that her daughter said that they might get married and she could go with him, then. I told her that she doesn't need to tell her daughter that she needs to talk him out of going into the armed forces that he could get a really good education and job and that  is really important in his life.That would probably be the best thing he could ever do, especially if he is interested in that. I told her that if her daughter talks him out of doing something like that he would end up hating her.That you should never tell someone you really care about that you don't want them to do something just because you would miss them, and because you don't want them to go, I told her that she is being a little selfish. She got so mad and said but he'll die over there. I just can't get anything across to her. She needs to get a grip. She lets her daughter go up to her new boyfriends house everyday, EVERYDAY. Her husband has no say so, if he trys to tell their daughter to stay at home that she doesn't need to be up there everyday she cusses him out and then I hear about it at work everyday. She is now trying to get her daughters new boyfriend's mom a job were we work. How do I get it across to her that I DON'T CARE, I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is driving me crazy. I have gotten to the point were I don't like her and I dread seeing her at work everyday. PLEASE HELP ME OUT. How do I tell her that I don't want to hear about her daughter and her boyfriend the old boyfriend and the problems with her husband. She gets so jealous of me and her daughter in law whenever we talk and go out to eat and shop, she will not even speak to us. On the way to work she want speak to either of us. She use to tell her daughter in law stuff and son like she is doing me her son finally told her to shutup. It is not only me that she tells it is others too, like my boss and other employees. She does it worse now to me because noone else will talk to her that much. I don't want to be rude but how do I tell her in a nice way to shut up??????????  

Oh my goodness this sounds like torture!!! I can imagine that this must be driving you insane!!! My first advice is focused towards you: as soon as you leave your job, you've got to leave this annoying woman and her stupid stories there, also. Yes, Its definatly difficult to just shut her off and out of your mind, but for your sanity's sake, you've got to learn how to do that. My advice is that as soon as a thought about her pops into your mind, consciously tell yourself "don't go there, don't go there.." and remind yourself to think of something pleasant. Its a type of brainwashing that we can do on ourselves, and although it might sound silly, it really does work. (I know because I worked with someone so similar to this co-worker of yours!!)  

When "Sally" goes on and on at work, have you tried changing the subject? What you could try is this, either read the newspaper or listen to the top news stories of the day, pick one of the headlines/major stories, and bring it up or work it into your conversation. Even if its an awkward, quick change of subject, its better than allowing her to just keep talking and talking... and, don't forget, doing something to try to shut her up is better than doing nothing. By doing nothing, you are allowing her to make you her victim. By not taking action, its almost like handing your personal power over to her and saying, "here ya go, here is permission to annoy the crap out of me!" And I'm sure that is not the message that you want to convey to her, right?  

Another idea, besides picking a topic or a headline to talk about to change the subject, you could try leaving the area. This wouldn't work if you were in a car, but otherwise, you should try that.  

This woman has obvious issues. I can't believe that your boss hasn't done anything about her lack of work and her excessive talking... does your boss get annoyed by her, also?  

You said that you don't want to be rude, but here is a different way to think about it: she is the one being rude to you.  

The next time she goes on and on about her daughter, you can sternly say to her, "I have strong feelings about teens being unsupervised alone, and I prefer to talk about something else with you.." See what she does!! You don't have to say this in a 'rude' manner, you can state it as a matter of fact-- you've already tried giving her your thoughts but she doesn't really want them. She just wants to talk about herself and her daughter all the time. I think she sounds like she is desperatly trying to live through her child. I feel badly for the daughter, she is being denied proper parenting that she deserves!! I think it is so sick that the mother wants the daughter to talk the boyfriend out of going into the military... oh my gosh! Weird.  

If you have an update, please post here, I'd love to know how it goes when you try to change the subject. Also, if she changes the subject right back to herself and her child, just go on and change the subject again. So have a few extra topics in your "topic bag" LOL. Best wishes!!!!!!! 

I will update you! You are exactly right. She is driving us all crazy!!!! Even the boss! I will do exactly what you say. You don't know how much this will help.Thanks. 

Go for it, kick him out!! So what if you look like the "bad guy"... someone has to do it, and you can't allow what he might think of you to keep you living in a situation that could, eventually, end your marriage!! This lazy kid is taking advantage of both of you for one reason: because he can. If and when you do kick him out, it won't even matter-- he will either go home or find another friend to mooch off of. Its not like you will be destroying his life... however, if he keeps staying with you, he might destroy your life. That is my perspective on this situation. You are right, he is a lazy 19 year old... and no, not all men go through this phase, and thats because not all of them are given the opportunity to!  

I urge you to save yourself. It would be easy to say that you don't want to look like the bad guy, however, at some point in life most husbands hide behind their wives, and most wives hide behind their husbands... atleast once in a married life. Go ahead and give your husband this "out" by being the one to tell him to go.  

I have another suggestion. It sounds like your husband is a nice man, but some people might take his kindness for weakness. (like in this situation!) I suggest that you read dr phil's book, "relationship rescue," to help strengthen your communication with each other, it can make your marriage much stronger in the long run. I wish you the best! 

You both need to sit this "friend" down and let him know that he is outta here in two weeks.  And you both care for him but you can't be his parent.  Sorry but you have to take care of your own family right now.  He needs to be told by you and your soon to be hubby, so he understands that this is REALITY and not your boyfriend talking out of his a$$.  And in a week, ask him what his plan about moving.  And keep on him (in a nice manner) about his plans.   Show you b\f these message, so he understands that you have a marriage to build soon.  Not a day care!