Topic : Being a Good Friend

 I can relate and understand to alot of what you are saying at least in the past tense. Things in my past definitely are comparable.  I can also tell you that if I did not have a friend who allowed me to feel, and be everything at the time, well, I could have not have reached this ponit. I would never have been able to make strong choices. She was not a lesbian, but it was implyed enough  and I can tell you we both stated to each other a lot if only you were the right sex for me.     It would be perfect. Anyway,  I was prepared to leave Then I read this book called Verbally abusive relationship and decided I was shortchanging myself in my relationship. What can be worse than living in such pain emotionally that you think the next person who can give you thirty seconds of passion can be a solution .I do know that, I would have not been whole had I made a choice to only live for what I thought would make me happy at the time. I also know my relationship of close to 25 years could not have been this good. I am not saying it is perfect my thoughts are definitely more realistic. but I can say I am almost certain that making a sexual act more important than life as a whole will not give you what you are looking for. I hope this helps you In some manner. I really do believe that if you have not move on this it more about the emotion returns that your husband is not giving you.  

I have a very dear friend that for lack of better words has recently fell off of the deep end.  Which in itself is hard to say about someone that I hold so close to my heart.  Our families and children are as close and closer that some relatives; so this situation has hit our family very hard.  And although I feel in my heart that I am doing the right thing it is hard to really know.  So I am here hoping for resolution to my internal battle.  I will try to make this as short as possible.  Over the last year I have watched as my friends marriage has endured alot of ups and downs; most recently there was a mutual domestic situation, of which my daughter was witness to, this was in fact the last time that I talked to my friend when she came and picked up her kids from my house after this situation.  She packed up the kids and all of her stuff and went to a shelter.  In the meantime our husbands are best of friends as well her husband turns to us for support and advice we do what we can to guide him in the right direction for his family.  After about a week she returns home but doesn't want to have anything to do with any of their friends us and our children as well.  We respect this for thier family and give them the oppurtunity to take care of thier issues.  Again after about 2 weeks she picks up and leaves again without a word.  We again are there for the husband to try and figure out what has happened and at least find out if they are okay.  They are again at a shelter, which is completely unneccesary because the husband would have moved out of the home so that the kids could have that stability, but apparently that would not have been traggic enough for her.  The following week after this leave, we do find out that she has taken all of the money from their business, every account is overdrawn, even his most recent paycheck; all of this and she is staying a shelter.  I understand that this would be acceptable in a seriously abusive situation, but we have been so much a part of eachothers lives that this was not the situation.  So we hear nothing for a few weeks other than we are all horrible people to the point that we do not deserve the dirt that we are walking on, and she wants out of the marriage and wants nothing to do with anyone.  She has not let the husband talk to the kids since the first of March of course my children have not seen or heard from them since the first situation in February.  Well once we found out the money situation I was asked if I would help get his books and financial stuff back in order as well as keep him on track as to doing the right thing for the kids.  My husband and I agree that this is something that we can do.  She is of course extremely upset and is making it out the be everything that it is not, which breaks my heart everytime she attacks.  She knows that she left the business days from loosing the licenses need to continue and that I was the only one in thier lives that could fix it.  And that if I was not doing what I am doing that her husband would n'ot have the money to help take care of her and the kids.  All of this time I am giving my best Dr. Phil advice in doing what is right by the kids, they are my motivation, they don't deserve this.  I miss my friend and I understand that things just got out of control for her and she couldn't handle the pressure of a business, a family and a demading husband.  Knowing her the way that I do, she is very self critical in that her self dissappointment is always greater than that of others.  She couldn't face that.  So my dilema:  Am I really being the friend that I think I am by helping the husband "clean up the mess" (as I call it) so that he has the funds to get them out of the shelter and into a home and anything else they need???  To this point is all technicallity, I truly miss my firend and need to know that she is okay and I need to be able to tell my kids that their friends are getting what they need to be okay.  Right now she sees me as the enemy at some point will she see where my heart truly lies??

Desperatly seeking some peace.  april

I have been good friends with J.  She has been through SO much the last fews years, a bad divorce, stalker ex husband, bad custody battle (which she LOST, wonder why) and recently her Mom passed away.  Well I too went through a bad divorce but I handled it so different.  I think it made me more independent, while it made her Dependant on others, so to speak. She has been living with her Grandmother in a trailer, not giving her a dime (she makes over 50k a year!).  She only sees her kid on the weekends, but always sneaks out to go party the town up when he goes to bed.  Anyhow..... She meet some guy that she really liked.  she would tell me all this nice stuff about him but he seemed very shady and hiding something.  He was only around once in awhile, he would have his cousin call her if he couldn't make it somewhere, no car, she would pay for their dates, he works construction, she was almost going to finance him a car but decided not to (thank god).  Well needless to day after a few months of being his "booty call" (she thinks it was a relationship, even though he told her from the beginning that he did not want a girlfriend), she found out he was dating someone else and she was knocked up.  (WOW what a shocker!).  Well I was there for her, she cried on my shoulder, he used her for sex and for her money.   Well sure enough, his cousin was SO kind to be there for her during this time of need.  Such a good friend he became and so enough she was sleeping with him and helping him.  Saying how even though they are related, even work together, that he is SO different than his cousin (the one that was cheating on her).  So she fell for it again but with the cousin.  I warned her over and over again, seeing the pattern in his behavior.  she would pay, she would drive him around, added him to her cell phone and was there at his beck and call (he lives with the other cousin) .  She would tell me how great he was.  WELL of course just this week, she found out that he was cheating on her too!  He told her that he didn't cheat because he told her he didn't want a girlfriend from the beginning.  Well in the mist of all of this mess, her mom passed away and she doesn't have much family.  I was there for her every step.  Picked out the flowers with her, helped her pay, helped her with the program, pictures, so forth.  Being a good friend.  Well now she is best buddies with the two cousins sister now.  WHO happens to live in the same apartment as them.  So she complains to me that she runs into them and they girlfriends and so on.  I told her maybe she not hang out there, since she just found out about the new guy was cheating on her last week.  BUT she insists that the sister is so helpful.  Who mind you, doesn't have a job, no car, lives with the family, married but has a boyfriend and has 4 kids that she doesn't take care of.   Bottom line, I am DONE with the drama.  I get emails, calls and complaints all the time about these people but she puts herself in that position all the time.  They all use her, she drives them around and helps them out, because NOW the sister is such a good friend.  (yeah good friend that never once told her that her brother was cheating on her !).  I have been there for her through it all over the years.  And I feel like I am the "old" friend, the good friend, the back up friend.  NONE of these people even came to the service for her mother.  They all called and said something came up.  My friend calls me up once a week or so to come over and hang out when she is down or lonely but come to find out it's only when this other girl (the sister of the two losers) is not home.  AM I being a bad friend by declining this now?  I feel like I have been there for her but I can't take the complaining anymore. 

You are being worn down by her complaining- it seems like you are more worried than she is- that proves to you how little she cares about her own life! You care more than she does! At this point, it has to be too painfull for you to stand by and watch her ruin her own life, and I wouldn't be able to tolerate it anymore, either, if I were you. You tried your best, but she isn't interested in making a better life- she is interested in creating more drama because she lives in the role of the "victim." If she does something to better herself, than she won't be in this comfortable victim role, and she wouldn't know what to do with herself because she is so used to being like this. She doesn't know how to, nor does she want to know how to, create harmony and happiness. You don't need this constant drain on your energy. You were a good friend, but there comes a time when you need to just give up because she doesn't want resolution, she wants the drama. I wish you well! 

I'm not sure I agree with the statement above.  I'm having a problem with a friend, which is what brought me here.  It seems that she always wants me to be there when she needs me, but she doesn't reciprocate.  

She is currently pregnant and she is upset with me because I'm not helping her.  She knows that I have had some serious medical tests done recently and she hasn't even bothered to ask how I am doing or what I found out.  It's almost like she thinks it's all about her.  

We recently had a falling out because she called me to have a beer with her for St. Patrick's Day.  I don't believe that pregnant women should be drinking at all, so I sent her some information about fetal alcohol syndrome, in case she didn't know how serious it is.  She took offense to it and denies ever having asked (I have her voice mail message, so I know I wasn't imagining it).  What followed were nasty e-mails telling me that I'm insane and am being a bad friend.  I told her I did not appreciate her sending nasty e-mails to me at work, where someone could be monitoring them for inapproriate words such as the ones she used.  I told her I felt like she could have put my job in jeopardy.  She said, "I NEVER put your job in jeopardy and have nothing to apologize about."  She also said "I wanted to put all this behind us so we could move on and you could support me, but I see that you do not care enough to do that."  

Where is my support?  She's pregnant and makes it out to be suffering and tormoil instead of the joyous time it is supposed to be.  I am facing a potentially life threatening illness and have to start a couple of years of medicinal therapy.  I feel that you have to be a friend to have a friend.  It became painfully obvious to me that she wants me to be her friend, but she's not interested in being mine.  I told her that I disgree about this being "a silly mess", as she called it.  Now she won't leave me alone.  All this leaves me wondering...what the heck kind of person am I really dealing with here?  

Thanks for the comments. She is the type of person that brings down the room when she comes in, because she complains the moment she steps in.  I don't have any more energy for that anymore.  It's one thing to be a good friend but it's another to not have it the other way around.   

Thanks again. 

  I believe that  a good friend will always be there for you, no matter what it is. I have a best friend which we have been friends since we were 7 years old. I have been there for her I don't know how many times, and she has been there for me as well. We can tell each other anything, whether it's good or bad. We have the perfect friendship I think. I'm not saying we don't fight but believe me we  have the best friendship anyone could ever ask for. Everywhere we go people think we are twins and if not that then they think we are sisters. We do anything and everything together. We think of each other more like sisters than friends. I could read her like a book to someone and she can do the same on me. A true friend is someone you can trust in, a person you can see yourself in, a person who is beautiful not only on the outside but on the inside as well. If you knew my best friend you would really know what a true friend is.    

  I wish Dr. Phil would have a show on what really is a true friend. Let all of us who think and believe we have true friends bring them on the show just so everyone out there who isn't all the best of a friend see how true friends are. I think everyone needs a true friend. With out mine I really would be lost.