Topic : Being a Good Friend

I watched my friends 2 sons while she went to a taping for Dr Phil Show recently and have been off work due to a surgery and was offered some money to do this for her. But since she has returned the check  for babysitting from Dr Phil Show is still not here. Surprise surprise!! I keep getting told everyone is playing phone tag with each other and  I really needed this money but I just keep getting the run around. My friend and I used to talk and see each other everyday but for the last few weeks she has blown me off... I'm pissed off by this point and don't know which way to turn... any suggestions?

If you weren’t offered money to watch your friend’s children, would you have watched them anyway? It is understandable that you are pissed because you were offered the money and now you are counting on it, however, what will you do if the money never appears? Will you end the friendship? Your friend might be worried/concerned that you are going to hate her for not coming through with the money. My advice to you is this- if you want to keep this friendship, then you need to call your friend, (if she doesn’t answer, then leave this as a message) say to her, “I really want to talk to you, I want you to know that if you can’t come through with the money, I understand; I know that sometimes these things just happen. Please know that I still love you dearly as a friend, and I really want you to call me back.” This way you can at least put an end to this money situation. You will have to accept that you will probably never see the money, but consider it a lesson learned- if you are going to do something for a friend, have it be a favor that they can pay back with favors to you, not money.

My closest friend is engaged. I want to be the best friend I can for her but can't be happy about this marriage. She and her "fiance" have been dating for 3 years. In this 3 years he has cheated on her at least 5 times. Maybe more.  The last time in 02/2008 when he flew his girlfriend from FL (whom he has been seeing for the past 9 years but told my friend that he had broken up with) to MO where he was temporarily working to celebrate his birthday. My friend found out when she has a "suspicion" and checked his airline account and discovered that he had bought the airline ticket.  This is not the only woman he has cheated on her with.  He asked her to marry him a couple of weeks ago and she said yes!!!!  When she told me I was in shock!!!  She is smarter than this. I can't figure out why she is doing this.  I want so badly to tell her to run for the hills, forget she ever knew him. He has treated her so horribly what makes her think he has suddenly changed....   She is so embarrassed/ashamed/reluctant for anyone to know that she has told no one other than me that they are engaged and wears the engagement ring on her right hand.

The only thing I said to her was "Make absolutely sure this is what you want before you make it final."  I don't want to hurt her by saying what I really feel which isn't very nice. On the other hand if I say nothing and she marries the creep I'll feel equally bad. 

Help! Adivce?

Well first I do not like liars.  I don't understand how it is so hard to just tell the truth.  I mean I know people don't tell the truth on EVERYTHING but to just make up lies is crazy! 

The car wreck thing, maybe she is just having a very hard time dealing with this.  I have a aunt that lost her son, his wife, and her grandson that was only 6 months in a car wreck.  She has never been the same.  Sometimes people that go through something so traumatic that they change and nobody will ever understand them.  My aunt will never be the same.  She also lost her dad about two months before this plus a nephew that she was extremely close with about the same time.  It all happened within a 4 month period.  We will never know why people do things that they do when they experience something like this.  Is this woman seeing someone?  Does her husband know what she is doing and how does he deal with this?

The whole thing with the cancer.  Well maybe she wants something bad to happen to her that will cause her to die.  Some people can't deal with a loss of so extreme.  Maybe she just don't want to live and in her mind that is her way of dealing with things.  I know it sounds crazy but we will never understand.  Even people that have been through the same thing may not understand her because we all deal with grief the same way.  I hope that this will maybe help in some way.  I hope she gets to feeling better and stops with the lies.  Hope all goes well with you and hopefully you can find it in yourself to just listen to her lies and maybe you can help her one day. 

Hi,

it is really hard not to hurt your friend if you really want to help her. Ask yourself what would be worse: lying to her and let her hurt herself or by him? Or tell the truth in a tactical manner by expressing what you feel and why! Argumentation is essential in these matters. You can't just go around and say: hey I think the man you are getting married to is a jerk! She would feel as if you attacked her. But sitting down with her and telling her that you have to get something of your chest is in my opinion the best thing to do. You can't change the truth of this problem and how you feel about it. But you can express the truth (that's the thing about the truth, wether you say it or not: it still is!).

Good luck with this. I understand it is not easy to do, but if she is a true friend and you only want to keep her from harm, just say so then. She will understand. But is she chooses not to do something with what you say, then it is her choice...

Hey.

I noticed your ad in the message board? Do you believe that a good friend will be found in this manner?

How do you see a true friend? Do you seek someone to spend your life with? Do you seek new contacts (just place a message an wait what happens?) Or do you need someone to talk to?

A friend is not the same as a mate to me... I learned what it means to have and be a friend. I dont have many, but the ones I have I can rely on and they on me.

My mail is with this message if you care to talk about.... well anything actually:P

A very good friend of mine had gotten herself into what I would classify as a "long distance abusive relationship". 

She has recently re-connected with a long lost flame and has started talking to him via the internet.  They are both from Iran, she moved to Canada when she was 15,  before that they had never even so much as held hands.  He apparently had many girlfriends that he did pretty much everything with,  but everyone, even he said that he never tried anything like that with her because she was different, special. They kept in contact for a while and then he broke it off. 

Just a few months ago she found him on line and has been smitten ever since, convinced that this guy is her destiny.  He claims to love her, but has absolutely no problem hurting her at will.  She basically has to beg him to talk to her or get his best friend to badger him into it.  It's bordering on pathetic.  She knows that he treats her badly, but she just takes whatever lame excuse he comes up with and continues to "love" him.  Those of us who care about her need help convincing her that she is better than this, better than him!

She knows that she should run but can't seem to get away.  No matter what this guy does she just rolls over and takes it.  There is nothing that she won't forgive!  She says that he has always been hot tempered and just need s to calm down.  And that if they were physically together she would know how to calm him down.

I'm just about at my wit's end watching her cry over this jerk, and I have told her that if I ever see this guy in person that I will hand him a beating he'll never forget for two reasons: 1.  You don't treat women that way.  2.  You don't treat my friends that way!

I, and even she is convinced that it's not her that he's in love with, it the memory of that 15 year old girl that he never got to be with.  Because once real life intrudes on his fantasy he get's angry and they don't talk for a week, and I'm left to pick up the pieces.

Please help!