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Topic : Betrayal

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:19:05 am
Author : dataimport
What do you do when a trusted friend stabs you in the back? Give them a chance to explain? Or end the friendship?
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ritehere
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October 19, 2005, 2:51 pm PDT

Is this new behavior?

Quote From: jeannieskn

I had a friend for 6 years.  I have two children and so does she.  Our two oldest are in the same grade and our two youngest are in the same grade as well.  Just before summer this year I confronted her on some issues that had been bothering me.  She would discipline my children for things she wouldn't discipline her own children for.  She doesn't even discipline her children (ie: time out or in their room) yet she would time out "my" children in my home, in front of me! Her youngest son would get in my children's faces yelling and trying to hit them and "my friend" would do nothing to stop him. So I asked her to stop disciplining my children and to discipline her own when they are behaving badly. Keep in mind, at the same time I let her know she is still my best friend and I care deeply for her, I just wanted to be honest and have no more hard feelings.  Well that ended our friendship.  She said I was disrespectful for saying this to her.  What was so wrong with my being honest with my "friend" of 6 years?..........
Has your friend always been so free with advice and discipline regarding YOUR children, but not her own? If she's always been like this, I would wonder why you put up with it for so long. If it's new behavior, then there might be something wrong that she is taking out on you and your kids.

Same goes for her kids, have they always been in your kids faces, hitting and yelling? If this is all new, something might be up at home.
 
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jeannieskn
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October 20, 2005, 7:40 am PDT

Betrayal

Quote From: ritehere

Has your friend always been so free with advice and discipline regarding YOUR children, but not her own? If she's always been like this, I would wonder why you put up with it for so long. If it's new behavior, then there might be something wrong that she is taking out on you and your kids.

Same goes for her kids, have they always been in your kids faces, hitting and yelling? If this is all new, something might be up at home.
In the beggining, my friend seemed helpful and almost like a big sister.  She came into my life when I was separating with my husband.  She was soooo helpful and almost too good to be true.  By the time I became uncomfortable with her actions, regarding my children I didn't know how to confront the issue.  My friend does not deal with conflict "at all".  I knew if I said anything she would no longer be my friend.  I finally said something and that is exactly what happened. I am very hurt, I really feel that you should be able to be honest with a true friend and she just wouln't allow me to be honest with her.  I don't even want to make an effort to make new friends because I am tired of people that want to live a fantasy.  I want to hear the truth, even if I don't like it, most people don't want truth.  How can you have a friendship with no trust?
 
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ritehere
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October 20, 2005, 8:00 am PDT

You can't.

Quote From: jeannieskn

In the beggining, my friend seemed helpful and almost like a big sister.  She came into my life when I was separating with my husband.  She was soooo helpful and almost too good to be true.  By the time I became uncomfortable with her actions, regarding my children I didn't know how to confront the issue.  My friend does not deal with conflict "at all".  I knew if I said anything she would no longer be my friend.  I finally said something and that is exactly what happened. I am very hurt, I really feel that you should be able to be honest with a true friend and she just wouln't allow me to be honest with her.  I don't even want to make an effort to make new friends because I am tired of people that want to live a fantasy.  I want to hear the truth, even if I don't like it, most people don't want truth.  How can you have a friendship with no trust?
 It's difficult to answer this, since I'm not there to see how she operates. One clue though, is the fact that she came into your life when you were vulnerable. She was very helpful at first, but after awhile you began to feel uncomfortable.

Some people feel a need to be in control of somebody else because they have no control in their own lives. (I'm guessing here, because she does NOT control HER kids.) Often times these people will "latch" onto vulnerable people for just that reason, it's easier to get the upper hand that way.

Realize that she probably doesn't even consciousely  know she is doing this. It's a behavior trait that is ingrained for whatever reason she needed it at one time in her life. However, knowing this does not make it OK for her to rule your life. This is often how abusive relationships between men and women start too. Send her packing unless she is willing to change her controlling ways.

This may not be the truth of the matter, it's only a guess from what you have written.
 
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jeannieskn
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October 21, 2005, 6:37 am PDT

It all comes together

Quote From: ritehere

 It's difficult to answer this, since I'm not there to see how she operates. One clue though, is the fact that she came into your life when you were vulnerable. She was very helpful at first, but after awhile you began to feel uncomfortable.

Some people feel a need to be in control of somebody else because they have no control in their own lives. (I'm guessing here, because she does NOT control HER kids.) Often times these people will "latch" onto vulnerable people for just that reason, it's easier to get the upper hand that way.

Realize that she probably doesn't even consciousely  know she is doing this. It's a behavior trait that is ingrained for whatever reason she needed it at one time in her life. However, knowing this does not make it OK for her to rule your life. This is often how abusive relationships between men and women start too. Send her packing unless she is willing to change her controlling ways.

This may not be the truth of the matter, it's only a guess from what you have written.
Thank-you so much.  This is the first time since this happened, that the situation has made sense to me.  I feel relieved because I was starting to doubt that I did the right thing.  What you said IS exactly right. It is a control issue.  Do you know that If I even attempted to talk to other ladies, she would be so angry with me or talk trash about the person I was talking to. I had to be just her friend and she had to be the best at everything (ie: mom, friend, money, cook etc.......)  Hearing you say it so plainly that she needed to control me because she has no control in her life is bang on! I think it wouldn't have mattered what I had said to her because eventually she would have found some reason to be angry with me.  She wanted me to be perfect and that is just not possible.  It is sad that it took 6 yrs to figure it out at my childrens expense.
 
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healthy1

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October 22, 2005, 10:03 am PDT

I am the betrayer.

I have never used a message board before, but here goes. I guess I am not sure where to start, except to say that I have lost all of my friends, at least lost people who I "thought" were my friends. It was my own fault and made some very stupid decisions. I guess what I did was too big for my friends to forgive me. 

 In a nutshell, I had an affair, and in that process, lied or disclosed the truth, which is the same thing only in a different form and now they have all turned their back in disgust. I am not sure what to do. My husband and I are working things out. Marital counseling is expensive and the therapists in our town are your basic "tell me what your thinking" type. I guess I haven't seen a lot of good results with marital therapists and are down on them at the moment.  

Anyway, I guess I am at a loss. My reputation is shot, due to my own actions. I do not have any support, except maybe my sister, but our family has never learned to communicate. I am not out 

of hope, but just need some guidance. Not sure how to make new friends...too paranoid they all think or know what I did and wouldn't want to be my friend.... anyway, I know I am not the only person who has had an affair, I just am feeling so lost right now. I have betrayed many.  
 
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hollz83
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October 24, 2005, 1:02 pm PDT

Betrayal

Quote From: ritehere

 You don't say how long your best friend and her ex-boyfriend have been split up, or who broke up with who. If it hasn't been that long since they split, and if it was the guy that initiated the break-up, your best friend may still have hurt feelings. She may also think you had something to do with it.

If it has been 6 months or more, you did not betray her in the least and she needs to move on.
it has been THREE years since they broke up, he ended it as she became very clingly!
 
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paprika81
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October 24, 2005, 11:55 pm PDT

what on earth can be more precious then friendship&?

What on Earth can be more precious then friendship?
 
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fritangela
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October 26, 2005, 1:29 pm PDT

Betrayal

Quote From: paprika81

What on Earth can be more precious then friendship?

BABIES!!! 
 
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fritangela
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October 26, 2005, 1:44 pm PDT

Betrayal

Quote From: healthy1

I have never used a message board before, but here goes. I guess I am not sure where to start, except to say that I have lost all of my friends, at least lost people who I "thought" were my friends. It was my own fault and made some very stupid decisions. I guess what I did was too big for my friends to forgive me. 

 In a nutshell, I had an affair, and in that process, lied or disclosed the truth, which is the same thing only in a different form and now they have all turned their back in disgust. I am not sure what to do. My husband and I are working things out. Marital counseling is expensive and the therapists in our town are your basic "tell me what your thinking" type. I guess I haven't seen a lot of good results with marital therapists and are down on them at the moment.  

Anyway, I guess I am at a loss. My reputation is shot, due to my own actions. I do not have any support, except maybe my sister, but our family has never learned to communicate. I am not out 

of hope, but just need some guidance. Not sure how to make new friends...too paranoid they all think or know what I did and wouldn't want to be my friend.... anyway, I know I am not the only person who has had an affair, I just am feeling so lost right now. I have betrayed many.  

You know people say "You cheat once, You cheat again".And people hate cheaters.Its nice that your husband wants to work things out,but to a lot of people it wont be the best thing.You will always feel guilty,and your husband won't gain all his trust that he had for you before.Yes, there's therpist,couseling,and everything else.But you also always hear, Friends come and go",But your family will always be there. I know its really hurtful that you lost your friends,But a lot of people lose their friends too. 

I was best friends with a girl named Heather.we did everything together,camping,skiing,disneyworld.(etc)Her family was my family,and mine was hers.But when i got pregnant @ 17 i was afriad to tell her because, iwas this little innocent girl,that never did anything wrong.So everytime i was around her,i felt weird,and i started acting different.She knew something was wrong,But she ignored it.I started ignoring her,and being more into my boyfriend.I sotopped talking to her,and nobody knew why.I missed everything that we did together.And i still do to this day.I lost her over something very stupid.And it was my fault.But i didnt want her to have a different feeling about me. So just move on,maybe meet some new friends.But with your husband.Its up to you on what you want to do.But it wont ever be as good as it use to be. 
 
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jeannieskn
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October 26, 2005, 5:56 pm PDT

I disagree

Quote From: fritangela

You know people say "You cheat once, You cheat again".And people hate cheaters.Its nice that your husband wants to work things out,but to a lot of people it wont be the best thing.You will always feel guilty,and your husband won't gain all his trust that he had for you before.Yes, there's therpist,couseling,and everything else.But you also always hear, Friends come and go",But your family will always be there. I know its really hurtful that you lost your friends,But a lot of people lose their friends too. 

I was best friends with a girl named Heather.we did everything together,camping,skiing,disneyworld.(etc)Her family was my family,and mine was hers.But when i got pregnant @ 17 i was afriad to tell her because, iwas this little innocent girl,that never did anything wrong.So everytime i was around her,i felt weird,and i started acting different.She knew something was wrong,But she ignored it.I started ignoring her,and being more into my boyfriend.I sotopped talking to her,and nobody knew why.I missed everything that we did together.And i still do to this day.I lost her over something very stupid.And it was my fault.But i didnt want her to have a different feeling about me. So just move on,maybe meet some new friends.But with your husband.Its up to you on what you want to do.But it wont ever be as good as it use to be. 

 I know of some couples that have had marital problems and one of them have cheated and their marriages are wonderful now. I am not saying cheating made their relationships better, but it is a real eye opener that their are problems and lets fix them.  Cheating happens alot and it is an individual choice how to deal with it.  Some people can forgive and work through their problems.  And whose to say he wasn't being a big jerk and maybe she can decide to forgive him or not. Cheating is never one sided.  And it is a very lonely feeling when you feel like no one wants to be your friend.  Whoever is throwing stones in a glass house should get a life! So what? she cheated, show me  one perfect person.........I would say she should maybe start some group therapy, and go places that she could meet "new" and more considerate friends.
 
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