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Topic : Betrayal

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:19:05 am
Author : dataimport
What do you do when a trusted friend stabs you in the back? Give them a chance to explain? Or end the friendship?

 
fritangela
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October 26, 2005, 1:44 pm PDT

Betrayal

Quote From: healthy1

I have never used a message board before, but here goes. I guess I am not sure where to start, except to say that I have lost all of my friends, at least lost people who I "thought" were my friends. It was my own fault and made some very stupid decisions. I guess what I did was too big for my friends to forgive me. 

 In a nutshell, I had an affair, and in that process, lied or disclosed the truth, which is the same thing only in a different form and now they have all turned their back in disgust. I am not sure what to do. My husband and I are working things out. Marital counseling is expensive and the therapists in our town are your basic "tell me what your thinking" type. I guess I haven't seen a lot of good results with marital therapists and are down on them at the moment.  

Anyway, I guess I am at a loss. My reputation is shot, due to my own actions. I do not have any support, except maybe my sister, but our family has never learned to communicate. I am not out 

of hope, but just need some guidance. Not sure how to make new friends...too paranoid they all think or know what I did and wouldn't want to be my friend.... anyway, I know I am not the only person who has had an affair, I just am feeling so lost right now. I have betrayed many.  

You know people say "You cheat once, You cheat again".And people hate cheaters.Its nice that your husband wants to work things out,but to a lot of people it wont be the best thing.You will always feel guilty,and your husband won't gain all his trust that he had for you before.Yes, there's therpist,couseling,and everything else.But you also always hear, Friends come and go",But your family will always be there. I know its really hurtful that you lost your friends,But a lot of people lose their friends too. 

I was best friends with a girl named Heather.we did everything together,camping,skiing,disneyworld.(etc)Her family was my family,and mine was hers.But when i got pregnant @ 17 i was afriad to tell her because, iwas this little innocent girl,that never did anything wrong.So everytime i was around her,i felt weird,and i started acting different.She knew something was wrong,But she ignored it.I started ignoring her,and being more into my boyfriend.I sotopped talking to her,and nobody knew why.I missed everything that we did together.And i still do to this day.I lost her over something very stupid.And it was my fault.But i didnt want her to have a different feeling about me. So just move on,maybe meet some new friends.But with your husband.Its up to you on what you want to do.But it wont ever be as good as it use to be. 
 
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jeannieskn
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October 26, 2005, 5:56 pm PDT

I disagree

Quote From: fritangela

You know people say "You cheat once, You cheat again".And people hate cheaters.Its nice that your husband wants to work things out,but to a lot of people it wont be the best thing.You will always feel guilty,and your husband won't gain all his trust that he had for you before.Yes, there's therpist,couseling,and everything else.But you also always hear, Friends come and go",But your family will always be there. I know its really hurtful that you lost your friends,But a lot of people lose their friends too. 

I was best friends with a girl named Heather.we did everything together,camping,skiing,disneyworld.(etc)Her family was my family,and mine was hers.But when i got pregnant @ 17 i was afriad to tell her because, iwas this little innocent girl,that never did anything wrong.So everytime i was around her,i felt weird,and i started acting different.She knew something was wrong,But she ignored it.I started ignoring her,and being more into my boyfriend.I sotopped talking to her,and nobody knew why.I missed everything that we did together.And i still do to this day.I lost her over something very stupid.And it was my fault.But i didnt want her to have a different feeling about me. So just move on,maybe meet some new friends.But with your husband.Its up to you on what you want to do.But it wont ever be as good as it use to be. 

 I know of some couples that have had marital problems and one of them have cheated and their marriages are wonderful now. I am not saying cheating made their relationships better, but it is a real eye opener that their are problems and lets fix them.  Cheating happens alot and it is an individual choice how to deal with it.  Some people can forgive and work through their problems.  And whose to say he wasn't being a big jerk and maybe she can decide to forgive him or not. Cheating is never one sided.  And it is a very lonely feeling when you feel like no one wants to be your friend.  Whoever is throwing stones in a glass house should get a life! So what? she cheated, show me  one perfect person.........I would say she should maybe start some group therapy, and go places that she could meet "new" and more considerate friends.
 
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jettav
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October 29, 2005, 7:38 pm PDT

Betrayal

Quote From: healthy1

I have never used a message board before, but here goes. I guess I am not sure where to start, except to say that I have lost all of my friends, at least lost people who I "thought" were my friends. It was my own fault and made some very stupid decisions. I guess what I did was too big for my friends to forgive me. 

 In a nutshell, I had an affair, and in that process, lied or disclosed the truth, which is the same thing only in a different form and now they have all turned their back in disgust. I am not sure what to do. My husband and I are working things out. Marital counseling is expensive and the therapists in our town are your basic "tell me what your thinking" type. I guess I haven't seen a lot of good results with marital therapists and are down on them at the moment.  

Anyway, I guess I am at a loss. My reputation is shot, due to my own actions. I do not have any support, except maybe my sister, but our family has never learned to communicate. I am not out 

of hope, but just need some guidance. Not sure how to make new friends...too paranoid they all think or know what I did and wouldn't want to be my friend.... anyway, I know I am not the only person who has had an affair, I just am feeling so lost right now. I have betrayed many.  

There is absolutely not one person around who has not made a mistake, it happens and the imporant thing to ask your self, "are you sorry for what you did"? and if you are then ask for forgiveness. and then ask yourself, "what am I willing to do to make things right?' then when you discover the answer, then do it. I do not believe in the myth that once a cheater, always a cheater for if one is truly and honestly sorry for the mistake then they will do everything in their power to make it better and they will work darn hard at it. You must be willing to make yourself accountable for your actions, you are very fortuante that you have a husband who is willing and ready to forgive you and to help your marriage to work out, love and appreciate him for that and let him know where you are going and what you are doing and make sure he is always able to reach you and if plans change, be the first one to let him know, you gotta start fromt he bottom and prove your self trustworthy and remember that it takes two to make a marriage loving and lasting, ask your self, what went wrong in your marriage to casue you to want to have an affair? I can almost bet that BOTH of you played a part in the reasoning. You both need to communicate and share your feeelings and thoughts and own your own part and come together and seek out help. As far as other people go, you can't change them or their thoughts but you can change you and your thoughts, set goals for your self and set out to be the best wife that you can be and at the same time, know that you are a better person then what people are giving you credit for and remember that actions speak louder then words, if you truly want to love and respect your husband and marriage then you will act upon it and do something about it regardless of how hard it may be. I am sure those judging you have their own sins to think about and probably some of them are hidden and they are the only one who knows about them, your not perfect but you have admitted your mistake and your husband is there with you trying to work things out and that is what you need to be thankful for, the only one you need to please at this point is you and your husband. And I know people who have made these type of mistakes int heri marriages but they were sorry and worked things out, it didn't happen over night but marriage CAN survive even after affairs but the couple has to be honest with themselves as well as each other and put the work and effort towards their marriage.
 
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healthy1

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November 1, 2005, 1:33 pm PST

You are sooo right!

Quote From: jettav

There is absolutely not one person around who has not made a mistake, it happens and the imporant thing to ask your self, "are you sorry for what you did"? and if you are then ask for forgiveness. and then ask yourself, "what am I willing to do to make things right?' then when you discover the answer, then do it. I do not believe in the myth that once a cheater, always a cheater for if one is truly and honestly sorry for the mistake then they will do everything in their power to make it better and they will work darn hard at it. You must be willing to make yourself accountable for your actions, you are very fortuante that you have a husband who is willing and ready to forgive you and to help your marriage to work out, love and appreciate him for that and let him know where you are going and what you are doing and make sure he is always able to reach you and if plans change, be the first one to let him know, you gotta start fromt he bottom and prove your self trustworthy and remember that it takes two to make a marriage loving and lasting, ask your self, what went wrong in your marriage to casue you to want to have an affair? I can almost bet that BOTH of you played a part in the reasoning. You both need to communicate and share your feeelings and thoughts and own your own part and come together and seek out help. As far as other people go, you can't change them or their thoughts but you can change you and your thoughts, set goals for your self and set out to be the best wife that you can be and at the same time, know that you are a better person then what people are giving you credit for and remember that actions speak louder then words, if you truly want to love and respect your husband and marriage then you will act upon it and do something about it regardless of how hard it may be. I am sure those judging you have their own sins to think about and probably some of them are hidden and they are the only one who knows about them, your not perfect but you have admitted your mistake and your husband is there with you trying to work things out and that is what you need to be thankful for, the only one you need to please at this point is you and your husband. And I know people who have made these type of mistakes int heri marriages but they were sorry and worked things out, it didn't happen over night but marriage CAN survive even after affairs but the couple has to be honest with themselves as well as each other and put the work and effort towards their marriage.
Thank you for your sincere thoughts. I am now with more hope than before. You are so right about everyone making mistakes. I am bound and determined to be a truthful wife and person. They go hand in hand. what have I got to lose??? In a way, it is good that I can totally concentrate on my marriage without a lot of distractions...except for three children.  They are Good distractions and one of the reasons I am staying put and trying to work it out. My husband is a gem...not perfect, but loves me for me. He has proven that time and again. Thanks again for taking the time to write a very long response...I appreciate it more than you will know.
 
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healthy1

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November 1, 2005, 1:38 pm PST

Never say never!

Quote From: fritangela

You know people say "You cheat once, You cheat again".And people hate cheaters.Its nice that your husband wants to work things out,but to a lot of people it wont be the best thing.You will always feel guilty,and your husband won't gain all his trust that he had for you before.Yes, there's therpist,couseling,and everything else.But you also always hear, Friends come and go",But your family will always be there. I know its really hurtful that you lost your friends,But a lot of people lose their friends too. 

I was best friends with a girl named Heather.we did everything together,camping,skiing,disneyworld.(etc)Her family was my family,and mine was hers.But when i got pregnant @ 17 i was afriad to tell her because, iwas this little innocent girl,that never did anything wrong.So everytime i was around her,i felt weird,and i started acting different.She knew something was wrong,But she ignored it.I started ignoring her,and being more into my boyfriend.I sotopped talking to her,and nobody knew why.I missed everything that we did together.And i still do to this day.I lost her over something very stupid.And it was my fault.But i didnt want her to have a different feeling about me. So just move on,maybe meet some new friends.But with your husband.Its up to you on what you want to do.But it wont ever be as good as it use to be. 

Saying that it will never be as good as it used to be...hmmm...I think it may depend on the couple. Maybe the cheating factor could be a "wake-up" call for both and it would be even better than it was before!  Let's hope! 
 
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kaish15

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November 12, 2005, 6:42 pm PST

Moving on

I'm from South Korea and was adopted at the age of two. There was another girl who was adopted from South Korea and we became good friends. Most of it was because we where both adopted from the same place. I remember though she always dared me to do embarrassing stuff so she could laugh and when I always said no she replied, "Do it or I'm not your friend anymore." Because she was my best friend I wouldn't want to lose her so I always did as she wished.

When 7th grade started she would tell classmates embarrassing stories about me. However one of her friends started hanging out with me. To me it was the coolest because I didn't have many friends. Two days later my Korean friend said that the other girl doesn't like me anymore. I only assume it was because she heard bad stuff about me. We stopped talking that year and mostly called the friendship off.

Then junior year in High School, after four years of not talking to me, she asked if I wanted to share a PE locker with her. I figured it's worth it especially if we can rebuild our friendship. Later in the year she fell of her bike and had a serious head injury. I was really sympathetic to her, but she ignored me. That year we only said a word or two to each other during PE. Now senior year this is the last chance to reconnect. She hasn’t changed and still ignores me so I think our relationship is long gone. I am amazed though we got to small talking during high school.
 
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meper4m

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November 23, 2005, 7:57 pm PST

Friends & Business

I looked at my email today and discovered that one of my best friends of 20 years has decided that we are no longer friends due to the fact that I wouldn't let her real estate husband sell my house nor my mother's.  By her own admission, he isn't very good at what he does.  He's had his license for several years and I think he's sold less than 10 houses.  So I'm supposed to let him sell almost $400,000 worth of property?  And she's mad because I didn't let him even get my house ready for market. But that's another story. 

  

My husband and I decided that we weren't going to use family or friends in selling the properties because we didn't want to corrupt any relationships.  Unfortunately, it happened anyway.  So I have accepted this and I replied and told her pretty much what I've said here.  She has been supporting him for the past several years working a job she hates.  That is the crux of the matter and I think her anger is being misdirected.   I am sorry she has taken this out on our friendship but there is nothing I can do and perhaps in the end, it's best. 

  

Side note:  The woman we chose to work with has much more experience and a proven track record with many more contacts especially in the investment market.    

  

Signed, 

Damned if we do and damned if we don't. 
 
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yellow05
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November 29, 2005, 10:42 am PST

Betrayed by many

 I was in a very serious relationship for over 5 years.  To make a very, very long story short, my boyfriend, who was my best friend, was cheating on me. Well, that would be betrayal in the fullest, right? Well, he wasn't the only one lying to me. The numerous people he was sleeping with, his close friends (who were all pretended to be my friends too), and many others involved, new what he was doing and had been doing, but chose not to tell me. Some even lied about knowing after I found out, because they didn't want to lose my friendship. Anyway, I was lied to and deceived by many people I thought cared about me.  Ultimately, I have forgiven them and still maintain friendships with a few of them. The only way to move on is totally forgive, which is impossible without praying for God to change your heart. Not by my own work was I able to forgive them, but through God's work in me.
 
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yellow05
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November 29, 2005, 11:00 am PST

What is most important?

Quote From: hollz83

it has been THREE years since they broke up, he ended it as she became very clingly!
 You have a lot of things to think about, sounds like. For instance, if you and this guy break up, how will that leave you feeling? Will you regret that you chose him over her? Because ultimately that is what you are doing. I am not saying that you should have to do that, but that is what your friend (or ex-friend) is forcing you to do. And you have to consider, we all get over things at different rates. Sounds as though your friend isn't really over that relationship. You have to think to yourself, if I had dated someone for a substantial amount of time and was not over it, would I be okay with my close friend getting involved with him?  I mean, you can say it has been 3 years, but that doesn't mean anything when it comes to the healing/maturing process of an individual. She may never fully be okay with you dating this guy.  What is more important to you? Trying out this relationshiop with this guy and hoping it will be a good one, while losing a very dear friend?  It doesn't matter if she is being ridiculous, it is how she feels. Are her feelings more important to you and her friendship more important to you than this guy?  Hard call.
 
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mellynz
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November 29, 2005, 12:35 pm PST

Betrayal

Quote From: bellacoo

I recently realized that my best friend of 7 years wasn't a true friend after all. 

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years because of her. 

My boyfriend and were having problems and he went to her to talk to but instead of talking to me about the problems that we were having decided that she would be better.  She was always involved in our problems and believes every fight we have is always about her.
I never had the guts to tell her to step back and stay out of our problems because i thought she was being a good friend however her and my boyfriend started to get close and he realized that he had feelings for her. 

So due to the lack of communication and lack of love in our relationship we broke up. 

Instead of being there for me she was there for him and when i needed a shoulder to cry on she wasn't there. 

Finally when confronted by myself she said "i didn't come to see you and wasn't there for you because..."  my ex-boyfriend had told her not to come near me. 

This caused me great pain and for this reason i realized she wasn't a good and true friend. 

Now my ex and i have gotten back together but we are having the same problems as before due to her interference. 

  

Any advice on how to save my relationship with my friend and boyfriend would greatly be appreciated. 

  

 Personally, i would get rid of both of them!  Their actions are speaking louder than their words!  Neither of these two are putting boundaries around their relationship with you to keep it safe, to meet your needs.  Neither of them sounds trustworthy - your friend wasn't there when you needed her and I think you realise this.  You say that your boyfriend goes to your friend with your relationship problems - that is just inviting trouble.  Seriously, you deserve better than that!
 
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