Topic : Betrayal

This is my first post.    Im newly engaged but we've been together for 4 yrs.  I keep finding my fiancee looking at other womens behinds, when I am with him.  We have been to couseling and discussed this, he knows it is disrespectful to me, and that it hurts my feelings.   We decided that I was to elbow him when he does it and ask him "what are ya looking at"?  And trust me, I do it, and he always denies it, and gets very angry with me when I corner him.  He says I am very attractive, and very sexy, so why does he continue to do something that hurts me so much?  Does anyone have any advice of what I can do to get him to stop that?  I want to stop the feelings of rage, and hurt that I feel when he does this to me.   Please help! 

Jody 

I am new to this, but I needed a place to vent and I need some advice. What better a place than the Dr. Phil message boards. I have been married twice and am currently going through my second and last divorce! I don't have any siblings, but have become close with my cousin. We don't have a big family, so she has been like a sister to me for the past 9 or 10 years. I am almost thirty, she is in her mid 20's.  We have absolutly been inseprable and have talked a couple of times a day and spent countless hours(even vacations) together.NOW to my problem at hand. When I decided to leave my husband 6 months ago due to my lonliness and unhappiness, she decided to stop talking to me. Her reason being, she couldn't understand my unhappiness, I had everything(in her eyes). A nice home, husband, money, kids, dogs, a brand new Tahoe, WHAT MORE COULD I WANT! I started seeing someone, and she said she wasn't comfortable with me being with someone else etc...  All my fault (even though we tried couple and individual conseling) I feel the guilt of losing not only my husband, house, wonderful life etc... for my happiness, but now I have lost my best friend and cousin in the process.What am I thinking???...........Then, I find out that she and my (still) husband talk all the time, and sleep together. She confesses her undying love for him and finds nothing wrong with the situation. EXPLAIN THAT TO MY DAUGHTER! So, now all the guilt I have been feeling over this has been for what? I am the messed up one who lost my best friend because of the decisions I made. If that was the case, instead of making me feel all the guilt, what about telling me her true feelings and the real reason why she doesn't talk to me. I am sure you can imagine the tension at the family holidays. AM I WRONG or is something not right with this picture?

JOdy 

Wow does that bring back some memories for me. I hope you will understand where I am coming from with what i am about to say.  First off I do still feel some uneasiness when I see my husband do the same thing,  but over the years it is all so different.  It does seem so disrespectful to us at the time but I a sure you it is all normal.  Men are going to look at other women no matter what we do.  It is almost unkind to ask them to stop.  Do you ever look at or make commets of men you see?  Maybe not to him but your friends.  I think women do it too just in a different way.  You must become secure with yourself and the relationship. I promise with this it won't bug you.   When I chose to work out and feel like I look the best nothing he does bothers me.  When I quit working out and hate the way I look and he looks at other women I get all upset.   This also is what helped me.  To point  them out to him before I have to see him look.  I could say look at the butt or There is my ass.  No it would never look like mine butt I would die to have one like that.  My husband loves me very much and when I realized it was all normal for men to look and didn't have anything to do with me it was all good.  I use to hate thet thought of him looking at playboy.  Now  we look together, and if he does it with out me thats ok to because it just makes them come to us when their done.  I hope some of this helps you . CAT 

there is a very good friend who lives in MI and I live in IN... we have been seeing each other for mroe than a year and we get to talk on Videophone almost every day. (we both are deaf).. i know he has feelings for me and i do have feelings for him...  my big problem is that he is free to do whatever he likes to do like going to see other ladies and it makes me feel so that he doesnt like me that much....  i try to go out with other guys but i do not have the same feelings for the others like i do for that guy in MI...  it is hard on me... a lot of times i wish i have the nerves to let him go...  but i just dont have the nerves.....   

  

i understood that it showed on july 7th and i did not get to watch that show...  i wish i could watch that show... maybe it would help me making the right decision.....   

I know that guy has strong feelings toward me and he is just not ready to settle down becuase he is afraid to be hurt again by other lady whom lived with him for two years... i tried to tell him that i am not her...  but yet he is afraid so i just leave him alone....   

  

please advise me what i need to do about this... my email is cshirels@sbcglobal.net and please put DrPhil in the subject so i would know......  thank you all for the helpness..... 

i know this lady she wants to be my friend again after her brother hurt me. and i don't know if i can trust her again after that. i klnow that i need to be kind to her but i am scared that she is going to hurt me again. what do i do? do i become friends with her or drop her out of my life for good?

I would have started to get suspicious at the very beginning when she wasn't supportive towards you when you first verbalized your unhappiness in your marriage... Listen... life is too short to go through it unhappy!! Your cousin didn't tell you that she wanted your man because she was too much of a coward to be honest and say she wanted him!! Instead, she used your vulnerability to induce more guilt into you, perhaps because it makes her feel less guilty. I know that it hurts you to lose this close friend and relative, but please know in your heart that you are better off without her. When the newness of this affair fades, when she discovers that all the material items in the world don't fill her loneliness, then she will identify with the reasons that you left your husband. Right now, she is reaping the rewards, but please know in your heart that she will end up feeling the same way that you felt. 

During family holidays, my advice for you is to smile and keep your distance from her. Hold your head high, be the bigger person, and you will always come out smelling like a rose!! Yes, it is hard not to talk about her and I know that you want to vent to everyone what she has done to you... but if you can keep quiet, be the "bigger person"... the whole situation will play out in front of everyone and they will see for themselves. You don't have to tell a soul what happened, they will know!  

I wish you the best of everything in life!! You deserve to be happy and fullfilled. Leave your guilt behind! 

I just wanted to say Thankyou for your reply!  You have no idea what your encouraging words have meant to me.  You have not only brightened my day, but have left me with a possitive guiltless reward. I will have something to read when I am having a hard day. You must be a great friend to many. Thankyou again!

Hi,  

   This is my first time here. I am real confused about my situation, depressed,and some times thinking I am losing my mind. Sept. 1st  I left an abusive relationship of 20 years. My husband is an alcoholic and went to the bar every day.  As much as 300-600 dollars would go over the bar every month. I would not be able to shop some weeks.  I also got in to the drinking because that was the only time I got to spend with him. We have two children 16 & 14 their social life depended on who was sober enough to drive them if they had some ware to go. I left in 2000 for all the same reasons and we went to counseling , he convinced us to go back to our home and he would change. Well by 2002 it was back to the same. We never talked, I was to fat and stupid. He actually convinced me I was fat and ugly, sex was nonexistent unless he was drunk. I got to the point I would not leave the house. I had a heart attack and decided I could not take the stress anymore and left. 

    A month after I was gone he started a relationship with my best friend  This girl knew everything she sat and cried with me at times over something he did to me. Now I am told it is my fault they are together. Because I got so upset that they were only dating (not having sex) that I pushed them to it. He said there is nothing wrong with him being with her. We are not legally divorced or separated and I don't think it's right.  What kind of  morels is he teaching his kids.. We lived in a small town everyone turned their back on me because of his sob story. Now I have no one. Every time I think of them together I cry. How can I get over this? At times my heart actually hurts over it. any advice will help. 

First of all, I think that you did a really good thing when you left this situation. You need to think of yourself and your health. You have been through a real difficult situation, and both your health and self-esteem have taken a hit.  But you DID get out and I think, as hard as things may be now, that you showed strength by leaving and it ultimately is the best thing for you.  

I know it is hurtful and a double betrayal that he took up with your best friend.  But think for a minute...what did she get?   She got someone who is abusive and who drinks too much.  She got someone who is verbally abusive and calls people ugly names.  She got a cheat and a liar.  She got someone who blames the victim when he does something wrong (such as  that crap that YOU pushed the two of them into cheating).  And what did he get?  Someone so low that she would betray her best friend!Whatever you do, don't accept blame for what they did.  They should be taking ownership for betraying you but are trying to pass the blame instead. And don't believe those horrible comments he made about you.  You have got to take care of yourself.  Do you have family you can talk to?  Can you get counseling to help you through this?   

All in all, I've got to say that things may really hurt right now, but re-read what I wrote about who you are actually losing.....a cheat, liar, blamer, alcoholic, name calling, irresponsible person.  I think the day will come that you will be glad to have him out of your life.  Please write in again and let us know how you are. 

  

hi there, 

i have a friend that keeps lying to me. she keeps saying that she will pay us money but she lies about it. and now she is going out with a rapist and i am scared for her. she doesn't care who she hurts and the cops won't do any thing to her. she won't stop emailing me. she always finds different emails to email from. what do i do? i can't handle this any more, because of what she is doing to me i can't eat or sleep. and i can't go any where with out her being close by. please help me. am i going insain or what?