Topic : Betrayal

Unfortunately this happened to me. The person decided not to continue the friendship with me. It was hard at first, but I don't let it control my life anymore. I forgave that person, and I don't blame myself anymore for not always making the right choices at that time.

Jo

Please see my post in the Bullying (today's show rerun) for more information and back ground on my situation, but I know the feeling of having someone cut you out of their lives for no apparent reason. I am still trying to get over the saga that surrounds a relatively good friendship that turned bizarre these past two years. It is very difficult especially without an explanation. You just end up wondering what you ever did to the person that no longer wants contact. My advice to anyone that wants to end a friendship-- please sit down and talk to the person about why you are doing what you are doing. Just cutting them out of your life with no explanation is a horrible way to deal with former friends. If you believe them to be a detractor in your life, that is alright. It is fine to make decisions about the people that you need in your life in order to be happy and healthy. However, it is always a good idea to give this person you are angry with and/or believe has wronged you a chance to explain themselves, and the possibility to save a friendship. I believe that almost any rational person would appreciate an explanation and opporunity to realize what they did wrong, and understand that they need to chance. Silence is never the best medicine for friendship and it only ends up hurting your former friend more. There are some relationships that must end, however, everyone deserves a second chance. Don't you think so? 

I recently realized that my best friend of 7 years wasn't a true friend after all. 

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years because of her. 

My boyfriend and were having problems and he went to her to talk to but instead of talking to me about the problems that we were having decided that she would be better.  She was always involved in our problems and believes every fight we have is always about her.
I never had the guts to tell her to step back and stay out of our problems because i thought she was being a good friend however her and my boyfriend started to get close and he realized that he had feelings for her. 

So due to the lack of communication and lack of love in our relationship we broke up. 

Instead of being there for me she was there for him and when i needed a shoulder to cry on she wasn't there. 

Finally when confronted by myself she said "i didn't come to see you and wasn't there for you because..."  my ex-boyfriend had told her not to come near me. 

This caused me great pain and for this reason i realized she wasn't a good and true friend. 

Now my ex and i have gotten back together but we are having the same problems as before due to her interference. 

Any advice on how to save my relationship with my friend and boyfriend would greatly be appreciated. 

I think that you should work on both relationships separately if you wish to maintain both of them. Do not mix friendship with relationship in this instance because it has caused problems. Your friend is no longer just a friend, she is an X of your current boyfriend. So that adds a whole new dynamic to your relationship with her, his relationship with her, and the relationship between the three of you. 

You need to tell your boyfriend to not talk, take advice or discuss the problems that ya'll are having with this woman. The problems that are there are strictly between you TWO. You two should be the only ones concerned with fixing them. You have to put your friend back in her place as a FRIEND not a counselor, supporter or meddler. If you have to-- cut her off. She is not being a good friend with you by continuing her behavior that causes you pain. I would advise her that she should stay out of your affairs if she wants to remain your friend. Tell your boyfriend as well that he should work out issues between you with YOU and only with you. Yes, it is always nice to have a sounding board/neutral friend that you can bounce ideas off of and get advice about the situation they are not involved in-- however you friend IS involved and HAS been involved.  

Therefore she loses her status as neutral, loving and supporting. She obviously has her own agenda and that is to cause you and your relationship as much difficulty as possible. It is up to you and your boyfriend to take the reins of the relationship and decide if it is worth it to not put up a united front as a couple against this woman who only seems to bring pain and divison to you two.  

Ya'll got back together-- so it looks as if you two are willing to commit to each other and realize that you want each other in your lives. If that is the truth and you want to keep this relationship from crumbling and succumbing to the pressures and strains like the last time this woman tried to put herself in the middle-- you need to tell her to stay away for a while. You don' t have to cut her off completely if you don't feel like you can. Simply tell her something to the effect of, "look ____, you are my friend and I would like to continue being friends with you...however you are inserting yourself into parts of my life that you don't belong, and it isn't helping. If you would like to be my friend could you give me 6 months to a year with no contact so that I can save my relationship? I value you, but I don't like the way our friendship has evolved and I think it would be a good idea for us both to take a break."  

See if this works, and if she wants to stop being friends with you all together then that isn't an entirely bad idea in light of the continuing problems. These are only suggestions, but if I were in your position I would weigh which meant more to me. The friend or the relationship? While we should never have to choose-- you have to now that relationships have overlapped. Since you have known this girl for years perhaps you would like to choose her? But a true friend doesn't treat their good friend of 7 years by worming her way into their relationships...this is the best advice I can give. If you want to save your relationship you and your boyfriend have to be united against outsiders trying to meddle.  

Dear Parisiene  

Thank you for your advice.. i really appreciate it.  

I will speak to my "friend" and tell her how i feel about her interfering in my relationship with my boyfriend. However the problem is that he will not open up to me at all anymore.  

When asked why he is angry at me his response is "Nothing". I've told him if he doesn't talk to me i am not going to put up with him going to speak to someone else when the relationship concerns me and him only not our friend.  

I asked him if he thinks our relationship is worth saving and he simply said "its up to you".  

He believes that i am just jealous of their friendship and the truth is i am because he talks to her n not to me and during our break he had feelings for her.  

I told him that if he asked her if she had feelings for him and she said no not to come back to me because i WOULD NOT be second best.  

After we got back together i found out that is exactly what he had done and asked him why he didn't tell me before we got back together so i could make the decision myself and he didn't respond at all to that.  

I love him and ask him if he loves me. he tells me yes.  

i ask him as i need to feel loved because i don't feel that from my family and i just like the reassurance do u think that this is what is causing the problems between us??  

i love him and want to be with him but fear that our relationship is already over due to our friends interference.  

i am willing to give our friendship a break so i can work out my problems with my boyfriend but the problem is that we have same group of friends and will see each other at parties. i know that my boyfriend isn't willing to give up his friendship for our relationship.  

Is this a sign that he doesn't want to be with me and put our relationship first??   

Mon Amie:  

If he is not willing to give up a potentially relationship-threatening friendship with this girl then there is something more going on here than he cares to admit. Does it bother you that he is still friends with her? If he loves you he will see that even a one month break (a true break) from this girl and the friendship he shares with her could be beneficial for working out the problems in the relationship that ya'll have. He doesn't have to stop being her friend completely (you don't either really) but a trial period where neither of you has contact with this girl (for whom he admits he has had feelings in the past) would be a good thing. There would be no interference from the other girl, and no distraction.   

If he is angry he should tell you. It is a control issue with his keeping silent about things he should tell you. If he is going to other people to vent his feelings about problems with ya'll's relationships then that is bad news.   

You shouldn't stay with a guy that doesn't respect your wishes and doesn't appear to be willing to sacrifice a little bit of his play time in order to experiment in techniques for the salvation of your relationship. Also, you should talk to your family and see if you can get what you need from them.   

I think that family is more important than this relationship anyway. If I were you, and I am not, but the situation sounds like it is doing you more harm than good...I would tell this guy that enough is enough. You don't deserve to be treated this way by either your boyfriend or your friend. Tell them both to take a hike and stick to it.   

If both people really loved you they wouldn't be manipulating you and hurting you. They would want what is best for you and not just what is convenient for them. I know it will stink, but I think you had better say good riddance to bad rubbish on this one.   

If you are worried that you will feel isolated or you can't go to the same parties that you once did-- don't worry. Do you have a friend that you can go to a different party with? If you have other friends that you can spend time with during your extrication then I would do it. Don't take this guy back either-- he sounds like he takes you for granted and doesn't give a flip about what is going on in your relationship.   

I don't say this often: but dump them...cut bait and run. Find a guy that is willing to focus on you and not your friends-- find a friend that is capable of being a friend and not out to nail your boyfriend to get at you.   

If you need someone to talk to you can email me at Paris_Rose_2005@hotmail.com . I may not be able to do much (I am in the process of moving) but I can always read/listen to what you have to say and do my best to reassure you that you are worth more than this.   

Put on some Nancy Sinatra and stick out your thumb-- its time for you to get the heck out of Dodge!  

I must say that I a have to agree with Parissiene 100 %.  The EXACT same thing happen to me 3 years ago.  He wants his cake and icecream, and you are left in the lurch thinking it is all your fault.  And it is not, he is not being honest with you at all.  You do deserve way better.  I still hurt from this ordeal because I loved this guy so much, I made the mistake of turning myself into a pretzel for him.  I don't know if I will ever completely trust another man, but as they say, time heals all, the hurt isn't as intenese, it's the trust that is slow to come.  I litterally agrued with this guy for 2 years, because I knew there was something that just wasn't right about his friendship with his female friend, but he would always just blame me for being jealous.  It had nothing to do with jealousy at all, it's called women's instinct.  Don't wait to long to move on. Hope this helps. 

Goldielox 

Hello,   

I have an issue that eats away at me daily and I figured I would get soem objective opinions.  I had an best freind for 2o yrs...while now I realize it was mostly toxic. During that time we had many "joint" friends. However my best friend of 20 yrs treated me like dirt, used me and betrayed me.  During the course of that time we met another friend and we all used to hang out all the time. One day my ex best friend decided to not talk to our new friend anymore, for no good reason, and the new friend was fine with it.  Then when I decided that I had to let go of this toxic friendship with my ex best friend, she ran right to our "new" friend whom I had become very close with, as well as some other joint friends. However all of my other friends stood by me and said they had no desire to be freinds with my ex best friend who was toxic. However this one new friend has decided to become friends again with my  ex best friend because she never "really: did anything to hurt her. Now my ex best friend is even planning to go visit her and it makes me sick. How can someone that I value as a close freind want my ex best friend in thier life. I hate to make her choose, but I just cant stomache this relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.   

thanks in advance ;0)   

Thank you for your support-- I think that this girl should ditch the lot of them. It isn't worth it at all.  

She deserves better and she can get it if she just lets this catastrophe go.  

Good Riddance to that boyfriend of hers and that icky friend!