Topic : Betrayal

Has this been a life-long pattern with female friends, or, is it something that began later on in your life?

Because you feel stabbed in the back by these friends, it seems like your friendship wasn’t based on something real or honest; it was based on insecurity. By now, you probably have a ‘radar’ of sorts that goes off when you meet someone who might end up to be a back-stabber- listen to your instincts is the best advice I can give you!

One way to make friends is to analyze your interests throughout your life, and think about how you can use them now. For example, are you an animal lover? Volunteer at your area animal shelter- you will meet other volunteers and employees there, you will get a sense of appreciation, and you will feel like you are truly making a difference in the world- all of these feelings will boost your self esteem, too. You don’t have to volunteer for many hours, either- animal shelters truly depend upon their volunteers, and they will take any time you can give them, even if it is only one hour every other week or something! This is only one example. How about your artistic abilities? Have you had an interest in painting, drawing, crafts of any sort? Look in your newspaper for local classes/workshops that are offered. The same is true for writing workshops/classes. These are places where you will meet other people, of all ages, to interact with. You will surely make acquaintances, and true friendships could also form. You deserve this for yourself! Friendships don’t usually just appear out of nowhere, we have to create them. If you go the volunteer route, you are also giving back to your community, which is a priceless action. Please consider my suggestions, I wish you well!

Dear Loulou,

That's quite a situation... I have to admit I do not have any experience when it comes to these type of situations, but there is something I think you should consider. It seems as though you connect two things that also could be seen apart from each other. On the one hand, there is your current husband who does not want to change his ways and by doing so threatens your and your childrens health and safety. On the other, there is the problem of the guy you like, but do not know whether you can trust. What you seem to do is connect these two issues: Either you divorce and get something started with that other guy, or you stay with your current husband and do not get into something serious with the sober man. What I would advise you to do is to separate the two issues. This will leave you with two questions, which you will need to answer in a fixed order. First: Do you want to stay with your husband? To decide on this the utmost important question to ask yourself is whether you still love him and whether this love is still reasonable compared to the negative aspects/ damage he might do to you and your children. Further, it might be important to look into your self-sufficiency: If you divorce, will you have the financial means and all that to sustain you and your children? After(!!!!) you decided on this, the question of the other guy arises. Do you love him enough to take the risk of rejection? Besides that, how come you are so afraid of rejection? Further, it seems as though you do not find him trustworthy, what makes you think that? Would he be good to your children? Could he help you sustain you and your children (i.e. does he have a job?), or will he be dependent on you?

I hope this is of any help to you. I perhaps only raised more questions... perhaps my interpretation of what is going on is all wrong... At least I wish you all the strenghth you will need to deal with this!

Best wishes,

Hoppe

I like what you have to say and i know your  right, and i have seperated thetwo, just today matter a fact, i got to thinking about all the yrs and how i was so madly in love with hubby and how sick the marraige has always been, i do not think it is fair that i be un happy just because we been together for so long, he says today hes done , today with the dls, but the damage has been done already, and now ill be watching him and he me and all the other marraige problems are still there, so for the kids and really all of us wed all be alot more happier . divorce will be har on all of us but i think it is the very best thing. ive tried and tried, given all i got and i just cant give any more to this relationship,I do love my husband, for all he has been and all hes tried to be , but im just not in love with him anymore. hes 53 im 37 we have no sex life due to his unknown phisicall problems and when we did, i ended up cheated any way, and for 7 yrs ive put up with that and truthfully im dying for a good long nights loving. as far as the other guy, well i do trust him and man hes great, he just wont say how he feels about me he says because im married, and he reminds me all the time WHAT A GREAT FRIEND I AM then he flirts and looks long into my eyes and melts my heart, one day its like so obvious to any one whos around that were both madly in love then the next hes real, funny, friendly acting, its so strange sometimes , still we are beaming when were together and it shows. so i know its something, i feel it in my guts and all my life ive thaughrt i wasnt good enough for a good man especially this one and i think i just cant pass thi oppertunity up , he has a whole lotta money, like a whole lot from a settlement from a job he had, he is very close to a masters in counsling and he absalutly loves children he has only one son 20 whos on his own and hes 47yrs old and i just adore him, but then im afraid that after husband is out of the picture, this guy wil say oh were just friends, and thats why im trying to seperate the two issues and watch my motives, so im probly going for it . thanks and i hope to talk again soon

I have recently become friends with a girl that I used to work with.  We've been "girlfriends" for a few months and have enjoyed each other's company; gossiping about boys, going out on the weekends, etc.

This past weekend I went to a Christmas party at her parents' house.  I drank way too much and should have respected my limits.  She had been drinking a lot too. 

The next day, her brother, another girlfriend, and her mom said that I had been rude, obnoxious and disrespectful to all of them.  She said she didn't know what was said, but she would try to explain that I didn't mean anything.  I never heard back from her.

The next day, I sent her an email apologizing for whatever it was that I did.  I am truly sorry that I acted like an idiot and I feel so bad that people felt I was disrespectful.

She replied saying that she was just so hurt.  Her family and friends have been telling her everything I said (as she doesn't remember).  Her email said that I had made comments to a guy that she liked about not taking her out enough, which I did, and she was right there, laughing along.  She also said that two of her girlfriends never want to hang out with me again, because I said something offensive to one of their fiances.  I have no idea what I said, nor will anyone tell me.

I just feel awful.  I am a nice, caring and respectable person and I behaved just the opposite this past weekend.  I was way over my limit, and I know that I have noone to blame but myself.

I just feel like I may being used as a scapegoat a little bit, as this friend was just as involved in the conversations/actions as I was.

Basically, I don't know what more to do.  I have a hard time keeping girlfriends.  Some little insignificant thing always seems to drive a wedge between us; usually because the other person lets it.  I'm not saying that I'm perfect, and I admit that I have done some crappy things to some of my friends, meaning to or not, but I have also had some crappy things done to me.  And I have never ended a friendship over it.  I don't think that there is anything anyone could do that would cause me to want to end a true friendship with them.

I just don't know what else to do.  I've apologized up and down and I'm not sure that she'll forgive me.

For the ones that think friends deserve a 2nd chance...think about how bad the betrayal was!  Think about if it hurt your dear family members the actions of your friend that betrayed.  How far does a betrayer go?  Doesn't all that matter?  I believe so.  This does not mean you do not forgive that jerk of a friend....you still forgive...but NO 2nd chance at friendship.

"First time...shame on you....2nd time....shame on me" 

NO thank you....the betrayal I suffered from a friend.  They stabbed me in the back and got my family members too.  Mom and Grandma have suffered so much....our saftey was jepordized, our home destroyed.  So sorry....no I will not welcome another betrayal from behind.  But that won't hold me back from having friends I trust. 

"A true friend stabs you in the front."   A coward does it from behind.....and I do not want cowards as FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have learned that in time....the betrayers will reap what they sowed...and this day will be a eventful smiling day!

It is obvious to me you honestly  feel really bad about the whole thing. Maybe I am wrong but I feel true friends forgive. I would not let a friend betray me over and over again, but everyone is entitled to mess up once in a while and nobody is perfect.

I have had my share of drinking mishaps myself. In fact I found myself in a similar situation once. I am no longer friends with this person and I have found I am better off for it. I have also been on the recieving end of a rude and drunk friend as well. Unfortunantly alcohol is  very damaging at times and if everyone is drinking a lot ,nobody will really be able to recall things wth any clarity. And sometimes if they do not remember they will mix things up. I have just stop socialy drinking all together. I say let your friend be mad, she will get over it or she won't. All you can do is learn from the situation and move on.