Topic : Betrayal

This problem has been ongoing for over a year now. It is a long story short we are all members of the same country club.  One couple has been our best friends for over 9 years. We have traveled together and spent lots of times away from the country club setting.  The new couple came onto the scene about 3 years ago. They had been involved with running another small social club that we belonged to but I reached out to them, invited them to my home for dinner and we hit it off. They soon became very close. Almost every occasion we sat with them and even began to begin taking small weekend trips together. They had another couple who was their best friends before meeting us. They are very wealthy and this impressed our friends.  Then we melded into a group of 8. The new couple and their best friends and us and our best friends.   Over time this couple I will call Jane and Bob became head of almost every organization we belonged to.  They became leaders of the Theater Group, The Fleet ( a boating club) as well remained head of the ballroom dance group where we initially met them.   Several incidents happened, usually with "Bob". He and I were almost like brother and sister. However he is sensitive and so am I. Several things I did in jest, he took seriously.  The final straw was that New Years Eve last year we spent with them although we wanted to do something with another group of friends.  Only the 6 members of our "group of 8" were going to be there. My best friends were ill and not able to go. The couple Jane and Bob arranged the whole New Years Eve party. When we got there while we were at the same table we were separated from them and their best friends   (but also part of our group of 8) by a couple of seats. I felt it was done purposely because "Bob" was still upset with me about something stupid that happened in Las Vegas when the 8 of us were there together. I was playing the slot machine and he came over and started pushing all the buttons and pulling the handle. I asked him not to do it because I was superstitious about my machine and I would lose if he kept doing it. He wouldn't stop, like a pesky little brother, he was playing like 5 credits in the dollar machine where I had put in $100.  I said to our other friend, their best friend, do you like it when people watch you play? He said he didn't like it either but told Bob to come over there. I play pretended to fight Bob away and pushed him towards his friends machine. Long story short, he became very hurt and angry and would not talk to me the remainder of the trip in Las Vegas. This was Thanksgiving and I don't think he ever got over it.

I expressed to them after NYE that I was upset about the seating and we had hardly spent any time with them, he told me they had nothing to do with the seating. I pretty much told him I didn't believe that and walked away. Well that was the final straw. They totally turned on us. The social group tables where we had always sat with them and our other friends, we were removed from. At all social clubs we were then excluded from the group of friends. Our "best friends" did not stand up for us and stop them from excluding us. Instead, I was told to make up to them..  Well, I tried. I explained why I felt like I did, but they would not discuss it with me.  I sent an email trying to apologize and ask if we could move on. I was told they could not continue such an 'abusive" relationship and reminded me about the times I had upset 'Bob".    This is very hard. My husband and I were always the "In Couple" at all of these clubs. My husband was on the Board of Directors of the Country Club, The Fleet club and the Ballroom Dancing club.  Now we are outcasts.  Now the other people in those clubs still love us and wonder why we don't participate.  Our best friends sold out and decided to stay with the "In Crowd". Other people that "Jane and Bob" had previously been against, now are in the inner circle where we used to be. They have a history of doing this to other people over and over again.

Now I have moved on with my other group of friends who by the way were never accepted by Jane and Bob.  We are very socially connected in our town. I was even a former Mayor so we know a lot of people.  The thing the hurts the most is that our best friends no longer have anything to do with us. Because I was often emotional when I saw them all together (my husband insisted we still had to go to all of these places and act like nothing happened) they decided I was having a nervous breakdown and backed away from me. 

In the meantime I have chaired charity events, continued to run my business of over 30 year and have built an even larger circle of friends away from those clubs. In fact the people we spent time with now are far nicer and interesting than the people we were with before.

The problem is my husband finds it hard to forgive me. He misses the interaction with those people.  We have been married over 27 years and always felt like we were still dating.  Now, I feel like he is not as loving as he used to be and it always gets worse when we attend a function at one of the organizations where we run into these people.   I prefer not to go there obviously because it always reinforces my send of loss.  How do I get over this? How do I get my husband to look at me the way he did before?  He hates change  and this has really hurt him. Aside from moving on and finding new friends, what more can I do? These people will never change their minds. I find them to be an adult version of bullies. They didn't like a lot of people and were always quick to provide gossip as to why they were bad people. They even took us away from other friends we had spent time with because they convinced us they were not acceptable. So we fell for their lies as well. Now I know why other people don't see the evil in them.  "Jane" is always smiling, and has cutsey nicknames for every one like in high school. She is the in my opinion the queen bee who controls who everyone is friends with. If you want to be in with them, you have to exclude those who is against.       Has this ever happened to anyone else? I wrote about this about a year ago and Dr. Phil's people even contacted me to see if I would go on the show.  However, due to our social standing in the community, it would be embarrassing for my husband to have to have this aired publicly.    Would counselling help my husband and me to get past this?  Thank you for any help. K

Hi All!

I am writing for advice on how to stop feeling numb and deeply hurt by the actions of someone who has been a close friend.....

This is a synopsis:

I have been friends with a guy since meeting him thru mutual friends (He is a long time friend of the husband and I of the wife) about 5 years ago. He has been divorced since 2002 but has been holding out to get back together with his Ex. Over the last 18 months we have been spending time alone together ocassioanlly getting physical but mostly being there for each other, hanging out, and really getting along and laying a foundation of friendsship as we are both Christians with many similar interests. I would not 'date' him because of his still holding out for the Ex. He knew that if/when he was ready to move on I wanted to explore our relationship going beyond just friends. During discussions about that, he would say he was confused about having feeling for his Ex and me.... asked me to be patient with him...etc. The ex has been dangling getting back together with him on and off since their divorce.

Last October the Ex came here to NJ from FL to visit  "him" . Our mutual friends and I warned him that she was just coming because he was to be moving back to their (still jointly owned) house in OH in February (the annual lease was up on his apartment and their 26 y/o son who has been living in the house plans to move out for further college studies) and she wanted to visit NJ friends while she had a free place to stay and him as a chauffer. As it turns out, we were correct. She was nasty to him the whole time. Since then he seemd to finally be willing to see her for who she really has been - controlling, manipulative, $$ hungry, and emotional abusive to him.

His NJ friends and family (including me) did not want him to move but , considering the circumstances of his having to deal with the house, saw it as a step in his moving on and making a life for himself without being under the control of the Ex. In January, I said this in a letter of support to him in which I told him that I was proud of him for the sacrifices he had been making while here in NJ (living in a crappy apartment so he could send her $$$ while she lived in a new, paid for house....), reminded him of our previous conversations about giving our relationship a chance to be more if/when he was in a position to move on, and that he was always welcome in my home (where we had so comfortably spent so much of our time together).

Well, he never spoke with me again. Told our mutual friends (who were not aware of the deepth of our friendship) that I wanted more and that he was still in love with the Ex and always would be. Put our friends in the middle by having them return a bag of things to me saying he "couldn't do it" and having them have to speak for him.

As it turns out, in the last 6 weeks he: left for OH - stayed for less than a week, then went to FL for a week to see if the Ex would change her mind about them getting back together (She told him he hadn't changed enough yet for her.), came back to NJ to get his car and hooked up for a week with a woman he met in December (that no one knew about), went back to OH for less than a week before appearing on the NJ doorstep of our mutual friends saying he couldn't stand being in the OH house - too many memories of the Ex there (This is when he told our mutual friends that he had met someone just before Xmas but didn't pursue the relationship because he was moving and didn't know how this woman felt about him), and stayed with them for 5 days until the new woman returned from a trip to Europe. He has since decided to stay in NJ, go back to work, and live with this woman.

Last weekend, he took our friends out to dinner to thank them for letting him stay at their house and to introduce them to this woman. I was told she seemd nice, kind of quiet, and that things seem to be serious!? This past weekend they were going to OH to pick up more of his things so he could move in with her. When I asked our mutual friends what they think, there biggest concern right now is that he break away from his Ex (who keeps calling his cell) and take her back to court to get the $$ reduced. Mind you, he has never really dated this other woman.....

This is an inteligent, caring, financially secure, Christian guy who seems to go stupid when it comes to woman... lol

My feelings:  I am devastated about how he chose to treat me after getting my letter. We have been really good friends. The kind of relationship where we could say anything to each other. I am struggling to get past how hurt I feel. How he could just walk away from someone who was so very good to him.... He was really a good friend to me as well....

I am also very hurt that my girlfriend did not at least let him know that she was upset with him for how he's treated me. She had him alone in her house and didn't say a word. She tells me that she and her husband were so shocked by his turning up on their doorstep and about this other woman who seemed to come out of no where. She also said she didn't want to get in the middle. Accused ME of putting her in the middle.  I told her that HE is the one who put her in the middle by not dealing with and speaking with me himself.

My thoughts:  I agree he needs to get away from the Ex..... He is angry with the Ex and seeking revenge with this woman.....He couldn't come to me because we have an emotional tie that he doesn't have with this new woman..... This new woman is rebound bound....

Advise? Words of encouragment??

Thanks!

I have a so called friend i grew up since we were about twelve years old. She slept with my first husband after we were married. I forgave him and never forgave her. Is that wrong?

After ten years of not speaking she now wants to be friends again and i am not sure if that is wise. She has never apologized or even brought it up. I am now remarried to a great man and i trust him with my whole heart but i do not trust her. Is she worth my time or should i blow her off ? I am still very upset that she slept with my ex. I would never want to put another woman in that situation and i still cannot believe she once put me there. I think i am more mad at her than i ever was my ex because i was taught that women need to stick together. She was supposed to have my back not be on her back with my man. I think  i am aware that ties need to be cut but i would like some advise. Am i being petty after all these years? Do i still have the right to be mad?

Thank you for your input. I have cut all ties with her and told her I could not look past how she betrayed me. Her comment (of course) was that was many years ago and you are still upset.........

I could not believe what i had just heard from her and that pretty much told me that she is and always will be the same selfish and disrespectful witch she was many years ago. I know i made the right decision and I have never felt better about losing a so called friend.  Thanks for the advise.

OK I NEED SOME HELP PEOPLE. OK- THIS IS WHATS GOING ON....

LAST YEAR, MY HUSBAND (OF 5 YEARS, AT THE TIME) MET UP WITH A FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL. THEY SWAPPED NUMBERS AND BEGAN KEEPING IN TOUCH. DURING THIS TIME, I WAS AWAY AT SCHOOL FOR 6 MONTHS. WELL, I EVENTUALLY CAME HOME. (I CAME HOME EVERY WEEKEND) WELL, I HAD NOTICED THAT HE WAS ALWAYS ON THE PHONE!! LITERALLY, ALWAYS!! ALL DAY AND MOSTLY ALL NIGHT. I WOULD ASK HIM WHO HE;S TEXTING OR TALKING TO AND HE WOULD ALWAYS SAY HIS SITER. OR HE WOULD SAY "A FRIEND".  OUR FIGHTS WOULD JUST ESCALATE. AND HE WAS CONSTANTLY ACCUSING ME OF BEING THIS HORRIBLE JEALOUS, PSYCHO WIFE. AND I WAS NEVER JEALOUS BEFORE. I THOUGHT MAYBE I WAS BEING OVERLY AWARE OF STUFF BECAUSE I HAD BEEN GONE SO LONG. I DONT KNOW. ANYWAYS, MY SISTER GOT MARRIED IN VEGAS SO WE ALL WENT TO ATTEND. IT WAS SO BAD TO WHERE I HAD TO BEG HIM TO LEAVE HIS PHONE OFF AND LET HIM KNOW THAT THIS WAS VERY IMPORTANT. DO NOT GET ON THAT PHONE. EVEN WITH YOUR SISTERS. I DON'T CARE. STAY OFF THE PHONE. WELL,  LONG STORY SHORT , HE WAS ON THE PHONE THE ENTIRE TIME!! TO THE POINT WHERE MY GRANDMOTHER AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY WAS ASKING ME WHO HE WAS TALKING TO. I WAS ACTUALLY EMBARRASSED. WELL, I CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT IT AND CALLED HIM RUDE!!  WE GOT INTO THIS BIG FIGHT. NEEDLESS TO SAY, OUR TRIP WAS PRETTY MUCH OVER. WELL WE GOT BACK TO THE HOTEL AND HE PASSED OUT DRUNK. I DECIDED TO GET ON HIS PHONE.

I READ HIS TEXT MESSAGES. I WAS SOOO SHOCKED. YOU SEE, MY HUSBAND IS NOT A LOVEY-DOVEY PERSON, IT'S HARD FOR HIM TO SAY I LOVE YOU TO ME. WELL, THESE TEXT MESSAGES WRE FULL OF, "I WISH YOU WERE HERE. I WISH WE WERE TOGETHER. I MISS YOU. CAN'T WAIT TO BE WITH YOU AGAIN. I HATE IT HOW WE ARE APART. " ETC. ETC.

SO, PRETTY MUCH, I CAUGHT HIM. I TEXT HIM, A BUNCH OF EXPLICITVES AND SAID WE ARE OVER.

WELL, HE APOLOGIZED AND WHATEVER... I PRETTY MUCH MADE HIM DECIDE. AND HE SAID, OF COURSE HE PICKS ME. SO I MADE HIM CALL HER IN FRONT OF ME TO BREAK UP WITH HER. HE SWORE UP AND DOWN THAT HE NEVER MET HER. IT WAS ALL TEXTING AND PHONE CALLS.

LONG STORY SHORT, I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER WITH HER, BUT I CHECKED OUR PHONE ACCOUNT AND LEARNED HE WAS STILL TALKING TO HER. I CONFRONTED HIM AGAIN A MONTH LATER, AND HE SAID THIS TIME THEY WERE ONLY TALKING AS FRIENDS. SO HE SWORE AGAIN THEY NEVER MET AND HE WOULD BREAK UP WITH HER AGAIN.

WELL, THIS HAPPEND ONE MORE TIME.

AM I THE FOOL OR WHAT??

BASICALLY... HE SAID THIS TIME (3 MONTHS AFTER THE FIRST TIME I CAUGHT HIM TALKING TO HER) THAT THIS WOULD BE THE LAST TIME. AND FOR A FEW MONTHS, I BELIEVED HIM. I WAS STILL INCREDIBLY JEALOUS, BUT WHEN I CHECKED THE PHONE RECORDS, HE WAS TELLING THE TRUTH. I BEGAN TO BELIEVE HIM AGAIN.

WELL, LAST WEEK (ON OUR 6 YEAR MARRIAGE ANNIVERSARY) I GOT NOSEY AND CHECKED THE ACCOUNT. I FOUND OUT HE WAS TALKING TO HER AGAIN. I WAS FURIOUS.

SO I CONFRONTED HIM-AGAIN- AND HE SAID THAT THE LAST TIME HE SPOKE TO HER (WHICH WAS THE DAY OF OUR ANNIVERSARY) HE TOLD HER THAT HE CAN'T TALK TO HER ANYMORE. THIS TIME FOR SURE. IT CAN'T GO ON BECAUE WE ARE CONTINUING TO WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE. AND SHE JUST ISN'T HELPING. AND THAT HE DIDN'T WANT TO LIE TO ME ANYMORE.

I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY IRONIC THAT HE TELLS ME THIS THE DAY I FIND OUT HE WAS STILL TALKING TO HER. WELL, ITS BEEN TWO WEEKS AND THIS STUPID GIRL KEEPS CALLING AND TEXTING. HE SAYS HE DOESN'T ANSWER AND DOESN'T TEXT HER BACK, BUT I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK HE MAY EITHER USING ANOTHER PHONE OR CALLING FROM WORK. PRETTY MUCH, I DON'T TRUST HIM ALL OVER AGAIN. AND IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

I WANT TO CALL HER UP AND JUST CUSS HER OUT TO LEAVE MY HUSBAND ALONE. AND AT THE SAME TIME, IT'S SO HARD TO BELIEVE MY HUSBAN. HE AREALLY HAS CHANGED THESE PAST FEW WEEKS AND WE HAVE BEEN GETTING ALONG BETTER THAN EVER.

SO I DON;T KNOW WHAT TO DO. SHOULD I CONTINUE BELIEVING MY HUSBAND HAVE FAITH THAT HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH. THAT HE'S NOT TALKTING TO HER??? SHOULD I CALL THIS GIRL AND TELL HER TO LEAVE HIM ALONE?? I MEAN, IF HE DID REALLY TELL HER TO LOSE HIS NUMBER, WHY DOES SHE CONTINUE TO CALL AND TEXT??

ANYWAYS... SORRY IT'S SO LONG...BUT PLEASE HELP!! PLEASE!!

THANKS EVERYONE WHO READ THIS AND RESPONDS!!!