Topic : Betrayal

I recently lost my best friend due to a man. And i've been trying to talk to her for that last couple of months. I’m lead to believe that she really hates me. Her family tells me to just leave her alone because she doesn’t want anything to do with me any more. We’ve been friends for 8 years. We met and it was like we already knew each other. And we had been close net up until 2006. We had our fallouts during the years but I would always step up and fix our friendship. I really love this girl a lot and i'm not willing to let things go unsaid. I did my wrong and so did she. But I feel like that we should be adult enough to talk about it and either work on our friendship or get an understanding and  move forward without the friendship. I’m hurt and I really need to know what she is thinking and feeling about this whole thing. But she is not and I mean is not willing to talk to me. What do you have any advice for me?

My advice to you is this: if she is refusing to talk to you, and her family tells you to just leave her alone, then you have to walk away from this relationship. I understand how difficult it is, because you don’t have closure; but you can’t wait for her to decide that she will give you closure- you have to find a way to make peace within yourself and give yourself the closure that you need. You are thinking, “how do I do that?” This is how you do it: you write a letter/note and send it through the mail to her. Don’t put a return address on it; because if she sees that it is from you, she might just chuck it. Also, ask someone else to write her address on the front OR type it; that way, she won’t recognize your handwriting. This gives your letter more of an opportunity for being read. Don’t write anything that you don’t want the whole world to know; because you don’t know who she will share it with. My advice to you is to be short, simple, sweet, and to the point. If you want this friendship to be revived, and frankly I don’t understand why you would; but if you do, then you are going to have to apologize. In your letter, to get the best results, remind her of the good times that you shared and simply tell her that you want more of those times. Don’t go on and on; keep the letter to one page. This is really all that you can do- you can’t force her to communicate with you. If you don’t hear from her within one month of sending the letter, then you have to move on and make peace with the fact that you and this ‘friend’ have outgrown each other. Best wishes to you. (p.s. I hope you've learned that no man in worth losing a friend!)

Sorry for the long post, but I just need to get this off my chest.

I've been kind of struggling with this for some time now and would like to get a second or third opinion on my situation. . . . . . . .

I am no longer talking to my so-called friends due to some great misunderstanding. There were 3 friends, let's call them Nicole, Amy, and Tamara, we were all mutual friends. It has been almost 2 years since we last spoke. I have known Nicole the longest out of all of them. We were friends for 5 years at the time. I knew Amy for almost 4 and Tamara for 2 years. We would always go out whether it was for breakfast, lunch, or dinner, to the movies, to the bars/club, etc. Sometimes I would question our friendship since both Nicole and Amy would make me feel dumb or talk down to me at times calling me "slow" or looking me up from head to toe like they were jealous of me or using me for things they needed but when I needed something from them they weren't available most of the time and Tamara was hardly ever around despite that she was working her way through school and was always tired which I understand that. Sadly, Tamara was the only decent friend who was nicer to me even though we hardly got to spend time with her.

To make a long story short, Amy had been dating this guy (let's call him Adam) and she was going to hook me up with her at-the-time boyfriend's cousin (let's call him David) who had just been signed to the Chicago Bears at the time. She never did set me up with him and Nicole told me that it wouldn't be a good idea to date him since I would have to worry about groupies, him cheating on me, etc. Then 2 or 3 weeks later I hear from Amy that Nicole hooked her up with him and at the time Nicole would hardly call me or answer my phone calls during that time. I felt so betrayed by both of them and was on a revenge.

Sooner or later I hooked up with one of Amy's exes who I met online and told Adam that she was still talking to one of her ex boyfriends but I never told him that she was sleeping with him too. Then that one day that ended it all was when both of them called me on 3-way asking me if I told Adam that she was still talking to her ex. I had a bad day at work,  my boss pretty much yelled at me for a simple mistake and the guy who I was dating at the time was being a jerk. I told them I didn't say anything to him about that and felt that she was accusing me of saying that even though Nicole told me that she told Adam that she was still talking to her ex while with him. I told them I felt like they couldn't trust me and that they didn't deserve my friendship since I am a caring and giving person and that true friends wouldn't do that. They both were trying to calm me down and was telling me that they weren't trying to accuse me of anything, etc.

After that episode, they both kept calling and e-mailing me but I never responded until one time I picked up the phone and Nicole told me that her father had passed. I told her at the time that I would come to the funeral but when I spoke with Amy, she was very rude on the phone with me asking me howcome I wouldn't answer her phone calls, respond to her e-mails, etc. and I told her that I was going through a deep depression, which I was at the time, and she acted like she didn't believe me. So, I felt that it wouldn't be right to go to the funeral otherwise there would be some feeling of awkwardness. Tamara was dodging everyone's calls at the same time since she was going through a depression and then a few months later she would text message or call me and I wouldn't respond since she did the same with me and if I talked to her then I would have to talk to Nicole and Amy as well so I left it that way and never spoke to any of them since then. Should I e-mail them and apologize or just forget about it and move on? I feel guilty about the whole situation and felt like I blew this out of proportion. I felt like I burned my bridges with them. As of now, I have reunited with some good friends from college and am happier with them to be honest and actually feel like I can be myself around them. Thank you for the advice!

Do you feel any regret over the decisions that you made regarding these friendships? Or, do you feel justified in your decisions? In my personal opinion, whether there would be awkward tension or not at the funeral, it would have meant a lot to your friend if you were there. Going to the funeral would have been for her and out of respect for her deceased father; not for Amy.

As for the whole talking-to-the-ex situation, why lie about it? You DID tell her boyfriend that she was talking to her ex; but when confronted about it, you totally lied. You are justifying your decisions by saying that they weren’t good friends to you, but you weren’t a good friend either because you stooped to their level. You could have and should have simply walked away from these people if they didn’t treat you right. If you go through life with a “get even” mentality, you’ll never experience the joy of a true friendship, because we all make mistakes sometimes- but when you make a mistake or recognize that you’ve used poor judgment, the right thing to do is to admit it and apologize for it. Not lie about it.

So your question is should you apologize to them or just move on; what are your feelings about either of those decisions? If you choose to move on without apologizing, you have to make peace with yourself. If you apologize, there is a chance that you will be sucked back into the drama.

I know how this is-- granted, I didn't lose the friendship because of a romantic rivarly issue-- but none the less, the poster above me is completely correct in that you have to state to her that you are ready and willing to talk about the issues when she is ready. Let her know that you have something to talk about when she is ready, and then LET HER COME TO YOU.

Don't call, write, txt. message-- just let her be. Eventually she will come around. If she doesn't then you just have to chalk it off to a life experience that hurts, but none the less did you some good. I hate to say it, she doesn't sound like that great of a friend if she allows ONE man to come between you.

Men come and go-- at varying lengths of time-- but in the end it is always a girlfriend that you can count on. Or at least that should be the case. Please let us know how this goes.

Thank you for the prompt response! I have been thinking about it and to be honest, I am glad that I have made the decision to not regain our friendship because it made room for the true friends I have now. Yes, going to the funeral would have been for respect of her father and not necessarily and specificaly for Amy and Nicole but it was better to not see them at that time as well-things could have gotten ugly but at least I said "sorry to hear about your loss" rather than not saying anything at all.

I have been comparing them and the good friends I have now and feel very pleased that I made that decision otherwise it would have been hell all over again and things are getting better for me as time go on. For example, I'll be attending graduate school this fall and just recently met a really nice and caring man through one of my good friends which is going great so far! So, that was then and this is now, I don't regret not being friends with them but if I see them on the streets I will definitely just say "hi!" and move on. Thanks again! Take care!

My friend Monique (Code Name) and I made a pack before we entered seventh grade, stating and I quote "No matter what happens we'll be friends for life." A few weeks into the school year and Monique had made a new friend, (we weren't in the same classes) and I'll admit that I was a tad jealous, but that soon passed. I began to make new friends and as the school year went on Monique got more defensive. She told me were to sit and who I was sitting with. Namely whoever she was sitting with. So one day I took a leap of desperate faith and sat with two of my new friends rather the Monique. She was really mad, and told me that if I didn't sit with her tomorrow it wasn't going to end well. So the next day I sat with her, and as usual I wasn't included in any conversations, so I began to read a book I had recently started. Monique snatched the book from me and told me "You can't honestly be reading while we're talking. Were you even listening to me?!" To which I replied "Did you adress me in a direct manner?" Her only answer being "NO!" So I snatched my book back and left. Monique and I fought  for our whole seventh grade year, and eventually she called me for the final time. She was screaming and yelling, telling me "Whoever hangs up first ends this friendship." To which I replied "Then you have a long time to wait." And she hung up. My new friend Riley who I had confided in was a great support. But now we're in 8th grade and Riley has turned away from me and back to her old friends who dissed her. So I've crawled back to Monique and now I'm suffering in her hands once more without Riley's help. I feel bad for possib;y hurting Monique's feelings, but Riley's crushed mine. I trusted to be there for me and now she's gone and left me for the wolves. I don't really know what to do. Advice would be well recieved.

Having a friend treat you shabbily is really tough, having two friends do that is even worse.

You sound like a very mature young lady, and realize that although friends are important, they do not have the right to treat you unkindly, just because they think they can.

It sounds like your freind was posturing for her new friends, adn she was using yu as the prop, imply because she felt safe doing so, as she felt that you would not retaliate and hurt her.

Know what hun, every relationship, and mean ALL relationships need good communication to grow and be healthy for every one. Furthermore, the communication needs to be honest.

What that means is you have to tell Monique how you honestly feel when she treats you roughly, adn although you treasure her as a friend, having her hurt your feelings really makes it dificult to be happy around her.

It would also seem that you and Riley are in the same leaky boat, you both felt it necassary to go back to the friends that treated you badly.

In any event if you wish to continue your friendhip with Monique, talk to her, if she is truely your Heart freind, she will listen and take your feelings into consideration, next time she feels the need to "show off" for her new friends.

If Riley and you resume a friendship, let Riley know what it is you expect from a friend, loyalty is obviously very important to you, so share that with Riley, if she finds she tossed a potentialy great friend overboard for some not so great friends.

Also, speak to Monique about what you expect from a friend, Loyalty, respect, fun!

You also metioned that you had Two new friends?

The one you didnt mention, might be the one you should be talking about, she may be the one that turns out to be the best friend you are seeking =) .

Let me know how things go for you, yu really do deserve a good friend! Heck you Deserve a bunch of good friends!

You sound like someone who is a very caring and sensative friend, and those kind of friends are really hard to come by.

Let me know how things are going for you, and I wish you all the very BEST!

Hugs

Tammy

Doh! reread my post, shoulda used spell check. I am sorry, forgive the typos as I tend to be a terribel typer and it is late LOL.

I should be sleeping, just wanted to reply to yur message so it would be there when you logged on next time.

Hugs

Tammy